Anyone else happy to be separated/divorced?

[fairypangolin]

I separated from my husband of almost 20 years this summer. He moved out but lives nearby and everything is relatively amicable (I try hard not to start any arguments). I am 47 and I have a good, secure job and have stayed in our house, which I love. We have 2 DC, 7 and 12. I asked for a separation because for most of the last 20 years he has had problems with depression, mania and substance abuse, in addition to being totally self-absorbed and emotionally immature. However, on some levels we totally connected and he was a good friend as well as a husband. He is witty, intelligent and charming, just deeply, fundamentally flawed.

Since the summer I have just felt better and better, despite the pandemic. Occasionally I miss adult human company and would really like to have a lover but given the pandemic I'm okay to wait. Overall I am revelling in the psychological freedom of no longer having to moderate my behaviour and thoughts every day to accommodate someone else who has such enormous problems, as well as constantly making up for the things he can't manage. This may sound harsh but believe me, I spent years trying to help him resolve his problems but he either unwilling to take the necessary steps or in denial how deep his problems are. I just got to a point where I thought, am I going to waste the next 20 years of my life in this pointless struggle just so as to avoid divorce? NOOOOOO!

Anyone else feel like me? Most of what I read about separation and divorce is very negative and talks about pain and suffering. For me I feel as though I have been given my life back and I want to celebrate that!

Congratulations to anyone else who feels the same!!!

Absolutely best decision I have ever made.

I am so glad to read (most of) these posts! For those who are struggling with separation/divorce because they didn't want it or it's having unfortunate consequences for children and finances, I totally get that. For me I am lucky and I had years to emotionally and mentally prepare, even if I was in a bit of denial about how I really felt.

I think a lot of my hesitation came out of not wanting to be "someone whose marriage ended in divorce". I am not sure why because I have no moral or religious objections to it and neither did my family. I think it was because it seemed like an admission of failure, which I have always had trouble with. Now I am able to honestly say the failure for the most part lies with him, I did everything I could. I can only say this now that I am on my own and have gained some objectivity. At the time I was brainwashed to some extent by the narrative he presented, ie that I was unreasonable and too demanding.

I also agree that it is important not to inadvertently give children the message that relationships should be troubled and unhappy. Also that they will do better with a parent who is happy than one who is unhappy, even if that means not living in a nuclear family.

@NotMyPremium I also had the issue with my ex being totally passive about everything. He would not even buy the dog a new lead without my express instructions. Then he would accuse me of being controlling and bossy! Everything in our lives he turned into a tug of war with me or his projections of me. I have heard that is is possible to have a relationship where it is not constantly difficult, I am looking forward to this! :-)

@EarthSight he was in IT but has since given it up because he lost interest (which I understand). I don't see much connection between that and his character problems though I haven't thought much about it.

I've stopped ticking the 'divorced' box on insurance etc and just put 'single', as that's how I consider myself.

Personally I don't think it's harmed dd at all, we're very close and she thinks that's different to many of her mates with parents still together, so she sees the benefit as well.

She was very upset initially though, as she wasn't aware of anyone else in her peer group in the same position. That quickly changed ....

Separated July 2016, divorced October 2017.

I cannot even begin to imagine how things would have been over the last year with a global pandemic and the family issues I've been dealing with.

So relieved to be settled in my home with DD.

I think the impact on the kids really is dependent on how things go down. It's been shit for me but I've worked so hard to minimise the impact on them and keep things civil. And that's not to say those that haven't or couldn't are wrong, it's just the ins and outs of our situation and the people involved. Our kids have had a very organic and smooth transition, in part helped by lockdown.

I agree that showing them positive outcomes and standing up for yourself and your self respect and self worth is hugely important. I have two daughters and I want them to know they shouldn't feel defined by having a partner.

My ex of 5 years is still a lovely man, just not the right one. I'm happier and we co-parent well. There have been two occasions where we have taken our daughter on foreign holidays together, especially last year because we knew that we wouldn't be able to take separately. It's not been easy to get here. I recall foul text messages early on. But we do try hard for our daughter and she doesn't seem to have suffered which was the main aim.

@fairypangolin

"He would not even buy the dog a new lead without my express instructions. Then he would accuse me of being controlling and bossy! Everything in our lives he turned into a tug of war with me or his projections of me. I have heard that is is possible to have a relationship where it is not constantly difficult, I am looking forward to this! :-)"

I never knew exH thought me controlling until after he left. I mean I am in a way, because nothing would ever ever have got done or happened. Like your example with the dog lead, if I didn't suggest or facilitate it, it didn't happen. After the split we got into an argument over contact and he shouted at me that he didn't have to be pushed around by me anymore. I would have LOVED him to take some initiative or even offer an opinion when I asked. He never did.

