Those of you married to a lawyer

[Ancientruins]

Does it ever get better?

He's a lovely man and he earns a good salary but I'm twenty or so years in and the work never stops. I mean never.
Not on holiday. Not during births. Not during house moves.

And although a devoted husband and father who totally gets stuck in when available, that tends to be only two half days at weekends if we are lucky. And then he is so exhausted he either forces himself to join in, falls asleep while we are watching a film, or he looks so wretched I send him to bed to catch up on sleep.

Things are much better when we are on holiday; he becomes so much happier and more relaxed although business calls still creep in here and there. And of course it takes him ten days on either side to fight through the work and then catch up again to even get to the point where he can leave the office for a few days.

It used to work well because I very much like my own company and I have a close and supportive family, but as time goes on, I am starting to wonder what's the point, why do you even need a wife, do you just expect me to sit here and wait until you are available in fifteen years when you are retired? Isn't the point to enjoy the journey along the way? When I ask him this he says "but the reason I am doing this is for you and the DC". What am I supposed to say to that?

It sounds selfish because I know he loves me and relies on me being "around" but I am getting a bit tired of being at the bottom of the priority list which appears to be: work, DC (quite rightly), dog, household necessities, life admin, wife. Except by the time he gets time to focus on me he is so tired his eyes literally glaze over when we speak. I try not to take it personally.

I'm thoroughly fed of him constantly being on his phone, or conversations, meals , evenings being interrupted by calls from clients. When we were first married it was a joke that as soon as we started a conversation , he would rush out of the door to the office, to the airport, to a client meeting. Our teens actually named him "the smoke" because that's all that's left in his trail. The joke is starting to wear a bit thin!

People assume there are monetary compensations but I am lucky enough to have my own source of income so I am not dependent on him for that.

He says he can only do his job now at this level because of all the hours and the expertise he has built up over thirty years. And I know his work is in an important field which he finds incredibly challenging, and intellectually satisfying. But it doesn't leave time for anything else, and as the years go on, there doesn't seem to be any hope that things will change before he retires, if he doesn't drop dead of a heart attack or stroke first.

I miss him

I’m also not the Op but I posted upthread in 2021 about my very similar now XH. The one who was going to work less in 2022.

So no, he didn’t work less in 2022. Or 2023, 2024 and 2025. He's billing about 800k and making about 400k, so he pays a great deal in income tax. He has a huge pension, which he now can’t possibly live long enough to spend and of course his latest wife will have to pay more than 60% tax on that when she inherits it.

So the only good thing I can say about him is that he is contributing to the public purse.

He hardly ever sees his ( student / young adult age ) kids because he’s still too busy. They don't really care as they find him really boring, as he has nothing to talk about except his work . None of them are studying subjects / doing jobs that he can relate to, so he shows no interest in their lives.

In the four years since I posted on this thread, he has never once been to visit any of our kids where they now live / study ( in other parts of the UK). Yet he has travelled all over the world with his work.

He knows very little about his children . When he does see them, he’s like one of these distant uncles twice removed that you meet at family weddings / funerals who says “ I know you are one of Sarah’s kids, which one are you ? “ . He can’t remember details of their courses , what year they are in, what their hobbies are etc . Or he embarrasses them by loudly asking about a boyfriend/ girlfriend they split up with 3 years ago.

He makes an extremely modest contribution to their financial support at university ( compared to his large income ).

He insists that they visit him for the afternoon at Christmas and then he gives them such shit gifts that they are actually insulting . For example, he gave our 20 year old son a Lynx gift set .

So the kids have pretty much given up on him.

He has no hobbies and no friends. He does however have diabetes, hypertension, obesity, cardio vascular disease and erectile disfunction. It’s a tribute to modern medicine that he’s still alive.

It’s all such a waste of a life 🙁. The only people who will be sad when he dies are HMRC.

What age is he? What age us the new wife? What is she getting out of it?

Its such an awful life?!

I had a extremely brief fling with a barrister 18 months ago. He never stopped bragging about how much he billed, didn't have time to send bills out for previous work, so busy, half a mill outstanding. He was SOOOO Cheap, I ve never met anyone as cheap as him. He was due to inherit a farm from his uncle too. He had 1 son, and wasn't planning on leaving much to him, better fir the son to find his own way!!

My oh is an in house lawyer and much more reasonable hours, rarely any weekend work and definitely no work on holiday.

I also posted upthread. At the time DH was a new partner. He’s now moved firms to a slightly bigger international firm, earns about 320, still works 9-5 and works no weekends and no evenings and no holidays. Is present for the children and me, supportive generous and kind. Bit of an anxiety issue which he works hard to manage.
It is not the job that makes them
workaholic, absent and mean although perhaps the job attracts more than its fair share of men like this.

It’s not just law that’s like this- a fair few other industry’s/ businesses are - particularly if you are dealing with other country’s- my H can be like this- starts a conversation and then the hand goes up and ‘just got to take this’ - I do think it is a certain type- very conscientious , relatively senior and a bit of a workaholic types usually - I’ve often been sat on my own at airports with H pacing round on his mobile on a call for 40 mins etc - it can after awhile wear very thin

@VatofTea he’s late 60s now and his new wife of less than a year is in her 50s.

Whats she getting out of it ? Well I can only speculate .

