Long story, short - should I tell a friend that others don’t trust her and are calling her a “bunny boiler” because of her behaviour around married men? Or should I keep out of her business?
I’ve name changed for this, in case the people concerned recognise themselves, even though their names and some details have been changed.
There is a woman, Anna, that I used to work with until about a year ago. We were work friends and have kept in contact throughout the lockdown, with weekly phone catch-ups - largely for company during the lockdown, not because we are especially close although I enjoy her company. Anna is early-forties, long-term single but want to meet someone and ideally have a child. She has shared stories with me about her online dating exploits and about various men she has been keen on. She is very keen on a man called Tom, who she said is in an unhappy marriage, but she thinks he will be leaving his wife and has hopes for a relationship with him. I told her that I believe she should wait until he is formally separated before trying to start anything, but it is clear that she has very strong feelings for him and she is trying to get closer to him, which I don’t approve of.
I had a catch-up with another friend, Barbara, who happens to know Anna though a volunteering activity (which is allowed to continue through the pandemic). I mentioned that I was having regular calls with Anna, and Barbara referred to her as “the bunny boiler”. From Barbara’s point of view (and apparently of some of the other women in the group), Anna has had intense obsessions about a few married men in the group, has a tendency to play the “damsel in distress” with men to get their attention and can be too touchy freely with some of them (less so since social distancing came in). To be honest, I have seen Anna behave in a similar way when we worked together and can see how it might look for a single woman to behave the way she does with men - but can also see that it could be viewed as Anna just being friendly. Barbara says that some of the wives exclude Anna from some activities (pre-Covid) as her behaviour makes them uncomfortable and they think she is desperate for a man and seems to even prefer men who are already in relationships.
Tom is in the same volunteer group and Barbara said Anna was embarrassing herself and Tom with her behaviour around him. This included regularly asking Tom out for drinks (outside of lockdown) without his wife, with the excuse of a shared interest in football, confiding in him about her relationship issues, and messaging him a lot. Anna has told me she has done this and doesn’t see a problem with it because they are friends. Barbara believes that Tom is happily married and Anna is just obsessed with him.
Barbara also said that Anna’s behaviour around Tom, the other men she has been infatuated with and generally the men in the group, mean that she is not trusted. Anna is now self-employed in a role where trust is important (something like counselling) so not being seen as trustworthy could affect Anna professionally.
Do I say anything to Anna? It isn’t my business and also I don’t want to hurt her, but I am worried that her personal and professional reputation will be damaged if she’s not careful and feel I should she should know.
Sorry that was long.