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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband said it was my fault he left me

97 replies

CafeFleury · 03/02/2021 17:52

My husband of 23 years and father of our 3 children packed up and left me 9 weeks ago. He went to live with his brother. I had no idea this was coming. I have since found out that he’d been having an affair with a younger colleague. I would never have believed he could do this.

He blamed me. He said things that I just can’t seem to overcome. He told me that he had to leave because I had become boring, overweight, he regretted marrying me, he’d never been happy and that I’d been a bad wife and if I’d been a good wife he wouldn’t be leaving.

Friends are shocked but reassured me that I’m a lovely person and I should ignore these insults. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get his words out of my head. No one has ever said things like this to me before. How could I not have noticed that he was miserable for so many years?

Can anyone suggest anything that might help?

Thank you.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 03/02/2021 18:42

He just doesn’t want to admit what a selfish dickhead he is. He doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions (does he have form for this?).
Far easier to blame you, even if he has to lie to do this. But deep down he knows he’s the bad one here.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Cpl654321 · 03/02/2021 18:42

He has to blame you otherwise he'd have to actually own his shitty behaviour.

Listen to the people that really love you like your friends, they sound like a good bunch.

TwilightSkies · 03/02/2021 18:44

@DelphiniumBlue love how we both said ‘selfish dickhead’ at exactly the same time.

Eeeemac · 03/02/2021 18:44

Let's see.

In his court - lying, duplicity, disloyal, unfaithful, breaker of oaths, immaturity, unkindness and irresponsible (I'm sure you could add more).

In your court (supposedly)- weight gain, boring and a bad wife.

Hmmm. He definitely wins.

Do not listen to another single word.

NovemberR · 03/02/2021 18:48

Someone once said to me Never let someone who doesn't value you tell you how much you are worth.

It's a good thing to bear in mind. He has behaved appallingly and should be ashamed of himself. Married for 23 years, 3 children and decides to have an affair with a young colleague.

That makes him utterly despicable. And to then blame HIS behaviour on you is laughable. You are much better off without him.

Find your anger - that will help. Write a list of every tiny thing that annoyed you about him. And check out lots of threads on here about divorce and making sure you get (financially) what you are entitled to.

Good luck - I know it doesn't feel like it now but your life will eventually be better without him in it. He's horrible.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 03/02/2021 18:49

Oh love xx what a cliched arse he is. He is following what is known as the script

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Read it - you will see that every single word out of his sorry mouth fits this. You can mentally tick them off!

It really is him not you xxxx

ilikemethewayiam · 03/02/2021 18:52

His opinion is simply that........his opinion! It is not the truth. His opinion is neither here or there. What is important is YOUR opinion. If his opinion of you becomes your opinion of you then you have become co-dependent. Go back to who you were before you met him! What he thinks doesn’t matter, it’s irrelevant. Of course he’s going to blame you to appease his conscience. Why wouldn’t he. You need to get to the point where you can see this clearly. You might benefit from some counselling to restore your self esteem.

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 18:54

No, they dont say these things to 'ease their guilty conscience', they say them because they are nasty pricks.

What part of him needing to ease his conscience would include telling her these nasty things? Kidding himself by thinking them, sure, maybe. But nit saying these things to her.

Let's not excuse his horrible behaviour by humanising it in some bs way. Some people are just assholes and that's all there is to it.

AnitaB888 · 03/02/2021 18:55

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP.

Why not check out Chumplady for some wise words?

www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

girlofnow · 03/02/2021 18:57

@Wonkydonkey44

I would say your husband would say anything to ease his conscience and paint him in a better picture. He’s a cheat end of . Flowers
This. In spades. He's assuaging his own guilt by blaming you. This is not your fault in any way.
RandomMess · 03/02/2021 18:57

He is rewriting history because he doesn't want to admit that he was unfaithful and the responsibility for the break down is on him.

I can guarantee that he never mentioned a word of being unhappy prior to the affair starting...

BobbinThreadbare123 · 03/02/2021 18:59

It's to help him rewrite history in his head, to assuage his guilt. My XH did all that crap; apparently I'd been a boring wife etc etc. He treated me like I was stupid, despite having considerable evidence to the contrary. What waffle. OP, same as for me, it is absolutely not your fault. I am happily remarried so I can't be that shit...and nor are you!

Dery · 03/02/2021 19:08

“It's nothing you did. It is him blaming you instead of having the decency to apologise or accept that he is the one who has done wrong.”

This with bells on. It really disgusts me how unfaithful partners now don’t even have the backbone to admit they’ve done wrong. My dad had numerous affairs and eventually it broke my parents’ marriage - my mum gave him an ultimatum and he couldn’t stick to it. But at least he had the backbone to admit he was in the wrong. He didn’t blame my mum for it.

