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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH always feeling ill

86 replies

Lovingmylife · 07/02/2021 14:52

For what feels like ages now, most definitely years, DH gets to a Friday and almost without fail feels ill and then spends most of the weekend tired, exhausted and leaving me to deal with the DC.

Last year before lockdown I got him to Dr as thought he was depressed as angry alot, losing his temper and not wanting to engage. He was signed off work for a couple of weeks and then went back as normal. Dr says depression. He is now on antidepressants and they've made a difference. My problem is the weekends. They are almost always ruined in someway or stressful because he doesn't feel well. He either comes down stairs and constantly tells me how sick he feels or that I'm not asking how he is enough, or he stays upstairs and does nothing except watch videos etc. During the summer when the weather was better, of we went out he would walk at snails pace like he needed a Zimmerframe and I'd often have to leave him on a bench and go off with DC and come back for him later. When I ask him to have the kids for an hour or so he just says he doesn't want to or doesn't feel up to it. I've asked him to go back to the Dr multiple times. He has refused counselling. Refused couples counseling as we end up bickering alot, even though I have said it's about helping us communicate, not about separating.

I don't know what to do to help him or get him to help himself. It's been going on so long now that I'm losing sympathy when I can almost time like clockwork that having been fine all week, that Friday afternoon or Saturday he feels unwell.

OP posts:
RUOKHon · 07/02/2021 15:50

Yes, it’s affecting a of you so he really does need to take responsibility for his health (if it really is a health issue and not a lazy DH issue).

RUOKHon · 07/02/2021 15:50

*all of you

MaryIsA · 07/02/2021 15:56

@RUOKHon

When do you get a break? What would happen if you were ill or broke your leg and had to be in traction for a month, for example? Would he step up then do you think?

It reads like he is conveniently ill whenever he might have to do some actual parenting of his own children or contribute to family life. I would have lost all respect for him by now. If he’s genuinely ill then he needs to seek help and get treatment. Ditto if he’s depressed. So that he can be a functional member of your team.

Otherwise, really, what is the point of him?

If you split and he got EOW with the DCs, do you think he’d be ill on his weekends?

My husband does this, ok in the week, I’ll at weekends. It’s linked to his quite severe depression. I find it hard to be sympathetic. The 2 thongs that get us through it are most importantly he is getting treatment and following the recommendations of GP. Secondly I have stuff I do separate from h8m at weekends and leave him to it.

We don’t have kids at home now but his current favourite thing to do is invite his entire family round for Sunday dinner then be too tied to cook it...

So I go do my own thing till it’s ready.

It’s so frustrating for you as a partner but I wouldn’t still be with my husband if he wasn’t taking care of his mental health.

Oblomov21 · 07/02/2021 16:02

He's truely played a trump card on you hasn't he?

How do you see this being resolved OP?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/02/2021 16:30

One person's mental health doesn't trump their partner's mental health. Your anxiety and exhaustion is just as valid as his, and his does sound rather selective.

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 16:34

@Oblomov21

He's truely played a trump card on you hasn't he?

How do you see this being resolved OP?

yip

harknesswitch · 07/02/2021 17:06

So there's either something drastically wrong with him health wise that only manifests itself on Saturday and Sunday or he's a lazy twat who doesn't want to do anything with anyone on the weekend

BrilliantBetty · 07/02/2021 17:10

Have another conversation with him about it. Offer support with getting help, again. But there comes a point where you have to think of yourself. This sounds rubbish and not a fair lifestyle for you. If he doesn't get help and take steps to get well, consider if you want to continue living your life this way and if you don't.. if you'd be happier single with the DC then that's a valid choice too.

How long do you want to go on like this for.

sunnyzweibrucken · 07/02/2021 17:18

@Mumof1andacat

Seems like an excuse not to be part of family life.
I agree. I had a friend like this. He would get sick during the week so he wouldn’t have to do anything family oriented
Thebusiness · 07/02/2021 17:18

What’s he like with other people around? I know it’s lockdown but if you went out for a walk with another family would he be hobbling at the back or would he join in and be upbeat?

AIMD · 07/02/2021 17:28

Even if you feel it is his depression you can only accept this for a short while and he needs to be trying his best to make his mental health better. Otherwise it’s not fair on you or the kids.

TheyIsMyFamily · 07/02/2021 17:42

He's opting out of family life and dumping it all on you.

