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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH always feeling ill

86 replies

Lovingmylife · 07/02/2021 14:52

For what feels like ages now, most definitely years, DH gets to a Friday and almost without fail feels ill and then spends most of the weekend tired, exhausted and leaving me to deal with the DC.

Last year before lockdown I got him to Dr as thought he was depressed as angry alot, losing his temper and not wanting to engage. He was signed off work for a couple of weeks and then went back as normal. Dr says depression. He is now on antidepressants and they've made a difference. My problem is the weekends. They are almost always ruined in someway or stressful because he doesn't feel well. He either comes down stairs and constantly tells me how sick he feels or that I'm not asking how he is enough, or he stays upstairs and does nothing except watch videos etc. During the summer when the weather was better, of we went out he would walk at snails pace like he needed a Zimmerframe and I'd often have to leave him on a bench and go off with DC and come back for him later. When I ask him to have the kids for an hour or so he just says he doesn't want to or doesn't feel up to it. I've asked him to go back to the Dr multiple times. He has refused counselling. Refused couples counseling as we end up bickering alot, even though I have said it's about helping us communicate, not about separating.

I don't know what to do to help him or get him to help himself. It's been going on so long now that I'm losing sympathy when I can almost time like clockwork that having been fine all week, that Friday afternoon or Saturday he feels unwell.

OP posts:
Toomanycats99 · 07/02/2021 14:55

My ex was like this - complete hypochondriac. Also suffered depression. If it's weekends is it to get out of household stuff? How is he during week when he has to go to work?

Blanca87 · 07/02/2021 14:55

What is the point of him? You are already operating as a single parent, he sounds soooo draining you would be as well leaving him to it.

AIMD · 07/02/2021 14:56

He either has and underlying health issue (physical or mental) in which case he needs to be proactive in going to the dr or he’s using “I’m ill” as a way to get out of parenting.

Either way him doing nothing isn’t ok either for himself you or the kids (who must notice that one parent doesn’t do anything with or for them).

So is he fine all well long mon-fri?

ufucoffee · 07/02/2021 14:59

The next time he says it completely ignore him. Don't respond. On Saturday take yourself off for a 3 hour walk (or sit in your car with a book and a coffee from a drive through). See what happens.

Lovingmylife · 07/02/2021 15:02

Yeah he is mostly fine during the week. Tired but aren't we all. Then the weekend comes and crash he doesn't feel well. He saw the GP ages ago for some blood tests as I said it doesn't seem normal but they all came back fine. Then he was diagnosed with depression last year although I think has been depressed alot longer. He works really hard in his job but not really long hours and not as hard as he used to when he travelled alot. At first I thought burnout and exhaustion from lots of work travel but it's been going on such a long time. I'm really worried about him but he doesn't seem to be able to help himself so will insist on another gp appointment for more bloods or antidepressants need reviewing. Some of it may be pandemic fatigue. I don't know.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 07/02/2021 15:02

Get yourself a job that involves you working at the weekend and having a couple of days off in the week. He might still be tired at the weekend, but you won't have to deal with it.
I know that sounds callous, but my DH was similar. DC are now adult, we rub along fine most of the time, but I still get annoyed when I think about how I had to do everything because he was always tired/depressed. In particular I recall being 7-8 months pregnant with DC2, dragging myself home being desperate to rest after a day at work, and he would come in and just go to sleep leaving me to deal with DC1 ( who'd been at a childminders all day, not like he had to look after him during the day or anything).
So I would say, he may be ill or depressed, but that doesn't absolve him from responsibility towards his family, or give him the right to ruin your weekends or trips out. The fact that he won't go back to the doctor, and refuses to look after the DC for even an hour or so because he doesn't want to is just shit for you. It does sound typical depression, but he needs to show he's trying to get help, not just leaving you to do everything.

Lovingmylife · 07/02/2021 15:03

I suppose the depression will stop him feeling motivated to do anything Sad

OP posts:
year5teacher · 07/02/2021 15:03

He’s probably depressed but ultimately - that’s not your problem and he sounds totally selfish. I mean for fucks sake, he’s trying to get out of doing anything by hiding away upstairs, or by actively spoiling things (deliberately walking really slowly).

What do you say when he says he “doesn’t want to” have the kids for an hour? And why is it anything but “tough shit”?

year5teacher · 07/02/2021 15:04

@Lovingmylife

I suppose the depression will stop him feeling motivated to do anything Sad
It’s not an excuse, he’s treating you like shit.

Also even if it’s an explanation it’s still not something you need to put up with.

Bubbles1st · 07/02/2021 15:07

Is he busy and stressed during the week? Enjoys his job?

He could be upper limiting. A lot of people get this when everything is good and gone well and then first opportunity you get to be brought back down to earth you do so with a bump.

I usually get the his first example just before a holiday. Work hard, stress and plan the time away, get really happy and excited about going and boom.... sick just before leaving as things were getting to good.

