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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexless Marriage

78 replies

HopsAndGrapes · 02/02/2021 17:13

Il a man - not sure if men are allowed to post here, but I’d like to get a woman’s perspective on this. We’ve in our late 40s and have been together for 25 years. Our sex life has always been very problematic because she’s never much liked it (other than that, we get on brilliantly). A few years into our relationship I stopped initiating sex because she’d reject me 9 out of 10 times, which was pretty humiliating. We got into a monthly cycle of me getting increasingly sexually frustrated, which reached a tipping point - her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard. But obligation sex is pretty degrading for both of us. (And wanking my way through the marriage feels pretty squalid too and very very lonely.) Anyway, now she’s said we won’t ever have sex again. Inevitable considering how things have always been, but I’m not sure I’m ready to contemplate half a lifetime of celibacy quite yet. My sex drive is fairly low, but the finality of this is pretty devastating. I can’t leave her - I love her and we’ve built a life, family and home together. But every time I climb into bed with the woman I love (and still find incredibly attractive, but, of course, who is strictly out of bounds) I die a little inside. She’s quick to point out that loads of people are in the same boat, but other people being unhappy doesn’t seem much consolation and I must accept that this is non-negotiable. Any tips for coping strategies?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2021 17:19

I don't know how you cope with a complete lack of intimacy, honestly, especially when you want and need it so badly. I'm your age, married the same amount of years, and our sex life is wonderful. We're not swinging from the chandeliers every night, obviously, but we still very much enjoy each other. I couldn't be in a marriage like yours. It would be one thing for both of you to be in agreement, but you're not, so I don't see how you can reconcile that. You have a lot of years left, far too many to remain this unhappy.

FifteenToes · 02/02/2021 17:24

Have you discussed with her, or have you even thought about yourself, the idea of you sleeping with other people?

MaLarkinn · 02/02/2021 17:31

Fuck that op.
Why does she get to dictate your sex life. I'd be gone or at the very least suggest an open marriage. Dictate to her your terms and see how she likes those apples.
If I was in your position I'd be looking for a discreet friend.

Polaris92 · 02/02/2021 17:32

That's sad. People in that boat are usually in it because they dint love eachother anymore or they have terrible intimacy issues, not because someone has just decided they dont want sex ever again. She needs to see a therapist and a doctor in my opinion, because that is far far far from normal.

wintermoths · 02/02/2021 17:33

I agree with FifteenToes, you should discuss with her you being able to see other women.

If she doesn't agree, you can either stay and be unhappy or leave and try to find happiness with someone else.

I imagine, if sex has never been important to her, that she does not associate sex with emotion and intimacy and relationship in the way that you do, and doesn't really understand why refusing sex is so painful for you. But hearing you describe yourself as dying a little everytime you climb into bed with her, was really heartbreaking.

HermioneWeasley · 02/02/2021 17:37

How awful. IMO it’s not normal for a healthy adult to have no interest in sex. It’s normal in a long term to have dry spells, but never wanting to have sex again is a red flag.

If she’s not open to talking about how a fulfilling sex life can be part of your relationship then you need to consider if you can live with that (I couldn’t). I also wouldn’t want sex with someone else, but perhaps that might be an option for you?

Runmybathforme · 02/02/2021 17:44

That’s very sad, you’re far too young to contemplate a sexless marriage. Why does she think you’ll just accept that ? You’ve said you love her, but it’s almost inevitable you’ll end up having an affair. You really need to have a serious conversation with her. She doesn’t get to dictate such an important issue.

slidingdrawers · 02/02/2021 17:50

It seems her mind is made up but there are two of you in this relationship and on the face of it she appears to hold little regard for your wishes. You don't need coping strategies as staying in this sexless marriage will continue to eat away at you. Open it up (with her blessing, if this is something you feel you could consider) or leave.

standingupforitanywhere · 02/02/2021 18:04

My husband might well have posted this. Have you ever really really listened to what she says about it? I've tried hard to change things, but my DH is cloth eared and hears what he wants to hear.

Has she ever complained or requested anything? Like, afternoons instead of mornings/late at night? That you wash more often/more carefully/trim your nails? That you not do x, or are gentler doing y?

Anothernick · 02/02/2021 18:05

I'm also a man in an LTR, 30 years. I'm not sure we'd still be together if it wasn't for a strong and continuing sexual attraction, I think sex is the glue in an LTR it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart. As other have said, most people have a physical and psychological need for sex, it is a fundamental breach of a relationship for one partner to refuse sex on a permanent basis. Sex defines a relationship, if you are not going to have sex ever again you are not in a relationship you are co parents sharing a house.

NoKingDingaLingTitsInAbsentia · 02/02/2021 18:06

Has she said why? I'd expect an explanation rather than just constant refusal and closing the door on any future intimacy. I've had that conversation with my DH and we both know where we stand and more importantly why.

Mistystar99 · 02/02/2021 18:17

If she's never really liked it, as you said, then it should come as no surprise she wants to just stop altogether. No one wants to continue doing anything they don't like indefinitely.
And there is nothing worse than having sex when you don't want to.
I may be well out of turn here, but I would try a very discrete affair. Don't just chance your arm with any willing female, actually be careful who you choose and be wise about it and no one will get hurt.
Or split up. There may be hurt, but there is a good chance both of you will be happier in the future.

