Anyone else happy to be separated/divorced?

[fairypangolin]

I separated from my husband of almost 20 years this summer. He moved out but lives nearby and everything is relatively amicable (I try hard not to start any arguments). I am 47 and I have a good, secure job and have stayed in our house, which I love. We have 2 DC, 7 and 12. I asked for a separation because for most of the last 20 years he has had problems with depression, mania and substance abuse, in addition to being totally self-absorbed and emotionally immature. However, on some levels we totally connected and he was a good friend as well as a husband. He is witty, intelligent and charming, just deeply, fundamentally flawed.

Since the summer I have just felt better and better, despite the pandemic. Occasionally I miss adult human company and would really like to have a lover but given the pandemic I'm okay to wait. Overall I am revelling in the psychological freedom of no longer having to moderate my behaviour and thoughts every day to accommodate someone else who has such enormous problems, as well as constantly making up for the things he can't manage. This may sound harsh but believe me, I spent years trying to help him resolve his problems but he either unwilling to take the necessary steps or in denial how deep his problems are. I just got to a point where I thought, am I going to waste the next 20 years of my life in this pointless struggle just so as to avoid divorce? NOOOOOO!

Anyone else feel like me? Most of what I read about separation and divorce is very negative and talks about pain and suffering. For me I feel as though I have been given my life back and I want to celebrate that!

Congratulations to anyone else who feels the same!!!

Yup. Divorce was one of the best things I've ever done.

I'm with you! Years of emotional and financial abuse takes its toll...I had to give up trying too. Flogging a dead horse there!

I've been separated for over 4 years, divorce delayed and delayed because he's still a controlling arse and cannot FATHOM why I utterly detest him. Surely I must have been having an affair, otherwise I would NEVER have left him...?

I agree, the psychological freedom is incredible. I'm myself again. He made it so hard to finally leave but I'm so bloody happy I did. And yes I do get lonely but my God, I'd rather be a bit lonely every now and then, than be trapped in that marriage.

My kids are amazing too. We're all just content. It's peaceful and it's lovely.

The pain and suffering comes with online dating ;)

God yes. He was mildly irritating. We married when I was 27 and he was 24. I'm now 49. I literally would have wanted to bury the bastard if I was still married to him now. Especially during this Pandemic. We split up 10 years ago. I had a period of shagging much younger men for a little while and am now very happily single.

Note: some folk will tell you that happily single doesn't exist. Believe me, it does.

Good to hear, BatshitCrazyWoman and constantreader! Yes, our house is much more peaceful and content now, although the kids do occasionally wish their dad was around, they are forgetting the black cloud he cast over us. And WunWun, yes! I dipped a toe into online dating in January out of boredom, went on a couple of socially distanced dates with one fellow who only wanted a serious relationship (and was pretty boring TBH), so that's over. Messaged with a couple of other blokes a couple of times but it really wasn't worth it. What's the point of exchanging polite conversation with men I don't know? I'm waiting until the pandemic is over and there's more realistic opportunity to meet people in person.

Yes totally. While I regret not being kinder to my ex during the breakup, i dont at all regret breaking up with him. My dc is much happier too.

I'm glad to hear it, CallistoSol and MattTebbutsForearms! I wouldn't mind a period of shagging much younger men but that will have to wait.

I know the received wisdom is that people these days rush into divorce too easily and don't give marriages the work they need. Honestly I think for most people that is not the case. I wish someone had sat down with me years ago and said, "You are unhappy, he is making you unhappy, you have a right to be happy and that is good enough to end this." Instead I thought my job was to constantly try to make things right even when he so evidently would not do his part.

I am fortunate in that financially and in terms of kids and jobs I was able to achieve my freedom, I know that others are not so fortunate.

No - a weight lifted off me as soon as he moved out.

Happily single in a much happier calmer house with my two dd

Yes, I love it!

In many ways, Ex-husband wasn't a bad person. We probably met too young and drifted apart, plus my postnatal mental health didn't help as it changed our dynamic.

However, I'm so much happier now. I'm independent, have a career, plenty of friends and feel like I'm living rather than existing. Unfortunately, Ex-husband has shown a rather nasty side at times and seems annoyed by my success (mostly he thinks I'm "living on his money" because he resents paying maintenance). He's not been great to the kids either about me and they don't like that.

