Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Forgiving a cheating husband

94 replies

LuciePie · 14/02/2021 15:00

I've just found out my husband had sex with someone else a few weeks ago. He was being dodgy with his phone so I demanded to look at it and I find messages from four separate woman on it. All from the site Seeking Arrangements (which meant he was paying them.) He was still in contact with 2 of them, one of them he had slept with. The other one I messaged and she obviously didn't know he was married. He said he was doing it because he feels so isolated in lockdown, changed jobs last year and hasn't actually met any of his colleagues yet, wanted an ego boost etc etc. He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him.

I want to get through this but not sure how I can forgive and forget. We are the love of each others lives and he knows how much he's fucked up and how much is at stake.

I don't want to hear all the stories of how I should leave him, he'll do it again, your friend's sisters neighbour forgave her husband and he just did it again etc. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get through this? And if anyone has experienced a similar situation and it's all worked out?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2021 15:17

Why are you so invested in wanting to get through this?. Stop sticking your fingers in your ears figuratively. You are clearly not the love of his life and this man has completely trashed your marriage vows.

These women represent the ones you do know about, there are likely others and will be others going forward.

His excuses are just that, excuses and piss poor ones at that too. He thinks you’re a doormat who would believe any old excuse that comes out of his mouth. Why is your relationship bar so low?

IsIgnoranceBliss · 14/02/2021 15:25

Get an STI test ASAP

ThreeTwoOneBlastOff · 14/02/2021 15:37

It seems like a very short time for him to decide it was a mistake and for you to decide you’re going to move on.
Unless you had found out it would still be continuing.

All effort here needs to come from him. But you can’t just brush this under the carpet and hope it goes away.

rosesarered2021 · 14/02/2021 15:38

That fact that he had four women (that you know of) on the go is a little worrying. We are all feeling lonely, fed up, sick of lockdown etc, but to go on SA and spend money that should really be the family's money is a tad sick.
I've been there and got the t-shirt. My ex spent £800 a day on a girl half his age and who spoke spoke about 6 words of English. At the time his ego was stroked, as was his penis, but our 20 something marriage died although we were "seemingly" quite happy with our marriage when it happened!
His excuse was "I was lonely".
There is a very dark side to SA I'm afraid. So sorry you are going through this.

Tal45 · 14/02/2021 17:14

Counselling. You can't just suddenly forgive and forget, I think it takes on average three years to move on, and a lot of work on his part. Is he sorry he did it or just sorry he got caught?

LittleBoPeep95 · 14/02/2021 17:19

I don't want to hear all the stories of how I should leave him, he'll do it again, your friend's sisters neighbour forgave her husband and he just did it again etc.

But it's true...

jammydoggers1922 · 14/02/2021 17:19

Love of your life ? If you were that to him he wouldn't of shagged someone else . Or be messaging he's only sorry he got caught . I am sorry op but you are making excuses for him. If you didn't find out he probably would just keep doing this

BestUseADifferentName · 14/02/2021 17:19

This happened to me, I found out my husband had been sleeping with prostitutes for years.

There is no way to get over this. Of course it won't work out. You'll never look at him the same again or trust him again. Ever. You'll live a second class life as someone who has to put up with being treated like shit instead of having a happy/fulfilled life.

Aside from having your memory erased, how on earth do you think it would ever be possible to put this out of your mind?

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/02/2021 17:36

Oh op, I am sorry this has happened to you. I have been there and I know it hurts. But while he may be the love of your life, you are not his I’m afraid. My similar situation worked out just fine, when I divorced the cheating loser and got on with my life - I strongly suggest you do the same.

Pollypocket89 · 14/02/2021 17:37

He might be the love of yours but clearly you aren't the love of his, otherwise he would be incapable of doing that to you. I don't mean that in a harsh way but you're probably in shock and need time to digest this

Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2021 17:42

He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him.

He's genuinely sorry, alright. Genuinely sorry he got caught. He was paying women for sex. How can you possibly want to forgive and carry on being married to a man like this? A man who respects his wife, or women in general, would never do this.

jeez2020 · 14/02/2021 17:42

I'm so sorry.
I'm not a massive poster on here and maybe it's the wine talking but my very first thought was that to sign up/pay to cheat is huge and if it's because he doesn't know colleagues etc because of a new job he would normally just be flirting at work and possibly have affairs with people he met there

BeautifulStar · 14/02/2021 17:50

Oh dear, there are even more of these threads than usual atm. It seems being “depressed” and “lonely” in lockdown are prime excuses for shagging about and (ick) paying for sex. Funny how it’s never women doing it though.

