DH always feeling ill

[Lovingmylife]

For what feels like ages now, most definitely years, DH gets to a Friday and almost without fail feels ill and then spends most of the weekend tired, exhausted and leaving me to deal with the DC.

Last year before lockdown I got him to Dr as thought he was depressed as angry alot, losing his temper and not wanting to engage. He was signed off work for a couple of weeks and then went back as normal. Dr says depression. He is now on antidepressants and they've made a difference. My problem is the weekends. They are almost always ruined in someway or stressful because he doesn't feel well. He either comes down stairs and constantly tells me how sick he feels or that I'm not asking how he is enough, or he stays upstairs and does nothing except watch videos etc. During the summer when the weather was better, of we went out he would walk at snails pace like he needed a Zimmerframe and I'd often have to leave him on a bench and go off with DC and come back for him later. When I ask him to have the kids for an hour or so he just says he doesn't want to or doesn't feel up to it. I've asked him to go back to the Dr multiple times. He has refused counselling. Refused couples counseling as we end up bickering alot, even though I have said it's about helping us communicate, not about separating.

I don't know what to do to help him or get him to help himself. It's been going on so long now that I'm losing sympathy when I can almost time like clockwork that having been fine all week, that Friday afternoon or Saturday he feels unwell.

@ColdBrightClearMorning I think this is a really good post. I can fake it a lot- that’s how I hold down a job , doesn’t mean I feel like that inside and it isn’t exhausting to ‘perform’ .I do think he needs to take action though. I’ve taken constant action to try and ‘fix’ myself , I owe that to myself and my family. I am also very appreciative of my dh and his efforts and make it known often

[quote Maryberryscake]@ColdBrightClearMorning I think this is a really good post. I can fake it a lot- that’s how I hold down a job , doesn’t mean I feel like that inside and it isn’t exhausting to ‘perform’ .I do think he needs to take action though. I’ve taken constant action to try and ‘fix’ myself , I owe that to myself and my family. I am also very appreciative of my dh and his efforts and make it known often[/quote]
I think those of us who have lived with depression or had partners with depression perhaps approach this post differently to those who haven’t had that specific experience. It’s really sad to see the number of posts saying categorically that he’s faking it or should pull himself up by the bootstraps. We still have a long way to go before mental illness is seen as a ‘real’ thing like physical illness (not that I or anyone here knows whether OP’s husband’s issues stem from depression or not, but the assumption he can’t possibly be unwell is concerning).

He saw the GP ages ago for some blood tests as I said it doesn't seem normal but they all came back fine

He needs to follow this up properly.

Nhs acceptable ranges ARE NOT necessarily ok, many women have had this issue too. Myself included and I'm still battling to get taken seriously.

There's also things he could be doing himself to improve his energy levels. Is he eating well, sleeping well? Not just quantities but quality too, does he exercise at all? Doesn't have to be running marathons! Some stretches/yoga can be very helpful. Does he go to bed late and have lie ins at weekends? (Lie ins really mess with your body clock and energy levels)

Vitamin supplements too - with covid frankly I think EVERYONE should be on therapeutic levels of vit d, I've been doing that since march and noticed a slight improvement myself. Also iron may well help (remember it's best taken at mealtimes and with vit c rich food/drink), b vitamins (I'm veggie I've been careful to take b vits and eat b vit rich things like marmite for decades)

Another possible cause - is he caffeinated during the week and not at weekends? Caffeine has a much stronger effect than people realise especially if you have a lot of it. Following my 2nd mc I did a lot of research into potential causes and as a result decided to quit caffeine but had underestimated how much I was having and therefore how addicted I was. I quit cold turkey and felt DREADFUL! Went to the dr because I genuinely thought I'd come down with a bad flu (I'm also asthmatic and have other lung issues so if I pick up a bad cold or flu I have to go drs straight away for prophylactic antibiotics), luckily for me the dr spotted the real issue and I was advised to wean myself off the caffeine rather than go cold turkey. It genuinely shocked me just how rough it made me feel and I've been telling people for ages now about this, some sceptics in real life have even gone cold from having loads of caffeine themselves to prove me wrong and then come back to me like "omg! I had no idea! I felt bloody awful pretty much by the afternoon of that first day! Wtf!" Because in Uk it's not recognised properly as being a harmful substance. We mock other countries for their stance on caffeine in pregnancy or other conditions even though there's loads of evidence of how harmful it can be.

Similar to caffeine is he having a lot of sugar in the week and not at weekends? My ex was like this at one point, as it happened we were working in the same building and seeing a lot of each other and I'd noticed he was basically ALWAYS eating sweets during working hours (also provided the answer as to why he wasn't hungry for dinner till gone 8pm!), seriously unless he was on the phone (office job) he was ALWAYS eating something sugary - chocolate, biscuits (huge biscuit culture in that office), chews, jelly beans... just really sugary all the time. Then at the weekends he'd "crash" energy wise. I said to him to cut out all the sweets and biscuits got him eating more fruit and veg (couldn't get him to stop eating altogether so I went the route of replacing, so got him eating things like carrot sticks, apples, grapes, sliced peppers, cucumber sticks (I'd freeze them and he'd have them mid morning before they went "soggy")... At first he really struggled to stay awake past about 7pm but relatively quickly he adjusted and started to feel a lot better and had more energy at weekends. He also used to have 4 spoons of sugar in his tea and there was constant tea drinking too so I got him drinking more water, less tea and reducing the amount of sugar in his tea (that had to be very gradual, it was like 3 1/2 spoons for a week, then 3 for a week etc didn't get him off sugar in tea altogether but he got down to 1 spoon)

Possibly different ads would work better too (I'm on like 5th or 6th ones and still yet to find ones that really work for me). I had my first breakdown 15 years ago, for most of the time since I've been a single mum with little respite except for a short time when I was extremely ill and genuinely couldn't function as a parent and I had some respite put in place by family then but mostly I've just had to get on with it. Lots of parenting most of us really don't enjoy or find tiring/wearing but you pull your socks up and crack on!

