Those of you married to a lawyer

[Ancientruins]

Does it ever get better?

He's a lovely man and he earns a good salary but I'm twenty or so years in and the work never stops. I mean never.
Not on holiday. Not during births. Not during house moves.

And although a devoted husband and father who totally gets stuck in when available, that tends to be only two half days at weekends if we are lucky. And then he is so exhausted he either forces himself to join in, falls asleep while we are watching a film, or he looks so wretched I send him to bed to catch up on sleep.

Things are much better when we are on holiday; he becomes so much happier and more relaxed although business calls still creep in here and there. And of course it takes him ten days on either side to fight through the work and then catch up again to even get to the point where he can leave the office for a few days.

It used to work well because I very much like my own company and I have a close and supportive family, but as time goes on, I am starting to wonder what's the point, why do you even need a wife, do you just expect me to sit here and wait until you are available in fifteen years when you are retired? Isn't the point to enjoy the journey along the way? When I ask him this he says "but the reason I am doing this is for you and the DC". What am I supposed to say to that?

It sounds selfish because I know he loves me and relies on me being "around" but I am getting a bit tired of being at the bottom of the priority list which appears to be: work, DC (quite rightly), dog, household necessities, life admin, wife. Except by the time he gets time to focus on me he is so tired his eyes literally glaze over when we speak. I try not to take it personally.

I'm thoroughly fed of him constantly being on his phone, or conversations, meals , evenings being interrupted by calls from clients. When we were first married it was a joke that as soon as we started a conversation , he would rush out of the door to the office, to the airport, to a client meeting. Our teens actually named him "the smoke" because that's all that's left in his trail. The joke is starting to wear a bit thin!

People assume there are monetary compensations but I am lucky enough to have my own source of income so I am not dependent on him for that.

He says he can only do his job now at this level because of all the hours and the expertise he has built up over thirty years. And I know his work is in an important field which he finds incredibly challenging, and intellectually satisfying. But it doesn't leave time for anything else, and as the years go on, there doesn't seem to be any hope that things will change before he retires, if he doesn't drop dead of a heart attack or stroke first.

I miss him

[WhileAFoxIsWatching]

There are people like this in academia. Both sexes.

[genuinelyaskingforafriend]

I don't think it's being a lawyer.

It's his work ethic.

My husband is the same and in a very different kind of work.

[MsTSwift]

A senior partner at my old firm openly scoffed at loser men who were “still married to their first wives”. No words.

[Paris14eme]

@VatofTea thank you. I couldn’t quite believe it myself. I thought I was hearing things-but no. Only a partner in a law firm would use such execrable language with reference to his wife & children. It was almost like he thought HE was doing me a favour by being married to me, lol. He’s onto his third office wife as I write. She’s welcome to him (and the Porsche!).

[MsTSwift]

My version of “late” on a Friday would be around midnight. We would go for Wagamama’s around 7 then go back to the office <shudders at memories triggered>

[Workweeker]

Sorry but it does not have to be this way. There is an element of choice here. Especially as he becomes more senior he should be able to delegate and take time off. If he can't the. He needs to find another job (in a firm with a better work-life balance)

[Borgonzola]

Interesting to see this thread revived, I've kept it in my watched ever since DP started his SQE training.

Just had a text to say he'll be late home tonight. We have a 9 week old and I'm not coping very well. Not really the life I wanted. By 'late' thankfully he just means 8pm but it would make such a difference to me if he could just be home at half 6 like normal.

[LizTrussleftarmpit]

Name change for this. I know SO many men like this, the odd woman too but mainly the men.

Before kids I was a partner, long hours,stressful etc. Had a nephew I loved spending time with but kept missing his birthday parties, family lunches, bonfire night etc and realised that it would be the same if I had my own kids. So I quit and went in house. Less money but SO much flexibility and less stress plus I see my kids often.

A lot of them are driven by status and money sadly. It’s all that matters to them. A male partner confessed that he regrets missing out on his kids lives but continues to work non-stop. All so he can blow huge sums on fancy holidays and expensive bottles of wine. But what’s the point in spending huge amounts on a lush holiday if you have to work through most of it?!