She does her own thing, has her own life, travels , spends time with her children and grandchildren and has plenty money, while he works all the time.

They have a nice house, a housekeeper and lovely holidays in far flung places.

I expect he will be dead within the next 10 years and she will inherit everything. He has been clear he is not leaving his children anything, it’s all been placed in a trust for her.

What a prick, not to leave his estate to his own children, hers will inherit what's left. Just why? People are mad.

I agree, I see this all the time with men. If women re marry when they have kids, they make careful plans to ensure that their kids are provided for, both now and when they die.

When men leave a marriage, they too often abandon their kids , hardly ever see them and don’t pay child support ( these lawyers and accountants are smart enough to play the system ).

My kids’ father was only with this women for months when he changed his will to ensure she got everything. Where I live, it’s quite complicated legally to disinherit your children , you have to make deliberate plans to exclude them. Which makes him an even bigger prick than the men who simply “do nothing” , so that their new wife gets everything by default .

I feel sad for my kids , he has broken their hearts. One says they will never marry or cohabit ( as all men are bastards ), one has a partner but says they will never marry, and the other says he wants to marry and be the opposite kind of husband and father that his dad is.

I am so sorry that you devoted so much of your life to support that man. His ego knows no bounds.

@VatofTea thank you for saying that, I do feel sad about the two decades of my life sacrificed on the altar of his ego

And I’m very sad about how he treats our children.

I know he is a very empty person inside, he has thrown away the people who loved him deeply and faithfully and swapped them for a woman who ( I suspect ) has no interest in him, only in his money. He has very little in his life except his work , which is why he won’t retire. He won’t even live long enough to spend his pension pot, so two thirds of it will go to the government.

His work is an obsession if not an addiction, it’s his only means of validation and the only meaning to his life. He “ peaked “ several years ago in term of his career , he is mostly running off old cases . I suspect he won’t get many new big cases now, as clients won’t be confident he will be around in 5 or 6 years to go to court.

So yes, it’s a very sad tale and a waste of a life ( in my opinion). These clever , ambitious and very damaged men with huge egos and no soul cause big collateral damage, as they need other service humans to facilitate their career and image . And unfortunately my children and I are part of that damage. And of course I have some guilt for that, as I married him.

Anyway I fear I'm making this thread all about me, instead of the Op. But I hope it’s useful to others who are reading now in 2025. I can see from other updates that some of these men ARE capable of change , either within their existing role or a new one, which is very encouraging.

I suppose if I were giving advice to my younger self, it would be to make fewer sacrifices of my own career for his and to insist that he made reasonable accommodations and changes to his lifestyle to do more parenting and be more present in our marriage . Because clearly it’s not really a matter of CANNOT, it’s a matter of WILL NOT.

If I had understood that, I would have set timecslaes and if he didn’t stick to them, I could have left . Because the men who do actually value their marriage and children ARE capable of making changes - just the same as women in the profession.

It’s so obvious when you think about it - there are no jobs called “ man lawyer” and “ woman lawyer” . There are roles which are more or less compatible with family life and parents are free to choose . Fathers as well as women need to make compromises for their marriages and children, it’s can’t be all on women as it’s been for the last 70 years.

My partner and I are both lawyers and we 100% disagree with this.
it is an industry problem

https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/career-advice/career-development/stress-and-mental-health

I now work in the third sector and in my role have many colleagues who have left private practice with the same story, it’s inhumane

Does your partner enjoy work, or does he feel trapped?

Thank you to all who replied. I have read every one. And appreciate each of you sharing.

I’ve just thought of a lawyer I know in a top London firm, just about to make top of the tree. I remember him saying to me that his wife complained about him working a lot and he said someone’s got to fund the life style. It was a bit arrogant and dismissive.

I would imagine anyone who is in the job to that level is lost to it I’m afraid. Sadder if you’re lost to it and don’t get to the top

Came across this thread and thought I would chip in with how things worked out for me. DH was a partner in a prestigious law firm, he specialised in an area where it was constant deal making, M&A, very long hours, weekends, holidays all of that. I was a SAHM.

My attitude and his was we were a team. The kids when older (yes he called them cost centres 1,2 and 3 but we were all in on the joke) were used to going silent when mid meal he took a call, again we sympathised with him and would listen in a bit. My DD might say after the call was that Ben about Company A buying Company B? The three kids are now all studying business or economics. When they were small and he was working overseas Monday to Friday I would brief him daily on their friendship issues, if they did well at school or whatever so he was always able to pick up with them. I never once had a babysitter or went out in the evening with friends, I just focussed on the kids and keeping the show on the road. I was perfectly happy on the whole. We are both from humble backgrounds and wanted to save as much money as possible. DH was very clever and got scholarships.

He retired recently aged 56 and we are very happy. We always told the kids to avoid the law as the hours are horribly long for years and years before you start to earn good money. DH is a very warm, loving man, he set up a pension for me over 20 years ago, was transparent about his annual bonus (unlike some of his colleagues) and the kids have ISAs. All his old colleagues are still working crazy hours but most are on 2nd or 3rd wife and can’t really afford to retire early.

Give him an out. Be prepared to reduce your lifestyle and outgoings in order to get more quality time. Cannot be much fun for him being on duty all the time under huge pressure.