I am in a relationship now that flows nicely and works well. Still have to pinch myself lol.

Fucking thrilled! Left a 20 year abusive, controlling marriage to a marcissist a year or so ago. Beyond happy being single and plan to never live with a man again. I adore having my own (rental) place with my kids and getting to adult freely.

The impact on my kids has been devastating as a controlling narc was awarded them 50:50. Seven years on a
and again he is applying for even more custody.

I don't think a truly controlling narc would give up his kids freely?

I would be interested to know... for those of you that say divorce is the best thing you ever did...did you lose your kids for a substantial amount of time too?

@Nicknamegoeshere I feel for you. Must be heartbreaking.

I'm in the fortunate position that my kids are older. Just waiting for the youngest to reach adulthood really in order to avoid any wrangles over children.

@theleafandnotthetree Sounds very similar. Definitely got some fog going on. But feel much more at peace having made a decision and a timeline. Dh knows it's on the cards and seems happy to put his head in the sand which makes it easier.

@Nicknamegoeshere

I would be interested to know... for those of you that say divorce is the best thing you ever did...did you lose your kids for a substantial amount of time too?

Well I didn't lose them as such, I reluctantly agreed to 50/50. To be fair, as I was the one who instigated the separation, I was on the back foot and found it hard to argue against. And in my case it has mostly worked out ok for all of us.

@MiddlesexGirl It is. They were just 3 and 6 at the time. Both now have significant attachment issues.

Seven years on and the controlling ex is now taking me to court again, asking for more custody so I would just see them EOW. He's so controlling the kids are too scared not to go along with what he wants.

Yes I was abused throughout my marriage, but leaving him didn't make it stop.

My ex was abusive and controlling but not litigious. Once my DD turned 12, I said it was her decision whether she contacted him. She has sporadic contact but doesn't see him now. She's very able to see his behaviour, much better than me in fact. This has made her astute in judging people and she won't get involved with toxic people, making her school life so far quite smooth as she won't engage with shit.

He does still try and abuse me. Everytime j relent and engage again, I end up having to block him.

It was awful when he was able to see dd and he was emotionally abusive to her . If I had my time again, I would have stopped him seeing her. But I was terrified he would go to court and it's only really now that dd can properly describe what was happening and the effect on her .

@tootyfruitypickle Your daughter sounds like a credit to you

How I wish I could stop my ex-husband damaging my boys and turning them away from me. How I long for a life free of him.

I'm fighting in court, but it means now we will never afford to buy a house. It's all about conteol still.

My eldest is undergoing assessment for ASD (which I strongly believe he has), but ex refusing to accept him as anything but "normal.".

I know I will never be free of my ex, but I just want my sons back.

We have agreed on 50/50, I think that's fair I don't see it as losing them. I can't wait for a few days/nights to myself!

He was emotional abusive to me, and I don't agree with the way he parents them. But they aren't in danger in his care.

@MotherForker Ah fair play on you both for agreeing, I'm sure things will work out just fine.

I guess the difference with me is I knew 50/50 in my case would be detrimental, and how right I was.

He initially applied for full custody (as "revenge" for daring to leave him - he openly told me this), so I'm relieved that didn't happen. I mean I know logically it wouldn't, but that doesn't stop the threat from feeling very real.

I'm just dreading going back to court yet again.

@Nicknamegoeshere - mine is similar sadly, punishing me for ending the relationship by going for 50-50.

Unfortunately I do have legitimate concern about his parenting eg leaving them alone while he goes out, he barely engages with them & shouts/swears at DS. I don't feel I can agree to 50-50 in these circumstances.

We are no nearer agreement now, 16 months after splitting up and still living under the same roof.

@ProseccoThyme It is so hard isn't it? My ex also ignores the kids totally when they are at home, He works 24/7 because money is the most important thing to him. Always has been.

My 10 yo is now constantly wanting my attention when he comes home - as in all of the time.

But he presents as Disney Dad to everyone else of course.

And the racism/sexism that comes out of their mouths is awful.

He think there is a factory which churns out these nasty, narcissistic types - they seem widespread, unfortunately.

I am now very happily divorced and love my single life.

It wasn't instant relief or life affirming for me though.
I was devastated, crushed and honestly at my lowest I couldn't see how I would ever get through the separation and divorce process.
Despite everything it took me maybe two or three years to fall out of love and begin to move forward.
The thing that I really struggled with was not having him to turn to throughout the process, I know it sounds odd and I still can't really rationalise it. But it's hard when the person you would normally turn to for comfort and support is the very same person causing the pain and knowing that they are no longer there for you is hard.

I hope that makes sense.

But as I said I'm very happy with my lot these days

I'm happily in a new relationship and still on good terms with exh. Still to do the paperwork, haven't rushed as we aren't bothering with solicitors then covid hit!