Forgiving a cheating husband

[LuciePie]

I've just found out my husband had sex with someone else a few weeks ago. He was being dodgy with his phone so I demanded to look at it and I find messages from four separate woman on it. All from the site Seeking Arrangements (which meant he was paying them.) He was still in contact with 2 of them, one of them he had slept with. The other one I messaged and she obviously didn't know he was married. He said he was doing it because he feels so isolated in lockdown, changed jobs last year and hasn't actually met any of his colleagues yet, wanted an ego boost etc etc. He seems genuinely sorry and I believe him.

I want to get through this but not sure how I can forgive and forget. We are the love of each others lives and he knows how much he's fucked up and how much is at stake.

I don't want to hear all the stories of how I should leave him, he'll do it again, your friend's sisters neighbour forgave her husband and he just did it again etc. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get through this? And if anyone has experienced a similar situation and it's all worked out?

And he's not the love of your life.

The love of your life would've treat you like this.

You had to suspect and find out too, he'd quite happily have kept doing it behind your back.

He's not who you thought he was, i'm sorry. You must be in shock, reeling avd desperately trying to reconcile this with the man you think is the live of your life (and vice versa). He's a creep, a lying, cheating creep who pays women (probably you g enough to be his daughter) for sex behind his long term partner's back.

@MartiniDry

I can tell you how to get over it. Focus solely upon what you gain from the marriage. If you can coldly up the private school fees, the luxury holidays, the car paid for by him, the 6-weekly visits to the top stylist at the top salon courtesy of him, the house upon which you pay no mortgage and become the ruthless Ice Maiden you might, just might get through this.

If he doesn't provide all that you will struggle.

Am I advocating this approach? No, but I've seen it work many a time, from the wives of personal friends through to the spouses of politicians.

Wondering how much money there'll be to spoil op when he's keeping multiple sugar babies.

You get through this by lowering your expectations to zero. If he doesn't get secretive, hide his phone, sleep with women working as prostitutes, you take it as a bonus. Ignore everything else.

You get through it by never asking what he is doing, where he is going, who he is meeting, where he has been, because silence and wondering is better than asking and knowing he is lying.

You get through this by losing all self-respect, because this cheating man is better than no man.

You get through this by becoming a shadow of yourself. Unrecognisable to those who know you. You don’t rock the boat as he may bail out.

Err

I'm going to say something else.

OP only you know your husband, the detail of it all, and how you feel about it all.

Don't do anything in a hurry. It will become clearer in time, when the hurt and shock wear off.

In the meantime stay in the moment, look after you.

His reasons for cheating are very poor.

He hasn’t met his colleagues after a job change and wanted an ego boost, so he thought he would go and pay someone to sleep with him?

I know you don’t want to hear it but this is how little he thinks of your marriage.

Is he sorry? Or just sorry he was caught?

This is ridiculously depressing. Would you tell your daughter to "get over it" and forgive him?! He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear because he got caught. Raise your bar, please.

Look I’ve been where you are and felt the desperation to cling on and believe there was hope but Let me tell you stop waisting your time and leave break your heart now before he does it again and sends you crazy , coming from a 32 year old that walked away from a 12 year relationship 3 children together who I also believed was sorry and not the type but he did do it again and again and lied and lied x

This is not the place for this. Cheating in a relationship is not something that someone who hasnt been cheated on can really comment on. I believe that no one actually knows how they will handle the situation until they are in that situation. No one knows you, your husband or the intricate nuances of your relationship. If you want to try and work things out remember that you have the power to choose to leave at any time.

Be careful which you tell. If you do land on the working through it side you will regret telling most people you tell. Choose a few very close people who you can rely on for support, you are going to need alot if it. Asoneafterinfidelity is a fantastic resource for those with the strength to work things out and will guide you toward all sorts of books and source materials that people have used to successfully heal.

First and foremost, kick him out. Give yourself time to get over the shock and send him a messege. Only after sufficient travelling should a second chance even be considered. Consequences are necessary even if temporary. I believe that it can be done, but it takes alot of patience and alot of heartache.

When the pain of leaving becomes less than the pain if staying. That's how you will know when you have had enough. Good luck with whatever you choose. Not everyone makes the same mistakes in life twice. Humans are capable of growth and learning.

And above all, get an sti screening.

Sufficient grovelling*

@Okokokbear

I started a new job in lockdown and haven't met my colleagues in person yet. I have not paid for sex outside of my relationship. Just saying.

Exactly. What pathetic excuses his disgusting and definitely not the love of this poor woman's life.

I’m sorry but he might be the love of your life but he doesn’t feel the same way. He’s actively going on line to find women to cheat on you with. It’s nothing to do with not meeting his colleagues, that’s batshit

You clearly want to forgive him, and that’s fine. But you need to at least be honest with yourself about what he was doing, why, and what it means in terms of how he feels about uou.

Mmm. He's definitely not the love of your life by organising sex with randoms or sex workers.

I don't see the point of you posting for advice when you know what people will say and are already saying you won't listen. Stay with him and just get on with it. You made the bed, now lie in it.

Love is worthless when not accompanied by loyalty and care and action.

It's a shit, shoddy, contemptible sort of "love" he feels if he will ignore the pain that cheating on you causes, that puts ego, an orgasm and bought sex ahead of you and your family.

Although I really don't understand how a man can get an ego boost from paying for sex. "Yes, this young woman will let me fuck her for money?!" I don't get it.

Wow, this all got a bit out of hand. I even put in my post that I didn't want to be told to leave him, I wanted to hear the other side - of people who were able to work through this. There seems to be an awful lot of judgement on me and my life through a few sentences I posted, as in any relationship there is a lot more going on that just a few sentences.

Thank you so very much to all the kind commenters, I will message some of you privately. And I hope the ones that are in the same situation are able to remain strong and work through it.

Chuck him in the bin.

He knew what was at stake before he stuck his mickey in someone else didn't it

I think people just want you to realise you can't say you're the love of his life...

It's a shame that you're not open to hearing the other side of the coin - it's not the case that everyone advising leaving hasn't been through it or hasn't tried to make it work, or were weak .

I think it's really important to working through it, that actually leaving is an option to you.

That if you stay, it's a choice you make every day, and it is not one he's complacent about.

The rush to make everything normal and stable again as fast as possible, while tempting, is storing trouble for the future.

I think the OP is not wanting to hear from the other side because it's abundant here on MN. Cheating husband gets caught and there's a wealth of advice on how to leave the relationship. All excellent advice for someone looking to do so.

But she's decided for herself that she wants to try to make things work. It's a lot harder to come across advice for this here.

She doesn't value anyone's experiences as less than others of deem people who leave to be weak. Rather they just aren't providing what she's looking for.

The lady wants a people carrier, stop trying to sell her a sports car.

You learn as much from failure as you do from success. Sometimes more.