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Original poster

Am i unreasonable?police officer

116 replies

Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:20

Bit of a moany post but im getting fed up.
My partner is a police officer we have been together a few years, and we split for a year and got back together..
Anyway i just feel like all he cares about is his job, hes had a really good job in the police working 9-5 very lucky! He has then taken another job where he travels and never knows what time hes finishing, and he took it without discussing it with me first. So as today stands i havent seen him for a week, he never texts or calls ( hes always been bad for this but even worse now) is it that hard to call me when finished 🤷‍♀️
Our son is missing him too, ive asked how long this job is on for and he said 6 months roughly, but he also said to me he wants me to be more supportive and understand his job and that he needs to enjoy the job hes doing so if thats the hours thats it. We dont live together but when he does stay he will put kids to bed and then go to sleep ! He says he still loves me and wants to be together but im struggling alot. We split for a year and he promised when we got back together we would be his priority but hes worse than ever. Hes a good man and ive had horrible relationships but i just dont feel loved! Does it get better ?

OP posts:
Wester · 12/02/2021 06:44

Definitely sounds like he is living another life without you OP.

Do you know he took another job? Or is he actually still doing 9-5 and another person is the extra work hours? You say he doesn't call or text, too much effort to come home? Is there a pattern, is it always the same day?

The thing that really stands out is he brought his own house when you were separated! If he wanted to get back with you surely he would have rented/ stayed with family. To buy a house he would have had a deposit etc squirreled away.

Typical MN cliché but I would leave the arsehole.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 12/02/2021 06:48

I don’t know, really. You chose to have children with a police officer and that’s what’s you’ve got. He lives elsewhere, so of course you see less of him. I wouldn’t fancy it, but I wouldn’t date a copper.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 12/02/2021 08:18

@Wester

Definitely sounds like he is living another life without you OP.

Do you know he took another job? Or is he actually still doing 9-5 and another person is the extra work hours? You say he doesn't call or text, too much effort to come home? Is there a pattern, is it always the same day?

The thing that really stands out is he brought his own house when you were separated! If he wanted to get back with you surely he would have rented/ stayed with family. To buy a house he would have had a deposit etc squirreled away.

Typical MN cliché but I would leave the arsehole.

No I dont know he took the other job other than hes told me he has. No not the same days its different, for example last night he finally text at 1.30am to say im home its been a mad one hope you are all OK I love you good night. I've not bothered to respond this morning 😶

He had a house which he sold to move in with me and then when we split he bought a house after 6 months apart as he won't rent ( and was living with parents) and I was ok with it as In my mind we were never getting back together then obviously we did. I could stay at his every night and wait for him to come home but I dont want to do that as I have work and the children have school and its a long old drive every morning
I think im going to have the discussion this weekend and say its just not working anymore 😕

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 12/02/2021 08:24

Of you've only been back together for a couple of months, it's likely that this role was in the cards before you did. If he agreed to it before, it would be unreasonable to then turn it down.

Also.it is cleat something he wants to do. What if he gave it up, looked into moving back together and 2 weeks later you decide that you don't want to be with him again after all?

1stmonkey · 12/02/2021 08:28

Police wife here. There is a reason the cliche of "join the force, get divorced" exists. It's not easy. The fact is that there will be times where the job takes over. As much as teaching, medicine, and others, it is a vocation, not just a job.

You have a choice to make. You either have to accept the situation. Or not. Please don't think i'm not sympathetic, i fully understand how unexpected overtime, night shifts, last minute roster changes, training days etc disrupt family life. It drives me demented sometimes.

But that's the job. You can choose to accept it or move on.

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2021 08:44

What is he shift pattern? Could you treat it like he works away and just have him home on his days off?

user1494055864 · 12/02/2021 09:18

It sounds like you are the other woman.

He didn't like you having a new relationship so keeps you hanging on even though he has no intention of committing.
Sounds dodgy that he took on a different role for the same money. He's either earning more and not telling you, or he leaves at the same time and goes home to his other woman.
Dump him OP and move on.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 12/02/2021 09:28

@Hankunamatata

What is he shift pattern? Could you treat it like he works away and just have him home on his days off?
There is no shift pattern really its Monday to Friday 8am until whenever he finishes. I could treat it like that but the problem is he works every other weekend on a Saturday so its not even like I know when the weekend comes we will be together, and that would possibly work if we didn't have a child but we do. I think he wants to live his life as he wants and me be waiting for him to come home like his ex used to do and im not up for that to be honest.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup121 · 12/02/2021 09:31

@1stmonkey

Police wife here. There is a reason the cliche of "join the force, get divorced" exists. It's not easy. The fact is that there will be times where the job takes over. As much as teaching, medicine, and others, it is a vocation, not just a job.

You have a choice to make. You either have to accept the situation. Or not. Please don't think i'm not sympathetic, i fully understand how unexpected overtime, night shifts, last minute roster changes, training days etc disrupt family life. It drives me demented sometimes.

But that's the job. You can choose to accept it or move on.

I think alot is maybe because we don't live together so he's not coming home every night maybe it would be easier if he were., i just dont know. Its also frustrating he took this new job which was a choice when he could of stayed in the other 9-5 so we had the best of both worlds. I think I have alot of thinking to do
OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup121 · 12/02/2021 09:34

@dontdisturbmenow

Of you've only been back together for a couple of months, it's likely that this role was in the cards before you did. If he agreed to it before, it would be unreasonable to then turn it down.

