Forgiving a cheating husband

[LuciePie]

I've just found out my husband had sex with someone else a few weeks ago. He was being dodgy with his phone so I demanded to look at it and I find messages from four separate woman on it. All from the site Seeking Arrangements (which meant he was paying them.) He was still in contact with 2 of them, one of them he had slept with. The other one I messaged and she obviously didn't know he was married. He said he was doing it because he feels so isolated in lockdown, changed jobs last year and hasn't actually met any of his colleagues yet, wanted an ego boost etc etc. He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him.

I want to get through this but not sure how I can forgive and forget. We are the love of each others lives and he knows how much he's fucked up and how much is at stake.

I don't want to hear all the stories of how I should leave him, he'll do it again, your friend's sisters neighbour forgave her husband and he just did it again etc. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get through this? And if anyone has experienced a similar situation and it's all worked out?

Can you forgive, forget and never bring it up again? If you can your a better women than me, because I know I couldn't!

I think step one is to arrange an STI test for you and especially him. Step two is to start counseling together and separately.

Personally I would also have him ditch his smartphone - it's still possible to get basis phones for calls and texts only.

I forgave my DP.

My most helpful resource was Reddit.
The sub r/asoneafterinfidelity was amazing. It was a place to express my feelings and be really heard. It was also an excellent place for advice.

My DP and I are in a great place now and I trust him. It was work. But in a way I'm actually grateful for the experience.

We took the initial necessary steps that we needed to in order for me to feel secure. They were having him end contact with the AP, giving me full (unsupervised) access to his phone/accounts etc until I was satisfied that I knew everything. Thoroughly, painful, blunt, honesty. There was no way to move forward until I had the whole truth. Then it was councelling. Couple and individual.

We both have an ongoing open discussion about our boundaries and expectations.

I had a tracking app for him. He would turn his phone over whenever I asked for it, on the spot.

Now we don't need those things anymore. We're good. We're solid.

It can be done.

Most importantly HE NEEDS TO DO THE WORK.

OP do you have DC ? Are you financially dependent on him ?
I think you are in shock/ denial but when you start to think clearly I wonder if you will be so desperate to stay with a man who is so disrespectful that he pays other women for sex .
I do know a woman who stayed with her DH after it emerged he was paying women for sex . Guess what ? He was “ deeply sorry “ etc etc but he did it again and again .
Is it me or are more and more people using lockdown to cause bad behaviour?

You need to get an STI test, he put your health at risk. Not only that but in the middle of a pandemic he was out shagging women and paying for it, so no thought of covid either. He certainly wasn’t thinking of you, I would be furious.

God you people are insufferable sometimes. She said in her OP that she didn't want to hear that he will do it again etc etc. She's a grown arse woman, I'm sure she's aware of the risk of STIs.
Honestly after being cheated on you consider all of the terrible things before the good.

Respect her wishes. If you don't have the advice she's looking for, leave her be.

Why?

I'm grateful that the major issues in my relationship were exposed and we were able to address and fix them rather than continue past the point of no return.

Kindly shove your opinion about how I feel about my own relationship up your own arse.

All those saying leave him and she's a doormat, to my mind it takes a stronger woman to work through it if she loves him, leaving is the 'easier' option so to speak. She wants advice on how to forgive, so give her that advice if you have it. Saying leave isn't going to help in this situation. I know, I'm going through exactly the same right now, and believe me in no doormat. Could do with the same advice myself right now!

I feel like if you boil your question down to the essence, what you’re really asking is: what’s the short cut to making myself be okay with this?
Unfortunately, unless you have a magic wand, you can’t.
I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.
He needs to do all the hard work now. You don’t need to do anything.

@Ladj hope you're doing okay! Did you see my previous post about the support sub on Reddit?

@Ladj

All those saying leave him and she's a doormat, to my mind it takes a stronger woman to work through it if she loves him, leaving is the 'easier' option so to speak. She wants advice on how to forgive, so give her that advice if you have it. Saying leave isn't going to help in this situation. I know, I'm going through exactly the same right now, and believe me in no doormat. Could do with the same advice myself right now!

Or some of us might have been through it ourselves and in retrospect wished we'd left earlier.

It's not about strength.

I'm not sure why you're so bitter.
Why you feel the need to insert yourself into someone else's life in no way that was asked for an rain down judgment.
Maybe it's a lack of hobby?
Were you cheated on?
Either way you're a bad taste.

Because you're in here posting poisonous and damaging advice to a vunerable person?

The absolute toxic nature of Mumsnet knows best is what is damaging and poisonous.

Who are you to tell anyone, absolute, that their life will go a certain way if they don't leave the bastard immediately?

Do you see the future? No you don't.

You talk from bitter experience, either your own or someone elses. But you don't offer advice, you give orders.

There's nothing kind in your actions.

Well this descended quickly. Why on earth is any deviance from LTB not allowed to be discussed or tolerated? It might not be for you but might be for someone else, and the OP didn't ask for that. She knows all of that.

OP. take the time you need to make the right decision for you, don't feel pushed into forgiving and forgetting if you're not there, get an STI test and some other posters mentioned more constructive places for advise. I have friends who overcame fidelity through marriage counselling, it was a long road but they're ten years on and stronger than ever. I do think the cheater has to put the bulk of the effort in. Best of luck and please look after yourself.

Any admin out there that can delete @MizMoonshine and @WunWun argument? Totally unnecessary and clogging up a sensitive thread.

*advice

@LuciePie

You will get varying responses here.
Glean what you can from each one and take advice relevant to you. This is your life and your decision. Let no-one dictate what you should or shouldn’t do
Every post and opinion is clouded by experiences relevant to that poster.