Husband said it was my fault he left me

[CafeFleury]

My husband of 23 years and father of our 3 children packed up and left me 9 weeks ago. He went to live with his brother. I had no idea this was coming. I have since found out that he’d been having an affair with a younger colleague. I would never have believed he could do this.

He blamed me. He said things that I just can’t seem to overcome. He told me that he had to leave because I had become boring, overweight, he regretted marrying me, he’d never been happy and that I’d been a bad wife and if I’d been a good wife he wouldn’t be leaving.

Friends are shocked but reassured me that I’m a lovely person and I should ignore these insults. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get his words out of my head. No one has ever said things like this to me before. How could I not have noticed that he was miserable for so many years?

Can anyone suggest anything that might help?

Thank you.

I would say your husband would say anything to ease his conscience and paint him in a better picture. He’s a cheat end of .

Usually it is very selfish and self absorbed people will blame others for their own misery and shortfalls. It because their ego is too big.

So, in all honesty you are better off without him. It even sounds like you are blaming yourself a bit by wondering how you could not have notified him being miserable..it’s because he wasn’t miserable. He was perfectly happy going behind your back and cheating on you with a younger woman.

Listen to your friends. Don’t listen to the insults of a lying, selfish cheating soon to be ex.

God that must be tough. I'm so sorry.

I would guess he's trying to relieve himself of guilt by recreating the past. If he was that unhappy he'd have left years ago. Horrible thing to do, what a moron.

What an utter turd he is. He's going on the attack to make this your fault in his head (and yours) because he knows he's behaved despicably. He's afraid of you calling him out did what he is -an arsehole.

Get the best lawyer you can afford and get everything you can. Show him no mercy he deserves none.

I agree that he's trying to shift blame for him being an old fool and thinking he's gods gift when a younger woman looks in his direction.
If he can do that and call you all those horrid things then he's done you a favour in leaving.
It'll take time but forget his nonsense and believe in yourself and eventually find someone that deserves you.

It's a load of rubbish. He's too embarrassed to admit he's a pathetic middle aged stereotype, embodying every cliche in the book by following his dick to a much younger woman.

Absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you've done, OP.

Also

He wasn't miserable.
He's an arse who is using the script to a T.
If he continues to blame you, be sure to tell him every single fault he has. I'm sure he has plenty.

He probably has an OW. Do some digging!

• sorry op - just realised you already know this!

Look up DARVO - if no one else has already mentioned it x

He's trying to rewrite history so he can pretend he isn't a lying, cheating sack of shit.

I doubt it was your fault. If it was your fault and you were this evil person and your husband was perfect then he would just leave quietly. There is no need to tell you that its your fault, it accomplishes nothing. He is doing it for the reasons already mentioned but basically none of those reasons have anything to do with you.

Its known as the Script.
He is coming up with all kinds of BS to blame you rather than take responsibility himself.

Don’t give it another thought.He’s not worth it. He’s a cheating arsehole who is trying to shift the blame from himself to you. He wasn’t happy. He should not have looked for another woman, he should have spoken with you about it or left you and been single and been respectful. But he thought with his dick.

We’ll see how long she puts up with him. Don’t take him back if he does get dumped. He’s an arse.

Sounds like he is trying to justify his affair and assuage his guilt by rewriting history. It’s nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his clichéd affair with the younger colleague.

It is not your fault, and if he finds you boring what has he done to properly engage with you so you are both interesting together. How much effort has he made?

If he was a good husband he would not have cheated.

It's nothing you did. It is him blaming you instead of having the decency to apologise or accept that he is the one who has done wrong.
Sorry you are going through this, @CafeFleury.

He sounds like a horrible man. A decent person would never say these things even if they were true! Which they’re obviously not and he is just trying to justify his shitty and seedy behaviour.

Although it won’t seem like it now you will be strong and better off without such a negative presence in your life. Get yourself a good lawyer and make sure you and your DCs get what you deserve.

He’s a knob and trying to put the blame on you because he can’t admit his own guilt. 💐

He wasnt miserable. If he was he would have left long ago. Or said something. Proposed changes. But he did none of that because he was perfectly comfortable with you.

And for some reason he wants you to be miserable now. To hurt you. To break you. Why? Because he is not a normal person. He is a rotten one. Thats why. It's not good enough that he leaves you because he wants you so damaged that you won't look to date elsewhere, perhaps incase he ever wants to come back. Or perhaps just because to him, you're still his toy and he feels like it.

Either way, f*ck him.
Block him, he is toxic and now you are free!

Cheaters always say this kind of stuff to ease their own conscience. They tell you that you are bad so you think that you drove them to it. The likelihood is that nothing was true what he said and he was just bored or looking for a thrill and to ease his own conscience he will tell you things were really bad between you and you are this and that.
A friend of mine was told by her husband that she was overweight that's why he had an affair, the reality is she was a size 8-10 and the person he had the affair with larger

Ignore his lies. If he'd been a good husband he wouldn't have cheated on you and left.

He's trying to find ways to feel less guilty.

Can anyone suggest anything that might help

Yes. Recognise that it wasn't your fault. There are 2 things to consider here. The first is that the things he said are his opinions, not facts about you, or who you are. They are the opinions of an unfaithful, rude, insulting, disrespectful person who clearly doesn't have any intention of being kind to you. Why did he have to say anything at all? Because he needed to hurt you, and he knew how to do it. That's why these things have hit home; he knows your insecurities, and has deliberately hit you where he knew it would hurt. Ask yourself if you really want to be respecting the opinions of this kind of person, and if so, why? This is an internal job, for you; it's not about him.

The other thing is that even if all those things are true, he is still the one at fault. If a person is bored in their relationship, it is their responsibility to communicate this to their partner, in a non-hurtful way, and try to find a way to make things more interesting. If a person is no longer attracted to their partner due to physical changes, it is their responsibility to raise the issue, in a non-hurtful way, and try to find a way that both partners can deal with, to work it out.

His way of leaving says everything about him, and nothing about you, except that you have been an open partner with him, and allowed him to see where your vulnerabilities are. It's not your fault he's preyed on that.

Think about the most confident person you know (in person, on telly, whatever) and imagine them dealing with this. Imagine them saying 'You're trying to blame me for your cut and run, you man-child? Stick it in your pipe and smoke it. I've seen who you really are and it's a horrible picture. I will never look back.' Or however they'd be likely to phrase it. Get this voice in your head whenever you feel self doubt. Because self doubt is your enemy here.

You KNOW you did nothing wrong. You know it. Hold onto that. It is your truth, and more important to you than anything he, or anybody else, says. Dignity is your friend, and, often, silence in the face of insults is the friend of dignity.

How awful.
He's trying to justify his actions retrospectively - he did what he wanted and wants to clarify to you and everybody else that he's not a selfish dickhead. But he is both a dickhead and a spiteful bastard.
You are well shot.
Please don't consider taking him back. Take him to the cleaners instead.
And btw, what is a "bad wife"? One that didn't notice that he was lusting after the OW and stop him before it happened?