Husband said it was my fault he left me

[CafeFleury]

My husband of 23 years and father of our 3 children packed up and left me 9 weeks ago. He went to live with his brother. I had no idea this was coming. I have since found out that he’d been having an affair with a younger colleague. I would never have believed he could do this.

He blamed me. He said things that I just can’t seem to overcome. He told me that he had to leave because I had become boring, overweight, he regretted marrying me, he’d never been happy and that I’d been a bad wife and if I’d been a good wife he wouldn’t be leaving.

Friends are shocked but reassured me that I’m a lovely person and I should ignore these insults. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get his words out of my head. No one has ever said things like this to me before. How could I not have noticed that he was miserable for so many years?

Can anyone suggest anything that might help?

Thank you.

Urgh. Men are so predictable.

It's him, not you.

Next time just shrug and say 'What else can you say? You're hardly going to admit that you're just a skanky cheat, are you? Of course, yes love, you're a diamond and it's actually all my fault that you were forced to fall dick first into someone else.'

This old chestnut. Rewriting history to suit his current circumstances. OP, when someone shows you who they are (he's an adulterer and liar) believe them.

If he’d never been happy you would have known. How likely is it that he’s such a good actor that he could have pretended all that time?

When it comes to affairs guilt and anger are the opposite emotions. Being angry and blaming you may be him protecting himself from his guilt.

OP, just ignore these predictable 'scripts' that cheaters use to justify what they did.

I got - " you were too independent, I couldn't do anything for you" - it was a good job I was, otherwise nothing would have got done/organised about the house !

"You let yourself go and put weight on" - I was about 5'4" and 9.5 stone at the time, and had gained about half a stone because I was happier in a new job. I was still size 12.

"I never got enough affection" - this was from the guy who pushed me away when I tried to cuddle or instigate sex.

Another girl I know who was cheated on "didn't cook Yorkshire puddings properly".

You have to give them credit for very active imaginations !

Agree your DH script is classic. I knew a poor lady once who agonized over her fault in her DP affair... his line .... "It's because you are too perfect and It frightens me how much I feel for you so I have to sleep with other women"

"It's because you are too perfect and It frightens me how much I feel for you so I have to sleep with other women"

WTAF ??

You didnt recognise he was unhappy because he wasnt. He is rewriting the past.

Came on recommend the script and chumplady.

Get a SHL and take the arsehole for everything you can because he will be looking to worm his way out of supporting you and the kids financially.
He also had the benefit of planning his exit so I'd be checking all bank accounts and possibly getting a forensic accountant. Make copies of everything you can and follow up on pensions etc. You will have a right to claim against his pension (&vice versa)

I just wanted to say I hope your ok
It is human nature to listen to and repeat to ourselves the insults we receive and barely take in the compliments.
If you have texts or cards from your friends or family giving you compliments.
Even just "thanks for helping me with that, I really appreciate it" type messages.

Then reread a few each night, screenshot texts and keep then in your photo folder or even write them out for yourself to reread more easily.
You need to give more headspace to the compliments then the insults now as the time ahead will be hard.
Your friends opinions matter much more than your STXH, they are your future and he is your past.

I really feel for you. This happened to me (exh affair with work ow) and he said at the time he wasn't unhappy. Hes since blamed it on: my bond with the children being stronger than his, me being horrible (we rarely argued and I did everything to make him happy, that I was strong enough to deal with the fall out and ow wasn't, that he knows it's the biggest mistake but he needs to do it.

I drove myself crazy wondering why I was so horrible and couldn't see it.
Then I read on here about the script and it saved my sanity. He's rewriting history. As someone said to me on here he is trying to make me the villain in the story of his hero life.

I hope you are ok. I totally sympathise. It's not nice to hear that and it's certainly not easy to forget 💔

@AnitaB888 Another girl I know who was cheated on "didn't cook Yorkshire puddings properly"

See, this is why I'm always sceptical when people claim "if your happy, you don't cheat" or that "needs" weren't being met. Because, seriously, if your all-important "needs" are "cook a Yorkshire pudding properly" then I'd suggest the problem probably lies with the cheater and their expectations rather than the cheated-on party who couldn't provide.

He left you because he was a sad egotistical twat who was following his dick into a younger woman's vagina.