But yes there's a possibility he's plain at it to get out of his responsibilities and that's absolutely unacceptable.

I think have a serious talk with him to say he has to go to the dr AND follow any and all advice AND try things that will help him feel better, or if he's unwilling to do this then maybe you need to reconsider the relationship, not least as it's not fair on dc. I wonder if telling him the relationship is at risk will motivate him?

If you split and he got EOW with the DCs, do you think he’d be ill on his weekends?

If the real issue is that he's not interested in parenting rather than any genuine illness, then in all likelihood he will be fine with the relationship ending and will likely vanish out of dcs lives. Sadly very common. Op shouldn't expect him to pay cm either in that case.

Op - depression/mental illness IS helped by good physical self care too, lots of evidence/research on this. It's why I'm always trying to improve my diet, sleep etc

Also I agree it's not acceptable when mh is an issue to not try and improve matters. As I say I've suffered for many years but refuse to give up! I've tried different meds, therapies, complementary therapies, self care... some of it has/does help, some hasn't or has even made me worse but I don't think not even trying is acceptable especially where it's impacting others daily.

Unfortunately the nhs is so underfunded and under resources especially in mh that "the squeaky wheel gets most oil" you have to be vocal.

I'm also physically disabled, again I could give in and do very little, have people doing stuff for me but I pace myself, find workarounds, use equipment that makes certain tasks easier/possible! Eg I've had fun and games this weekend cos I ordered ready peeled potatoes to try for the first time (I'm no longer safe peeling myself) but it's led to me having dishes I've not had for years and I think I now have a grip on using them such that they'll be a useful addition to my repertoire.

lots saying "it can't just be a weekend thing if a genuine illness" it really can. People can push themselves to keep going in the week, "working on adrenaline", using all their energy to keep working, but then when not at work the adrenaline (and other hormones and chemicals) drop and they slump. Lots of people with autoimmune, chronic pain, mh conditions can experience this.

I have severe ocd, I'd be "masking" throughout the week to manage taking dd to school/childcare/clubs, to work (without colleagues seeing ocd behaviours) when I was working and then come the Friday evening it'd go into overdrive! Cue sore bleeding hands and shakes on a sat morning and my being unable to cope with any plans for that part of the week I had to work around that so that sat mornings were a "calm" time/activity. Thank fuck for kids cheap sat movie clubs in the cinemas at this time!

I've a few friends with various conditions - fibro, ME, MS, depression... who push on during work hours then days off basically collapse! One (with fibro) basically every Tuesday she Parps the kids to school, gets home, sleeps, then sets alarm to get up for picking kids up from school and does the little housework she does that day after they're home from school. Her other day off is a Sunday and she doesn't get to sleep that day as kids home and so that's when her and kids get bulk of housework done together (lone parent mum).

Lots of disabled people plan "downtime" into their weeks but they also meet their family responsibilities.

If he does have a medical condition then with a dx it becomes a bit easier to learn how to manage the condition and how to pace themselves.

For me, it's not the fact that he is only ill at the weekends that makes me wonder what's going on. It's this:
if we went out he would walk at snails pace like he needed a Zimmerframe and I'd often have to leave him on a bench and go off with DC and come back for him later.
I understand from my own experience that being depressed can make you feel knackered, but he's on ADs which are apparently having an effect, and he can't walk as fast as a child.

He's not going back to the doctor, and he's refusing therapy and couples counselling. Sounds like OP has been quite patient, but if it is depression, then that clearly is not helping. Maybe it would be better if she was clear about the effect that him refusing to get further treatment is having on his relationship.

And if it is really so bad that he actually can't walk properly, then perhaps it isn't depression. Perhaps it is a physical illness - MS springs to mind - in which case he should absolutely get back to the doctor. But he's not doing that. Hence the speculation.

Thanks everyone. I don't believe he is knowingly faking it, it's just tiring really. I spoke to him last night again and made it clear I'm expecting him to start looking after himself better and that another trip to the Dr is necessary if this carries on any longer as it's just not right. I am more than happy to support him and know he can't help being depressed but I want him to make the choice to do more to get himself better. I've suggested new job if his is too stressful, I've suggested taking time off, I encourage him to see friends. Hopefully he will take some action now.

Are his parents the sort who pampered him when he was growing up and sympathised with every ache and pain, giving him extra attention when he felt a bit off colour?

Has he ever been robust?

He’s got into the very bad habit of using his depression as a get out clause for weekend parenting. You need to stop enabling him by being available in the weekend. If he complained, refer him back to the GP.

I’d be supportive of him if I felt he was taking steps to manage the situation - going back to the doctors, getting enough sleep during the week, eating healthily, taking vitamins or whatever else he needs to do to dig himself out of the situation. But the lack of oomph to improve the situation to ensure he wasn’t putting all the burden on me to pick up the tasks he can’t manage would chip away at my respect for him and I wouldn’t be hanging around long term.

I’d also keep a diary of every time he mentioned not feeling well, ducked out of being a parent or put a dampener on a day out. Show him the pattern in black and white and make it clear it can’t continue if he’s not going to take responsibility for how his behaviour at weekends impacts on you.