Should I tell her they call her the Bunny Boiler?

[IsIgnoranceBliss]

Long story, short - should I tell a friend that others don’t trust her and are calling her a “bunny boiler” because of her behaviour around married men? Or should I keep out of her business?

I’ve name changed for this, in case the people concerned recognise themselves, even though their names and some details have been changed.

There is a woman, Anna, that I used to work with until about a year ago. We were work friends and have kept in contact throughout the lockdown, with weekly phone catch-ups - largely for company during the lockdown, not because we are especially close although I enjoy her company. Anna is early-forties, long-term single but want to meet someone and ideally have a child. She has shared stories with me about her online dating exploits and about various men she has been keen on. She is very keen on a man called Tom, who she said is in an unhappy marriage, but she thinks he will be leaving his wife and has hopes for a relationship with him. I told her that I believe she should wait until he is formally separated before trying to start anything, but it is clear that she has very strong feelings for him and she is trying to get closer to him, which I don’t approve of.

I had a catch-up with another friend, Barbara, who happens to know Anna though a volunteering activity (which is allowed to continue through the pandemic). I mentioned that I was having regular calls with Anna, and Barbara referred to her as “the bunny boiler”. From Barbara’s point of view (and apparently of some of the other women in the group), Anna has had intense obsessions about a few married men in the group, has a tendency to play the “damsel in distress” with men to get their attention and can be too touchy freely with some of them (less so since social distancing came in). To be honest, I have seen Anna behave in a similar way when we worked together and can see how it might look for a single woman to behave the way she does with men - but can also see that it could be viewed as Anna just being friendly. Barbara says that some of the wives exclude Anna from some activities (pre-Covid) as her behaviour makes them uncomfortable and they think she is desperate for a man and seems to even prefer men who are already in relationships.

Tom is in the same volunteer group and Barbara said Anna was embarrassing herself and Tom with her behaviour around him. This included regularly asking Tom out for drinks (outside of lockdown) without his wife, with the excuse of a shared interest in football, confiding in him about her relationship issues, and messaging him a lot. Anna has told me she has done this and doesn’t see a problem with it because they are friends. Barbara believes that Tom is happily married and Anna is just obsessed with him.

Barbara also said that Anna’s behaviour around Tom, the other men she has been infatuated with and generally the men in the group, mean that she is not trusted. Anna is now self-employed in a role where trust is important (something like counselling) so not being seen as trustworthy could affect Anna professionally.

Do I say anything to Anna? It isn’t my business and also I don’t want to hurt her, but I am worried that her personal and professional reputation will be damaged if she’s not careful and feel I should she should know.

Sorry that was long.

@Mittens030869

You cannot fix someone who does not want to be fixed.

^This. It's Anna's problem to solve not yours.

Thank you - this is helpful. So when people say something like “why didn’t you warn me” after they have done something you could have warned them about, they don’t mean it?

@SoulofanAggron

I wouldn't say 'bunny boiler.' You could tell her how some other women feel (without naming names) as that might mean she changes what she's doing and has closer friendships etc, which presumably would be nice for her.

Anna is now self-employed in a role where trust is important (something like counselling) so not being seen as trustworthy could affect Anna professionally.

Unless she's charged with a crime or something, what she does unless it's with a client or against some rules where she works won't effect her professional life.

I know, sadly, because my ex is a therapist (not mine) and the above is the policy of the BACP, they don't deal with 'personal matters.'

The impact on her professionally would be loss of business because people would not use her services and would not recommend her to others, and she relies on word of mouth recommendations. Not a professional disciplinary situation - apologies if that wasn’t clear. It is something less regulated - more like coaching.

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Hi OP I've replied to the other thread.. and then found this one :grin: From my personal experience (with an autistic BF and several similar friends as mentioned on the other thread) autistic people are problem solvers and very caring. This means that they get anxious if they see someone they care about potentially getting hurt and try to fix it.

However - you cannot fix someone who does not want to be fixed.

You're seeing things through your OWN lens. Where if you did something socially unacceptable you would want to be told , because you are genuinely unsure.

However most people are 100% aware of the morality and impact of what they are doing, whether they claim otherwise or not. They lie to themselves and to other people to justify it. They carry on regardless of the impact and don't appreciate you telling them what they already know. Sooner or later they will face the consequences. Unless you are some sort of authority figure or very close to the person (i.e. childhood friend of 10 years etc) or they have done the same for you - it is best to leave people to themselves. Just remember that it is not your fault when stuff happens :) you are a good friend

they already know - this point has really hit me, thank you. I’m really not sure about being friends with someone who knows they are doing wrong.

Anna has said she is feeling low and has no one else to talk to. Is it better than I cut her off because I don’t want to be friends with someone who knows she is doing wrong or should I try to support her while shutting down all mentions of her relationships? Other posters have said I’m not her friend anyway if I am judging her behaviour even if I find it immoral.

Could cheese or one of the other kind poster who are familiar with autistic traits help me understand how changing’s comment is not seen as judgmental but my concern which is real and not “faux” for my friend is? Or does changing have double standards?

I'm not autistic myself, OP, but my DB has been diagnosed recently as autistic and my DD1 (11) has SEN, with what seem to be autistic traits. (She has a very black and white view of the world, and gets particularly upset if she thinks someone has lied to her.)

I would definitely say that comments from HelloThere and Changing are judgemental and also very unkind. But you need to be aware that some people in RL will see it like they do, but won't say it. You do tend to get brutal honesty on here.

To clarify my earlier remark, I don't think Anna needs you to say anything. She's well aware of what she's doing and has even been open about wanting a relationship with Tom. So you'll be better off not getting involved. In my opinion anyway.

Thank you Mittens. I welcome honesty from those posters, but it seems to be double standards to criticise someone for being judgemental when they are doing it themselves.

Most people are saying don’t tell Anna, and you and others have helpfully pointed out that she is already aware of what she is doing so doesn’t need to be told.

I think she’s used the damsel in distress act a bit with me about being lonely and misunderstood. I felt sorry for her when I thought she didn’t realise what what she was doing with Tom but the comments here have confirmed to me that she is probably being manipulative by trying to get him to confide in her as an impartial friend when she actually wants a relationship with him.

I've walked away from a friend when I just couldn't put up with her behaviour, similar to Anna's, any more.

I didn't want to hear her moan about her life when she was carrying on with a man in a relationship.