Anyone else happy to be separated/divorced?

[fairypangolin]

I separated from my husband of almost 20 years this summer. He moved out but lives nearby and everything is relatively amicable (I try hard not to start any arguments). I am 47 and I have a good, secure job and have stayed in our house, which I love. We have 2 DC, 7 and 12. I asked for a separation because for most of the last 20 years he has had problems with depression, mania and substance abuse, in addition to being totally self-absorbed and emotionally immature. However, on some levels we totally connected and he was a good friend as well as a husband. He is witty, intelligent and charming, just deeply, fundamentally flawed.

Since the summer I have just felt better and better, despite the pandemic. Occasionally I miss adult human company and would really like to have a lover but given the pandemic I'm okay to wait. Overall I am revelling in the psychological freedom of no longer having to moderate my behaviour and thoughts every day to accommodate someone else who has such enormous problems, as well as constantly making up for the things he can't manage. This may sound harsh but believe me, I spent years trying to help him resolve his problems but he either unwilling to take the necessary steps or in denial how deep his problems are. I just got to a point where I thought, am I going to waste the next 20 years of my life in this pointless struggle just so as to avoid divorce? NOOOOOO!

Anyone else feel like me? Most of what I read about separation and divorce is very negative and talks about pain and suffering. For me I feel as though I have been given my life back and I want to celebrate that!

Congratulations to anyone else who feels the same!!!

How about those that just want their freedom back, even with a decent husband?

I'm 48 & almost shot of him.

I cannot wait.

He's an abusive, sexually incontinent, controlling, useless fucker.

I think the sadness comes when actually you don't want a divorce or you have to get a divorce because putting up with their behaviour would be unreasonable (but not life threatening). I had to get a divorce, but i didn't want one at the time i just felt there was no other option. I was sad at the loss of my family unit and for my children and it all blew up very suddenly.
After several years and many more discoveries and after the painful and costly court for children and finances, I am relieved not to have to put up with ex's, at best lies, at worst emotional torture...although thats not true...but there is a distance there. I pity whomever he uses next and I am glad I am divorced, but still sad he wasn't who I thought he was and that my children have to go between two houses.

I understand that, TheNortherner. For me it was something I had been mentally preparing for over years and it has gone quite smoothly so the process of separation itself hasn't been hard. One benefit of having taken care of all the administration/finances/organising in our joint lives is that it made no difference to me when he left.

I have had moments when watching family TV shows and at Christmas where I felt sad for what could have been. I also sometimes feel very sad that what I built my life around the last 20 years turned out to be so hollow. And when the kids say they wish daddy was here that does make me feel for them. But I know in time they will understand my decision.

My divorce after a 20 year marriage was the best thing ever. I realised I just cannot live with other people, they stifle me.

I have recently told my partner of 16 years that I want to separate but he hasn’t moved out yet. I was so sure I wanted him to go and was really looking forward to never being in a serous relationship again, but the reality of how skint me and the kids will be is really starting to sink in. I’m not sure what worse living with someone who is controlling and constantly annoyed and huffy or being alone and very, very poor!

🙋‍♀️

Discovery of his betrayal 7 months ago, separated 4 months ago, he moved out 1 month ago!

I think I've done all my processing and after an initial period of being so tired from it all and adjusting, I'm feeling great!

We're getting on well which helps, but when I'm at his for the kids,I find I'm back where I was, and on edge a bit, so I'm glad you away from it.

Good to read this. Decree Nisi has been issued and we are a few weeks away from stbxh moving out. I swing between looking forward, stoically accepting it as the right decision (it was my choice to separate) and feeling sad.

I get twinges of wondering if I should have tried harder, or my expectation was too much, or just sad that I'm 39 and starting all over. It feels like such a waste of 15 years. I definitely should have left sooner.

I'm worried about being lonely, but not sure I can face another relationship.

Yes! Separated 18 months ago and divorced end of last year. I bought my first home which I’m currently renovating myself, I’ve learned so much and feel so empowered when I achieve something and I’ve learned so many skills. We only ever rented when together and he never wanted to do anything in the home, but wouldn’t commit to buying. I have so much more energy and enthusiasm for life. My friends and family comment I have my sparkle back. Yes accepting what I thought was my life partnership was over at 30 was very hard and it was pretty miserable at the start of covid last year but it has been so worth it!

I. Cant. Wait.
Decree Nisi granted last month and can apply for the Absolute next month. Sadly still stuck under the same roof as we haven’t been able to sell the house ...
it will be wonderful when I can put all this behind me.

This is good to hear. I have just split up from DH, possible cheating but I’m devastated, together for 36 years married for 31. I celebrate my 50th birthday in a few weeks.

I don’t know what it’s like to be independent or single. At this time it just seems the future looks like a lonely place. It’s nice to hear these stories.

Oh yes, I'm about 5 years out of the marriage, and it still gives me the happies when I remember i don't have to put up with his shit any more.

The kids adapted really well and have flourished.

Hmmm, well I must admit there are times where I do feel sad and miss the man I married. However (!) I do not miss the person he turned into (alcohol/substance addict and all the crap that comes with that!). He started seeing a “friend” of mine during a time we were meant to be sorting things out and working on marriage (ruined by all the shit involved with alcohol/substance abuse), so that pissed that up the wall.

In general though, I felt more peaceful and content from when he left. After all, i didn’t have to put up with all his nonsense. [oh and when he/OW split 4m after he fucked off with her, and she actually came crying to me (allegedly he then buggered off with her sister for the night - seriously, you couldn’t make this shit up!), I told her to bloody well keep him and share him with her sister. Actually, I didn’t think I’d laughed so much in a long time as I did that night!!!]

We actually get on ok and amicably now, which is good as I feel it’s better for the kids. But I’m quite happy being single/separated. The feeling of peace and having a calm and peaceful home is priceless :)

Interesting thread. I'm going through divorce now but as @TheNortherner said it's sad when you feel there is no option. I couldn't continue to live as we were as my husband kept running up large debts behind my back. The 5th time he don't this last may and I found out it was about 8k I realised he wouldn't ever change. I was working all hours as was he to pay it all back and I'd been in this debt cycle for years only none of it was stuff I had agreed to buy or wanted he also drinks every night to excess. I felt and do feel I'd been pushed to my limit of tolerance. I'd been trying for about 2 years to keep going when my heart wanted out.
Anyway we have been living together and it's been awful. He's moving out next month and our house is on market I'm shitting myself as I'm going to be skint very skint. But I can't go back to how things were and after 15 years I know he won't change. I hope I feel OK soon I have felt sad for a year.
My kids keep me happy and I hope they come out of this OK. Good to know its worked out for othes give me hope

Happily divorced here too, although not single. I mentally checked out years before the end so moved on very quickly.

ExH isn't a bad man at all, and we get on ok, he even came for Christmas. But I'm so glad we're not married anymore. He was like having a grown up child. I had to be in charge of everything and make every little suggestion. Zero initiative. Nothing ever got down without me repeatedly asking. It took 3 years from having the bathroom done to him finally painting the bloody ceiling!

Now I mention to DP that something needs looking at and he's got a tool box in his hand before I've finished! We feel like a real team and partnership too. I never felt like exH and I were equals at all. He even admitted after the split that we became my child. Looking back I can see early on that he wanted the good little wife and mother at home.

Can't tell you my story but a friend of mine loved the atmosphere of her house when her partner left.

totally self-absorbed and emotionally immature

What does he do for a living btw?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My divorce after a 20 year marriage was the best thing ever. I realised I just cannot live with other people, they stifle me.

This is me. Though the kids are OK. I feel like (in normal times) there are so many things that I'd like to do but they'd annoy him so I don't bother. And like another pp, we have things which need doing in the house which have been that way for years.

The longer I am divorced the more I love it!

