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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband said it was my fault he left me

97 replies

CafeFleury · 03/02/2021 17:52

My husband of 23 years and father of our 3 children packed up and left me 9 weeks ago. He went to live with his brother. I had no idea this was coming. I have since found out that he’d been having an affair with a younger colleague. I would never have believed he could do this.

He blamed me. He said things that I just can’t seem to overcome. He told me that he had to leave because I had become boring, overweight, he regretted marrying me, he’d never been happy and that I’d been a bad wife and if I’d been a good wife he wouldn’t be leaving.

Friends are shocked but reassured me that I’m a lovely person and I should ignore these insults. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get his words out of my head. No one has ever said things like this to me before. How could I not have noticed that he was miserable for so many years?

Can anyone suggest anything that might help?

Thank you.

OP posts:
PrinnyPree · 03/02/2021 20:06

OP murderers also blame their victims, it's always someone elses fault, they made me do it. He's a shitbag and you're well rid. X Flowers

letsdolunch321 · 03/02/2021 20:08

He is being an absolute dick by having an affair and blaming you is the normal when men have cheated.

My exh said loads of nasty things to me when he was cheating, the one thing that will always remain in my memory is "people talk to you out of pity ..... nobody likes you".

Ignore any crap that comes out of his mouth. I asked my exh why he had said the above to me - he replied I said it to hurt you. They are nasty bastards.

MollyButton · 03/02/2021 20:09

You can do this
ThanksWineCake

ScrumptiousBears · 03/02/2021 20:14

Men are lying fuckers when they are clearly wrong and backed into a corner.

Sorry OP. Ive not done this with kids but I've done it plenty of times you can get through it.

ElectraBlue · 03/02/2021 20:17

I think the main thing that will help is to realise your husband is a complete dickhead and that you are now free of this poor excuse of a man...

It is typical of immature, selfish and narcissistic people to blame someone else for their bad behaviour.

marshmallowfluffy · 03/02/2021 20:23

It's part of the cheater's script to rewrite history and blame the other spouse. It was probably the line that he used on his colleague when they started the affair so that she'd feel less guilt. By making it your fault rather than his, he's trying to kid his affair partner that he's a good person really. Hmm

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2021 20:31

Honestly, he’s doing this to make himself better. Is he some kind of Adonis that he can say these things. He’s an idiot, OP. Take him for everything you can, get a CM claim in quick.

rhowton · 03/02/2021 21:03

@CafeFleury of course it's all your fault... it is very rarely the men who have affairs fault... 🤦🏼‍♀️ I hope you're ok! Some men are just the worst.

Londono · 03/02/2021 21:15

@Eckhart Your post on page 1 of this thread is so good I have read it three times so far. I'm not in the same position as the OP but it still really resonated with me, thank you.

Good luck, OP.

Onthedunes · 03/02/2021 21:21

Bla bla bla bla
Next time he talks, don't listen...

Just repeat, I am better than you, I am better than you.

He is not worthy of your worry, he is beneath you and so is she.

Don't you dare think you are to blame for any of this... we won't allow it !!

Flowers
Livelovebehappy · 03/02/2021 21:46

Ignore him Op. they all do this. Rewrite history, because they need to justify to themselves that they had a valid reason for leaving. It makes them feel less guilty. I remember being where you are, and it’s so difficult to realise that the person you thought you knew doesn’t exist. If someone had ever told me before it happened that my DH would be capable of causing me such devastation, I would never have believed it. But it happened and I’m so sorry you are going through the same thing. Don’t let him destroy your self esteem by believing what he is saying, because if you start to believe him, he will convince himself he’s right. Be strong OP, you can do this.

Torres10 · 03/02/2021 22:06

A couple of my friends got together with the older man, both regretting it now, got to look after the grumpy old fossils :)

You on the other hand are free, he has set you free, to live your life exactly as you want. The world is a fab place and you get to go explore and enjoy it, without the dead weight..see this an amazing opportunity to grab life, make friends, find new hobbies, and rediscover yourself...

you will eventually view him as just a sperm donation who enabled you to have beautiful kids, he has had his time & usefulness & you are well rid.

