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Original poster

Am i unreasonable?police officer

116 replies

Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:20

Bit of a moany post but im getting fed up.
My partner is a police officer we have been together a few years, and we split for a year and got back together..
Anyway i just feel like all he cares about is his job, hes had a really good job in the police working 9-5 very lucky! He has then taken another job where he travels and never knows what time hes finishing, and he took it without discussing it with me first. So as today stands i havent seen him for a week, he never texts or calls ( hes always been bad for this but even worse now) is it that hard to call me when finished 🤷‍♀️
Our son is missing him too, ive asked how long this job is on for and he said 6 months roughly, but he also said to me he wants me to be more supportive and understand his job and that he needs to enjoy the job hes doing so if thats the hours thats it. We dont live together but when he does stay he will put kids to bed and then go to sleep ! He says he still loves me and wants to be together but im struggling alot. We split for a year and he promised when we got back together we would be his priority but hes worse than ever. Hes a good man and ive had horrible relationships but i just dont feel loved! Does it get better ?

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 11/02/2021 20:26

It would only get better with someone that wanted the same thing as you. And it doesn't sound like he does.

What exactly do you get from the relationship? You do all the work as a single parent. When he does stay he goes to bed straight after putting the kids to bed.
Do you want a partner to love with and share life? Or someone who contacts you only when he wants to and comes and goes as he pleases.
He can still be a father without being your partner. Would that be better?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2021 20:29

This doesn't sound like much of a relationship, and what there is of one is all on his terms.

This wouldn't work for me, and you shouldn't tolerate it, either. Raise your standards and move on. You deserve to be loved and appreciated.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 11/02/2021 20:30

There is a high divorce rate in the police, it's not a nine to five job, yes there are those roles but most people who chose to go into the police didn't go in for those jobs, they get bored. I manage a multi agency specialist team including police and our hours are very odd at times, luckily DH works in a psychiatric function in a prison so understands some jobs you can't just down tools and walk away.
It's not ok he doesn't text you when he's finished and it's not ok to change jobs without discussing it when it impacts you.

7yo7yo · 11/02/2021 20:32

So he’s not really committed to the relationship then. What do you get out of it?

bluebluezoo · 11/02/2021 20:35

So you don’t live together?

How many kids do you have? Are they his?

Did you ever live together? It sounds like you have separate lives so I don’t think you have a say in his career.

If you lived together and were reliant on each other, then that would be different.

FTEngineerM · 11/02/2021 20:35

Erm not what you want to hear but my DP left the police 3 months after we had DC, he decided it was taking too much away from his ability to father his child (Which in the long run is more important than his short term goals as Inspector/CI). Which it does, you’re a servant of the queen, your life isn’t yours.

Whether you stay and live with it of course, is your choice.

1Morewineplease · 11/02/2021 20:38

He's a police officer and is career driven. I'm not sure that you can change that.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:39

We used to live together but then obviously split we have been back together a few months and would eventually move back in when things are better. He loves the kids and hes a great dad just when hes around, i guess im just disappointed all the things he promised would be different arent. I work and started a college course where he was to have the kids on the 2 nights i went obviously hes now cancelled that to focus on his career and im so proud of him but i guess i just feel when do i get to do something id like to do ( esp as i arranged with him before i started the course)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:41

I dont want to change him, well i guess i do in the sense id like him to call more and just wish he had consulted us before changing jobs he enjoyed what he did before i would understand if he had hated it

OP posts:
Stationfork · 11/02/2021 20:42

As sad as it is as a police officer I can say that yes, the job takes the best and the most of you, you can't choose when you finish. Do you love him enough to only see him very little? If not then end it so you can both be with other people.

This is why cops end up with other cops or shift workers as our lives just can't fit into a normal pattern.

Petitmum · 11/02/2021 20:45

My exdh was married to the police more than me, he isn't going to change! We were together for 17 years and thankfully didn't have kids, I list count if the number of family events, nights out etc that were missed over the years. I accepted that was the way it was, I didn't mind him putting hus job first but I drew the line when he found another woman!!!!

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:46

@Stationfork

As sad as it is as a police officer I can say that yes, the job takes the best and the most of you, you can't choose when you finish. Do you love him enough to only see him very little? If not then end it so you can both be with other people.