If he takes time off what happens? Is it only following a week in work?

snowliving · 07/02/2021 15:09

My DH has had a couple of periods of depression since dc were born.
He didn't use it as an excuse to duck out of all childcare.
He went to the GP, got medication and arranged a therapist and went to therapy.

The way your DH is behaving isn't ok. He can't help the depression but he needs to address it.
Living with someone having a depressive episode is hard but I wouldn't find possible to live with someone behaving the way your DH is.

Alonelonelyloner · 07/02/2021 15:09

I second the get a weekend job suggestion. It worked miracles for me. I'd work at the weekend and then get for a swim or the gym during the week and it felt balanced as he was 'having to do' weekends instead of me doing every damn thing, always.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 15:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The fact that he has refused counselling (no great surprise there if he is an abuser) and has seemingly also refused to return to the GP are going against him here.

What do your family/friends think of him?. Does he get along ok with his parents?. More importantly what are your children going to remember about their own childhoods here?. He seemingly cannot even be bothered to care for his children for 1 hour particularly if you're asking him to do this. What is he like to his children on weekdays?.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. Your H here is using his depressed state over the weekend (he seems fine during the weekend, is he at work during the week?) to beat you over the head with because he cannot or will not be bothered about family life. Does he blame you for his depression and or his inherent ills?.

Mumof1andacat · 07/02/2021 15:12

Seems like an excuse not to be part of family life.

ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 07/02/2021 15:14

Some of these replies are so harsh. He needs to go back to the GP and push to get to the bottom of this. I bet my bottom dollar hes really unhappy living like this too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 15:18

OP in her initial post stated that she has asked him to go back to the Dr multiple times. He has refused counselling. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink.

RUOKHon · 07/02/2021 15:23

When do you get a break? What would happen if you were ill or broke your leg and had to be in traction for a month, for example? Would he step up then do you think?

It reads like he is conveniently ill whenever he might have to do some actual parenting of his own children or contribute to family life. I would have lost all respect for him by now. If he’s genuinely ill then he needs to seek help and get treatment. Ditto if he’s depressed. So that he can be a functional member of your team.

Otherwise, really, what is the point of him?

If you split and he got EOW with the DCs, do you think he’d be ill on his weekends?

Butterymuffin · 07/02/2021 15:29

@RUOKHon

When do you get a break? What would happen if you were ill or broke your leg and had to be in traction for a month, for example? Would he step up then do you think?

It reads like he is conveniently ill whenever he might have to do some actual parenting of his own children or contribute to family life. I would have lost all respect for him by now. If he’s genuinely ill then he needs to seek help and get treatment. Ditto if he’s depressed. So that he can be a functional member of your team.

Otherwise, really, what is the point of him?

If you split and he got EOW with the DCs, do you think he’d be ill on his weekends?

This. Ask him what would happen if you were hospitalised.
WhatKatyDidNxt · 07/02/2021 15:30

Yep it sounds like he’s trying to avoid family life and leave everything to you. We all have been on the receiving end of waiting to relax and enjoy but then being ill for the weekend or holiday etc. But every weekend? Nah, l call bullshit on that

Triffid1 · 07/02/2021 15:32

I think this man has done a real number on you. It amazes me that he basically says, "F* you" to you and the DC every weekend and he's got you worried about him and his health.

Selective illness.

Bollocks to that. He's not interested in being a supportive partner or having a relationship with his DC. He's a prick.

RUOKHon · 07/02/2021 15:37

he basically says, "F you" to you and the DC every weekend and he's got you worried about him and his health

Yes. Exactly.

solicitoring · 07/02/2021 15:38

My husband is similar. Always tired. Sleeps all the fucking time. Always chooses the easiest option when it comes to looking after the kids. If I'm out he rushes them off to bed with no story or bath. No issue with going out with his mates or staying up half the night watching a movie. Currently he apparently has a bad back. He had a hangover recently and told me he thought he had covid. Ffs.

He does more than your husband though and will take the kids out on his own during the day - he just doesn't do anything with them in the house (as he's asleep generally) which is fucking exhausting during lockdown.

I have no answer but wanted to show some solidarity.

Thatwentbadly · 07/02/2021 15:38

My husband used to crash out with tiredness at the weekend. He has a life long condition and fatigue a symptom. I told him that it was not on and he needed to start going to bed earlier during the week. He mostly does and rarely crashes out at the weekend.

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 15:41

How convenient for him.

He ducks out of family life.

Do you work outside the home?

I can't imagine what such a selfish misery brings to your life.

Poor children and poor you, carrying the load.

If you can do it, it's time to get rid.
Flowers

Lovingmylife · 07/02/2021 15:43

To be fair to him he does look after them when at home, he just doesn't want to take them out to the park etc. Though will do very occasionally. He used to take them out all the time and does enjoy time with them/us so I think it is depression but he does need to do more now to help himself

OP posts:
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