Sexless Marriage

[HopsAndGrapes]

Il a man - not sure if men are allowed to post here, but I’d like to get a woman’s perspective on this. We’ve in our late 40s and have been together for 25 years. Our sex life has always been very problematic because she’s never much liked it (other than that, we get on brilliantly). A few years into our relationship I stopped initiating sex because she’d reject me 9 out of 10 times, which was pretty humiliating. We got into a monthly cycle of me getting increasingly sexually frustrated, which reached a tipping point - her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard. But obligation sex is pretty degrading for both of us. (And wanking my way through the marriage feels pretty squalid too and very very lonely.) Anyway, now she’s said we won’t ever have sex again. Inevitable considering how things have always been, but I’m not sure I’m ready to contemplate half a lifetime of celibacy quite yet. My sex drive is fairly low, but the finality of this is pretty devastating. I can’t leave her - I love her and we’ve built a life, family and home together. But every time I climb into bed with the woman I love (and still find incredibly attractive, but, of course, who is strictly out of bounds) I die a little inside. She’s quick to point out that loads of people are in the same boat, but other people being unhappy doesn’t seem much consolation and I must accept that this is non-negotiable. Any tips for coping strategies?

It’s an insidious position to be in. I know, I’ve been there. It eats away at your self esteem (why doesn’t my partner want sex with me, I must be unattractive, doing something wrong etc).

And now she has told you you’re never having sex with her again! Does she feel this is in any way acceptable? Has she explored why her libido is low, why she has no interest in the physical side of a relationship?

The kind of rejection you are experiencing is like death by a thousand cuts. For me, it helped suffocate any love I had left and was a contributing factor to my decision to divorce him. I decided that it wasn’t for someone else to choose celibacy for me.

You have to decide what you are willing to put up with or whether any of the other options outlined earlier in this thread might present a solution for you.

Il a man - not sure if men are allowed to post here

Why not OP?? Every female space seems up for grabs these days!!

her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard

Being in a sexless marriage is horrible, but this just makes me feel sorry for your wife, not you.

Not having a regular sex life is soul crushing. You can’t put up with this. I’d suggest getting out of the relationship and finding somebody who does want to sleep with you

First of all - anyone who wants advice from a vast and incomparable source of mainly female wisdom is welcome to post here - including men!

Also this:

“You don't cope.

You leave or tell her you want to open up the marriage. It's not fair of her to decide that you will be sexless for the rest of your life. She cannot decide that then expect you to be ok with it.”

I've name changed for this. I read your OP and thought you could be my DH. I pretty much live in a sexless marriage now. He suffered from erectile dysfunction and has taken viagra in the past but to be honest the sex always felt perfunctory rather than fwoar. It's not a nice feeling when you're at your sexy best and your man doesn't want to rip your clothes off in the kitchen for a quickie for the sheer hell of it. That never happened for us. It was always in bed, with him popping a pill a bit beforehand. It all felt so ..... contrived for me. And I was never fulfilled either. It took such a colossal effort to ensure he stayed herd enough to come that by that time we'd both be fed up and knackered. Then I came to realise I was putting in all the effort and getting not much in return. So I stopped. We did have two kids and he never took viagra then stating that it felt so natural to be shagging for kids. That just made me feel like a vessel, a womb and not much else. After the kids came along I think I could count on two hands how many times we've had sex, none of it memorable, for me anyway. The kids are now older teens.
It bothered me a lot and we'd have a lot of arguments and discussion about it but it was always me bringing it up and making the moves to discuss it or research solutions or suggest councillors. It was always me nagging and I got fed up doing so. He never went to counselling or anything like that. After I hit the menopause I had a bit of a wobble and considered leaving him because I couldn't bear the thought of never having that feeling of being physically attractive, the allure, the sex again. We had some deep and meaningful discussions but I ended up going to a counsellor alone. He always said he'd see one too and I did say that we should see one together. But as expected, that never happened. I just can't be arsed making the effort anymore. Nor do I even want to shag him again because it's crap. In many other ways we are a good team, with a good marriage and two wonderful kids. We share a lot of hobbies and friends and generally have a good life. As my higher libido wanes, it's less of an issue for me now. Sometimes I get sad about it but it is what it is. I'm not chucking away a perfectly good life for a shag. If the lack of sex bothers him then he needs to bring the subject up and make the effort of talking about it or seeing a counsellor because I'm not going to. I can only ever meet him halfway. I'm done with going beyond the halfway line because the relationship ends up imbalanced and resentment builds. We are becoming more and more distant that even snuggling up doesn't do it for me anymore so who knows what will happen in the future. I know that I just can't be bothered faking interest anymore.

