Sex I don't want

[mightbealittlebitmad]

So my husband and I have been going through a trial separation for less than 2 weeks. I'm all over the place at the minute, lockdown is really getting to me and I'm struggling with the kids and no escape from anything. Sometimes I feel like I miss him and that I'm trying to escape from my life and by leaving him that will do it but then maybe that's a fantasy.

I've told him all of my mixed up feelings, said I'm not trying to mess with his head but this is how I feel.

The reason for the separation is because I've not been happy for months, since lockdown was lifted a bit in the summer and I had my life back I didn't think I wanted him in it. I muddled along for a bit until I told him everything and we tried to work on it but I was still left feeling confused. Intimacy from my side had disappeared and I just wanted to be left alone and not touched at all. It led to so many arguments because he felt rejected and told me I was making his life miserable. When I said I was thinking about leaving he said I was selfish and that he hated me, breaking up our family for no reason.

After talking last night he says he wants to come back, I wasn't sure, it's hardly been any time at all and I'm bound to be feeling all over the place, we've been together for 14 years so not having him around will take some adjusting to. He's not happy that I'm not jumping for joy about him coming back but has said that when he does he is expecting some form of action in the bedroom. Even during this separation he's all over me when I've specifically said I don't want him to be. He says if he doesn't get any form of sexual activity when he comes back it will just lead to arguments and he will be miserable. He says it's a huge part of a marriage and something we should want to do.

Now I don't disagree that it is an important part of a marriage but I'm really not interested at all. I hate the way he knows that I don't want to do it but is putting pressure on me to try it because I might like it.

He thinks because I said I might have missed him it means we have to stay together and that we can't make any life altering decisions during lockdown. I agreed with the drastic decisions and said I was willing to do a long term separation but he would need to move to somewhere he could have the kids because at the minute having to be in the house isn't helping my emotions. We agreed that it probably wasn't helping us having to spend time together so he said I should go out but there is nowhere to go if it's freezing and horrible weather so long term it's just not going to work.

I really don't know where to go from here. I feel like maybe I have been messing with his head so he has every right to be angry with me and feel like I'm not putting out because I'm punishing him and on a power trip withholding the one thing he really wants.

It's certainly not intentional, I've been going along with a lot of stuff to keep him happy which he knows.

At his request I'm seeing a counseller to try figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm flip flopping between agreeing to whatever he wants for an easy life or telling him I'm moving out as soon as I can find somewhere to live (not easy, being on furlough and using UC to top me up means private landlords won't touch me and the demand for a council house is insane) He on the other hand has a secure well paid job and would find it no problem renting short term but I would struggle to pay the mortgage even with UC.

I'm just so confused.

I feel for you all, I think lockdown is getting to most people by now.

Why are you unhappy and shying away from intimacy? He has every reason to feel rejected and upset.

I’m not saying you’ve done anything wrong - you can’t help how you feel but I think you owe it to your marriage and the children to try and repair this before you break the family unit up.

I felt like we had grown apart and the feelings I once had were gone.

We've lived very separate lives for years, I work shifts so I've either not seen him for a few days or I've gone to work almost as soon as he gets in from work and back when he's asleep.

On the days I didn't work we naturally spent time apart, he's a really fussy eater so would chuck something frozen in the oven whereas I cook properly so we would eat different things at different times and watch TV separately.

Lockdown #1 really seemed to make me realise how different we were but it wasn't until I started to get my life back that I stopped wanting to do anything together. I met up with a friend once a week from time to time and on one occasion he was upset I didn't ask him. I tried to explain that I had spent 3 months barely seeing anyone but him and I don't often go out with my friends so when the opportunity arose I grabbed it.

Gosh that sounds hard OP, are you still sharing beds?
It sounds like he doesn't believe you actually want to separate, I would be telling him firmly you do (if that's what you want).

Is he usually coercive when it comes to sex? He sounds off putting to be honest.

Sounds like you need a clear head away from him for a few weeks to see what you actually want.

Why can't he move out?

Aww, you sound so down. I think counselling might help you. In general - not necessarily prolonging a marriage that is dead in the water.