It wouldn't have matter if you'd looked like Victoria beckham and was a rocket scientist you'd have lost him the moment a younger woman started stroking his ego.

His words are his unkind opinion not facts.He is thé cheated and the liar here.I'm going to hazard a guess he's got a receding hairline/bald spot/middle age spread going on and isn't exactly the most interesting person either.

As for "I shouldn't have married you" (maybe he's right;maybe his much younger woman was still a schoolgirl and wasn't old enough to marry yet):he's just being a dickhead trying to inflict maximum damage to you.The more he tries to place the blame elsewhere the more (in his head) he's justified in what he's done and he can try to be blameless.

Sod him.The day he left was the first day of the rest of your new improved life.Make sure you get legal advice,get what your entitled too and remember the way your feeling is only temporary.

As for the OW:well when a mistress becomes a girlfriend/wife she leaves a vacancy.

It's just so boring the ammount of excuses men come up with for justifying an affair.

Wouldn't it be refreshing if they could tell the truth that they are unintelligent shits who have no idea how to keep a marriage alive by being reciprocal with their affections towards their wife.
The boredom follows these types arround and they never seem to permanantly find what they are looking for.

Could it actually be a deficency of them?

"I don't think so, I hear them yell"

We'll he would say the wouldn't he, he's excusing his own bad behaviour by blaming you. He's rewriting history to give himself a clear conscience. He hasn't been miserable for years, it's not your fault, he just wanted to shag this young girl. What a wanker, you're better off without him.

What @Eckhart said sums it up so well.

What a shit, I’m sorry this has happened to you. It may take a couple of years to get your mind straight but you will get through it and realise he’s a total shit who didn’t deserve the years you shared with him and sacrifices you no doubt made for your family.

I didn't know anything about middle Eastern politics apparently (his interest in this subject was never raised once in the 20 years previously) and therefore there were other people better suited to him 😂

The crap these tools spout to rewrite their own story.

"the cheaters script" was an absolute eye opener.

@marshmallowfluffy

It's part of the cheater's script to rewrite history and blame the other spouse. It was probably the line that he used on his colleague when they started the affair so that she'd feel less guilt. By making it your fault rather than his, he's trying to kid his affair partner that he's a good person really.

Absolutely this. I am sorry you are going through this. I went through the same with my ex when he cheated on me. They have to blame you to clear their guilt for their shitty behaviour. Own the truth. Once I did the scales fell from my eyes and I saw what a pathetic man he really was. You can do this.

OP, cheaters spout lies in the blink of an eye.
Of course you drove him to it, he couldn't possibly have discussed things with you or tried to build a stronger connection with you. The option of discussing concerns or amicably splitting up as adults was really not an option for poor little manchild him.

You see, cheaters need a soft pillow and warm bed to move on. The good news is losing a cheater is like losing a heavy weight across your whole life. You can now consider your needs!

YABU to actually be taking his calls, or whatever method of contact he is using to inform you of this.

Honestly, this is a lying piece of shit who has left his wife and kids and run off with a younger woman. Who gives a shit what he thinks about anything? Stop giving him any headspace. Block him and tell his solicitor to talk to your solicitor if he has something he needs to communicate to you.

There comes a point in any breakup where you have a sudden waking up, like having a bucket of cold water thrown over you, and you realise they were a complete dick and wonder why you were breaking your heart over such a tosser. That point will come, just hold tight until it happens.

I know it's of little comfort now but they really arn't worth the heartache.

You now know his character.
He has always been this selfish.

You really are better off not having this sort of person in your life.
Don't pine over a piece of crap.

Of course he will blame you, it’s easier for him to handle it this way. But it’s not true. He’s a dick abs selfish and nasty. So give him no time and think about getting in with your life without him. See a solicitor too.

Men are very good at shifting the guilt. Like you I had been married a very long time [ 22 yrs for me ] when I found out my husband had been having an affair for at least a year. I made him leave. He blamed ME for the break up of our marriage as I made him go, so it was all my fault, no mention of the long term affair he had been having.

This wasn't your fault, he is guilty and he knows it, he is just projecting it onto you so that he can look to be the good guy. Please don't listen to him, and make sure you get a good solicitor to make sure you get what you are entitled to. Don't believe anything he says, get advice on everything.