Sex I don't want

[mightbealittlebitmad]

So my husband and I have been going through a trial separation for less than 2 weeks. I'm all over the place at the minute, lockdown is really getting to me and I'm struggling with the kids and no escape from anything. Sometimes I feel like I miss him and that I'm trying to escape from my life and by leaving him that will do it but then maybe that's a fantasy.

I've told him all of my mixed up feelings, said I'm not trying to mess with his head but this is how I feel.

The reason for the separation is because I've not been happy for months, since lockdown was lifted a bit in the summer and I had my life back I didn't think I wanted him in it. I muddled along for a bit until I told him everything and we tried to work on it but I was still left feeling confused. Intimacy from my side had disappeared and I just wanted to be left alone and not touched at all. It led to so many arguments because he felt rejected and told me I was making his life miserable. When I said I was thinking about leaving he said I was selfish and that he hated me, breaking up our family for no reason.

After talking last night he says he wants to come back, I wasn't sure, it's hardly been any time at all and I'm bound to be feeling all over the place, we've been together for 14 years so not having him around will take some adjusting to. He's not happy that I'm not jumping for joy about him coming back but has said that when he does he is expecting some form of action in the bedroom. Even during this separation he's all over me when I've specifically said I don't want him to be. He says if he doesn't get any form of sexual activity when he comes back it will just lead to arguments and he will be miserable. He says it's a huge part of a marriage and something we should want to do.

Now I don't disagree that it is an important part of a marriage but I'm really not interested at all. I hate the way he knows that I don't want to do it but is putting pressure on me to try it because I might like it.

He thinks because I said I might have missed him it means we have to stay together and that we can't make any life altering decisions during lockdown. I agreed with the drastic decisions and said I was willing to do a long term separation but he would need to move to somewhere he could have the kids because at the minute having to be in the house isn't helping my emotions. We agreed that it probably wasn't helping us having to spend time together so he said I should go out but there is nowhere to go if it's freezing and horrible weather so long term it's just not going to work.

I really don't know where to go from here. I feel like maybe I have been messing with his head so he has every right to be angry with me and feel like I'm not putting out because I'm punishing him and on a power trip withholding the one thing he really wants.

It's certainly not intentional, I've been going along with a lot of stuff to keep him happy which he knows.

At his request I'm seeing a counseller to try figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm flip flopping between agreeing to whatever he wants for an easy life or telling him I'm moving out as soon as I can find somewhere to live (not easy, being on furlough and using UC to top me up means private landlords won't touch me and the demand for a council house is insane) He on the other hand has a secure well paid job and would find it no problem renting short term but I would struggle to pay the mortgage even with UC.

I'm just so confused.

Op- your husband sounds gross. However, if you share that house it should have been you that moved out of you needed space. You can't ask someone to leave their own home for an indefinite time period whilst you "sort your head out". It is massively unfair.

Whatever he's like in other matters, I think he's being very reasonable in agreeing to this arrangement.

It's only lasted a matter of days and he hasn't let up on the pressure, and he's controlling and sexually coercive in their long term relationship, so he's not reasonable at all. Ridiculous.

Do not go to counselling with him!

He will use it to manipulate you, he won't accept any faults.

In the nicest possible way OP what the fuck are you doing??? You're letting him emotionally blackmail you into something you know you don't want, everything you're doing is out of fear of his reaction and because he's holding you to ransom. What about you? Has this marriage made you such a non-person that what you want/need doesn't matter at all now, even to you?

It's really worrying that you dismissed the legal route immediately it was mentioned, the occupation order etc is exactly the route you need to go because this man will not let you go easily and you need the back-up the legal frameworks will offer you, it's why they are there. You can rail against using them all you like but it's where you will end up if you ever want to be free so it may as well be now.

Please don't let him move back in, speak to a solicitor and break this horrific cycle you're in while you have the chance. I know it's scary, but surely having your mental health dismantled by coerced sex and a controlling abusive H is scarier? And don't let him come to counselling, he really doesn't want you to have anything for yourself does he? Speaks volumes.