You are not being unreasonable. This is your life and you aren't responsible for making him happy at the cost of your own happiness.

And to be totally clear, sex that you don't want is rape. It is still rape even if you notionally "agree" to it because of being put under pressure, if that agreement isn't actually what you want.

And to be totally totally clear, if this man thinks it is ok to pressure you to have sex that you don't want, he is a rapist. That would be a total turn off for any woman.

Enthusiastic, positive desire in the context of total free will is the absolute minimum level of consent that a decent human being expects before engaging in sexual activity.

He's living elsewhere and has been for a week now but it's only a temporary measure. I suggested giving it a month and then making an official decision but he wants to give it longer because he thinks once lockdown is over everything will be fine. I initially said a month because of our current living situation but then I found him a furnished flat to rent and suggested he do that for 6 months if possible because this current situation isn't liveable for potentially another 6-9 months.

I wrote a thread last year about how he had stormed out one day because our sex life wasn't exciting enough. He wanted to do things I didn't enjoy and said I should do it once in a while to make him happy. Our kids are 3 and 5 so we aren't exactly swinging from the chandelier's, options are limited.

I make it clear sometimes that I'm doing things just for him and I don't even attempt to pretend I'm enjoying it. He goes along with it but then complains it's rubbish because I'm not participating.

He hates me because I'm ruining his life, although he won't struggle for money if we split he won't have much left and may have to settle for a less than ideal house and he won't be able to get a new car anytime soon.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4060942-Sexual-Stuff

Previous thread

At the end of the day you want a sexless marriage and he doesn't. It's you whose taken sex off the table and you are expecting him to live without the intimacy he needs.

Of course, you should never feel pressured into sex when you don't want it - but why don't you want it? That's what you need to explore, and do you want this to change, would you like to increase your libido and he more intimate?

It would be unfair to just stay in the marriage because you feel comfortable after all these years and life alone would be difficult to adjust too. If you aren't compatible or if you don't love him anymore, then the kindest thing to do is leave him to find happiness elsewhere.

It sounds like you don't actually want him to move back in.

It sounds like he's decided he will anyway and the expectation for sex, given your ambivalence, is pretty worrying and sickening to be honest.

1 - most importantly, don't have sex you don't want.

2 - if you need a longer time apart, it doesn't sound like he's willing to give it. Can you move into a different bedroom, or in with the kids, if he's determined to move back in?

Great he's moved out.. don't let him back! Stick to your guns, he sounds truly revolting.

He goes along with these sex acts even though he knows you don't like them? I'm so sorry OP but that is rape, he is coercing you into it.

Do not give in to his sexual demands, in fact can you minimise contact with him at all?

Does he want to move out of the house? Who's name is it in? It might be a Good idea to look at other properties so you don't get stuck in a 'my house too, you can't make me move out' ?

Absolutely secure you don't want is rape and is horrific.

The fact that he feels so entitled to use your body the way he wants and doesn't care if you enjoy it is a big turn off in itself. And yes, if you are not enthusiastically consenting, it is rape.

@category12

It sounds like you don't actually want him to move back in.

It sounds like he's decided he will anyway and the expectation for sex, given your ambivalence, is pretty worrying and sickening to be honest.

1 - most importantly, don't have sex you don't want.

2 - if you need a longer time apart, it doesn't sound like he's willing to give it. Can you move into a different bedroom, or in with the kids, if he's determined to move back in?

I don't want him to move back in, not yet anyway. I've told him I need time to sort my head out and to actually want to miss him when he's not here because my current feelings aren't right. I should miss him, I should want to spend time with him otherwise why are we married. I said I wouldn't even care if he had an affair or slept with someone else which is a huge red flag in my eyes but he thinks all I need is my life back and all will be fine.

Lockdown is hard for me, I miss my job, my friends, the gym, homeschooling is near impossible and the days just drag like groundhog day. I spoke to a doctor about depression because my husband suggested I spoke to someone about getting meds but they said my feelings were pretty normal in this situation.

I think I just don't want to be intimate with him but I can't say for certain. A lot of the time I can't be bothered because I'm tired and fed up but his recent behaviour is off putting.