It really is that simple.

He could choose to get help if he truly needs it, especially since you've been advocating for it; he's choosing not to.

He could choose to rally through like the rest of us; he's choosing not to.

He could acknowledge that he's dumping it all on you; he's choosing not to.

He could look at those children he helped bring into the world and recognise he needs to do right by them; he's choosing not to.

He can do these things. He's not ill. He's choosing not to.

I would tell him you'll be seeing legal advice because your marriage isn't sustainable if he doesn't try to pull his shit together. If you're going to be a single parent in every way that counts, I'd be getting rid of a grown up man baby who brings more work to the table for myself.

tofuschnitzel · 07/02/2021 17:42

I really sympathise with you. It could be that there is a physical illness going on that is not being taken seriously, as the GP may have diagnosed depression and left it at that. But even if that is the case, he needs to chase it up if he genuinely thinks he is physically unwell. The fact he can keep up with a demanding job during the week would frustrate me. Are there any weekends when he doesn't feel ill?

It's not good enough to just opt out of family life. We all have to do things even when we feel unwell, it sounds like your husband thinks he can simply opt out. How does he feel about this situation? Is he frustrated by feeling ill and not feeling up to looking after your children, or does he not care? I think that would make a difference in how I would respond to his bouts of illness, if it was happening to my husband.

MrsBobDylan · 07/02/2021 17:48

What @TheyIsMyFamily said. He has a bad case of lazyarseholeitis.

Have my blessing to ask him to move out into a one bed flat so he can spend every weekend resting.

TillyTopper · 07/02/2021 17:50

If it's been going on several years and he's seen a GP and he won't see a counsellor then probably you have to make up your mind about what you want to do - because it doesn't sound like it's going to change. Are you ok to continue for the sake of the DCs or would you rather go it alone?

grassisjeweled · 07/02/2021 17:51

Utter bullshit. He's a total flake. Ill at weekend! Hmm

WaterBottle123 · 07/02/2021 22:55

Why do you tolerate this OP?

itwillbehormones · 07/02/2021 23:55

I'd get him back to the GP, I have a chronic illness and it floors me at weekends, because holding down a job working 5 days a week is exhausting me! My DH has managed it for a long time, and he knows and understands why it happens, and works with me.

I'm managing it so much better and have started to reduce my working hours which helps massively, but still find weekends harder.

Is he staying up later on Friday and Saturday nights? Has he had bloods done? Proper physical investigation, testorone levels checked?

Just asking as men can have all kinds of hormone issues that can cause tiredness and his current drugs may need to be looked at.

Personally I'd be asking for a physical MOT, to rule out any illness.

colouringindoors · 08/02/2021 00:03

EVERY weekend?! No, no way. My ex had severe depression, I've had periods of mental ill health. It's never looked like this.

He needs to parent for at least one day at weekend. So, does he need to go to bed earlier in the week? Reduce his hours slightly? As others have said, you could get work on a Saturday. But something clearly has to change, this is totally not fair on you.

Gil55 · 08/02/2021 00:04

He's a lazy arsehole who's taking you for a mug. Time to move on and live the life you want.

Giraffey1 · 08/02/2021 00:08

How convenient that he is ill at the weekend but not during the week!
Yes, he may be clinically depressed but this don’t just affect him at the weekend.
I think you need to sit own with him and discuss some hard truths. And if he isn’t willing to do his bit when it comes to addressing them, then he needs to decide whether his marriage and children are important to him, important enough to make some changes.
Of course it won’t be up easy, particularly if he is genuinely unwell, but this should not stop him wanting to do the right thing.

MrDarcysMa · 08/02/2021 00:24

Don't be a mug op. You and your kids deserve a husband/dad who is present or at least making an effort.

bebarkered · 08/02/2021 00:44

Hi OP
When he says he feels ill, have you asked him exactly what he means by ill? What symptoms is he having that make him feel ill? And, do you know if he has ever had a virus? X

joystir59 · 08/02/2021 00:50

He'd be so much less tired and depressed if he supported you and looked after his children- stopped focussing on himself and engaged with family life.

Taikoo · 08/02/2021 00:55

Wow, what knickers he is.
I wouldn't engage with his horseshit at all.
But I would see my solicitor and divorce him.
He sounds like a right molly.