Please help and advise me about partners moodiness

[Skeroooerrat]

I'm really upset and confused so please be gentle with me!

My partner and I have been together 3 years and he moved in with me and my kids since lockdown last year and generally it's been positive for me and the kids.

He is bright, kind, helpful, funny, sweet, loyal and generally we get on really well.

But I am being ground down by his mood swings. These are well known at his place of work and a joke is generally made of them there.

Twice a week, probably one eve and one day of the weekend is marred by him being sulky, moody and generally difficult to be around. It's becoming a deal breaker for me and this morning I told him so.

He will get in a mood if he is hungry, tired or feeling anxious. He doesnt seem able to say 'oh I don't feel great' or 'I won't come along actually, I'm shattered' or 'I'm getting really hungry can we stop for food' or 'I'm so worried about yada yada'. Instead we will have hours of abrupt responses to questions, curt and fairly rude announcements, eye rolls and a total absence of pleasantries. Its utterly wearing.

Yesterday was my first day out of 3 weeks of isolation after the whole family got covid at different points and we had to test drive a new car as my lease is up together and the kids were at their dad's.

The timings then didn't quite worked out, we'd had to do some admin for his career change so making lunch was quicker so he hadn't eaten enough and so I had this behaviour for the whole test drive which was 2 hours long and supposed to be fun while obvs essential and within the rules. It had been triggered by a discussion about a change of career that I am supportive of and we can afford the re training but that will be a big change he wants but is frightened of. He was then in this mood for about 6 hours until we saw his sister who is our support bubble. It was just so wearing and difficult to be around I just wanted to be alone to actually relax in the evening.

I've told him this morning after he spent the nignt in the spare room that it is a deal breaker for me and if he can't sensibly say when he feels down and to preventatively deal with his hunger or tiredness and just not do the activity, I would much prefer to do something alone than with him if he is in this mood.

Partly I can't bear how I find myself going through all the reaaons he might be moody to try and 'fix' it and it is such a horrible dynamic. It's impossible to ignore him and just get on with things because he doesn't remove himself from the situation he just keeps on going. Help.

He needs to move out again.

It's not fair on you or your children to be subject to his ridiculous behaviour.

Don't tolerate it. You need to put your dc first.

It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship if you don't want it to be, but he's no good as a live in partner.

He needs to seek help and work on his behaviour, not expect everyone around him to accept him being a sulky unmoderated little shit all the time. Startling that he gets away with it so much at work and it's not treated as unacceptable.

Thank you category.

I completely agree. It is less of an occurance around the kids - but still happens. It's not all the time I must stress that, 2 episodes a week I would say.

He does need to work on it - i can't imagine he would speak to a therapist.

I am going to start keeping track of it though as its certainly increased in the past 6 months.

And yes at work he had been there so long that it's generally ignored by colleagues and they banter about him being a moody bastard.

This man is not a grown up.

Poor lamb suffering from such awful hypoglycaemia !

He should leave, your children should not be forced to be exposed to this man’s moodiness.

A grown man who doesn’t take responsibility for managing his own food intake & spoils things for everyone else due to his moods - that is an arsehole, not hypoglycaemic.

Had to roll my eyes at yet another thread about a bloke moving in during covid & disrupting the household dynamics with their behaviour.

Being with someone like this who can turn it on and turn it off at the blink of an eye (as soon as he meets his sister) is just awful and I think it's abusive.
It will likely get worse when he has the pressures of retraining/moving careers.
It's not good for you to be pulled down like this and it certainly isn't for your poor DCs.
Leopards don't change their spots.

Yeah I know I feel completely eye roll about it too.
I have said he needs to pull himself together and sort it out as I am neither his mother or therapist.

I appreciate everyone has the right to feel shit sometimes but this is an obvious and clear pattern that has emerged since he got more comfortable living with me, I think.

I agree about those pressures making it worse.
I'd rather be didn't retrain tbh because of this.

For the first time I'm seeing clearly that I might have to end it.

I couldn't live like this, tiptoeing round a grown man. You're already looking for solutions, making it your problem. Why isn't he doing that? Why isn't he trying to fix this problem of his making? Because he doesn't care, he's not bothered about the impact it's having on you and your kids. It's all about him.

This won't get better. Especially if he won't address it.

