“And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid”

[Nancyandfrank]

Firstly I have to warn you that this is massively indulgent. But I need someone to tell me what actually is happening here.

I’m mid fifties, widowed, comfortably off, with teen children. In my twenties I was with a man for 5 years. We were deeply in love but my parents didn’t really approve, he was younger than me and with hindsight needed a bit more time, and I was swept off my feet by an older man, who ultimately dumped me. Fast forward and we both married and had children. We don’t live near each other, I haven’t seen him in person for years, but we have always stayed in touch.

He has a wife. She is very unwell, and is not well enough to be cared for at home. She was very sadly brain injured in an accident some years ago. He is not disloyal but is clear that their marriage as it was, is over.

We message every day, sometimes a few times a day. It’s just what we are doing, how the families are, did you see XYZ on the news. Bit of flirting, no more than that. I have several times given him the option not to reply if he doesn’t want to, or has too much on his plate, but he always does.

So we have these chatty little conversations and I want to say “I love you. I always have. I don’t expect anything from you, you’re not in a position to do anything and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But I feel like I’ll burst if I don’t say it.” And then I think “he probably knows anyway.”

In all other ways I am eminently sensible. What on earth is going on here?

He's just using you - it's an emotional affair that gives him all the support he needs without being the bad guy.

Back off gradually so he doesn't see it as a tactic, but see if he cares enough to chase you.

And DON'T tell him you love him!

I don't think anyone can judge that he's using you based on this very limited information he could well be madly in love with you, doesn't really matter as for whatever reason he has no intention of pursuing it right now. Get on with your life, stay friends and see what happens - when he is ready and interested he will let you know.

So she's now living in a care facility and will for the rest of her life? The marriage in the day to day sense has dissolved as she's so unwell?

Honestly in those circumstances I wouldn't want my husband to spend the next 50 years alone. I certainly don't think I could begrudge him an emotional affair where he continued to meet my needs and his children's needs.

The question op is, is this enough? Are you ok, even if you say I love you, even if he says it back, with this long distance relationship? Or do you want more? Do you want more now it once the kids are all grown up and it's easier to understand why Dad has moved on emotionally?

If you tell him, you fundamentally shift the relationship, regardless of his answer.

Lastly I suppose the cynical question is are you absolutely sure the situation is as he says?

@DahliaRoses

This poor woman is going through all that and you’re messaging her husband.

You’re having an emotional affair whether you see it that way or not. Both you and him are terrible and frankly, cruel.

You should be ashamed of yourself as you’re borderline the other woman. His poor wife.

Oh give over with the dramatics.

The wife is gone in spirit. This isn't an affair behind her back.

I'd still be inclined to take it slowly until he feels more ready to say something.

I'd tread cautiously. I had a friend in a very similar situation, after a long period of time of chatting to him ( not romantically in any way, and certainly not even remotely on EA levels. He sort of disappeared off the radar quite suddenly one day... She found out from his daughter one day bumping into her in Sainsbury's shopping he'd been talking to and carrying on with another woman for about 8 of the 10yrs his wife had been in the home.
I think if he saw any romantic future with you he'd have broached it by now, especially after 10 yrs of being ill.
The fact he discusses very little about her means there's not in him wanting to elaborate on that side of his life. It could be because he's devoted to her, or he feels by not discussing it he keeps that side of his life locked down to avoid the guilt, if he's moved on or considering that.
He also has his kids feelings to consider.
Just protect yourself if you choose to proceed, being hurt would be horrible for you.

Wait until lockdown eases and suggest you meet for coffee, a walk. You'll get a better sense of how you both feel when you meet in person.

Yeah. The coffee or walk when lo lockdown eases.

Sorry OP but I think you need a reality check - and check out his reality as well.

As someone else said, get more information about this situation, he could be telling you porkies.

There is a very sad Louis Theroux episode about a family like this. The wife was brain injured ina horse riding accident and is very childlike and cerebrally not the woman she was. The husband tries to keep things going in the house but it just doesn't work

In the end the wife lives on her own with support from the husband and he gets a new partner.

It's a very strange and sad situation to be in.

I would only get involved if the marriage was officially over, he needs to make the decision to end it as sad as it is, it's not fair on you to look like the ow to his friends and family. People around him wouldn't expect him not to move on at some point, has she been in a care home/hospital for some time?

I need to give myself a very good talking to.

Thankyou all so much for your views.

This is a hard situation for everyone involved.

I can totally see how this could happen under the circumstances.

To be honest OP at this point I’d probably take a subtle step back, not dropping contact or anything but perhaps for your own sanity to just reduce contact until you feel more level headed about it.

He may well love you back, he may well wish he could pursue a future with you but it’s going to be a very difficult and complex set of emotions for him.

There’s not to say something might not come of it in the future but given the circumstances it probably isn’t going to be the best way to approach it to blurt it all out in a storm of emotion.

Take a step back, try to apply some perspective and take stock.

Perhaps you will have to tell him how you feel but itd be no doubt better for all to do it in a more rational and controlled way when the time is right.

This is so sad. His poor wife.

Op, I don’t actually think you are doing anything wrong, even telling him your feelings. But I do think there is potential to be deeply hurt here.

Best case scenario, you become romantically involved, see each other a few times a week but he stays with wife also. I think any understanding and patience you have in the beginning will lessen when the situation starts to limit your life and choices also.

I absolutely agree he should stay married to his wife, it is not her fault she is in this position, he made a promise r to stick with her but I also think he should be able to find happiness for himself too, including romance.

