Sexless Marriage

[HopsAndGrapes]

Il a man - not sure if men are allowed to post here, but I’d like to get a woman’s perspective on this. We’ve in our late 40s and have been together for 25 years. Our sex life has always been very problematic because she’s never much liked it (other than that, we get on brilliantly). A few years into our relationship I stopped initiating sex because she’d reject me 9 out of 10 times, which was pretty humiliating. We got into a monthly cycle of me getting increasingly sexually frustrated, which reached a tipping point - her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard. But obligation sex is pretty degrading for both of us. (And wanking my way through the marriage feels pretty squalid too and very very lonely.) Anyway, now she’s said we won’t ever have sex again. Inevitable considering how things have always been, but I’m not sure I’m ready to contemplate half a lifetime of celibacy quite yet. My sex drive is fairly low, but the finality of this is pretty devastating. I can’t leave her - I love her and we’ve built a life, family and home together. But every time I climb into bed with the woman I love (and still find incredibly attractive, but, of course, who is strictly out of bounds) I die a little inside. She’s quick to point out that loads of people are in the same boat, but other people being unhappy doesn’t seem much consolation and I must accept that this is non-negotiable. Any tips for coping strategies?

@Sakurami I agree wholeheartedly. I've come to thinking that despite so much info out there on how to 'understand women' so many men just don't bother investigating this. Sex for a woman is so much more than a quickie, especially in long term relationships. The phrase 'a woman's most erogenous zone is her brain' is the absolute truth.

In my experience, men tend to compartmentalise things so can easily separate sex from everything else. Women not so. So when a man feels rejected because he's climbed into bed, thrust his hand between my thighs and wondered why I'm not up for it, apart from the appalling 'brace yourself' technique, he cannot relate any frostiness to him coming home, leaving a trail of stuff behind him, asking how I am then walking out the room before I reply, saying he doesn't like what I've cooked for dinner and turning the heating down. He has not focussed on me at all.

OP you haven't stated why your wife doesn't want sex, have you asked her why?

@HopsAndGrapes
OP, I am in the same boat. Same ages, etc. Lots of questions: Is she going through perimenopause? Obligation can be a killer, can't it? Just one thing I'd like to say from my experience is that I am doing most of the work, vociational and domestic-wise and I just feel like I cannot give any more. If I had some help in this area, I might just have enough energy for it!

Leave her and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who really loves and fancies you.

@HopsAndGrapes, I could have written your post with the only differences being that I am female and that my husband does say he will make the effort every time I raise it..then prefers his bottle of wine and Netflix!
So sick of it being one sided, and have decided I want to separate..I would rather be alone as at least I will stop thinking it might improve!

LTB

Leave the bitch.

I too could have written this and I'm female. We've been married nearly 30 years, had a great sex life until 2 years ago and it breaks my heart. I was seriously ill,ended up in hospital but even before that our sex life had been getting pretty patchy. Once I'd recovered I thought we could get back on track but no matter how often I've brought it up there were excuses - too tired, stressed from work,then our daughter moved back in to recover from pneumonia and now "we can't have sex while she's here" and it doesn't look like she's moving out any time soon. I'm 51 he's 55 and I can't believe that this is my life now. It really makes me resent him as it's not been a joint decision I do still love him but not sure how long I will feel this way. Good luck OP, hope you find happiness.

I'm kind of with Dan Savage on this: either sex is so trivial that one partner can unilaterally end it within a relationship and not expect protest, or it's so important that people in a relationship mustn't have it with anyone outside, but you can't have it both ways. If you announce that sex is over within your relationship, then you can expect that your partner will end the relationship or, if they have powerful reasons not to do that like young DC, they will seek sex outside the relationship.

I can't tell you what the right thing is to do - and seeking sex outside is risky, and many people do develop deeper feelings for someone they're having regular sex with. But YANBU to be deeply unhappy. I don't think I could live in a sexless relationship, it's too important to you. I wish you the best possible resolution, one way or another.

I am in my fifties and my DP was in sexless marriages for over a decade before he left his wife. I think he always intended to stay, for the comfortable life they had, financial stability and for sake of their young adult children, it’s an awful lot to give up. After years of celibacy he became depressed and resentful and couldn’t cope any more. His XW made the choice aged just over 40 that it wasn’t something she wanted any more, no discussions, no counselling, no compromise. She is incredibly angry that he left ‘just for sex’ and there are now problems with children and in general. I don’t envy the choices he had to make, we are lucky we have a good relationship and are happy but he left not knowing that. His XW has made life very difficult at times as she believes it was a reasonable decision and that it is entirely his fault for not accepting it. At least she should have enough self awareness to accept what happened. Your choices are sadly, accept it, leave, ask for an open marriage. Sorry.

