Am i unreasonable?police officer

[Fedup121]

Bit of a moany post but im getting fed up.
My partner is a police officer we have been together a few years, and we split for a year and got back together..
Anyway i just feel like all he cares about is his job, hes had a really good job in the police working 9-5 very lucky! He has then taken another job where he travels and never knows what time hes finishing, and he took it without discussing it with me first. So as today stands i havent seen him for a week, he never texts or calls ( hes always been bad for this but even worse now) is it that hard to call me when finished 🤷‍♀️
Our son is missing him too, ive asked how long this job is on for and he said 6 months roughly, but he also said to me he wants me to be more supportive and understand his job and that he needs to enjoy the job hes doing so if thats the hours thats it. We dont live together but when he does stay he will put kids to bed and then go to sleep ! He says he still loves me and wants to be together but im struggling alot. We split for a year and he promised when we got back together we would be his priority but hes worse than ever. Hes a good man and ive had horrible relationships but i just dont feel loved! Does it get better ?

Being a police officer is a vocation. It takes more time and dedication than a run of the mill job. In the marriages/relationships of any cops I've known, the family takes second place.

You aren't living together. IMO that establishes a bit of a 'separation' (right or wrong) that might make someone feel that they no longer need to consult a 'partner', who may have been subconsciously downgraded a 'significant other'. You don't say why you separated for a year but it wouldn't surprise me if it was because in some way you felt he wasn't putting enough into the family.

He is who he is. Either accept him as he is or kick him to the kerb.

Police officers are notorious for having affairs with their fellow police officers.
You don't live together so he doesn't even have to make an effort to cover his arse.

And before I get jumped on I have a close family member who is ex police who saw it all (and was a guilty party themselves but fortunately was forgiven by an understanding spouse)

I can’t quite answer whether YABU or not as I think it’s somewhere in the middle from your post. My DP is also a police officer and it’s part of the package of having a police partner that they’re not home every evening, can’t predict when shifts will end, last minute overtime etc, and when they do get home they’re exhausted a lot of the time, might be sad/grumpy/affected by an upsetting case, so it’s not really about prioritising their job over you, it’s just how it is, it’s a ridiculously stressful and all consuming vocation. Having said that we don’t have children - it’s not clear whether you have children with him or whether your children are from previous relationships? - that’s a different level, and for me at the stage of planning a pregnancy, if we do that, then DP and I will need to renegotiate somewhat about how responsibility for childcare and parenting will be shared around our jobs (I have a similar full on vocation job too).

Why don’t you live together? I think that is the key thing that jumps out from your post. If you’re not at that level of commitment to actually share your whole lives together yet then you can’t really expect any kind of veto over his career choices. But on the other hand, if you are actually a couple with a shared child then it is odd that you’re not living together and planning together how you manage jobs, childcare and spending time together.

So is the issue actually that you want to be sharing your whole lives and he doesn’t?

@Lamentations

Are you working OP or stuck at home? Could that be colouring your view of his job?

No i work and am doing a college course, i also have horses so im always busy, im not sitting home waiting for him to return :)

@LemonViolet

I can’t quite answer whether YABU or not as I think it’s somewhere in the middle from your post. My DP is also a police officer and it’s part of the package of having a police partner that they’re not home every evening, can’t predict when shifts will end, last minute overtime etc, and when they do get home they’re exhausted a lot of the time, might be sad/grumpy/affected by an upsetting case, so it’s not really about prioritising their job over you, it’s just how it is, it’s a ridiculously stressful and all consuming vocation. Having said that we don’t have children - it’s not clear whether you have children with him or whether your children are from previous relationships? - that’s a different level, and for me at the stage of planning a pregnancy, if we do that, then DP and I will need to renegotiate somewhat about how responsibility for childcare and parenting will be shared around our jobs (I have a similar full on vocation job too).

Why don’t you live together? I think that is the key thing that jumps out from your post. If you’re not at that level of commitment to actually share your whole lives together yet then you can’t really expect any kind of veto over his career choices. But on the other hand, if you are actually a couple with a shared child then it is odd that you’re not living together and planning together how you manage jobs, childcare and spending time together.

So is the issue actually that you want to be sharing your whole lives and he doesn’t?

we used to live together then split and he bought his own house. we have been back together a few months so didn't want to jump back into living together right away. i understand the job my frustration was he had a job he enjoyed and even better it was 9-5 and he then decided to change that without talking about it first. my youngest is his child im ok with not living together whilst we work on things but i just dont get why he would choose to change jobs to something really unsociable which takes him away from me and the kids all we and why he cant be bothered to even make a simple phone call at the end of his shift and getting one message a day from someone who is supposed to love you just really isnt cutting it

@Slub

Police officers are notorious for having affairs with their fellow police officers. You don't live together so he doesn't even have to make an effort to cover his arse.

