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Original poster

Am i unreasonable?police officer

116 replies

Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 20:20

Bit of a moany post but im getting fed up.
My partner is a police officer we have been together a few years, and we split for a year and got back together..
Anyway i just feel like all he cares about is his job, hes had a really good job in the police working 9-5 very lucky! He has then taken another job where he travels and never knows what time hes finishing, and he took it without discussing it with me first. So as today stands i havent seen him for a week, he never texts or calls ( hes always been bad for this but even worse now) is it that hard to call me when finished 🤷‍♀️
Our son is missing him too, ive asked how long this job is on for and he said 6 months roughly, but he also said to me he wants me to be more supportive and understand his job and that he needs to enjoy the job hes doing so if thats the hours thats it. We dont live together but when he does stay he will put kids to bed and then go to sleep ! He says he still loves me and wants to be together but im struggling alot. We split for a year and he promised when we got back together we would be his priority but hes worse than ever. Hes a good man and ive had horrible relationships but i just dont feel loved! Does it get better ?

OP posts:
DalryPlace · 11/02/2021 22:26

This is what worries me, what if whilst working he got close to someone else :-/ he says he loves me. and he really isnt the unfaithful type

My ex policeman husband said the same...then got close to one of his female colleagues ....who 'understood him' better than me.....

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:27

@user1732578431456

im ok with not living together whilst we work on things

Are the two of you working on things? Or is it just you putting up with the same old shit from him again?

How many of his promises has he honoured so far?

we are supposed to be working on things but i feel i am and hes not, probably the same old shit to be honest but actually worse, before he always came home no matter how late now he doesn't. i don't think hes honoured one promise actually now you say that, i agreed to start counselling as i was letting issues from my shitty ex into our relationship, and ive done that and am glad i have for myself mostly but then what is he doing ? nothing.

well hes a very good dad WHEN around, its pissing me off too he cant even take the time to call the kids either. i hadn't heard from him for that long yesterday i actually googled to see if anything had happened to any police officers how awful really !

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:28

@DalryPlace

This is what worries me, what if whilst working he got close to someone else :-/ he says he loves me. and he really isnt the unfaithful type

My ex policeman husband said the same...then got close to one of his female colleagues ....who 'understood him' better than me.....

what a bastard i'm sorry he did that to you :( i never thought of him meeting someone else whilst at work now im thinking maybe he has- god knows why they would want to hes a miserable git lol
OP posts:
Coulddowithanap · 11/02/2021 22:29

I'm going to come on and say not all police officers are cheats. People on here make it sound like all police do but that's really not true. Of course some do but they would no matter what the job.

My DP is actually home more as a PO than before when working a 8-6 job. He is home for some school runs, books time off for Christmas plays and other occasions (as long as we have plenty of notice) and we have more child free time. When the kids are at school we can go for lunch together or cinema (before covid obviously)

Anyway I think your partner was very out of order to not discuss the job change with you. I hope you still manage to do the course.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:34

@Coulddowithanap

I'm going to come on and say not all police officers are cheats. People on here make it sound like all police do but that's really not true. Of course some do but they would no matter what the job.

My DP is actually home more as a PO than before when working a 8-6 job. He is home for some school runs, books time off for Christmas plays and other occasions (as long as we have plenty of notice) and we have more child free time. When the kids are at school we can go for lunch together or cinema (before covid obviously)

Anyway I think your partner was very out of order to not discuss the job change with you. I hope you still manage to do the course.

I know, its not the job that makes people cheat its the person.

That's really good he sounds like he takes his role as a husband and father as his number 1 priority!
yes i think that's what i'm disappointed about most that my career wasn't taken as seriously as his.

I am still on my course, i have a very good cousin who is helping out shes amazing :) x

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 11/02/2021 22:38

I think he needs to provide either paid childcare for the two nights you study or look after the kids himself those two nights.

It’s good for him to have a career in loves and the hours I agree are just one of those things. However he has let you down regarding childcare and he needs to remedy that as a priority. He needs to take on his parenting responsibilities

Karen138 · 11/02/2021 22:41

Hello,
First of all, sort out your fudging grammar. Secondly, The man's cheating, and you know it!

Micah · 11/02/2021 22:41

yes this is what i dont quite get he says i have no choice, but i think then how do the mothers that are police officers manage it?

Well yes. We’re back to the old women picking up the home/children slack, going part time, while men are expected to have a wife to do that.

Societal expectations.

It does depend on the force a little. I work in a city centre force and from my own observations because men are encouraged to have a work/life balance as well as women, and the culture doesn’t ridicule males as under the thumb or whatever, no one bats an eye when someone needs to be in late, take a day off, or leave early for childcare issues be they male or female.

Obviously there are men who will pull the work shit to get out of doing any wifework.

Coulddowithanap · 11/02/2021 22:41

Absolutely agree, he needs to step up and take responsibility as a parent (whether you are together or not).

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:45

@Karen138

Hello, First of all, sort out your fudging grammar. Secondly, The man's cheating, and you know it!
Don't think i posted on here for a lesson in grammar
OP posts:
Icequeen01 · 11/02/2021 22:47

I have been both the daughter and wife of a police officer, both of whom served 30 years in the police. I have lived the "police life" literally from the day I was born until 6 years ago when my DH retired.

