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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help and advise me about partners moodiness

93 replies

Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 10:16

I'm really upset and confused so please be gentle with me!

My partner and I have been together 3 years and he moved in with me and my kids since lockdown last year and generally it's been positive for me and the kids.

He is bright, kind, helpful, funny, sweet, loyal and generally we get on really well.

But I am being ground down by his mood swings. These are well known at his place of work and a joke is generally made of them there.

Twice a week, probably one eve and one day of the weekend is marred by him being sulky, moody and generally difficult to be around. It's becoming a deal breaker for me and this morning I told him so.

He will get in a mood if he is hungry, tired or feeling anxious. He doesnt seem able to say 'oh I don't feel great' or 'I won't come along actually, I'm shattered' or 'I'm getting really hungry can we stop for food' or 'I'm so worried about yada yada'. Instead we will have hours of abrupt responses to questions, curt and fairly rude announcements, eye rolls and a total absence of pleasantries. Its utterly wearing.

Yesterday was my first day out of 3 weeks of isolation after the whole family got covid at different points and we had to test drive a new car as my lease is up together and the kids were at their dad's.

The timings then didn't quite worked out, we'd had to do some admin for his career change so making lunch was quicker so he hadn't eaten enough and so I had this behaviour for the whole test drive which was 2 hours long and supposed to be fun while obvs essential and within the rules. It had been triggered by a discussion about a change of career that I am supportive of and we can afford the re training but that will be a big change he wants but is frightened of. He was then in this mood for about 6 hours until we saw his sister who is our support bubble. It was just so wearing and difficult to be around I just wanted to be alone to actually relax in the evening.

I've told him this morning after he spent the nignt in the spare room that it is a deal breaker for me and if he can't sensibly say when he feels down and to preventatively deal with his hunger or tiredness and just not do the activity, I would much prefer to do something alone than with him if he is in this mood.

Partly I can't bear how I find myself going through all the reaaons he might be moody to try and 'fix' it and it is such a horrible dynamic. It's impossible to ignore him and just get on with things because he doesn't remove himself from the situation he just keeps on going. Help.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/02/2021 11:39

Yeah it seems like you have a slightly less abusive man now but still an abusive sulky one

Have you seen the freedom programme? Also ltb obvs

Colourmeclear · 07/02/2021 11:43

My ex was like this. I agree it's exhausting. He was worse when it was hot or he was hungry. Nothing like waking up on a hot summer's day and having your stomach drop because it will just be moods all day long.

I often had a sense that my ex would get in a grump and then feel angry at me because of his mood. An example would be oh I'm really hangry and it's your fault because we had to go out or you didn't buy the right food or you want me to do X y or z etc. He didn't vocalise it often but he made it clear I had to suffer too when it wasn't my responsibility. Does that feel like something he might do? He had no ability to address his own needs with words so would just blow up and feel so hard done by because he felt entitled to a perfect life where he didn't have to communicate like a human being. I had sympathy until he crossed a line and I realised he would never change and I would never be mentally well living him.

PandaVie · 07/02/2021 11:47

I thought you were going to say once a month or so. Twice a week is a lot!! It’s affecting you and your moods now and the whole eggshell thing. You can analyse things of course, him, you, etc. But the bottom line is your own happiness and integrity. Putting that first. He may not be able to control his moods, I don’t know, but why move in with someone when that is how he is and put it on someone else? Maybe it is just more convenient for him, as a previous poster said? Is he contributing his fair share financially? Anyway the last thing you need is someone around you and your children and home destabilising you and making you anxious.

Arrivederla · 07/02/2021 11:50

You'll find it ruins lots of occasions that should be fun and special.

This. I had years of it and I'm sad and ashamed to say that my dc had it for most of their childhoods.

Don't be me.

Newstaronhorizon · 07/02/2021 11:58

Of course he is more comfortable now he has moved in, men feel they can be themselves!

This is HIM

Let's see how quick he is to say 'oh yes, I recognize I have a problem that I need to work on and I will move out because it's not fair on you or your DC"

Of course he hasn't and wouldn't dream of it next you are there to cook and clean and put up with all this as a woman!! Hmm

Would you treat someone like this op?

That's your benchmark whenever in doubt.

Get rid and don't think being kind and thoughtful ever goes just one way in a relationship it has to be from the man too or you end up in situations like this.

confettiballoons · 07/02/2021 12:08

This is my other half. Don’t get stuck with it. I’m constantly on egg shells wondering whether this will be a bad day - snappy, grumpy, picking at me at ridiculous things. I’m coming to the end of the road with mine, but it’s a super hard decision because I’m pregnant with our 4th and I love him to bits, but 25% of the time he’s amazing, 50% ok and 25% a nob, and whilst everyone has a bad day (and I do too) that 25% is too much. Unless you can get it down to an appropriate every few weeks someone’s entitled to have a bad day and get a bit low, just don’t stand for it. You never know, he might not realise he’s doing it and this might snap him out of it.

confettiballoons · 07/02/2021 12:10

And totally on the hangry. ‘What are we eating?’ ‘Well how about xyz’ ‘well I can’t eat that can I’ ‘well how about that’ ‘no I don’t fancy it’. He’s diabetic and carbs do bad things to his blood sugar, but he doesn’t really like veg so basically if there’s not half a cow served up every day he’s grumpy 🤨

Dozer · 07/02/2021 12:14

The best thing to do, for you and your DC, would be to end the relationship.

