Please help me understand how it is better for my son to have shared custody between me and my abusive husband, than for me to stick this out

[sc4red]

I have been married for several years and have a son under the age of one. My husband is emotionally abusive to me on a daily basis. He gaslights me constantly, tells trivial lies regularly, calls me names, puts me down, mocks me, criticises me, gives me the silent treatment etc. I have learnt so so so many lessons from this relationship and have done so much work on myself, and I truly understand how I have ended up in this situation.

If we didn’t have our son I would divorce him tomorrow but we do. I see him interact with him and he shouts at him whenever he gets frustrated (basically every time my son cries), is very rough with him with changing nappies and so on. It truly breaks my heart to witness this. My original plan was to stick this out until my son graduates (Yes the next 20 years), purely so that I could monitor all the interactions and intervene where necessary and protect my son as much as possible. Now I’m at the point where I just don’t know if I can go through with that. It is taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally and I am permanently drained.

If we were to divorce, I imagine worst case scenario he would get 50% access. I feel it doesn’t matter if I document things, there’s no physical evidence, he’ll just deny it all and so I have to just work with what’s within my control and that is the reality that he will have my son half the time. In the event we divorce, my husband will move back to his parents house and live there and his parents are extremely abusive too (where my husband has evidently learned all this stuff from). His parents hate me because I haven’t been obedient etc, and I just know he and his parents will talk badly about me and treat my son poorly (which is the norm to them). I feel like I am throwing my son to the wolves just to keep myself happy? I read all the time that people say by staying my son will learn an awful lesson about what relationships are like. But by leaving he’s going to be subjected to extremely unhealthy behaviours for all the time he is with them, and should my husband remarry (I am confident he will), my son will just be subjected to that toxic relationship.

I feel physically sick at the thought of everything that will go on whilst my son is not in my care. My husband will allow his parents and extended family to take my son wherever and do whatever and there will be no regard for his safety, and he will learn so much unhealthy, toxic stuff. I can’t understand how on earth it is better for me to divorce my husband than stay for the sake of my son?

Also should I leave I am financially secure and will have a place of my own so that’s not an issue. And I can’t even be bothered to fight him for child maintenance because I know he will fiddle his accounts etc

@justanotherremainer Thank you for your kind words. You are right re the courts - they do not recognise DV in my experience unless it is "proveable"; this is despite coercive control (allegedly) now being recognised as a crime. I have had the same with the police who told me that his trespassing in my garden and shouting abuse at my fiancé in front of the kids was a "civil matter." I was even told by one police officer that "unless I could show bruises" there was nothing she could do.
I am part of a group campaigning for change and lobbying the government because although it will come too late for myself and my children, this situation must change.
But OP - my situation really is worst case scenario. I have genuinely never in my life met anyone near as cruel or calculating as my ex-husband and, as other posters have said, a lot of people may say they want 50/50 but actually don't follow that up.
I wish you all of the very best because I do understand it isn't anywhere near as simple as "just" leaving

I live in fear. I don't sleep. All I see when I close my eyes are my boys being taken away from me until there comes a time when I may never see them again at all. Their vulnerable minds will become too poisoned for reconciliation.
It is hard to describe how it feels, but it's almost like a grief knowing that the mum you always wanted to be isn't the one you were allowed to become.

@Oldat40 you need professional help to heal the emotional trauma that is hijacking your mind and overwhelming your life. There is no need for you to be having flashbacks and racing catastrophic thoughts - both of these are taking you away from the here and now and spinning you either back into reliving events in the past or being terrified of a future that doesn’t exist. This is emotionally exhausting, draining and distracting - so that your finite energy is not directed to where it needs to be in the moment - living your life and feeling calm emotions of you experience right now. It sounds like you would really benefit from EMDR therapy. It is not healthy to live in a hyper aroused state all of the time - it floods your body with excess cortisol and adrenaline which changes your thoughts and behaviours negatively. Therapy would also help you emotionally compartmentalise intrusive thoughts about your ex so that you are freed to emotionally engage and enjoy your children and family life.

Haven’t read the full thread.

I completely understand your point OP - if I had fear about how my 1 year old son would be treated in the care of his father in a 50:50 scenario then I wouldn’t leave. I just couldn’t. I understand your fear and reasoning.

My sister left her partner when their first child was 1 year olds simply because they’d grown apart but ultimately she went back to him for the sake of their son - the difference though is that he was a good father.

6 years later (and another child later) she left him for good because of his behaviour towards her (he was a twat in a variety of ways) and the children were split 50:50 but again, he was a good father and she never had to worry about how they would be patented.

Maybe your husband would lose interest if you left, or maybe he would want 50:50 just to spite you - you know him far better than anyone on here does.

Of course it’s an unpopular opinion, but I absolutely understand why you feel like you do and in your situation, with such a young child, I wouldn’t be able to leave no matter how much it get like I “should do”.

The situation in Scotland is a tiny bit better. Our domestic abuse criminal law is pretty solid now, although there are still some issues in how it is enforced on the ground.

Family courts lag behind the criminal courts here interns of how progressive they are, but children do have a voice to a greater degree than in England and Wales. However, the nonsensical parental alienation guff spouted by a lot of abusers is a big and growing problem.

You have a really difficult choice OP. You are doing the right thing by thinking it through v carefully. In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently is to gather more evidence of the abuse before I left. But I would still have left. Am I only saying that because I still have my daughter? Very much so.

Oldat40, I am involved a tiny bit in the Scottish movement for change. Sounds like you are involved in England. Feel free to PM me, it’s always good to connect with other campaigners.

justsnotherremainer

I'd love to be involved in the Scottish movement. How can I do this? Yes. I'd have gathered more evidence before I left too. I didn't know how bad it was.