Chiccie · 04/02/2021 03:34

Divorce him for adultery.
See a solicitor ASAP to get advice on your rights.
How old are your kids? Is he doing his fair share of childcare? He doesn’t get to set foot back in the house. You do nothing for him from now on. No meals! Have you put in a CMS claim?
This is all the practicalities. Time to shut him down. He doesn’t get to talk to you anymore. Cut him off.
Know your worth.
Keep posting on here. We will elevate you

Sakurami · 04/02/2021 04:21

It is very easy when you are having a fling when there isn't the mundanity of domestic life and they don't have to put up with each other's bad habits for it all to be exciting.

Anyway, don't listen to him. I bet he wasn't mr exciting. So now you have the chance to spend time doing the things you like for yourself and eventually when you're ready, you can start dating and having lots of fun and excitement whilst he looks after the kids.

When I first split up with my ex, I was distraught at the prospect of sharing custody but it's really having your cake and eating it! Fun times with the kids and when they're not around, going out with friends, gym, slobbing in bed, dating and now I get to have kids free time with my boyfriend.

Toots0412 · 12/02/2021 23:59

I’ve messaged you

bombastical · 13/02/2021 04:15

How are you OP?

Poppins2016 · 13/02/2021 04:30

@VettiyaIruken

He's trying to rewrite history so he can pretend he isn't a lying, cheating sack of shit.
100% this. The only person to blame for the end of your marriage is him. The things he said were vile and only go to prove you're better off out of the marriage!
SarahBellam · 13/02/2021 06:23

This is The Script his trying to minimise his guilt for leaving by trying to put the blame onto you. Nobody can make anybody do anything and if he’d had a problem he should have talked to you about it instead of sticking his penis into another woman. The breakup of the marriage is all his fault, not yours.

Hebditch · 13/02/2021 06:56

No, it’s his fault he’s broken up the marriage and family because he’s a vile selfish arsehole.
So sorry you have gone through this Flowers

JubileeXmen · 13/02/2021 08:25

I hope you're okay OP.
You will be. Give yourself time.

Your ex is a shit and he knows it. He said all those things because he knew they'd be hurtful. He probably won't take responsibility for his actions. You deserve so much more, someone with a backbone.

TacCat49 · 13/02/2021 08:33

As you don't seem to have had the conversation about his unhappiness you know his reasoning/blaming is a crock of shit.

Original poster
CafeFleury · 13/02/2021 09:48

Thank you all so much, your wise words have really helped. I’m doing a little better, thank you all so much. Flowers

OP posts:
twoshedsjackson · 13/02/2021 13:32

You're too nice a person to trade tit-for-tat insults, but am I right in thinking that he's no longer the dashing young blade who tied the knot with you 23 years ago? He is citing the wear and tear that the passing of time has inflicted on you (on us all!) but those three DC's didn't come about through immaculate conceptions! How much part has he taken in the grunt work of raising them? Were you too busy running the home competently to afford him the fawning adulation he sees as his due?
He and the OW are caught up in the illicit thrill of forbidden romance, but when this cools, it will be somebody's turn to put the bins out, do the supermarket run, etc. And the OW knows for certain that her "prize" is a cheat; she's building her future on sand.
Your children will be entitled to his financial support, which will also take off the shine a little, and I doubt that he has risen in their estimation.
This is probably dawning on him, and he's feeling sore, so somebody has to be blamed for his discomfort, but he can no longer delegate the dreary bits to you.

twoshedsjackson · 13/02/2021 15:39

Just re-read your thread, and noticed that your DH is now living with his brother; so did the illicit romance lose its glamour in the glare of being laid bare, or did he ship out, only to find that the OW got cold feet when faced with taking him on full-time? That must have been an even greater blow to his ego! I wonder how welcome a house guest he is with his DB.

iwishiwasatcentralperk · 13/02/2021 16:39

OP, just to join the chorus, this is what they do in order to justify their decision and to make out that they are not a bad person, you gave them no choice...

XH did the same to me, blamed me for everything and was quite nasty about it, when previously we had been very happy with no issues. It all coincided with his new "friend", who by the way, he is now married to.

I had counselling, I owned the remarks that were true, which were only a couple , and threw everything else out.

Funnily enough , all the things that he said were reasons why he had to leave me, well, lets just say, his current wife actually does them and he puts up with it....

It's hard and it takes time, but don't beat yourself up about it, you know that it's not true and it's just the words of a sad loser who won't take responsibility for his own actions.