Also.it is cleat something he wants to do. What if he gave it up, looked into moving back together and 2 weeks later you decide that you don't want to be with him again after all?

You are right i didn't think about it that way at all actually
OP posts:
Melodiouschimes · 12/02/2021 09:36

Find other childcare and do your course. Prioritise your career (like he has done)

Work out what you are getting from the relationship.

Icequeen01 · 12/02/2021 09:45

I posted earlier as the wife/daughter of a police officer. The more I read your posts the more I am starting to also smell a rat - this is not normal even from my long experience. There seems to be no commitment to you whatsoever. I do get the "high" he gets from his job and the team can almost become his family but I haven't read one thing in your posts where you seem to enter into his equation.

I do think you need to think of your needs now. Going up the ranks can take years and if he has no commitment to you now you have a child then I'm sorry to say I don't think anything is going to change his behaviour.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 12/02/2021 09:50

@Icequeen01

I posted earlier as the wife/daughter of a police officer. The more I read your posts the more I am starting to also smell a rat - this is not normal even from my long experience. There seems to be no commitment to you whatsoever. I do get the "high" he gets from his job and the team can almost become his family but I haven't read one thing in your posts where you seem to enter into his equation.

I do think you need to think of your needs now. Going up the ranks can take years and if he has no commitment to you now you have a child then I'm sorry to say I don't think anything is going to change his behaviour.

He says the job is 6 months secondment (if that's how its spelt) and then back to his 9-5 but im wary of letting this go on and all of a sudden after 6 months suddenly hes staying in the role Confused
OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 12/02/2021 10:12

And he may well come off this attachment after the 6 months and do a 9-5 job but I would like to bet that he will be looking out for the next exciting attachment to get his "rush".

I really feel for you. Please start thinking about what is best for you now. If he really wants to be with you then he has to start making some sacrifices. If his job is more important to him, as hard as that will be for you to hear, at least you know. This dangling you on a string is just cruel.

Hubblebubble75 · 12/02/2021 10:23

I would be suspicious about another woman tbh. He’s living the perfect life - separate flat and all that. You doing all the heavy lifting. How do you know he’s working ?

Hubblebubble75 · 12/02/2021 10:24

And I don’t think there’s a faithful type - look at all the women on here with cheating partners who are so confident they aren’t the type. Police are also notorious for affairs

ChristmasFluff · 12/02/2021 10:34

The main point is that he made loads of promises to get you back, and he hasn't followed through. Nothing has changed. This is important information. He made a huge life decision without consulting you - more important information. He cannot be bothered to call or text you. All this information is showing you that you are not important to him. Promises are cheap when they are just words that never come to fruition.

He never will change, not really. If this isn't how you want your relationship to be, you need another relationship. I guarantee that he doesn't value you enough to avoid an affair if it presents itself.

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2021 10:46

You say upthread, quite rightly, that you won’t move to be nearer him as he is working and behaving. You also say he won’t move, change or even keep his word about supporting you (which you don’t seem angry enough about).

So it’s difficult to see how this can work out in the way you hope? The benefit to splitting again would be that you could stop giving him all this Head space. I rarely say LTB on here but I can’t see how you can resolve this when he’s so unavailable yet dishonest about what he wants.

Good luck with your nursing and the nice life you have already carved out for your family. More fool him for letting it go.

billy1966 · 12/02/2021 11:04

OP,

He sounds so selfish.
You are not his priority.

Well done for not moving.

Focus on formalising your separation and moving on with your career.

Don't waste your life waiting around for a man who doesn't factor you or your children into his life.
Flowers

Original poster
Fedup121 · 12/02/2021 16:46

We are having a talk tonight I will let you all know how it goes thankyou to the majority of you for being kind ❤

OP posts:
MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 12/02/2021 17:55

We're just moving this over to the relationships topic.

pog100 · 12/02/2021 18:56

@Karen138

Hello, First of all, sort out your fudging grammar. Secondly, The man's cheating, and you know it!
Well you are certainly living up to your "name"
AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2021 00:42

"well exactly, i wonder if your ex and my partner when they get old and retire will think loosing their family was worth the job."

I know someone that during his career I'd say was 80% officer and 20% dad and husband. He lost his wife and his son and daughter couldn't be bothered with him, all due to his job. He was happy as Larry as long as he was still working. Then he retired and realized he was all alone. He blames his family for 'deserting him', it couldn't possibly be his job or his work/life IMbalance, oh no.

Boopthesnoot1 · 13/02/2021 01:37

Regardless of his job, he promised you he would treat you better and he hasn't. That's it, nothing else. Stop giving this shit man an excuse (the job) a reason to neglect your emotional needs in the relationship. I have dated my partner who is Police Officer for 6 years and yes he is late home but he always tells me, talks to me about his day. Yesterday he did a warrant on some junkies house and he let me know he would be home late to see your daughter to bed. What you described is unacceptable, tell him to be better of fuck off.

LemonViolet · 14/02/2021 07:24

Sounds dodgy that he took on a different role for the same money.
Just to say that wouldn’t be unusual in the police, to do a different role without pay increase to widen your experience/skills, people don’t tend to stay in the same role/team for more than a few years in general.

Although yes my police partner will text most days to update me on when to expect him home etc! We also have each other authorised on that locator app as well so I can see if he’s still at work or on his way home.

Hope you’ve managed to talk this weekend OP and that you’re ok.