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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

“And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid”

104 replies

Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:25

Firstly I have to warn you that this is massively indulgent. But I need someone to tell me what actually is happening here.

I’m mid fifties, widowed, comfortably off, with teen children. In my twenties I was with a man for 5 years. We were deeply in love but my parents didn’t really approve, he was younger than me and with hindsight needed a bit more time, and I was swept off my feet by an older man, who ultimately dumped me. Fast forward and we both married and had children. We don’t live near each other, I haven’t seen him in person for years, but we have always stayed in touch.

He has a wife. She is very unwell, and is not well enough to be cared for at home. She was very sadly brain injured in an accident some years ago. He is not disloyal but is clear that their marriage as it was, is over.

We message every day, sometimes a few times a day. It’s just what we are doing, how the families are, did you see XYZ on the news. Bit of flirting, no more than that. I have several times given him the option not to reply if he doesn’t want to, or has too much on his plate, but he always does.

So we have these chatty little conversations and I want to say “I love you. I always have. I don’t expect anything from you, you’re not in a position to do anything and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t say it.” And then I think “he probably knows anyway.”

In all other ways I am eminently sensible. What on earth is going on here?

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 00:27

You need to walk away. You really do.

Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:28

Because of his wife?

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 00:30

Yes. He's married. His marriage is not over. He's married.

homebase123 · 08/02/2021 00:34

If I were severely brain damaged to the point that I had to be placed in special care with no chance of recovery then I would want DP to move on with his life. You should tell him how you feel.

Fabpinky · 08/02/2021 00:34

It’s very sad that his wife is brain injured. I take it there is no chance of her making a recovery? In which case, without meaning to sound crude and horrible, why doesn’t he get to move on? Is he supposed to never be happy again?

Say it if you’re not embarrassed for a reply that doesn’t suit you.

Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:34

He’s very clear that he’s stuck and he can’t possibly leave/divorce her. It’s so sad, for everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:36

No, she won’t recover. But isn’t terminally ill either.

OP posts:
Teapotsandtablecloths · 08/02/2021 00:36

Personally, i think you should try to find out specifically how he views his current relationship. Are they only legally married due to her disability etc. If they are choosing to remain married, you need to back away. Don't be a homewrecker, regardless of the wife's condition.

homebase123 · 08/02/2021 00:39

Is he open to dating though, or is he saying that he will remain celibate until she dies?

Fabpinky · 08/02/2021 00:41

I think you need to find out more how he views his current relationship just like previous poster said, and then reassess from there.

If he makes it clear he isn’t ready to move on you need to decide if he is special enough to keep as just a friend, or cut contact if you won’t be happy with just that.

Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:42

He’s said repeatedly that he would leave if he could but he can’t. And that wasn’t in the context of leave “for someone else”, it was just that if there was a way through then he would. He sounds weighed down with it all.

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 08/02/2021 00:43

You have to stop - no matter how old his DCs, they’ve effectively lost their mum, they can’t see their dad have his head turned, you’ll devastate them. Sadly if she has a brain injury she may not have a long life. I believe you will be together if it’s meant to be. Don’t confuse him in a crisis- he may dump you

Fabpinky · 08/02/2021 00:49

But she said it was years ago. If their mum had died, he would be able to move on a few years later wouldn’t he?

Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:50

That’s the thing - I don’t want to do anything that might make him uncomfortable. I’ve asked how his wife is, and he rarely replies about her, i think through loyalty, which is of course fine.

Ok so I need to gently probe - it’s all a moot point anyway with covid. And be ready to step back at the very first sign of impropriety.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 00:54

Fabpinky the accident was about 10 years ago and she was expected to recover but then has had a series of strokes. The prognosis hasn’t always been clear, but things are getting worse with no prospect now of improving to any significant degree.

OP posts:
rawalpindithelabrador · 08/02/2021 00:56

Honestly, you're going to get hurt here. It's not meant to be. What's for you won't go past you. You need to protect yourself here. You deserve someone who's free. It's very sad but it is what it is.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 01:01

If he doesn't talk about his wife then he clearly sees you as a romantic interest but feels guilty about it. If he felt in a position to date you then he would.

The way I can see this going is:

You declare your love, he shacks up with you, something happens to make him feel guilty e.g she dies, his kids get mad, etc, he blames you and dumps you.

If I were you, I would pull away and try to speak to a few other people and just see what he does. Honestly, he knows that you're an option, you don't need to spell it out.

Original poster
Nancyandfrank · 08/02/2021 01:06

Yvanka what you’ve said feels very accurate for me. Thankyou. He knows. He’s not stupid. And I do wonder if he’s keeping an iron in the fire for if the worst happens with his wife.

OP posts:
Jamboree01 · 08/02/2021 01:06

@rawalpindithelabrador

Yes. He's married. His marriage is not over. He's married.
Walk away. ‘The first step of impropriety’? Sorry but it seems as if you are the one who wants more than he is able, or willing, to offer. If he genuinely believed all that you have said here, he would have spoken to his children about you. In fact, he would have said it to you? I don’t think he has? Has he?

Don’t be the other woman. As that is how you will be viewed if you walk into this situation. His wife is still alive but not living (according to what he has told you)- there is a time when people have to put respect for another person above their own wants.

DarcyJack · 08/02/2021 01:14

I don't think you have to walk away. My aunt became disabled - early onset dementia and no one wanted my uncle to spend the rest of his life alone. Certainly not his adult children. But of course he could never divorce my aunt. He was her best advocate. He visited most days in the care home where she lived for probably 6-8 years. He supported her financially and he could never leave her to the mercies of social services and rightly so. But he had a lady friend, who everyone knew about. She came to family events, we all knew her. When aunt died they married and everyone was very happy for them.

LudoTrouble · 08/02/2021 01:16

@DarcyJack That sounds very mature and understanding from all parties.. did your uncle have children that were also supportive?

Jamboree01 · 08/02/2021 01:21

@DarcyJack

I don't think you have to walk away. My aunt became disabled - early onset dementia and no one wanted my uncle to spend the rest of his life alone. Certainly not his adult children. But of course he could never divorce my aunt. He was her best advocate. He visited most days in the care home where she lived for probably 6-8 years. He supported her financially and he could never leave her to the mercies of social services and rightly so. But he had a lady friend, who everyone knew about. She came to family events, we all knew her. When aunt died they married and everyone was very happy for them.
I fully respect that. Fully.

The man OP is talking about doesn’t appear to have had this discussion with OP? Let alone his family.

justjaffas · 08/02/2021 01:22

Definitely don't tell him, you'd be forcing his hand and he would either pull away completely or enter a relationship with you that he isn't ready for and then resent you for pressuring him.

Happyd · 08/02/2021 01:31

Your going to get hurt OP , he stays with her you love him but your alone and wanting him and not giving anyone else a chance .. he comes to you , your the women he left/ had an affair with while he's wife was a brain injured ill women .. who wants to be that women .. your feel guilty forever ..get on with your life tell him you need no contact you can't be part of this for your own sanity

DahliaRoses · 08/02/2021 01:39

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