This is why cops end up with other cops or shift workers as our lives just can't fit into a normal pattern.

I totally understand that, it was just frustrating he decided to take this job when i had already started my new course last year I do love him alot, but he will never see from my view
OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 11/02/2021 20:47

What kind of role is he doing that he doesn't come home for a week?

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:48

@Petitmum

My exdh was married to the police more than me, he isn't going to change! We were together for 17 years and thankfully didn't have kids, I list count if the number of family events, nights out etc that were missed over the years. I accepted that was the way it was, I didn't mind him putting hus job first but I drew the line when he found another woman!!!!
This is what worries me, what if whilst working he got close to someone else :-/ he says he loves me. and he really isnt the unfaithful type. Just loves his job which is amazing but we just get left to the side and are expected to see him whenever hes free
OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:49

@StoneofDestiny

What kind of role is he doing that he doesn't come home for a week?
He does come home every night but he has his own place and we live 30 miles apart so if its late he just goes to his
OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 11/02/2021 20:52

Sorry - misunderstood.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:52

@Mumdiva99

It would only get better with someone that wanted the same thing as you. And it doesn't sound like he does.

What exactly do you get from the relationship? You do all the work as a single parent. When he does stay he goes to bed straight after putting the kids to bed.
Do you want a partner to love with and share life? Or someone who contacts you only when he wants to and comes and goes as he pleases.
He can still be a father without being your partner. Would that be better?

We did this and he constantly chased me to get back together made a lot of promises etc and then it feels like hes worse. I said to him your seeing the kids once twice a week it does not seem fair he saw them more when we were apart !
OP posts:
Slub · 11/02/2021 21:01

So he wants to dip in and out of your life when it suits but doesn't want you to be free to be single and pursue your own goals and maybe find a bloke who does want to be in your life.
I'd be chucking this one back in the sea.

JorisBonson · 11/02/2021 21:03

@Stationfork

As sad as it is as a police officer I can say that yes, the job takes the best and the most of you, you can't choose when you finish. Do you love him enough to only see him very little? If not then end it so you can both be with other people.

This is why cops end up with other cops or shift workers as our lives just can't fit into a normal pattern.

Exactly this. I'm a a copper who married another copper.

I can easily spend 5 or 6 days pretty much on my own thanks to DH's shift pattern and the current climate. But I knew what I was getting into when I married him. It's part and parcel of the job.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 21:05

@Slub

So he wants to dip in and out of your life when it suits but doesn't want you to be free to be single and pursue your own goals and maybe find a bloke who does want to be in your life. I'd be chucking this one back in the sea.
Haha love that chuck him back in the sea! Trust me im close !
OP posts:
OhamIreally · 11/02/2021 21:08

A colleague of mine whose ex was also a police officer said to me: "they're all the same, they never have any money and there's always another murder or another burglary". There may be someone along to say "NAPALT" (not all police are like that) but it certainly resonated with me. At least years of going to birthdays and social events alone set you up to be self reliant after divorce.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 21:10

@OhamIreally

A colleague of mine whose ex was also a police officer said to me: "they're all the same, they never have any money and there's always another murder or another burglary". There may be someone along to say "NAPALT" (not all police are like that) but it certainly resonated with me. At least years of going to birthdays and social events alone set you up to be self reliant after divorce.
He always has money, but hes bloody tight 🤣 Yeah thats true it would be no different im pretty much single whilst in a relationship!
OP posts:
Lamentations · 11/02/2021 21:12

Are you working OP or stuck at home? Could that be colouring your view of his job?

Lamentations · 11/02/2021 21:15

@OhamIreally

A colleague of mine whose ex was also a police officer said to me: "they're all the same, they never have any money and there's always another murder or another burglary". There may be someone along to say "NAPALT" (not all police are like that) but it certainly resonated with me. At least years of going to birthdays and social events alone set you up to be self reliant after divorce.
Well yes, your friend dates ONE police officer and is now an authority on them all. Ridiculous.
BrilliantBetty · 11/02/2021 21:17

This is just silly. He chased you trying to get you back for a year and then never spends time with you. What's the point of that!

He just wanted to keep you hanging on, not going out there to live your own life. And what about the course you had wanted to do? Don't you have just as much right to do something for yourself.. he sounds selfish. (Unless he had to take this job for financial reasons to keep the family afloat)