I don't know if this helps. Everywhere tells you that everyone seems to be having a great sex life so it becomes the expectation, the societal norm. I honestly don't know what a normal sex life is but I know that I'd rather be having no sex than bad sex. I don't know how the spark remains between couples, they must be sexually compatible. Perhaps we convince ourselves that it'll get better but really from the start, the course was set. I should have guessed early on that this is what it would be like. From the get go there was never fireworks and earth movements in our sex life. We are just not sexually compatible. Perhaps that is the same for you if you say your wife was never really into it. But whatever it is, you need to have that discussion with her. That's where to start. Best of luck to you

@Weirdfan

I'm not unsympathetic to your situation OP but this jumped out at me her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard because this will have been doing huge ongoing damage to what was already a difficult relationship where sex is concerned. She has felt pressured and coerced (by the threat of 'grumpy bastard') into sex she doesn't want over and over again by the sounds of it and that would be enough to make me never want to have sex with you again in her shoes, sorry OP.

Give the guy a break. This isn’t why she doesn’t want to have sex!!!

You are going to have to have a difficult conversation. You can’t accept this situation and it’s not fair on either of you. You need a heart to heart and one brave decisions need to be made . Good luck x

@Jesskir89

Thank you for your kind comments.

It was a long, long time ago. We were married for thirteen years and together for sixteen. I loved the bejesus out of that woman. I loved and desired her from the first day to the last.

But I have moved on, she has moved on. I have forgiven her. But it takes two, obviously something was missing for her.

Funnily enough, after several years he left her and she married someone else.

But the point and crux of my telling my story is that whatever the Op decides, you move on.

Minute by minute to start, then hour by hour, day by day.

To misquote Morgan Freeman, ‘ You get busy living or stay busy crying ‘

And if the pandemic has taught us anything, don’t take anything for granted, especially loved ones.

So for Op, accept things and move forward enjoying the family life you have, your children, your home, your hobbies. And love your wife for the whole person she is, and not just a sexual being.

Or you move on. You spend time on your own to recalibrate yourself. Learn to live and love yourself. And in time, God and the universe willing, you’ll you meet someone who will fulfil all your needs, and you their’s.

It's a very lonely place to find yourself in. Married but no physical intimacy. My husband rejected me for years - it massively affected my self esteem and made me feel so empty, unattractive, undesirable etc. After 10 years of zero sex, not even a proper kiss I realised I had lost all attraction to him, didn't love him (as a wife should do) anymore and felt incredibly resentful. It culminated in me asking for a divorce, which we're now going through. Your situation is potentially very corrosive.

I thought a few people might be uncomfortable with the ‘begrudgingly having sex’ bit. I must admit that I’ve wrestled with the thought that I may have been coercive in some way. Then again, it’s hard to be cheery when you receive constant crushing rejection from the person you love. Maybe her behaviour is a little coercive too? But best not try to apportion blame and turn it into a confrontation. When I got married, I sort of thought that sex would be an expectation, but totally understand that if she doesn’t want it, there’s not much I can do. From the very start, it was a difficult area and I thought that as we got closer and trusted each other, that she might get to like it. I’ve made my bed and I guess I have to lie in it (literally). I think I’ve just married an asexual woman.

@HopsAndGrapes

I thought a few people might be uncomfortable with the ‘begrudgingly having sex’ bit. I must admit that I’ve wrestled with the thought that I may have been coercive in some way. Then again, it’s hard to be cheery when you receive constant crushing rejection from the person you love. Maybe her behaviour is a little coercive too? But best not try to apportion blame and turn it into a confrontation. When I got married, I sort of thought that sex would be an expectation, but totally understand that if she doesn’t want it, there’s not much I can do. From the very start, it was a difficult area and I thought that as we got closer and trusted each other, that she might get to like it. I’ve made my bed and I guess I have to lie in it (literally). I think I’ve just married an asexual woman.

It definitely looks like it.

If you are at the point where you feel like it can't go any lower would you consider talking to her and discuss opening your marriage ?

