DH always feeling ill

[Lovingmylife]

For what feels like ages now, most definitely years, DH gets to a Friday and almost without fail feels ill and then spends most of the weekend tired, exhausted and leaving me to deal with the DC.

Last year before lockdown I got him to Dr as thought he was depressed as angry alot, losing his temper and not wanting to engage. He was signed off work for a couple of weeks and then went back as normal. Dr says depression. He is now on antidepressants and they've made a difference. My problem is the weekends. They are almost always ruined in someway or stressful because he doesn't feel well. He either comes down stairs and constantly tells me how sick he feels or that I'm not asking how he is enough, or he stays upstairs and does nothing except watch videos etc. During the summer when the weather was better, of we went out he would walk at snails pace like he needed a Zimmerframe and I'd often have to leave him on a bench and go off with DC and come back for him later. When I ask him to have the kids for an hour or so he just says he doesn't want to or doesn't feel up to it. I've asked him to go back to the Dr multiple times. He has refused counselling. Refused couples counseling as we end up bickering alot, even though I have said it's about helping us communicate, not about separating.

I don't know what to do to help him or get him to help himself. It's been going on so long now that I'm losing sympathy when I can almost time like clockwork that having been fine all week, that Friday afternoon or Saturday he feels unwell.

He’s taking the piss!

So fine all week then ill at weekend yes he has depression but it surely can't just flare up every weekend. Sounds like he is using it as an excuse to get out of family life.

Mumsnet is so harsh! This man clearly suffers from a real condition, probably some kind of allergy to playing with children and doing his share of housework.

You are being taken for a ride OP & it sounds like you’ve bought what he is selling.

It’s too much of a coincidence if he feels sick every weekend. When do you get time to take to bed & watch movies?

I would tell him you don’t ask how he is enough because you’re suffering from Carter’s fatigue pandering to him constantly & you feel drained. Ask him how he would feel if you conveniently fell ill every single weekend & left him to do all the grafting ?

My husband was like this. Was a slow check out from family life. Was finding everything very overwhelming and was leaving more and more to me.

Was needing his own time to find himself and things that make him happy.

The children and I got on with daily life and found our routine. He carried on ignoring my pleas to go speak to someone and get help from the GP to find out what was wrong as nothing was making him happy.

He moved out nearly 2 years ago. At first was happier but still angry with me and blamed me for how he was feeling which he'd done prior to leaving.

He now says that he's missed out and gets upset about that. The children just stopped looking to him and just came to me.

Your situation sounds very similar. There is nothing you can do that you haven't already tried. You can support him to get help and treatment but you can't force him.

You need to leave that door open but you need to put you as your priority and your children's health too.

Depression that only happens at the weekend ?? Naaah.

Hmmm, I was basically your DH , except for the opting out of family life thing, but I was tired all the time, felt unwell, just wanted to sleep all weekend. DR s thought depression, virus etc, blood tests clear. DH and one of my DC used to get frustrated and angry with me, went on for about 7years.
I had an undiagnosed heart condition - diagnosed after my collapsing at work.
Now on correct meds and with lifestyle changes I'm a different person.

@Mumof1andacat

Seems like an excuse not to be part of family life.

Exactly

I suffer with my mental health but also have ongoing health issues.

I struggle at the weekends in particular and I think it's because of a lack of routine. During the week, I have my work hat on so to speak and have a routine.

If I don't have anything in particular that I need to do at weekends, it all catches up with me and I really struggle to even get myself dressed.

I am on medication and waiting for therapy but it must be so difficult for my partner. I really do sympathise with you.

What meds is he on ? Some that help sleep like mertazapine (sp??) knock you out do badly the house could be on fire and you would lay there and continue sleeping .
All anti depressants stop you worrying, it's not selective you just won't worry about anything including getting up and dressed if you can't be bothered.
Communication is key, say you expect everyone up, showered and dressed by 10 am on weekends no exceptions. Ask him to keep a diary of thoughts and get some self help books like 'feel the fear and do it anyway' support him while you can but also (sensitivity) let him know he ultimately is the only one who can help him get over this.

He needs to have his thyroid hormone levels checked, urgently. He may have hypothyroidism. This will lead to feeling exhausted and depressed, plus a whole range of other things. You can't just mentally overcome these symptoms, they are very real. He needs TSH, FT4 and FT3 tested, and also B12, folate, an iron panel and Vit D. Many labs won't do all these so you may need to get a home finger prick test from someone like Medichecks. It may uncover what his problem is. Doctors are far too quick to say 'it's depression' and not look for the cause. Anti-depressants won't fix thyroid problems.

I wonder why he moans if you dont ask how he is enough?
Why does he need that validation from you?
Sounds like its attention seeking.

I mean he might have something seriously wrong with him but if he wont ask for help then he clearly doesn't want to get better.

My ex husband was like this, he has severe depression and would be fine Monday - Friday and then on Saturday and Sunday he would do nothing but get up late, walk downstairs, flop on the sofa and watch TV/sleep all day.
He never said he was ill, it was just what he liked doing. It was probably linked to his depression but that didnt mean I had to find it acceptable and actually was one of the things I mentioned in the divorce petition.

Your husband wont change so you either put up and shut up or leave.

My exh had depression and hated doing family things but not sure which way round it came (depression first or hating family life.)

DH has anxiety and depression and moans a lot about aches and pains generally and it does my head in BUT he has always done more than his fair share of childcare housework etc. He has anxiety 24/7 and spells of depression at any time. I've never heard of depression being worse at weekends. Suspect he's making excuses.

Sorry for all of this crap OP. It isn't up to you to find out what's wrong with him.
He is refusing to get any help and just totally opting out of family life. It will be like this forever with you being taken for a fool.
If he won't engage or get help I'd start divorce proceedings.
personally I am DONE wasting my life on useless men and yes I've had a few.

