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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help and advise me about partners moodiness

93 replies

Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 10:16

I'm really upset and confused so please be gentle with me!

My partner and I have been together 3 years and he moved in with me and my kids since lockdown last year and generally it's been positive for me and the kids.

He is bright, kind, helpful, funny, sweet, loyal and generally we get on really well.

But I am being ground down by his mood swings. These are well known at his place of work and a joke is generally made of them there.

Twice a week, probably one eve and one day of the weekend is marred by him being sulky, moody and generally difficult to be around. It's becoming a deal breaker for me and this morning I told him so.

He will get in a mood if he is hungry, tired or feeling anxious. He doesnt seem able to say 'oh I don't feel great' or 'I won't come along actually, I'm shattered' or 'I'm getting really hungry can we stop for food' or 'I'm so worried about yada yada'. Instead we will have hours of abrupt responses to questions, curt and fairly rude announcements, eye rolls and a total absence of pleasantries. Its utterly wearing.

Yesterday was my first day out of 3 weeks of isolation after the whole family got covid at different points and we had to test drive a new car as my lease is up together and the kids were at their dad's.

The timings then didn't quite worked out, we'd had to do some admin for his career change so making lunch was quicker so he hadn't eaten enough and so I had this behaviour for the whole test drive which was 2 hours long and supposed to be fun while obvs essential and within the rules. It had been triggered by a discussion about a change of career that I am supportive of and we can afford the re training but that will be a big change he wants but is frightened of. He was then in this mood for about 6 hours until we saw his sister who is our support bubble. It was just so wearing and difficult to be around I just wanted to be alone to actually relax in the evening.

I've told him this morning after he spent the nignt in the spare room that it is a deal breaker for me and if he can't sensibly say when he feels down and to preventatively deal with his hunger or tiredness and just not do the activity, I would much prefer to do something alone than with him if he is in this mood.

Partly I can't bear how I find myself going through all the reaaons he might be moody to try and 'fix' it and it is such a horrible dynamic. It's impossible to ignore him and just get on with things because he doesn't remove himself from the situation he just keeps on going. Help.

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 07/02/2021 16:25

I agree with those who say you should get him to move out of your home - he should have another place he can go, since he only moved in with you in the last lockdown. He can then work on himself to his hearts content, without impacting your children.

OP, many women stay too long in abusive relationships, due to being financially dependent on the abuser. But you are a single parent with her own home - so you can remove this abuse immediately from your life and from your children’s lives.

And twice a week is a huge amount of moodiness to have to live with.

Dozer · 07/02/2021 16:36

If you’re subsidising his retraining and he wants this and likes the other benefits of living with you, he has a v strong incentive to ‘try’, in the short term. Not necessarily for the right reasons.

Have you worked out how much him retraining will cost YOU? If not, would do so asap, and think v hard about committing any of your resources.

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 16:38

Get through these 6 weeks and just make him move out .... its an insufferable way to
live.. for you and your poor kids 🌺

Wiredforsound · 07/02/2021 16:45

I’d be really interested to hear why his previous relationships ended. I used to date this man who would do this every few weeks. He was otherwise amazing so I put up with it for two years. Towards the end he spent more time sulking that being amazing so I binned him. It had got boring and repetitive and just wasn’t worth the effort anymore. He was very shocked because he had such a grossly inflated opinion of himself he thought I’d be there no matter what. Dickhead.

Original poster

Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 18:00

Well he's going to show me that every time he feels a mood coming on that he removes himself with a suitable, polite statement of fact like - I'm more tired than I thought - I won't come on the walk after all. Or, if with kids - that was a really long day at work , I think I just need to go and have a sit down upstairs.
And so on.
Instead of these intensely moody joinings.

He wants to retrain but do i want to put up with the precariousness and the pressure?

Not really.

OP posts:

Original poster

Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 18:02

I'm really, really fucked off.