I feel for you OP. I was there once. I used to lay next to her with tears in my eyes from the rejection. The problem was she was the kind of person you couldn't talk to. About anything. As far as she was concerned "there isn't a problem". I just didn't make the first move anymore. Nine months later she finally did. By that point I'd made a decision. I either want a sex life or not one at all. So it was me that pulled away.

It was two years till we next had sex. I felt better about it by then. I had taken the situation into my own hands. I didn't feel helplessly out of control. It should be a two way thing but I wasn't living my life on the "whim" of someone else.

Can you have a full and Frank discussion with her? In a counselling session if you feel that would help?

Personally I would never be in a sexless relationship but I do NOT understand the number of people (usually men) who get together with a partner (usually a woman) who isn't really into sex then get surprised when they go off it over time.
Also, good sex, even when both parties are into it to start with, takes openness, communication and a willingness to keep things fresh. That can die if the relationship gets too much like hard work.

The options for you are either to accept a sexless relationship, leave or negotiate opening the relationship. None of them are easy.

Cheating never ends well. Whilst I can understand how things can ‘ get out of hand ‘ after being on the receiving end of it, for the most part, I can’t agree with it.

It’s a bit weird, that most people in relationships find it easier to cheat when there is an issue in a relationship like yours than to talk it out and find a resolution.

It’s her choice to forego any sexual activity for good.

It’s your choice to accept or not.

Accept her decision and remain in your comfortable home life. Maybe adapting to it, or burying your sexual desires and any resentment that may accrue.

Or be honest with her, and yourself. Tell her it isn’t about SEX, but closeness, intimacy, warmth, love, wanting, being wanted, your self worth and value, her self worth and value.

You could be honest with her and tell her you are going to seek an affair partner, but I think this will eventually lead to resentment from both her and yourself. And may cause more issues than you have now.

Or you can bite the bullet, sit her down and tell her you love her, more than anything and you accept her decision to be celibate. But it’s not YOUR decision and you think separating and parting amicably might be the best solution for you both.

It’s bloody scary, and yes, you might be on your own for quite a while, but you read the countless threads on here from women, many sadly abused, who would do anything for the love of a genuinely good man who cherished and respected them and wanted to build a mutually fulfilling life with them.

So there you are. Those are your options.

But in the great scheme of things, we are only here once, be a shame to waste it.

It seems her mind is made up but there are two of you in this relationship and on the face of it she appears to hold little regard for your wishes.

If she doesn't want sex then she doesn't have to have sex she doesn't want just because her husband wants it.

her begrudgingly initiating sex with me was the least worst option compared with putting up with a grumpy bastard

@HopsAndGrapes That's sexual coercion and not ok. She doesn't want that sex and she feels she has to have non-consensual sex just so she doesn't have to put up with moods you chooose to act out.

Then again, it’s hard to be cheery when you receive constant crushing rejection from the person you love. Maybe her behaviour is a little coercive too?

It's not personal, she just doesn't want sex, presumably with anyone. Coercion is if someone has an ulterior motive for something. She doesn't as far as we/you know.

When I got married, I sort of thought that sex would be an expectation

No. That's why marital rape is or should be a crime. Being married doesn't mean you're entitled to sex with someone who doesn't want it.

Being married doesn't mean you're entitled to sex with someone who doesn't want it is of course true, I don’t think OP is suggesting that he is ‘entitled’ either. What it does mean - especially when the OP has been told that sex with her will never happen again that he is entitled to..

a) accept that fact and live the rest of his life with her as platonic friends & never have sex again (utterly depressing and untenable IMO)

b) seek sex elsewhere whilst staying married (messy, complicated & never ends well - either people will get hurt. Or the alternative of removing emotion from the equation is becoming a man who uses sex workers, which is grubby & pathetic - a decent man is unlikely to choose that option as it’s presumably equally as soul destroying as wanking alone forever or having sex with someone who sees it as an obligation, just more transactional & very sad).

c) leave, move on and find someone who wants to have sex with him and have a chance at having a relationship with intimacy & romance & the endorphins, happiness & closeness that it brings. Surely that is better than the soul destroying option of being effectively someone’s housemate, with the added humiliation of feeling unwanted & undesirable, for another 30/40 years..