If you do stay in the relationship the next best thing would be for him to move out and significantly resuce his time with your DC, so that his behaviour has less impact on your DC.

Whatever you do, DO NOT subsidise him to retrain! Someone displaying moody behaviour at home and work will continue behaving like that, indeed the financial and other strains will likely lead to more or worse. Also high risk of his behaviour affecting his training and future employment.

When you have DC to consider investing your resources in the career of a man who treats you and your DC like this shows poor judgment. He is NOT worth the investment.

MaeveDidIt · 07/02/2021 14:09

@Skeroooerrat
You say you don't think it's emotional abuse, but actually it is, because he is contaminating YOUR whole home environment with it.

harknesswitch · 07/02/2021 14:50

I also think it's emotional abuse, he might not be doing it on purpose and he might not think he can control it, he may also justify it as being 'who he is', but that doesn't make it right or excuse the behaviour.

Original poster
Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 15:09

I appreciate everyones opinions.

I've told him it's a deal breaker and I've had enough and that it's just not on to put this on me.

I've said im giving it 6 weeks, that I'm going to keep a log and if he can't do any self development work and it doesnt change I don't want him to live with us any longer. And I absolutely mean it.

Today I don't want to speak to him and he's working out the financial implications of the re training in the spare room.

I just don't even want to look at him right now.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 07/02/2021 15:11

Well done op. How did he react to that?

tsmainsqueeze · 07/02/2021 15:13

I think a lot of moody people don't have a choice , its just the way they are .
I have a close relative who is the same , i love them a lot but of late -covid aside , i have found myself keeping a distance.
Its just too much hard work , causes disappointment and resentment .
I worry that my relatives lovely spouse will decide they have had enough .
We are all entitled to have a quieter , lower mood but not at the expense of everyone else's happiness .

Original poster
Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 15:20

He was cross and self defensive at first but I spelt it out that he had ruined my one day out in 3 weeks yesterday, that his behaviour is not OK, that I can absolutely see similarities with his father and I will no way be enabling it like his mother, that if he can't recognise and articulate when he is hungry, tired or anxious then he needs to do some serious self development work, and that his behaviour is bordering on dysfunctional emotional abuse.

He agreed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Skeroooerrat · 07/02/2021 15:22

I think all moody people have a choice and they can say - 'I'm really sorry I'm feeling rubbish I think I should be alone upstairs /go out for a run etc rather than bring everyone down with my mood. Then I'll feel better and be able to engage in a personable and kind way. Do excuse me'

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 07/02/2021 15:26

I absolutely take my hat off to you op. Star

CodenameVillanelle · 07/02/2021 15:28

His behaviour is full on emotional abuse. He's not going to fix himself in 6 weeks even if he wanted to and knew how.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 15:31

You’re doing the right thing. Well done for realising what’s going on and deciding you’ve had enough.

I think 6 weeks might be a bit long but up to you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 15:36

"I've said im giving it 6 weeks, that I'm going to keep a log and if he can't do any self development work and it doesnt change I don't want him to live with us any longer. And I absolutely mean it".

Oh I do not doubt that you mean it but that was a mistake on your part to give him another 6 weeks at all. He sees you as a soft hearted sap of a woman who has given him another chance. He should have been told to move out today. Where he goes is not your problem.

My guess is that he will become all sweetness and light towards you for the next 6 weeks and at some time after that he will revert to type. He will put on a good act for you and show a semblance of improvement now but it will not be maintained. His abusive nature is still there beneath him bubbling away.

YOU have a choice re this man OP, your children do not. Put them front and centre of your life now, not this man.

WitchWife · 07/02/2021 15:37

Ooh well done OP! I have an ex like this and it's so so upsetting and almost chilling how they just flip over into monosyllabic sulk. He always used to say it wasn't "AT me" and he couldn't help it, but it was horrible and also embarrassing if other people were around. One of the reasons I eventually LTB.

A friend of mine describes it as how some people decide they can "make the weather" for the household - that their moods should dominate the day and affect everyone around them. As a PP said - many special occasions have been ruined or near ruined by a family member who tends towards this. Your boyfriend needs to take a bloody hard look at himself and ask himself why he feels he has that right.

(And yes I totally agree we all got cross/sad/worried but there are ways of dealing with it e.g. saying "I'm really sorry I just need to go and hang out on my own for a bit" or going for a walk or whatever.)

Wanderlusto · 07/02/2021 15:45

Might be wise to consider why you are justifying his inappropriate behaviour as 'oh he is hungry/tiered' ect... these are not excuses!

You really need to be cateful, especially having beinggroo.ed by an abuser before that you do not fall into this pattern of looking for reasons to excuse unacceptable behaviour.

It isnt ok. You arent ok with it. And you have every right not to be ok with not ok behaviour.

Side note- Normal grown adults do not take huffs and roll eyes at people. Theres something rotten with him. At the very least, her him out of your home and away from your kids.

Wanderlusto · 07/02/2021 15:46

*being groomed
*get him out

Bananalanacake · 07/02/2021 16:08

Why bother living with him, you can still see him but live separately.

nevernotstruggling · 07/02/2021 16:18

Wow op I think you've done the right thing absolutely. You are strong x

category12 · 07/02/2021 16:19

He agreed, he's got 6 weeks.

What's he actually going to do?
How are you going to measure success?
What happens if he behaves himself for 6 weeks and then gradually backslides?