Yes it's in his interests to stay and be nice as he doesn't see a way out and I think that is so unhealthy. I don't think he should retrain I think he should use the job security and savings to buy his own place and fuck off out of mine

OP posts:

Original poster

Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 18:03

And then he should work out how to pay the mortgage and retrain while doing that. As I don't want this.

OP posts:

WitchWife · 07/02/2021 18:03

@Skeroooerrat

I'm really, really fucked off.

The GREAT thing is all you need to do to make this happen is tell him to leave. I presume he's not on your mortgage or tenancy?

Original poster

Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 18:07

No, neither...

OP posts:

FatCatThinCat · 07/02/2021 18:16

Sounds like growing up his moods were pandered to. I'm not sure if you'll ever see genuine, long term significant change. This has been hardwired into who he is.

category12 · 07/02/2021 18:20

I think the 6 weeks thing is a mistake.

Instead - he goes back wherever he was living, he works on his behaviour with therapy and counselling, not just willpower. He proves he has changed and can maintain the change over a long period of time. If he wants to retrain, he does it on his own dime, not yours.

If he sorts himself out, then you consider living together in good time.

Stop being his soft landing place. you have your self and your dc to think about, not some adult man who has got away with far too much for far too long.

SoSadBaby · 07/02/2021 18:20

bloody good for you, but Atilla has a point. I’m afraid anyone can be “good” for 6 weeks. Doubt he’ll last that long though. Keep your spidery senses in active mode and don’t take any shot. He really needs to live elsewhere though, honestly?

SoSadBaby · 07/02/2021 18:20

shit

SoSadBaby · 07/02/2021 18:24

Hmm ... I hope he’s not benefiting financially.

Dozer · 07/02/2021 18:27

So he CANNOT afford to retrain: you’d be subsidising him. Don’t be a mug! You have DC to consider.

hopsalong · 07/02/2021 19:07

Ugh. He sounds awful. I can't stand that silent man moody thing. It's possible that they're so completely unaware that they don't even realise they're in a bad mood.

Either way, a red flag. This sort of thing ALWAYS gets worse, from my experience, so the once-a-week sulk because he's hungry turns into behaving irritably most of the time.

I had a boyfriend like this once. The only way to snap him out of it turned out to be sex. But after one too many cajoling shags, I completely stopped fancying him even when he was being nice.

Fluffymule · 07/02/2021 19:22

I'm another who was surprised with your 'only twice a week' comment. Thats a fair amount of time, even twice a month would be unacceptable on a consistent and ongoing basis.

Surely it gets to the point where you and your children start to wait for, or predict, when the next 'moody' episode is due that week? Thats not a great environment to be in, not a stable foundation for a happy home.

I hope the ultimatum you have given works out the way you want it too, but having lived a childhood with a father like this myself, always waiting for the next time, often being made to feel like it was my fault, I'd be prepared for any change not to be long lasting.

EarthSight · 07/02/2021 21:02

You've described my partner almost exactly (except mine doesn't do it for hours but in the past it's come in regular bursts). It's difficult because all you get is denials, and then telling you that you shouldn't tell them how they feel......followed by exactly the mood and actions you were trying to tell them about! It's really hard work to be around and not good for your mental health or your children's.

From what I've seen and experienced, it only gets worse as they get older. If they say they are perfectly content with their lives ( partly with having you to cheer them up and to manage their emotions for them), there's nothing you can do about it except for leaving. They can often behave nicely when they want to, but it's hard work for them. They are just naturally neurotic and often they reserve a sort of pride in being known as the grumpy one. It gives them a sort of strange feeling of superiority.

If you remove yourself from their presence (so the can no longer enact an almost performative irritability in front of you), they will often follow you to wherever you are to get their fix of sunshine, or the toy they are used to playing with. If you refuse to join them they will either sulk or they'll try their very best to seem like they're not in a mood, when they are and you soon find that out if you spend time with them again. Does that sound familiar? He is an adult and needs to get a fucking grip on his hanger.