Living the rest of your life in a sexless marriage, feeling bitter and rejected & unloved sounds fucking awful OP & as a woman a similar age to you I wouldn’t contemplate a) or b) for a moment.

You aren’t even 50 yet, there are plenty of women out there who would love to meet someone who desires them and wants to build a life together in a relationship with sex, love & affection playing a major role in a future together. I’ve been with DH for over 20 years - if he declared that sex was off the cards forever, or if did (in both scenarios as a choice rather than because of a medical condition etc) then I’d fully expect things to end there and then!

Jesus christ, just leave already. If you were happy to be in a sexless marriage you wouldn't have posted here. She won't change, she's told you that herself

She knows exactly what she's doing so get into shape, move into the spare room, consult a solicitor and start looking at alternative accommodation.

Of course he can leave if he wants.

But this doesn't make it ok for someone to cheat. We would never say that in most threads. If he decides he wants to shag other people he should separate rather than betray his wife and the promises he made.

@Pyewackect

Because he wants to lie next to her and torture himself. He knows what his choices are but chooses victimhood over reality and practically.

@SoulofanAggron

‘ It’s not personal, she doesn’t want sex with anyone ‘

I have to disagree, I think it’s deeply personal !!!!

We don’t know, she may fantasise about sleeping with Brad Pitt every night, we DO know she doesn’t want to sleep with the Op, tonight, tomorrow night or any night, ever.

She’s checked out and left the Op dangling like a gawping fish on a hook. Yet she still expects the comfortable home life status quo to continue.

And why shouldn’t she !? If she thinks he’s a grumpy, moody, self entitled sex pest. ( I’m not suggesting he is a sex pest, obviously).

Many people have given the Op good advice which all add up more of less to the same options.

Here’s another couple of probable nuggets.

Op:

She is no longer IN love with you.
She probably doesn’t love you, either.
She may not even like you.
If it was up to her, she’d probably like you in the spare room. Permanently.
She may view you as a friend, house share partner, co - parent.
NOTHING MORE.

But that’s it.

End of

Finito

Take @Pyewackect’s advice and get a grip.

Imagine having your husbands entire reason for leaving you being that he’s not getting his end away. I would be embarrassed for both parties, him that he can’t do anything but think about his winky, and her that it was all down to one small thing.

Sorry mate, but that sounds like a shit way to live, ditch her and get on with your life

It's never just about the sex.

We don't know anything about your relationship op, we don't know if she just has a low libido or she feels resentful in any way preventing her from showing affection.

It sounds as though the only problem you are willing to addrress is the sexual side of your marrige, in which case things will not improve.

So think about leaving your comfortable home and family and find your sexual compatible partner.

In time I'm sure your wife may even then be able to resume her own sex life with someone who doesn't become grumpy, and can make her feel cherished, adored and desirable.

Maybe you just don't make her feel loved.

It's a win win.

I have to disagree, I think it’s deeply personal !!!!

@Fabiofatshaft I know if I'm not in the mood for sex, it's usually just that I'm not in the mood for sex, it doesn't necessarily reflect on my feelings for a particular lover at all. Are you never just not in the mood? Also, the grumpiness if he didn't get it when he wanted would've been an additional lasting turn off.

She’s being selfish. This is unfair.

Imagine having your husbands entire reason for leaving you being that he’s not getting his end away

Yes, I can & that’s ok. Sex and intimacy are the only things that differentiate a relationship from a friendship & having no sex or any intimacy permanently & by active choice means the relationship is over (unless it is something you both want & decide together - or don’t want more to the point!).

If a couple (in a normal decent relationship without other factors causing the issue) split up because one partner decides they’re committed to permanent celibacy by choice and the other one instigates the split because they didn’t want to live in a sexless marriage forever - then the thought that springs to mind is surely more likely to be “sounds totally fair enough”, rather than (as a pp said!).. “ooh he only thinks about his winky!”...or indeed “ooh she only thinks about her “ either!

It’s only a if both people involved agree it is, which is clearly not the case with the OP & wouldn’t be for the majority of people posting on this thread!

@adventurealice

Imagine having your husbands entire reason for leaving you being that he’s not getting his end away. I would be embarrassed for both parties, him that he can’t do anything but think about his winky, and her that it was all down to one small thing.

I'd have every sympathy for both of them, myself, but I have empathy