And before I get jumped on I have a close family member who is ex police who saw it all (and was a guilty party themselves but fortunately was forgiven by an understanding spouse)

i don't think he would be unfaithful at least i hope not !

It’s true that they are at the beck and call of the job. It’s not normal hours and it can be challenging to keep a relationship going. I was married to a copper for 21 years, together for 25. I’m a nurse and I understand the shifts and the flexibility. What I couldn’t deal with towards the end of our marriage was the way he shut down and packed up any emotions, a way of dealing with the job yes but hellish difficult when trying to negotiate conflict or life crises.. you need to be honest with him NOW OP because no matter how good a man (and my xH is still that) they learn to box up their lives very separately and before you know it the key is lost.
I hope that you are not(or he is not) at that stage yet - you won’t know unless you communicate your needs to him .. good luck xx

@BrilliantBetty

This is just silly. He chased you trying to get you back for a year and then never spends time with you. What's the point of that!

He just wanted to keep you hanging on, not going out there to live your own life. And what about the course you had wanted to do? Don't you have just as much right to do something for yourself.. he sounds selfish. (Unless he had to take this job for financial reasons to keep the family afloat)

ha well im asking my self that question! and i ask him too he doesn't really have an answer other than because i love you and our family

i did meet someone else in the year we were apart but nothing really serious and he is aware of that i always tell him the truth.
He said 'his job is more important and he didnt get a choice in going to this other job and in the same breath but obviously your course is important too' i then found out from him after that he did have a choice and chose to take it for the same money he gets now.
Im lucky my cousin is now helping out with the kids whilst i attend college (when not in lockdown)

It is possible to be in the police and manage to see your partner and family. Do you think all the mothers in the job are not seeing their kids for weeks at a time.? The issue is whether you can do a “sexy” job and also do that. The guys who do the sexy jobs have women at home who are picking up the slack on the childcare front. It isn’t essential to do those kinds of jobs... it might be for a while if you’re starting out and Detectives do work extremely long hours. There are different jobs though that are office hours Monday to Friday. Often these units are able to accommodate flexible working patterns ( like compressed hours) and part time working. He just doesn’t want to do one of those jobs. My DH and I have both compromised in our police careers to accommodate our childcare arrangements because we don’t have family help at all. It’s a shame but we chose to have a child. I’m surprised though about the “ no money” comment though because if they work lots of overtime they’re getting paid for it. The guys on my unit work away a lot and are the biggest earners in my organisation regularly earning over £100k.

He’s always going to be paid the same irrespective of the job he does. He might earn more money if he works more hours but the basic pay will be the same. In order to earn more he would need to be promoted.

@Divebar2021

It is possible to be in the police and manage to see your partner and family. Do you think all the mothers in the job are not seeing their kids for weeks at a time.? The issue is whether you can do a “sexy” job and also do that. The guys who do the sexy jobs have women at home who are picking up the slack on the childcare front. It isn’t essential to do those kinds of jobs... it might be for a while if you’re starting out and Detectives do work extremely long hours. There are different jobs though that are office hours Monday to Friday. Often these units are able to accommodate flexible working patterns ( like compressed hours) and part time working. He just doesn’t want to do one of those jobs. My DH and I have both compromised in our police careers to accommodate our childcare arrangements because we don’t have family help at all. It’s a shame but we chose to have a child. I’m surprised though about the “ no money” comment though because if they work lots of overtime they’re getting paid for it. The guys on my unit work away a lot and are the biggest earners in my organisation regularly earning over £100k.

yes this is what i dont quite get he says i have no choice, but i think then how do the mothers that are police officers manage it? he always tells me 'i get no choice i cant ask for things im a servant of the crown i do as they say'. and i know for some part this is true but sometimes i think he uses it as an excuses surely they cant be that strict to not understand you have kids and have to be home sometimes too

Do you ever wonder if he got back with you to stop you meeting someone else? Why did you split up in the first place? His actions are not those of someone committed.

@crocoonimper

It’s true that they are at the beck and call of the job. It’s not normal hours and it can be challenging to keep a relationship going. I was married to a copper for 21 years, together for 25. I’m a nurse and I understand the shifts and the flexibility. What I couldn’t deal with towards the end of our marriage was the way he shut down and packed up any emotions, a way of dealing with the job yes but hellish difficult when trying to negotiate conflict or life crises.. you need to be honest with him NOW OP because no matter how good a man (and my xH is still that) they learn to box up their lives very separately and before you know it the key is lost. I hope that you are not(or he is not) at that stage yet - you won’t know unless you communicate your needs to him .. good luck xx

That's what i'm doing my nursing course, you guys are amazing ! :) and i get that when your a nurse your as mad busy and as important as they are at work. yes hes very like that he says a lot of the time when i come home from work i don't want to talk after what iv'e seen today etc and i feel shut out, and ive missed him all day i want to chat to an adult not a child ha (i work in a school) and then he decides hes tired he wants to go to bed :( xx

Stop being a mug. I'm so sorry but he is taking advantage. A CMS will will pull him up short.