The reason why he's not showing more of an interest in changing is because he simply doesn't care enough. His life work for him as it is, and he doesn't think you're going anywhere any time soon - horrible. For me, that's a lack of care, lack of love and lack of respect.

If someone is unpleasant and hard work to be around on a regular basis, then that's not good for you, abuse or not. I think often it's just part of who they are. They are neurotic by nature. They make an effort for the first few months or years, and then slide back into their authentic selves. It's corrosive to the atmosphere to a house, to children, and to nice days out you should be having together. Your home should be a place of comfort and shelter where you get away from dark clouds (mainly)......not a situation where you walk from under one dark cloud to another.

If he's quite happy to do nothing, fine, but you don't have to live with it.

EarthSight · 07/02/2021 21:05

His life works for him*

Gil55 · 07/02/2021 21:05

FFS. What age is he? 5? Moody because he's hungry? Seriously? I think you know what you need to do.

Newstaronhorizon · 07/02/2021 21:12

Oh for god's sake op. Trust your gut instinct! Get him out of your house now!!! He is not doing your mental health any good at all and he is USING YOU, your home, your food, your generosity, your kindness, your cooking and cleaning !

When you look at him do you see feelers? 6 legs and a proboscis instead of a penis?! He is a parasite leeching off you and he knows it.

What's the point of trying to get him into best behaviour mode when you know very well if you enable him to retrain you he will be even more dependent on you.

Tell him he has to move out and 6 weeks is the deadline!!

EarthSight · 07/02/2021 21:13

@Colourmeclear

My ex was like this. I agree it's exhausting. He was worse when it was hot or he was hungry. Nothing like waking up on a hot summer's day and having your stomach drop because it will just be moods all day long.

I often had a sense that my ex would get in a grump and then feel angry at me because of his mood. An example would be oh I'm really hangry and it's your fault because we had to go out or you didn't buy the right food or you want me to do X y or z etc. He didn't vocalise it often but he made it clear I had to suffer too when it wasn't my responsibility. Does that feel like something he might do? He had no ability to address his own needs with words so would just blow up and feel so hard done by because he felt entitled to a perfect life where he didn't have to communicate like a human being. I had sympathy until he crossed a line and I realised he would never change and I would never be mentally well living him.

@colourmeclear

Fuck. Men like this aren't man-children, they're man-babies. I realized that I had serious issues with my partner when I felt that spending time with him usually felt like work. I don't have children, but I would expect this with a toddler. To soothe them when they cry because there's been a loud noise, to deal with inexplicable grumps, to bring along snacks in the car when they get hungry, to make hand puppets or tell them stories to snap them out of a bad mood......but with another adult???

I actually did the telling funny stories bit by the way. I just got to fed up and exhausted from having extremely stressful days being humiliated and bullied at a workplace I was miserable in, to coming home to a man that felt more like looking after an irritable toddler.

EarthSight · 07/02/2021 21:18

@Gil55

FFS. What age is he? 5? Moody because he's hungry? Seriously? I think you know what you need to do.

@Gil55 It's really common. My ex used to get terribly verbally abusive and sometimes be in a mood and and angry sulk for hours if he had an episode. I used to cry but he showed no remorse and ended up blaming me for it because I had the gumption to face him and tell him off for his horrible behavior. We were together for far too long. A lot of people thought he was lovely.

Sally2791 · 07/02/2021 21:20

Yuk, how draining and damaging. He won’t change for any length of time- deeply unattractive and bad for your children. Get rid.

SoSadBaby · 07/02/2021 21:47

Oh I’ve just seen your further annoyance re. his “retaining”. which you seem to imply you will be de facto facilitating?! Yeah, right.

Why not concern yourself with your own “retraining”, qualifications and future?! He can sort his own bloody stuff out on his time, his money, and his moods!

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