In my experience it really depends on the job they do in the police. My dad was ambitious and went up the ranks to DCI. He was always in the middle of a murder case or some other major incident which became all consuming. We hardly ever saw him. Strangely my DH was exactly the same, climbing up the ranks to DCI and spending many years on the Major Crime Unit where again if he was on a murder he never came home apart from to sleep for a few hours and was then gone again. I think my marriage survived because I was used to this life and knew what to expect. I also made sure I had a full life of my own so when my DH wasn't around I wasn't sitting at home waiting for him. I accept this isn't everyone's idea of an ideal marriage but it worked for us. Luckily, when my DS was born my DH came off the MCU and took a job in the police that had regular(ish) hours so he could spend time with us.

Sadly I have met lots of police officers who have affairs with colleagues but I have also seen just as many affairs within the education sector where I work. If someone really wants to spend more time with their DP/family there are jobs within the police that have more regular hours but it all boils down to where their loyalty lies.

HugeBowlofChips · 11/02/2021 22:49

But what would the alternative be? If he gave up this job?

My husband is a head teacher. He is up at 5 and works until he sleeps. This is the life we both chose.

The problem seems to be - you had no say in this.

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:49

@Micah

yes this is what i dont quite get he says i have no choice, but i think then how do the mothers that are police officers manage it?

Well yes. We’re back to the old women picking up the home/children slack, going part time, while men are expected to have a wife to do that.

Societal expectations.

It does depend on the force a little. I work in a city centre force and from my own observations because men are encouraged to have a work/life balance as well as women, and the culture doesn’t ridicule males as under the thumb or whatever, no one bats an eye when someone needs to be in late, take a day off, or leave early for childcare issues be they male or female.

Obviously there are men who will pull the work shit to get out of doing any wifework.

I think he says work are probably worse than they are tbh! yes the usual but times have changed we women dont sit at home all day with no job looking after the kids whilst they work, its about time they realised this
OP posts:
OhamIreally · 11/02/2021 22:56

@crocoonimper "he's not the man I married" - this is key also. A kind man can be brutalised by the Force.

Police even have their own expression for affairs "over the side". I've never heard that expression outside the police force.

Karen138 · 11/02/2021 22:56

Not my fault that I do not know how to capitalise correctly.

QueenArseClangers · 11/02/2021 22:57

Is he at least contributing financially for his children?

Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:57

@Icequeen01

I have been both the daughter and wife of a police officer, both of whom served 30 years in the police. I have lived the "police life" literally from the day I was born until 6 years ago when my DH retired.

In my experience it really depends on the job they do in the police. My dad was ambitious and went up the ranks to DCI. He was always in the middle of a murder case or some other major incident which became all consuming. We hardly ever saw him. Strangely my DH was exactly the same, climbing up the ranks to DCI and spending many years on the Major Crime Unit where again if he was on a murder he never came home apart from to sleep for a few hours and was then gone again. I think my marriage survived because I was used to this life and knew what to expect. I also made sure I had a full life of my own so when my DH wasn't around I wasn't sitting at home waiting for him. I accept this isn't everyone's idea of an ideal marriage but it worked for us. Luckily, when my DS was born my DH came off the MCU and took a job in the police that had regular(ish) hours so he could spend time with us.

Sadly I have met lots of police officers who have affairs with colleagues but I have also seen just as many affairs within the education sector where I work. If someone really wants to spend more time with their DP/family there are jobs within the police that have more regular hours but it all boils down to where their loyalty lies.

he works in the drugs squad on the county lines and is trying to climb the ladder, so i get its a serious job just wish we had been consulted first not told. I don't think hes being unfaithful hes just career obsessed i'd rather he just said 'i cant be a partner right now i want to focus on my career' i'd be annoyed/upset but at least he was honest which is all i ask instead of stringing us along
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/02/2021 22:58

@Karen138

Hello, First of all, sort out your fudging grammar. Secondly, The man's cheating, and you know it!
God you must have had a bad day if you can be arsed to pick up on a stranger's grammar, especially when they are posting about going through a really tough time. Hope it made you feel better.
Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:58

@Karen138

Not my fault that I do not know how to capitalise correctly.
oh go and be a karen elsewhere pleaseeee
OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 11/02/2021 22:59

@Karen138

Not my fault that I do not know how to capitalise correctly.
What are you on about @Karen138?
Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 22:59

@QueenArseClangers

Is he at least contributing financially for his children?
yes he always provides for the children and if i never need a little help money wise he always will no questions asked
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/02/2021 23:00

@Karen138

Not my fault that I do not know how to capitalise correctly.
Did you mean for this to make no sense at all? Is it some sort of riddle?
Original poster
Fedup121 · 11/02/2021 23:04

@Karen138

Not my fault that I do not know how to capitalise correctly.
That's okay YOU do not know how to capitalise correctly. No judgement here lol
OP posts:
crocoonimper · 11/02/2021 23:20

@OhamIreally that comment just got me really emotional. I never really thought of it that way. But yes - and with some time and hindsight now I can see that.
@Fedup121 I still care massively about my exH but I am no longer feeling responsible for the changed man he has become. At the end of the day he had a choice and he chose the job. They always have a choice. Please don’t be an option for too much longer xx

Northernsoullover · 12/02/2021 06:36

@Karen138

Hello, First of all, sort out your fudging grammar. Secondly, The man's cheating, and you know it!
This is mumsnet. She's not about to submit her posts on Turnitin FFS.