I’m surprised you get on brilliantly in other ways given what she has disclosed. In my experience, something will give, somewhere along the line.... my Husband and I are not having a long dry spell due to his ongoing horrid behaviour and issues with drink, this, over many years, has eroded my ability to find him attractive. That said, I’d never announce that we would never have sex again!! I would say she sounds harsh saying that! One thing I will say is that we all have a sex drive and need for emotional intimacy and I think it’s very common to unintentionally seek this outside the marriage which is very likely. I know a friend that this happened too, which almost lead to an affair. Also, I’m a similar age and also feel it’s not too late to start over, many mid lifers do, if this continues it may be down the line you are better off being good friends with her? Hard to consider but I think the is incredibly common sadly

I think you are in a very difficult situation. For her to say you will never have sex again ever is pretty final. Has she given you reasons or is it that she just doesn’t like sex? FWIW I think a lot of women as they get older (not all) it becomes less of a priority especially when the day to day drudgery of family life is involved, it can just feel like another chore to tick off the ‘to do’ list. However, if she knows sex is important to you I think she at least needs to have a discussion about why she feels she will never want sex ever again. I’m similar age and been with DH over 20 years and most of the time sex is the last thing on my mine, but, we still have sex because I know it is important to him and even though I’m never really thinking about it before, I do enjoy it when we do. I think you are in a difficult position as you can’t force her to have sex if she clearly doesn’t want to but she can’t really expect you to accept an enforced life of celibacy either.

Lots of people may be in the same boat but it doesn't mean you have to carry on in this way. I'm not one to say LTB at the slightest thing but having a sexless relationship is not something I would personally be able to tolerate

You might find watching
www.netflix.com/gb/title/80197390
insightful. The husband explains what it is like to finally have a relationship where love and affection is reciprocated.
His wife is shocked that he wants to leave her after 29 years in a loveless marriage. I think it is really well done.

It is called Hope Cove (Bill Nighy and Annette Bening). Very sad but ultimately satisfying

@Parkperson

It is called Hope Cove (Bill Nighy and Annette Bening). Very sad but ultimately satisfying

"Hope Gap" ?

@ordinaryman . Hope Gap, yes, you are right. It is a good film though and worth a watch.

"I’ve made my bed and I guess I have to lie in it"

I told myself exactly this for years. It never got better though and I became more and more miserable and depressed as time went on.

I couldn’t accept this (lm female and a bit younger than you both). If she wants to not do it, then that’s her choice but if my partner said that to me then we would split or l would be having an open relationship

@Anothernick l completely agree

Asexual was what I thought when reading your post.

It's incompatible isn't it. She's asexual and you have a sex drive. I don't see how it's any different than if one of you was gay and the other person hetero. She can't stay in a marriage where she has to have sex, so she's stopped. You aren't happy in a marriage where you never get to have sex, so is staying together the best option?

I have an asexual friend who wants all the usual love and companionship that comes from being in a committed relationship, she just doesn't want to have sex at all, in any way, with anyone. She's not cold or heartless. Her relationships break down if she feels her partner expects sex, that unspoken feeling of pressure spoils things for her.

I love sex when I'm happy with my partner. When their attention is focused on me and we are intimate outside of the bedroom and talk and spend time with each other and help and support each other, have fun together and when there is no pressure. I'm pretty insatiable.

With two of my exes, they stopped all that and still expected me to want to have sex. But I just didn't feel like having sex with them and especially not when they became grumpy about it. So they suspected another man and started getting jealous. I told them both very clearly over many years because I did love them. We still had sex, just not that often and hardly ever initiated by me.

For me, talking and being into each other and all the rest is intimacy and that is needed for me to want to have sex.

I'm not saying that that is the problem in your relationship, just giving my point of view. And having obligation sex is horrible and it is a vicious circle.

But I wouldn't stay in a relationship that didn't fulfill my important needs. Life is short and life is wonderful when you're in a relationship with someone you have that mental and physical and emotional connection with. When one of those fails then it isn't worth staying.

@MaLarkinn "I'd be gone or at the very least suggest an open marriage. "

Sometimes whilst the sex is important, it can be important to have within a loving relationship as well?

Despite her not wanting sex, I suspect she won't want the Op having it with another woman

I've actually being thinking about the open relationship thing and I've kinda changed my mind on it. It just means you have two half relationships. I've been talking more to my friend who does this as he is in a sexless marriage, and whilst it maintains him enough to stay in his sexless marriage, he isn't really happy and has been seeing a counsellor he is so unhappy about it all. He has had two long term affairs over ten years. He grows close to his affair partner but he can never have a full relationship with them, they can never meet his friends, or he hers - and you see a full side to people when you see them in social groups, he can never go out with them freely or easily. There are a lot of constraints. What he really needs is one full relationship with another person. Instead of two incomplete relationships with two different people. You probably need this too OP, to find the life you really need.