DinosaurDiana · 02/02/2021 18:19

As a woman, I think you should go and have the sex life you want.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 18:31

As another woman here, her wishes do not trump yours and it reads as though she's just decided without any input from you. As PP have said the only thing I can think k of is suggest to open the marriage up and if that's a no go, leave.

ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove · 02/02/2021 18:35

She is perfectly within her rights to not want sex again and you are within your rights to want a sex life. Obviously the two are not compatible. Would she consider an open marriage if you both want to stay together for companionship? Otherwise I think the only answer is to both go your separate ways. Life is too short to live a celibate life when that is not what you want.

Fabiofatshaft · 02/02/2021 18:40

I imagine you have thought long and hard about this:

You know what your options are:

Accept celibacy forever.

Have a secret affair.

Tell your wife you want a sex life and you will seek a sexual partner outside of your marriage.

Tell your wife you’ll periodically see a sex worker.

Leave the marriage.

Easy to say regarding any of them, really , but the emotional fall - out will be huge.

Slightly different, but my ( ex ) wife said the same thing, many years ago, and she was 32.

I was a decent husband, hands on father, super fit and took care of my appearance.

I tried all the usual things, candid lit dinners, presents, weekend breaks, more ‘ her ‘ time, I didn’t pressure, moan, mope or sulk. We had young children.

Then I found out she was having an affair and was pregnant by this other guy.

Obviously, I was unaware of all this at the start, but remember it as though it was yesterday......

“ I love you but I’m not in love with you anymore. And we won’t be having sex anymore “

It was like an out of body experience. I felt my life force leave my body. My heart and soul and dreams were crushed in one fell blow and in just one sentence. There was no point in trying to talk about it because she was cast iron resolute about it. ( Obviously it eventually became clear why ).

It took years to heal myself. It damaged me and the kids for years, we probably still are damaged.

When you absolutely love and adore someone, like I did my wife, your inner spirit absolutely crumbles.

So yeah, been there, had the tee shirt, burnt the tee shirt.

Go back to the start of this thread and read the options again, because this is now YOUR reality.

wizzbangfizz · 02/02/2021 18:40

I couldn't have this, and I don't know what the answer is. Have you had or would she consider sexual counselling? Would she accept you seeking out a friend to have a sexual relationship with (I know that is complicated!) ? If not then I would seriously be making plans to leave the marriage. I would also show her this thread.

Fabiofatshaft · 02/02/2021 18:44

Start of my post, not thread.

Weirdfan · 02/02/2021 18:45

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation OP but this jumped out at me her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard because this will have been doing huge ongoing damage to what was already a difficult relationship where sex is concerned. She has felt pressured and coerced (by the threat of 'grumpy bastard') into sex she doesn't want over and over again by the sounds of it and that would be enough to make me never want to have sex with you again in her shoes, sorry OP.

crestar · 02/02/2021 19:29

@Weirdfan

She didn't want it anyway so that's not much help really.

It's unlikely to have put her off and to "never want to have sex with you again" as it sounds like she had zero interest anyway other than to have a family presumably.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 19:34

@Weirdfan I read the grumpy man comment as a bit tongue in cheek, not that he would be really grumpy 'at her' for not putting out. To be honest, this is something that isn't anyone's fault, it's just two people that aren't compatible in the bedroom. The way his wife has gone about it is what is curious to me though, a big announcement with seemingly no discussion.

Eeeemac · 02/02/2021 19:41

There has been a number of similar posts recently.

You know what, life doesn't remain the same, we don't remain the same. Your wife is changed by her years, and I am sure you are changed by your years too (and I do not mean only physically but mentally). We all are.

It sometimes seems like people expect their sex life to stay the same whilst everything else changes but wouldn't this be odd? Nothing remains the same, but new traditions can be made.

MMmomDD · 02/02/2021 21:06

I think the least bad option of the bad options is to discretely find someone in the same situation and occasionally have sex with them.
Of course in the ideal world - you could discuss opening your marriage, and having sex with other people. But in real world this would lead to a world of pain for her and you.
You don’t want to break up the marriage. She doesn’t either. But she just doesn’t want to have sex.

Many women in her place would secretly hope you’d either stop wanting sex, of just did it somehow without them knowing. So that they didn’t have to deal with the knowing.
In fact there is an active thread on this board where the OP discovered something her H did outside of their sexless marriage and she said - she wished she didn’t know.

Sorry about the state of your sex life, OP. These things never have a solution and cause so much pain.

NotMyPremium · 02/02/2021 21:14

You don't cope.

You leave or tell her you want to open up the marriage. It's not fair of her to decide that you will be sexless for the rest of your life. She cannot decide that then expect you to be ok with it. That's how affairs happen. And it doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

Jesskir89 · 02/02/2021 21:22

@Fabiofatshaft thats awful! I'm sorry you went through that and hope you moved on and are happy. Op this isn't normal and totally unfair. We've got a 10 month old and don't have it as regular atm but LO is still in our room and dh understands and knows we will get back to normal. You need to find out what the issue is

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