“And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid”

[Nancyandfrank]

Firstly I have to warn you that this is massively indulgent. But I need someone to tell me what actually is happening here.

I’m mid fifties, widowed, comfortably off, with teen children. In my twenties I was with a man for 5 years. We were deeply in love but my parents didn’t really approve, he was younger than me and with hindsight needed a bit more time, and I was swept off my feet by an older man, who ultimately dumped me. Fast forward and we both married and had children. We don’t live near each other, I haven’t seen him in person for years, but we have always stayed in touch.

He has a wife. She is very unwell, and is not well enough to be cared for at home. She was very sadly brain injured in an accident some years ago. He is not disloyal but is clear that their marriage as it was, is over.

We message every day, sometimes a few times a day. It’s just what we are doing, how the families are, did you see XYZ on the news. Bit of flirting, no more than that. I have several times given him the option not to reply if he doesn’t want to, or has too much on his plate, but he always does.

So we have these chatty little conversations and I want to say “I love you. I always have. I don’t expect anything from you, you’re not in a position to do anything and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t say it.” And then I think “he probably knows anyway.”

In all other ways I am eminently sensible. What on earth is going on here?

If I were severely brain damaged to the point that I had to be placed in special care with no chance of recovery then I would want DP to move on with his life. You should tell him how you feel

It's not something we ever think will happen to us though. Death yes, but a living death? No.

Perhaps we should be having that serious discussion with our partners and importantly also our children so they can know our wishes now instead of leaving them to suffer with the guilt or stay lonely for years on end if it ever happens.

You can’t really judge if the chemistry is there over zoom or text messages etc.

I think enjoy the chats and friendship for now and when we can start going out again then meet up a few times and then see what feelings come to the surface for both of you.
At this point in time I don’t think declaring love for someone who might not be feeling the same (or even might be) is the way forward. At worse you could end up losing a nice friendship.

@FuriousWithTheNHS

If I were severely brain damaged to the point that I had to be placed in special care with no chance of recovery then I would want DP to move on with his life. You should tell him how you feel

It's not something we ever think will happen to us though. Death yes, but a living death? No.

Perhaps we should be having that serious discussion with our partners and importantly also our children so they can know our wishes now instead of leaving them to suffer with the guilt or stay lonely for years on end if it ever happens.

My exh would not have wanted to have this discussion - he would simply refuse to talk about that kind of thing as he felt it was bad luck! I guess I would have to have written a letter instead, to be read in the event. My current partner would go out and find himself a new mate, and knows that I am just as pragmatic as him and would wish him all the best.

@MMmomDD

Not sure why people are telling you to step back. Or why they expect him to be celibate until his wife dies. Life isn’t black and white. And most of us - if we were in a situation like this wouldn’t want our partners to bury themselves if we were incapacitated with brain injury and confided to a hospital facility. This isn’t what love is about.

Of course he can’t divorce her. So what?
You are mid-fifties, comfortable and with grown up kids. Do you really need another marriage? Why can’t you be in a relationship with him - if the two of you wanted to be together?

I think life these days is so difficult and isolated for many people. Why make it even more so by bringing in unnecessary drama right now.

You are more in a supportive friendly zone at the moment. I think part of what you are feeling is due to loneliness and memories of younger days. You won’t know if you have actual feelings for the real grown up him until you meet in person and spend time together.
So - based on this - I’d stop fantasising or reminiscing about the past in your head.
It does seem that you made him into ‘the one who got away because he wasn’t ready’ - and ‘the one I was meant to be with’.
Just let this relationship develop naturally.

He does get to move on. He needs to do it on his own terms. No need to rush it. And it’s not that possible now in lockdown anyway.

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