Crazy crazy people

[MsTSwift]

At my old firm some male partners would voluntarily work between Christmas and NY when they didn’t have to avoid the family. They then build these fake ersatz relationships with work colleagues who they are with day and night because the hours are so long. Pathetic.

Then they wonder why there are so few women at the top - we saw that life and didn’t bloody want it thanks. Fools.

[VatofTea]

@Paris14eme

@Dacquoise you're right it doesn’t apply just to lawyers. But there are a lot lawyers who exemplify this type to a T. My xH being one. When we divorced, in his head, I hadn’t done much (I’m also a lawyer, I work f/t in industry so not as well paid, we have 4 kids and a dog) although I held this family together- and still do- shouldering all and I mean all the mental load. All he had to do was literally go to work. I did pretty much everything else. Christmas, birthdays, shopping, cooking, booking holidays, dealing with childcare, the schools, reading with children, car servicing, caring for the dog -the whole lot! He actually referred to me and the kids as a “cost centre” to my face! Needless to say, we are divorced. He has an avoidant approach to relationships and that will never change. He also has no purpose outside of work and is very status- conscious and materialistic (he bought himself a 2 seater Porsche without even telling me- we have 4 kids! Go figure). I’m just glad I only wasted 29 years on him- not the whole of the rest of my life. But I’m sincerely glad I had the kids. They were the only upside. I’m well shot.

A cost center - I'm literally gobsmacked and also laughing at the bare faced, diamond blindingly bright arrogance.

[Paris14eme]

@Dacquoise you're right it doesn’t apply just to lawyers. But there are a lot lawyers who exemplify this type to a T. My xH being one. When we divorced, in his head, I hadn’t done much (I’m also a lawyer, I work f/t in industry so not as well paid, we have 4 kids and a dog) although I held this family together- and still do- shouldering all and I mean all the mental load. All he had to do was literally go to work. I did pretty much everything else. Christmas, birthdays, shopping, cooking, booking holidays, dealing with childcare, the schools, reading with children, car servicing, caring for the dog -the whole lot! He actually referred to me and the kids as a “cost centre” to my face! Needless to say, we are divorced. He has an avoidant approach to relationships and that will never change. He also has no purpose outside of work and is very status- conscious and materialistic (he bought himself a 2 seater Porsche without even telling me- we have 4 kids! Go figure). I’m just glad I only wasted 29 years on him- not the whole of the rest of my life. But I’m sincerely glad I had the kids. They were the only upside. I’m well shot.

[Dacquoise]

Know this is an old thread but just to add my tuppence worth, I don't think this is exclusive to lawyers. Any workaholic type personality can exclude the people in his/her personal life for their pursuit of a job, can also be a hobby or sport. This can be as a result of avoidant behaviour, driven by a fear of intimacy. My exH would do anything to avoid being around me or our child because of his issues but covered it up with his work and hobbies to look normal.

Any situation that required his presence that felt threatening to him resulted in 'unmissable' work meetings, or phone calls or having to attend a sports event to not let the team down. The kicker is that you end up constantly hoping for improvement, that when that project ends, when he is too old to play sport etc. It constantly gets pushed down the road but the reality is it never changes, the cricket gets replaced with golf, the promotion means more trips away.

In the meantime you're carrying the load completely alone, building resentment until you realize they just can't cope with being too close to you and never will be able to. Oh, and when you divorce all the assets and money belongs to them, in their head, because you haven't done much - just been the menial cleaner, cook, housekeeper and childcare at the expense of your own ambitions!

[LadyEloise1]

@SandSeaBeach

It’s a choice. He chooses work over family. You also have a choice. You’ve indicated that you don’t need the money. So why wait for that heart attack. I have two friends whose (previously fit and active) husbands have had heart attacks before 45. Both regularly working over 12-14 hours a day. Both very high earners. Both now frightened to go on a family bike ride. But it is a choice.