Just dump him Op - save yourself further heartache (because it won’t be the first or last time he does it).

BeautifulStar · 14/02/2021 17:52

Ps. He’s NOT the love of your life - or at least you aren’t his.you just don’t do that to someone you truly love. He just likes his cozy life with you but he doesn’t actually want to be faithful to one woman - he just omitted telling you that - after all he wouldn’t want you shagging about too.

Marineboy67 · 14/02/2021 17:56

The love of peoples lives don't shagging prostitutes. What would he think if you paid some strapping hung toyboy to satisfy your needs? I'd be making a visit to the sti clinic if I was you. I haven't seen my girlfriend since Christmas due to lockdown and distance but damned if I'm chucking away 5 years for a cheap shag. He just sordid and sad and perhaps you need to kick him to the kerb.

Callingallskeletons · 14/02/2021 17:58

Jesus OP get yourself booked in for a STI test ASAP, there’s no chance that he’s taken this as the moment to start this (when he’d have the hardest time actually pulling it off)

You seem very invested in making this work but I’m not sure you’re going to get the advice you’re wanting here - I mean realistically you’re asking for others to share their tips on being a doormat

You deserve better OP, I just hope you can see this yourself sooner rather than later (before you find out more)

TreacleHart · 14/02/2021 18:00

You say you don't want the whys and wherefores of people opinions of your cheating husband . Then why do you want them to tell you how to forgive ?
He is a cheating fuckbag , but you want to forgive him . Forgive him then. Does that feel better ?

lovewarandroses · 14/02/2021 18:02

I’m so sorry OP.... you need to get tested for STDs quickly.....

Kajdlkdu · 14/02/2021 18:04

It will never be possible for you to forget what he's done. If that is your goal you are setting yourself up for disappointment and there are no tips anyone can give that will enable it to happen.

He didn't voluntarily tell you what he'd done. He was still in contact with them. What about that makes you feel he is genuinely remorseful and won't repeat/continue these choices?

BestUseADifferentName · 14/02/2021 18:07

I didn't find out the full extent of what my ex had been doing until I went through his bank statements. He initially said that it was only this time and he didn't know if he would have gone through with it etc. He seemed sorry.. a month or so after we split he told me that while he was sorry he hurt me he didn't feel guilty about it at all.

Teardrop2021 · 14/02/2021 18:09

I don't understand what you want from you're post op what you do want people to say op. He paid people to have sex op vulnerable people god knows how many he was caught its likely many more and is using lockdown as an excuse.

Woebegonad · 14/02/2021 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Skyla2005 · 14/02/2021 18:19

Sorry this has happened but you are asking how to get through it and people aren't going to make out that you can. How will you ever trust him again ? You are always going to be wondering what he is up to from now on Even you you survive the next few years it will probably rear it's ugly head again. As for him being sorry no he isn't he is only sorry his been caught. He didn't confess to you and say how sorry he was he was found out which isn't sorry at all. I know you want to hear that everything will be ok but I don't think it can be Gather your self respect and your dignity and kick him out how dare he treat you like that

category12 · 14/02/2021 18:24

How about you give yourself some time and see how you feel? If you've only just found out, then hurrying to get back to normal asap is simply kicking the can down the road. It might seem the way to stop the pain, but it won't just go away, and you can't just forget about it.

Recommend you go to counselling on your own and have a safe space of your own to deal with your feelings. You can try relationship counselling with him alongside that.

Tbh I find him paying for sex worse than a ONS. How the hell is it an ego boost to pay a woman to fuck you?

CaffineismyBFF · 14/02/2021 18:30

I'm really sorry to read you've gone through this all. It sucks. But you do need to get an STI test. Your health is at risk and if you do have something nasty, can cause more problems later down the line if you choose to ignore. I'm not going to say LTB as you clearly (in this moment) don't want to do that, I think its called hysterical bonding but it may be worth you just taking a moment (alone preferably) to really gather your thoughts. You don't need to make a decision now, tomorrow, next week etc. Take your time and actually think about what is right FOR YOU. I understand you love him, and I'm in the camp of people do make mistakes in life and i'll leave it as that.

Counselling can help if he is really remorseful of his actions and willing to be completely transparent with you and the counsellor to get to the root cause of the infidelity. You could also look at online support forums to help you process this all. Maybe speak to your GP to see if they can refer you to the services (I think CBT or something that sounds like that can help YOU move forward in a healthy way).

Good luck OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread