Anyone else happy to be separated/divorced?

[fairypangolin]

I separated from my husband of almost 20 years this summer. He moved out but lives nearby and everything is relatively amicable (I try hard not to start any arguments). I am 47 and I have a good, secure job and have stayed in our house, which I love. We have 2 DC, 7 and 12. I asked for a separation because for most of the last 20 years he has had problems with depression, mania and substance abuse, in addition to being totally self-absorbed and emotionally immature. However, on some levels we totally connected and he was a good friend as well as a husband. He is witty, intelligent and charming, just deeply, fundamentally flawed.

Since the summer I have just felt better and better, despite the pandemic. Occasionally I miss adult human company and would really like to have a lover but given the pandemic I'm okay to wait. Overall I am revelling in the psychological freedom of no longer having to moderate my behaviour and thoughts every day to accommodate someone else who has such enormous problems, as well as constantly making up for the things he can't manage. This may sound harsh but believe me, I spent years trying to help him resolve his problems but he either unwilling to take the necessary steps or in denial how deep his problems are. I just got to a point where I thought, am I going to waste the next 20 years of my life in this pointless struggle just so as to avoid divorce? NOOOOOO!

Anyone else feel like me? Most of what I read about separation and divorce is very negative and talks about pain and suffering. For me I feel as though I have been given my life back and I want to celebrate that!

Congratulations to anyone else who feels the same!!!

@Nicknamegoeshere

I would be interested to know... for those of you that say divorce is the best thing you ever did...did you lose your kids for a substantial amount of time too?

No. We came to an amicable agreement. Eow for him, 1 night midweek and he also gets Friday night in my weekend although if I want the full weekend I can have it. Plus time in the holidays. We were in full agreement and there was never any question of me not being the resident parent.

Congrats op, you sound like you have it made. Although divorce was fraught and upsetting for me it was also completely liberating to be me again and not feel responsible for another adult!

I guess a lot of it depends on the person you divorce and whether they are accepting of it / willing to work with you.

We told our dc today. They both cried, but hopefully they come to see its for the best.

@Nicknamegoeshere, my ex is still controlling too, in every way he can get away with. You're right - the abuse doesn't just go away when you separate, unfortunately.

The good thing about not living under the same roof as him is at least it gives you a bit of physical distance from the abuse.

I just LOVE sliding the bolts on my front door at night, and turning my phone off.

I also don’t read anything that comes from him or my SHL after 4pm. Luckily the DCs are old enough to look after themselves.

My divorce cost me a fortune but worth every penny, I've never been happier!

Split from my husband in April 2018, he left the following month and divorce finalised January 2020.
Divorce was delayed as he ended up sectioned.

I was with my husband 19 yrs and married 17yrs - that was 16yrs too long. I should have left in year 1 but didnt as he threatened suicide and I was young and dumb.

Numerous emotional affairs, he liked the ego boost, spending addiction, lazy, acted like a child, but to the outside world was confident, amazing, a great dad and husband.

When I finally got rid of him people who didnt even know said I seemed happier and brighter. I thought I hid my crap marriage well.

He had our daughter during the week and I had her at weekends as she went to the school he worked at which was closer to his house than mine. Since Dec 2019 she has been with me and had limited contact with her Dad in 2020 due to him turning psycho, recently she has started overnight stays. DD is now 18 so can make her own decisions.

I am like a new person,life is great, ending my marriage lifted a weight from me that I never knew I carried.
I had the worst self esteem/confidence but that all changed when I joined dating sites and had a sexual revolution, I spent a year having loads of casual sex and it did wonders for my self esteem plus of course I was having the best sex of my life (most of the time).

I've now got a boyfriend (who was just an FWB) and our relationship is so different to my marriage, he knows I'll never live with anyone again or merge finances, we see each other a few times a week and other than that I have a busy and fulfilling life.i dont actually need aman but the sex is great and he thinks I'm amazing and its nice to have support.

And in terms of worrying what people thought of me being divorced before I was 40 - not one person cared.

Good luck to everyone on their journey🥰

Divorce is a wonderful thing!

I'm sure Heather Mills would agree with you but I've seen it seriosuly effect kids, leave people in dire finanial difficulty, and despite his wife cheating on him , it cost my brother half of everything he had and left him living in a coverted shipping container. It took a toll on his MH too and he's such a kind and lovely guy. He recovered financially but it left him with a harsh view of women, which is difficult to listen to.

@Pyewhacket Agreed. My ex-husband ruined me financially and continues to do so.

This thread is for people who might be considering leaving marriages but are worried about the future.

No one said divorces are great for everyone, there will always be casualties in every divorce but for some of us life is infinitely better.

This is a lovely thread! Thank you all

Obviously, lovely with a dose of realism...It’s good to see that life after divorce can be enormously positive, though, thanks.

@Pyewhacket but surely divorce was still better than him staying with someone who cheated on him?

@MotherForker My biggest regret is not staying until ex-husband hurt me physically. Things would have been mich better for myself and my kids then. I'm just being totally honest here.

@Nicknamegoeshere - no, my ex is not really interested in having the children, so he sees them the minimum amount of time I require of him. Obviously this is not ideal since they want to see him and eventually they will realise he isn't interested in or capable of developing any relationships with anyone beyond what he needs of them (ie an audience). Also it means I really don't get a break from looking after them. But overall I would prefer that to sharing them 50-50 or having a battle over them since I doubt he would take care of them very well.

Also I am very fortunate in that the separation process has gone very smoothly and my ex has not fought me on anything. But we do on a fundamental level trust each other so that helps. I really feel for all of you who have had to and are continuing to deal with exes who are controlling and abusive. That is so awful and my heart goes out to you.