I get 'hangry' as my dh calls it. But I know when it's happening, or about to happen, and I will ask him if we can stop whatever we are doing so I can eat. This then stops any moodiness on my part before it even starts. If your dp isn't prepared to do this then you're on a none starter. Plus it's not healthy for you or your dc to have to deal with this. You'll find it ruins lots of occasions that should be fun and special. They will be remembered because of his mood.

Hi OP... I’d add that if it happens less around the kids that implies he knows he is able to control it. Of course he is. It is like living with a massive toddler, though underneath that I think is an adult self centred ness. My ex H was just like this, years of living by walking on eggshells.... of course there are lovely aspects, no one is all bad, but it’s just not worth the anxiety it causes. He needs to sort himself out and you sound very lovely, and deserve someone so.

Have him move out and work on it himself. If he gets a handle on it and proves it at work and in life generally, then think about moving in again..

How did he respond this morning when you told him it was a deal breaker OP?

Tell him this is not working for you, you will no longer be subjected to his ridiculous behaviour and it's time for him to move out. If you continue to put up with his behaviour, why would he bother changing or addressing it? He won't. Unless you give him a wake up call, he will continue to act like a three year old.

@Skeroooerrat

I agree about those pressures making it worse. I'd rather be didn't retrain tbh because of this. For the first time I'm seeing clearly that I might have to end it.

I agree. Because currently you are placing placating him above protecting your children. Sorry.

I’m sorry but I think you should seriously consider breaking it off with him. The relationship sounds like way too much hard work for you, supporting and managing him all the time, and it’s not fair to your DC. He doesn’t sound mature enough for an adult relationship let alone being a stepdad. You have to put your DC first here.

Do not put this emotionally abusive man above your children. That is what he is; he does this because he can and he feels absolutely entitled to treat you like this. He really does feel he is and has done nothing wrong here. Moodiness like this towards others is really emotional abuse.

There is no might have to end it re your relationship; you do absolutely have to end it.

Work on your own self too going forward and look at the Freedom Programme. This man targeted you and deliberately likely because he sensed your low self worth/self esteem and shaky boundaries. Your own recovery of his abuses of you and in turn your kids will only properly start once he is completely out of your lives.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. It was his intention all along to ground you down by his emotional abuse aka mood swings and moodiness. He wants to dictate the mood of your home.

Two episodes of this from him per week is also two episodes too many; that means he is kicking off about something every three days or so. Its miserable for your kids also to see all that and it also teaches them damaging lessons about relationships. He is not going to change as his work colleagues have all too clearly seen too.

I do very genuinely appreciate responses - my ex husband was extremely emotionally abusive and stone walled me for weeks, used verbal abuse and all the classic narcissistic FOG tactics. I did do the freedom programme. In general, i don't think dp is an emotional abuser... But I don't know, maybe he is

Well I think you've still some way to go in recognising your own value and good boundaries, because you rush to minimise his behaviour by saying it only happens twice a week. But twice a week is loads, and too much. It may not be on the same level as previous relationships you've been in, but it's still way way out of line.

Thanks for your update OP, that does reinforce the fact that your boundaries etc do need work - I agree with pp that this is abusive and twice a week is actually very frequent. I think you should ask him to leave

Op this is unacceptable behaviour and you know that. I agree he needs to move out.

Moodiness is an example of emotional abuse. He targeted you because your boundaries, further skewed by previous abuse, are being again eroded more by this individual who is also abusive. Abuse like you've suffered at the hands of your ex takes a long time also, years even, to recover from.

This individual may not be quite like your ex but this man and your ex are both abusive all the same. And you were deliberately targeted by this current man as well.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and seek their support to get your abuser out of your day to day lives. He is also no decent example of a stepfather figure to your kids. If you can go to Boots and ask for Ani their stores have consultation rooms in which you can access domestic violence support services.

My ex was like this
Could cause a problem and an issue out of nothing , leaving me wondering what was wrong and ‘ how to fix it ‘
Your comments on how it made u feel really reminded me of how I felt
It won’t get any better , and it is damaging to your children who will pick
Up on it . You sound very switched on , you know what you need to do
Get rid

Oh I'd have to tell him to fuck off. Moodiness is one of my pet hates can't stand moody men. I think he's acting like a prick, ask him to move out and start enjoying yourself again.