It happened to my friend's dh.
Work took priority.
He wasn't there for her.
He looked down his nose at her job. She didn't earn enough 🙄
He was an arrogant workaholic. Those he worked with loved him. A real street angel and house devil.
He was let go from work 😮
(A disagreement with his boss. Tbf he wouldn't do something he thought dodgy).
Then he got sick.
She looked after him.
They are still together - why I don't know as he's still a bit of a sh*t.

But I can't interfere. Just be there for her.

[DeBears]

I suggested this at one point, I’m glad you were brave enough to make the move, not a chance in hell I could convince my other half to do the same.

[MsTSwift]

Vat - excellent description. We were both in this world and bailed left the City entirely and moved to the south west. Dh halved his salary (gulp) still in law but is not a corporate drone has a life works hard but reasonable hours and has been a brilliant present and involved father for the last 16 years. His old City peers thought we were mad at the time as he was on the partnership track at a Magic Circle firm. They don’t now.

[DeBears]

Apologies - sentence not paragraph

[DeBears]

@VatofTea

Another lawyer here, and agree it is a choice. I'm in industry, delegate all the time, and am not afraid to coast along.

Refusal to delegate/let go/not micromanage is all a choice. It's a career that creates narcissists'. So self consumed, I'd never marry a lawyer, they'd bore me to death. They are surrounded by dutiful juniors (ambitious sycophants), and spend so much time in the office, that the office become their family, they can delegate family life and outsource it to the little women at home, but cannot release control over their workspace. Their ego's are totally wrapped up in their professional reputation.

They are similar to addicts, you are their hostage rather than their partner. The world revolves around their job, the entire world.

The last paragraph of this is so accurate….

[VatofTea]

Another lawyer here, and agree it is a choice. I'm in industry, delegate all the time, and am not afraid to coast along.

Refusal to delegate/let go/not micromanage is all a choice. It's a career that creates narcissists'. So self consumed, I'd never marry a lawyer, they'd bore me to death. They are surrounded by dutiful juniors (ambitious sycophants), and spend so much time in the office, that the office become their family, they can delegate family life and outsource it to the little women at home, but cannot release control over their workspace. Their ego's are totally wrapped up in their professional reputation.

They are similar to addicts, you are their hostage rather than their partner. The world revolves around their job, the entire world.

[DeBears]

Spotted this thread whilst doing a google. We have a week off next week, first time off together since May and my husband has just told me he’s going to be working all weekend. City lawyer too, I’m fed up of it quite frankly. Constantly being told there are “up sides” by family members but much like a PP i can sustain my own lifestyle as I also a lawyer (but in industry) and I’d rather he spent time with me. Want to adopt next year but terrified he’s going to be absent during the process and ruin our chances and/or be absent when a child is placed. At the end of my tether, no end in sight :/

[FiddlefigOnTheRoof]

My heart goes out to you OP, from someone who comes from those circles.

[PersonaNonGarter]

Hi @Ancientruins I’ve been wondering how you got on. Did you speak to your DH?

[oil0W0lio]

If I am brutally honest, the most difficult thing is the imbalance to do with me feeling incidental to his life where as he feels central to mine
It's humiliating to be a tiny unnoticed planet orbiting a huge glittering sun...when you thought you were signing up to be life partners:(

[DeeCeeCherry]

A good friend of mine was married to a lawyer, workaholic in the same way as described here.

After 29 years of marriage and DCs who'd grown up he told her 'Im sorry, I can see a future and happy retirement but - not with you'

This conversation came out of her broaching the subject of a 1 week Mediterranean cruise now that the DCs had flown the nest.

He's with a younger colleague now. But still working all the hours God sends and presumably he'll only stop when his health fails.

Being ships passing in the night, barely time spent together for decades then expecting a fulfilled and contented "together retirement" to come your way via a man like this, is very naive. The "when we're old" waiting on this is sad.

Have a very straight talk with your Husband OP and listen carefully to what he says, don't analyse or 2nd guess what you think he may be thinking/feeling. Be in the moment. When he's said his piece you then decide how to go forward.

Unfortunately though if he'd wanted to be with you a bit more then he would have been.

[kirinm]

@SchrodingersImmigrant

You made it to legalcheek.👀

And roll on Friday.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

You made it to legalcheek.👀