Your H is a coward. You can tell him that. Tell him that his inability to take responsibility for his actions shows him to be a spineless, immature coward. A responsible person who was not a coward would own up to their errors.

It’s him not you, OP. It’s very shocking now but give it a year or two and you’ll be wondering why you cared.

Btw: my mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s, 4 years after her marriage to my dad ended. And my mum and dad became good friends also.

ProfessorPootle · 03/02/2021 19:11

Agree with pp, this is what’s known as the script, he has to put the blame on you as he can’t handle the truth. He had an affair, the breakdown of your relationship is his fault, most likely as he’s middle aged, having a midlife crisis and can’t deal with it.

It’s soooo common in men. Know this, he wasn’t ‘miserable for years’ he just has to say that to justify his actions. It’s 100% him not you. He’s a cliched twat. Google chump lady and the script. It’s so odd but men really do follow it to the letter. There are a lot of really good you tubers who talk about this in detail. Start reading up, it’ll blow your mind and make you realise you are so much better than him and better off without him. Flowers

NaughtipussMaximus · 03/02/2021 19:11

He’s spent the last few years at least lying to you. Why would you believe anything he says? He’s just trying to shift the blame onto you. Tell him to go fuck himself.

HighSpecWhistle · 03/02/2021 19:15

He's disgusting, he should be ashamed of himself. He will be when the new fling ends.

You didn't realise he felt that, because he didn't. He's only saying it as he's trying to deflect the blame and make people think he was justified in having an affair and leaning you.

No one will believe his lies. It's bullshit and he's a wimpy little twat.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but please don't take on board anything he said, it's just not true.

KirstenBlest · 03/02/2021 19:32

It is the script.

I got the accusations that i'd been neglecting him, that I'd shagged a happily-married male friend when I hadn't, never showed him affection etc. All my bad points - some actually funny because most were not real faults but were things that were because of his faults.

It isn't anything you did. He let his penis do his thinking for him.

Listen to your friends.

Things that helped me were:
The break-up thread on here.
Writing down letters to him, the OW, his friends. NONE of them sent.
Prayer.
Lots of wine, until I realised that it was making things worse.
Time, lots of time.

I'm out through the other end now, but it's taken a long time and it hurt like hell. The lock down didn't help.

BrownFootStool · 03/02/2021 19:33

This is a textbook response when a guilty man is called out. It's like they get secret lessons on things to say when caught. I never loved you, you made me miserable, you are (insert insult).

It's his guilt talking.

Lookintomyangeleyes · 03/02/2021 19:41

What is it with men of this age. My BIL left his wife of twenty five years and went off with a woman young enough to be his daughter. His three teenage kids have disowned him and won’t have anything to do with him. It’s embarrassing going out with them, she’s all over him like a rash, like the cat that got the cream and is always bragging all over Instagram about her new family set up of him, her and her three young kids.

The thing I would keep in my mind is that he’s now shown you who he really is. Let her have him, he can’t be trusted and she’ll know this deep down. You deserve so much better. You’re hurting now but hold your head up, give yourself time to recover, to rediscover yourself. You will recover and move on with your dignity intact. As for them, they deserve each other. 💐

Original poster
CafeFleury · 03/02/2021 19:42

Goodness thank you all so much!

I have just scanned the Script link - oh my goodness! This is a thing they all do? I will read that in more detail later along with the other links and advise. So it seems they follow a pattern of behaviour.

Thank you all so much for so many wise words. You have picked me up off the floor.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 03/02/2021 19:45

A huge HUG @CafeFleury.
You are wonderful. Never forget that.

MoodyMarshall · 03/02/2021 19:49

This is a great website OP, enjoy Chump Lady's scathing take on middle aged men who follow the script!

www.chumplady.com

MoodyMarshall · 03/02/2021 19:52

Sorry X-posted with PP. But defo read Chump Lady Grin

CagneyNYPD · 03/02/2021 19:58

Completely agree with everyone else. But I will add something. How convenient for him that he can try to lay blame at your door. Put you at fault and deflect from his own behaviour. Make you feel shit and question yourself. One questions the timing of this... By any chance, have you started discussing practicalities and money?

Gil55 · 03/02/2021 19:58

That's shit but it's all on him. I bet he's no oil painting is he? Hard as it might be right now, have a good cry, wail etc and then get on the phone to the best lawyer you can afford and make the bastard pay. In a wee while - not right now obviously - you'll look back and think why the fuck did I waste tears on that prick? Hang in there.

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