ExH was an egotistical cheater who got his fun by criticising me and telling me how inadequate I was - presumably to justify his cheating to himself. Not having to ever pay any attention to him again is a huge relief and a burden off my shoulders.

I never ever want to be in a relationship again, I prize my freedom far too much even though it came late in life.

The only thing that I miss is having a bigger house and more money. I've spent time retraining and working part time, so after covid will be able to earn some decent money, and can work on saving for a house move.

I missed the company in the beginning, and like someone else met a few much younger men for a while.

The more time passes, the more I appreciate my own company and not having to share with someone or compromise.

We split 10 years ago this year.

@MiddlesexGirl

How about those that just want their freedom back, even with a decent husband?

I guess I fall into that category, my ex-husband was very annoying and I didn't love him towards the end but he was and is not a bad person at all and we had some very good times when we were together (if not necessarily great times together, if that makes sense). But ultimately, I just think I prefer to be my own person, live alone as an adult, not have to consider or wrangle with someone else all the time when the payoff from that was quite minimal versus the sacrifices. While I love being around other people for company and conversation, I don't feel the need for it all or even most of the time and am perhaps quite fussy about who that person is. We have a 50/50 arrangement with the children so I have lots of free time to really enjoy my life as an independent person. On bad days I miss the children terribly and especially feel bad for them to have to live across two homes, on a good day I think I absolutely have the best of both worlds and am a very lucky woman

No I regret it because of the damage it's caused to my children. I wish I'd have stayed and suffered tbh! There are moments I'm pleased I left but the consequences in my situation were huge. I wish I could enjoy my new life and hopefully one day I will...

@Rosiedo

This is good to hear. I have just split up from DH, possible cheating but I’m devastated, together for 36 years married for 31. I celebrate my 50th birthday in a few weeks.

I don’t know what it’s like to be independent or single. At this time it just seems the future looks like a lonely place. It’s nice to hear these stories.

I would say in my experience, the lows will be awful and the moments of loneliness will likely be very bad. BUT, the good bits and the highs and the achievements will be so much better because they will be what you yourself want and will be the sweeter for being things you have made happen for yourself. When I was married it was fine but I felt I was in a bit of a fog and not really living fully because there was this giant lie in the middle of it that I didn't love my husband. When we separated, it was like the fog cleared and all of life - the good bits and bad bits were fully there and I had to deal with them. It was bracing and scary but also envigorating and exciting ultimately. You have a future ahead of you that looks nothing like what you might have expected or hoped for but it is your future to shape how you like, with the support and company of good friends and family there is every chance that you will live as good and satisfying a life as anyone else. And a little romance might be on the cards too, I have met some lovely men and had some lovely relationships which were totally unpressurised and able to just be about fun and mutual enjoyment. When you're not trying to form a family unit with someone, the parameters are totally different and it's very freeing

@Nicknamegoeshere

No I regret it because of the damage it's caused to my children. I wish I'd have stayed and suffered tbh! There are moments I'm pleased I left but the consequences in my situation were huge. I wish I could enjoy my new life and hopefully one day I will...

I think this is something I still continue to grapple with and probably always will. It is naturally and quite rightly hard to separate out our own happiness from our childrens, even if we know rationally that equal or even greater damage might have been caused by staying. But we don't get to see the video reel of that, only the reality we are living in. I think thoughts and moments of regret, sadness and doubt are part of life and shouldn't be denied, but ultimately we have to get on with the path we chose and make the best of it.

@Nicknamegoeshere I think staying and suffering isn't an option either, as I don't want my dc thinking this is a normal relationship. I want them to know that if you are unhappy in a relationship or someone treats you badly it is ok to leave.

Yep me, separated nearly 3 years, we've finally sorted finances and the house is now sold, and divorce application just about to go in (I'm in Scotland so divorce is very quick when finances are sorted).
I'd put up with years of crap, and it was liberating finally being free of him. I'm with someone else now, and I am the happiest I've been in years