Sounds so frustrating and lots of suggestions here from others. What about holidays? Employed people get holidays so is he ill then too?

Whatever it is - illness or choice - it’s not sustainable and you will need to decide what to do.

I’d probably try to speak to him first to see if you can get him on board. Side with him against the illness problems to start with rather than positioning him personally as the problem or he’ll get more defensive.

If that fails then I’d state what the problem is from my perspective, what impact it’s having on me and something needs to change. Shove the problem back in his direction with clarity that it cannot continue as it is.

Then ball is in your court to decide what next. I’d give him a bit of time to digest that but don’t let it drop. Keep him informed so that he cannot think when things go quiet that you’re just accepting it as is. You deserve more and at the very least for him to accept and try to help himself.

My husband is ‘health anxious’ and needy, we did counselling which fortunately pointed it out to him and I have to work hard sometimes to keep healthy boundaries for his self indulgent nonsense. He can be depressive too. I hear ya.

Hey , I have anxiety and depression, some recent traumas. I’m on antidepressants. my dh is very supportive, he looks after ds on Sat & sun mornings so I can sleep in as I don’t sleep well and use all my energy trying to maintain my job in the week. However, when I get up - I’m a mum and get involved. I go to the park and I run around. It’s hard and I don’t feel like it sometimes but I do it because my ds is more important to me than anything and because I don’t want to be an absolute burden to my dh.
In fact it helps my mood in the end because I don’t feel guilty about neglecting my family.
You shouldn’t have to put up with total absenteeism as a parent and partner

This sounds so rough for all of you.

While he may truly be unwell (there are lots of things that can contribute to being this way, not all of which are easily diagnosable: depression, chronic fatigue etc.), he also has a responsibility as a husband and father to put some effort in to improving and managing his health.

My DH is similar in a lot of ways, he struggles with fatigue a lot and is currently going through a real depressive episode, but he still does his half of the childcare and is actively trying his hardest to lift himself out of it, I have so much empathy for him and happily do more than I usually would to give him chance to get more rest or some time to himself even though I’m exhausted, he would do the same for me (and has in the past). But I’m not sure it’d be sustainable if this was a permanent thing and he was unwilling to try and get some help. It’s not normal to feel this way all the time, and he’s only able to ‘indulge’ in how he feels because you’re there to catch him. That’s fine for periods of time with the agreement that you’re trying to get better, but not okay in the long haul.

I think you need a really honest chat with him where you explain that you love him and understand he feels rubbish but at the same time you do need him to step up and start taking some responsibility for getting this investigated and hopefully treated.

He’s not depressed - he’s lazy - don’t ask to go out - just go!!!!
Either he goes back to the GP to review his “depression”:or I’d tell him he needs to leave.

@Whydidimarryhim

He’s not depressed - he’s lazy - don’t ask to go out - just go!!!! Either he goes back to the GP to review his “depression”:or I’d tell him he needs to leave.

I think this is a bit sweeping, I would hope my dh wouldn’t think I was lazy when I’m actually ill. Before this I was up with the lark and the active one. If you haven’t suffered it - please don’t comment

What happens when you're ill, OP? Does he respect that and step-up? Or does he try to out-compete your illness?

Please ask him to try acupuncture. It will balance his body and help with his energy.
He may genuinely feel ill. I used to feel ill but had no other sypmtoms. Turned out I was a silent ceoliac. Gluten would destroy my stomach ville but I didn't have stomach issues like other ceoliacs but I wasn't properly absorbing nutrients so was tired and feeling ill a lot.
I also feel ill when my energy is drained - acpuncture.
He also clearly needs to look at what he is eating. If he is allergic or intolerant to something it won't show up in medical tests.
I started feeling ill recently - turns out I now have silent gastric reflux! Only discovered when I started losing my voice. I don't have any pain - just feel ill.

He either comes down stairs and constantly tells me how sick he feels or that I'm not asking how he is enough, or he stays upstairs and does nothing except watch videos etc. During the summer when the weather was better, of we went out he would walk at snails pace like he needed a Zimmerframe and I'd often have to leave him on a bench and go off with DC and come back for him later.
My ex did this sort of thing when having his affair - partly to get time to himself to chat to his lady friend, but partly (I suspect) because in his mind, he was no longer part of the family. Part of his affair narrative was that I shut him out of the family and didn't involve him, so he would basically set it up so that he was left out, and could sit there hating me for "causing" it.

I'm not saying your dp is necessarily having an affair - though that is often caused by, or accompanied by, signs of depression - but he definitely sounds like he's got that same narrative going. Don't let him blame you for this.

Would he make a miraculous recovery if there was good news or if a friend came to the door to chat?

@HollowTalk

Would he make a miraculous recovery if there was good news or if a friend came to the door to chat?

I don’t necessarily think that would be strange (if that’s what you’re implying), lots of people can fake enthusiasm and happiness for a little while with someone if they don’t want them to see them in a bad way.

Same with good news, I know when I’ve had periods of depression some good news can give me a quick boost or lift for a bit, before the malaise and apathy sets in again.

I think a lot of these posts are focused on the idea that OP’s DH is faking it or over exaggerating... but the only one who knows that is him. I tend to think if he is genuinely unwell that with some encouragement (and maybe even an ultimatum) from OP he would seek help as surely he can’t be happy like this either. Faking or genuine, he needs to show that he is actively trying to address and resolve this problem as it’s unfair to his family. The same as if he had a broken leg that meant he could never go out with his kids or clean the house or go to work but refused to get it treated. Depression is different as it can directly cause someone to feel apathetic and hopeless but there does come a time when his duty to his wife and kids means he has to act.