Not sure why people are telling you to step back. Or why they expect him to be celibate until his wife dies.
Life isn’t black and white. And most of us - if we were in a situation like this wouldn’t want our partners to bury themselves if we were incapacitated with brain injury and confided to a hospital facility. This isn’t what love is about.

Of course he can’t divorce her. So what?
You are mid-fifties, comfortable and with grown up kids. Do you really need another marriage? Why can’t you be in a relationship with him - if the two of you wanted to be together?

I think life these days is so difficult and isolated for many people. Why make it even more so by bringing in unnecessary drama right now.

You are more in a supportive friendly zone at the moment. I think part of what you are feeling is due to loneliness and memories of younger days. You won’t know if you have actual feelings for the real grown up him until you meet in person and spend time together.
So - based on this - I’d stop fantasising or reminiscing about the past in your head.
It does seem that you made him into ‘the one who got away because he wasn’t ready’ - and ‘the one I was meant to be with’.
Just let this relationship develop naturally.

He does get to move on. He needs to do it on his own terms. No need to rush it. And it’s not that possible now in lockdown anyway.

That sounds a very difficult relationship indeed. If you tell him how you feel, then what? There's no way he could pursue this right now. Jumping forwards to if/when his wife worsens or dies, he will know that he overstepped by telling another woman that he loved her and any relationship you could have will be tainted.

I've known women be the backbone, be the support to men they've deeply cared for waiting for their 'reward' of a relationship afterwards, only for the man they believed was a 'partner', who wanted it also, does move on - but not with them. These were not OW but the outcome was very similar as for many.

My advice to you would be to consider what you want. If you are happy to tell him that you love him and be ok with him not telling you the same, then I won't believe you but go ahead. It's crossing a line though because he's not free to love you and he knows it. If you and he had met when there was a more defined and accepted end to his marriage, then that's different but this isn't the situation now.

What are you getting out of this relationship? For you, not him? He gets it all, the props of marriage and a loving friend to bolster him. What about you?

I think you have a bad case of limerance, and need a bit of a reality check. You want to declare your love to a person you have not actually met in how many years? That's not rational, and way too early and flimsily based. What you likely are is caught up in a whirlwind of excitement, combined with meeting restrictions which make it all the more exciting. Life is much more dull at the moment, so anything interesting that happens in life becomes accentuated.
I think it would be a big mistake to declare love at this stage. After physically meeting, dating for a while, spending time together with each others friends and family, then you have enough to go off to consider if it's love. At the moment, you are just looking at him in isolation, but you both come as packages with family and friends around, and in his case a wife too.
It could work on some level, if you are happy with your current life setup, aren't looking to live with anyone or marry again, there's a lot to be said for keeping your independence whilst dating, especially when to mix brings financial complications, so to stay separate is simpler.
If you reach a point where everyone accepts the relationship and it's going well between you, fine, declare love by all means, but right now sounds overexcited, and a little unhinged and desperate tbh.

but right now sounds overexcited, and a little unhinged and desperate tbh.

Ouch. But Thankyou.

There's quite a lot to unpick here. The first question, somewhat cynically on my part is, are you 100% sure you're being told the truth? Assuming you are, my next question would be how old are his children and exactly how ill is his wife? Eg, is she mentally fairly aware but physically unable to do things? Or is she completely a different person/mentally impaired now? Similarly, how much support do his children still actively need in terms of their day to day lives and managing their feelings over what has happened to their mother? Because these things all will impact whether he's at a stage to consider a new/additional relationship.

Finally, the reality is that it's Covid. So even if he does want to see you/meet up, it's not an option right now. So what is the point of pushing things?

DH has a good friend whose mother was in a home with early onset dementia by the time they were at university. Subsequently, his dad did meet and develop a relationship with another woman but there is no doubt that if he'd done so in the earlier days, when his children were still reeling from the reality of what was happening with their mother, they would have been a lot less supportive.

He’s just not available for you no matter throw sad the circumstances. Based on their relationship, shared history, couple dynamic he has said he can’t leave...so that’s it. He can’t.

I wouldn’t want to be the woman that persuaded him away.

You are both adults. It seems that your feelings might be mutual, I would talk to him, even if its just to discuss these feelings and clarify the situation for you both. If he admits to feeling the same but can’t enter a relationship because of his commitment to his marriage, even in its diminished state, you will at least know.

*how sad

Personally with Covid I would keep the lines of communication open. At the moment there isn’t a thing anyone can do even if they wanted to.

I think until you meet up in person and start seeing each other as friends and maybe then it will grow into something else or maybe it won’t.
I would take it very very slowly and enjoy the journey.
Even if it doesn’t go anywhere you have a good friend.
No one knows what the future holds.

I know it sounds shocking but it sounds like his wife is never going to get any better. If the injury had been to her body rather than her brain then things would be different but it sounds like his wife, the person she was is no longer there.

Even if his wife was in a complete vegetative state and not expected to live, for me, any move would have to come from him.
(I'd also want definite proof that the wife really was in care!)

OP you need to have a good talk with him. Don't give up on something which could be great for both of you. Just communicate with him about it. If he won't or can't be open or honest, at least you will know he isn't ready. But don't step back without even being sure of where you stand!

I would be honest with him about your feelings OP. However if you do decide to start seeing one another, I expect in time you will become frustrated with having to be second place to his poorly wife and all that brings.