I also don't think people rush to divorce either. I know I stayed too long and other people have said the same after divorce. I think it's more that years ago there was a bit of a stigma associated with it.

3 years ago I left and never had any regrets. There is indeed lift after divorce 😊

My exH left five and a half years ago. The moment he walked out of the door, I truly felt freer and happier than I had for years. I've never looked back.

I'm now with someone i totally adore, and who loves me too. He's a real partner to me, not a deadweight for me to carry.

Divorce is a wonderful thing!

I’m with you - really glad to be divorced and much happier on my own! I still have to communicate frequently with exH, as we share young children, and when he says/ does shitty things I thank my lucky stars we’re not together.

Have tried a bit of OLD without much success so far but I’m really not that bothered!

Divorce was the best thing for me and I thank the girl he cheated on me with. She did me a favour! (I actually did say thank you )

Very happily divorced and very happily single now. Zero interest in dating/relationships etc. - there is nothing they can offer me. Been divorced for 10 years and even though i was beyond sad initially, i have never regretted it and wish i had had the guts to get out sooner.

Nearly 10 years single and still happy! No treading on eggshells, no worrying about his moods, no mental gymnastics needed to keep me in a disaster of a relationship. FREE 😂😂😂😂

I would highly recommend divorce for anyone who no longer wants to be married to a useless/abusive fuck. It's brilliant.

Omg yes. I'm remarried now but my ex husband I was ecstatic to be divorced from. No cleaning up after him like another child. No walking on egg shells, no lying to health professionals about hospital visits, etc. No money worries. Best thing I ever did divorcing that tosser.

Yup. Life is sooooo much better. I stayed FAR too long. It was wall to wall abuse and coercion.

I’m only 7 months out, and still wrangling over finances but every day I wake up feeling just that bit calmer, and a bit more ‘me’.

Just dipped my toe into OLD and only seem to have found fans in the over 70s group! Urgh. (I’m 50s)

Lived it! From the minute he moved out. Been.divorced 7 years now...remarried. Dcs are adults. I am totally non contact...he is blocked on my phone and email, and I live 300 miles away. I will never have to see him.again or hear his patronising voice.

Yes!
No more walking on eggshells when he comes back from the pub drunk.

No more bruises or feeling controlled. No more debt,the day i paid the last repayment I was so proud of myself.

I have freedom,peace and my confidence back.

No man will ever treat me like that again

Yes! Separated 3.5 years and feel like a massive weight has lifted off my shoulders. I also stayed far too long.

Yes! No more anxiety. No more walking on eggshells. No more dreading what mood he'd be in. No more worrying about money (he'd drink it all). No more insults. Plenty more friends. Excellent sex life. Lots of trips (before Covid) as he hated travelling. In fact he only hated it to spite me, as he now travels, well he did before Covid. No more slaving in the kitchen for a meal not to be touched. No more cleaning after a man child. My home remains nice and tidy. Lots of laughing and loving. Best thing I ever did. My only regret is having waited so long before my light bulb moment.

Yes. He was useless and resentful and it was like a load being lifted when he left (boot firmly up backside). My friends said I even looked different.

Never regretted it.

This is just such a wonderful thread to read. I hear all of you, particularly those who mention money and walking on eggshells. My ex left all money management to me and just spent what he liked. I was the higher earner for most of our marriage but this meant I could never spend what I wanted on myself or make the decisions I wanted to make. It has been such a liberation to be able to look at my bank accounts every day and have no surprises!

Re walking on eggshells and not appreciating cooking and cleaning - yes, yes yes! Also I thought our house was always messy and dirty because of the kids, turns out it was mostly him! Basically everything in our lives together that bothered me, he would turn into "you have too high standards/you are unfair to me/I can't be expected to remember to do that/you are a hypocrite". Why not just take off your bloody shoes when you come in? Is that so hard?

I honestly think women are still conditioned in society to think that a husband is a DIY project and with your patient, calm support, he will give you what you need. Some women are smart enough or not that way inclined or luck out and get a gem. I just wish my 25 year old self had had more self-confidence to listen to the warning signals and ignore the "romance". Oh well, at least I got two wonderful kids out of it!