@Inaseagull

Do you ever wonder if he got back with you to stop you meeting someone else? Why did you split up in the first place? His actions are not those of someone committed.

possibly, i feel that way sometimes but hes so laid back i wouldn't think he would think that way! he wasn't making an effort so we split i met someone else; then he told me how great he would be he would think of us more etc we got back together and none of it happened , this was over the course of a year too so i would hope it wasn't just initial jealousy, but now i'm not sure

@Fedup121

He may well be on a unit where they work all hours and as such he may not have a choice. The issue is that he will probably have applied for that job knowing what the culture of that unit is.

Sounds to me that once he thought he'd got you back he went straight back to his old ways.
You'll always be second fiddle.

Well, of course he loves his child. He can afford to be a great dad, if he just swans in and out. What he lacks is dedication or commitment. It's as though your child is on full livery. He gets to pop by once a week, but doesn't have to worry about shovelling the shit. You're clearly not his priority and neither is his child. You say that you live 30 miles apart?! Why, even if you split, didn't he chose to live closer to you and your child?

Yep I would never ever date an officer ever again, they are notorious for affairs or dating other officers. I’ve dated 2 officers and both cheated on me with fellow officers. Police love their job it becomes their whole life and most bring it home with them. No chance would I go there again.

Good luck with your course OP!
We have been divorced since October - we have 18 year old twins and a 14 year old, he loves those kids to the ends of the earth but he is STILL working stupid hours when they are not with him. When I ask him what he has been doing . 99% of the time it’s “ I’m working on 3 murders/kidnappings/whatever’s “ as if it’s a massive stress but.. it’s all he’s got now. He had the best lol. He’s not the man I married and the job is def part of that.
Really hope that your DP is not at that stage but as someone just said, they know what they are getting into when they take on extra jobs - basic pay doesn’t change so the motivation is in that role. If it’s more important than you then that’s a big hurdle. Hope it’s not- you seem
Pretty organised and independent - focus on you. If he doesn’t notice that and step up then he’s lost something really good hasn’t he? Life’s too short - I lost 3 patients this month - don’t wait for him x

Oh gosh. Release yourself from this existence and find someone who is around.

@Hugoslavia

Well, of course he loves his child. He can afford to be a great dad, if he just swans in and out. What he lacks is dedication or commitment. It's as though your child is on full livery. He gets to pop by once a week, but doesn't have to worry about shovelling the shit. You're clearly not his priority and neither is his child. You say that you live 30 miles apart?! Why, even if you split, didn't he chose to live closer to you and your child?

yes you are right im not even being paid full livery prices ;) well because his work is a further 15-20 miles from where he lives now (50 ish miles from me )and he has been there since he started years ago. I would have to move closer to him as he wouldn't leave the station he works from now but i dont really want to give up my support network for a man who his never home i refuse to move

im ok with not living together whilst we work on things

Are the two of you working on things? Or is it just you putting up with the same old shit from him again?

How many of his promises has he honoured so far?

Also, how are you defining 'great dad' here?

@crocoonimper

Good luck with your course OP! We have been divorced since October - we have 18 year old twins and a 14 year old, he loves those kids to the ends of the earth but he is STILL working stupid hours when they are not with him. When I ask him what he has been doing . 99% of the time it’s “ I’m working on 3 murders/kidnappings/whatever’s “ as if it’s a massive stress but.. it’s all he’s got now. He had the best lol. He’s not the man I married and the job is def part of that. Really hope that your DP is not at that stage but as someone just said, they know what they are getting into when they take on extra jobs - basic pay doesn’t change so the motivation is in that role. If it’s more important than you then that’s a big hurdle. Hope it’s not- you seem Pretty organised and independent - focus on you. If he doesn’t notice that and step up then he’s lost something really good hasn’t he? Life’s too short - I lost 3 patients this month - don’t wait for him x

your so right, sorry to hear about your patients its a hard job :(

well exactly, i wonder if your ex and my partner when they get old and retire will think loosing their family was worth the job. The job doesn't care about them but we do i think they forget that sometimes.
i'm not even sure he will notice if i decide to leave lol.
Thank-you for your kind words xx