A few weeks ago he suggested we get drunk and do it so I did but I don't remember a thing. He says I was fully going along with it but telling him I wasn't into it and to just hurry up and get on with it.

He says I was fully going along with it but telling him I wasn't into it and to just hurry up and get on with it.

It's no wonder you don't want sex with someone who behaves like this. It's perfectly natural and normal, not to want to have sex when it's like this. It's not you, it's him.

I feel sick for you, tbh.

Its not unreasonable to want sex but it is unreasonable to force that on a partner who doesn't want it.
I can't imagine it can be ANY fun at all having sex knowing your partner is lying there hating every second.
I loved my husband but hated sex, I am asexual so the marriage ended and I won't be having another relationship, I am far happier on my own.
It does sound like this marriage is over, you have lost your feeling for him and having forced sex will make you hate him even more.
I think you need to tell him that you will not be having any form of sex with him if he returns and it would be better if you both sat down and planned your eventual seperation and divorce calmly and arrange what you will be doing with the children.

I think you are both valid in your feelings. He shouldn't get to expect sex whenever he wants it but also, unless you agreed to sexless marriage then he is within reason to want to have sex with his wife from time to time...I don't think that makes him a monster. It's more to do with how he goes about this. Dry spells are common, especially when you have young kids, but being expected to be ok with a permanent dry spell is not, and neither is having sex with someone who really doesn't want to.

If the reason you don't want to have sex with him is because you don't love him then that's ok too but you should separate permanently.

community.babycentre.co.uk/post/a33579316/aibu-to-feel-frustrated

More back story.

Looking at your ops in those threads, you're with a controlling, sexually abusive man.

Don't let him move back in. Split up permanently instead.

I haven't read the other threads but just based on what you've written here, it's clear that he is sexually coercive. This is a form of abuse. You've also mentioned going along with various things to make him happy. It sounds as if he's very focused on getting his own needs met, regardless of your needs and desires. It's no wonder you're unhappy and confused.

I hope that getting counselling for yourself will help you to think more clearly. I think that deep down you've already checked out of this relationship, you're feeling unsure and guilty which hopefully counselling can help with, and he's not accepting it and respecting your need for space, so it's hard for you to be definitive and assertive about it. I suggest that you get legal advice - Rights of Women would be a good starting point, they have information on their website and a helpline - and crack on with the counselling.

By the way, in a healthier relationship, you would expect to work on the relationship issues before working on the sex, because why on earth would you want to have sex with your partner if there are big unaddressed issues making you unhappy?! And of course coerced sex is part of the problem. If he wasn't abusive I'd suggest couple's counselling, but that's not recommended when there is abuse.

Cross post.

Sorry I have no idea what l meant by the random 'secure' on my post.

OP, I know on MN it is considered sexual abuse if a husband express his desire to have sex with the wife and she doesn't want it. I disagree. With a rare exception of consensual celibate marriages, lack of sex in the marriage is wrong and abnormal. Your husband has a healthy sex drive, you either don't want to have sex at all, or just with him.. It is not clear.
If you are happy with every other aspect of your marriage(it doesn't sound like it) you should seek therapy and address your lack of sex drive with a qualified professional.
If you are not happy with your marriage in general then get divorced.
It is unreasonable to expect one partner to tolerate lack of sexual intimacy.

@category12

Looking at your ops in those threads, you're with a controlling, sexually abusive man.

Don't let him move back in. Split up permanently instead.

This.

I wouldn't want sex with a bully either.

Your thread is a lot about what he wants and he's angry with you because you're playing the right sort he wants. He wants to you just get happy as will make his life easier.
OP it sounds like you want to leave him but are scared. He's picking up on your vulnerability and using it to manipulate what he wants.
Deep down you know he's not right for you. All the talk of sex and his demands what he wants for his sex life. Has he ever asked what you want? Why would you want to sleep with someone who treats you this way? It's a turn off
And the getting drunk thing to get you to have sex is scary. It's coercive abuse.

Please get away from this man. Speak to someone like Womens Aid and build your support

*sorry you're NOT playing the right role ve wants