It sounds like you don’t want to be with him and given some of the history I’m not surprised.

Are you using the break as a way to work up courage to split from him completely do you think?

I agree with pp don’t do counselling and don’t let him move back in. I feel like those things would be a massive back step and drag you back into a relationship you are trying to get out of.

Presumably OP has care of the DC though Ianar, much more reasonable for him to move out than OP have to uproot DC. And it isn't just to 'sort her head out', it's to get a break from H's relentless groping and sexual coercion so it's entirely fair he goes.

The fact that he insists on tracking where you are is as chilling as his propensity to have sex on you, even when you're too drunk to consent. He's revolting.

And he would use going to counselling with you as yet another means of controlling you.

I feel your pain, similar situation, I care about my H a lot but I simply am not keen on sex- it’s not just him, I’ve never been that keen after a couple of years with someone if I’m honest. I’m great at companionship and caring but don’t much like being touched. I’m not touchy feely with friends either if I am honest but am a great friend. I guess we are all different.

God OP, I am getting the heebie-jeebies for you.

I spent 10 years with a bloke. 2 years were good. But then we went to uni and I got depression...

And it started...

He would threaten to break up with me
Tell me I was hurting him by not having sex with him
He'd offer to buy things for me but then only buy it with the caveat of sleeping with him... and he'd do it in public when we were shopping
He would constantly go on and on and on about it

And in the end I would do it just to have a peaceful time.

By the end of our relationship, I found him so fucking repulsive. I would say the damage has been done and that you won't want to have sex with him again. No matter how much counselling you go to.

He's sick and twisted.

Read up about coercive control, op.

Does your partner nag you for sex or convince you to carry out sexual acts that make you feel uncomfortable? While it's normal to have differing sex drives, if your partner makes you do anything that you're uncomfortable with, this is a classic sign of coercive control and you have every right to say no.

I’ve just read your other two threads where there is lots more information. I’m so sorry your going through this.

He tried to make you do things sexually you don’t want and then tried to emotionally black Mail you.
He constantly gropes you.
He follows you around the house even opening the bathroom door that you had locked.
He accuses you of having affairs repeatedly whilst at work and at the gym and even questioned where your new socks were from.
He insists on tracking your phone.
He doesn’t want you having counselling on your own as he’s afraid of “what you will say”

You are in an abusive relationship. You know this deep down.
Follow the PP advice, get a non mol order and start running.
Whatever you do - do not let him in your counselling session. He is trying to gaslight you into letting him in - this is for you. He is afraid of loosing control.

This is the most dangerous time, you need to be very very careful.

Call and speak to WA

Do not let him come back, as he’ll continue to manipulate and coerce you.

If he has a flat, then he can have the children at his.....he has no reason to come to the family home. He’s doing the moping etc as emotional blackmail.

Do not, what ever you do let him join in on YOUR counselling. Ask yourself this, would any counsellor advise you to let him have the sex he wants when you don’t want to?

As others have said he is a controlling, manipulative abuser.

@Weirdfan
I see nothing in OP re relentless groping.

OP stated that she threatened to leave before, so it is an option for her, albeit more difficult financially. She's been thinking about it for months.

OP has my sympathy, but you can't ask someone to stay out of their own home for an indefinite time period, without having the police involved.

I agreed yesterday for him to move back in and I would just do what he wanted because I'm tired of going round in circles so now if I tell him I've changed my mind I'll look like I'm playing mind games.
Tell him you've changed your mind (even though you haven't changed it at all - you were just coerced into saying something you didn't want).
He will accuse you of playing games etc. whatever you do.
It also doesn't matter if it looks like you are playing games. All that matters is that you are safe and away from your abuser.
Seek help as you're not going to manage this on your own. It is hard.

He's worn you down. You don't have the mental energy to resist him, and that's because of him and how exhausting he is.

I don't think we are going to get through to you, really, because it seems you're not ready to face up to what you have to do, but I do think counselling (ON YOUR OWN) should hopefully be very helpful. I also urge you to consider calling the national domestic abuse helpline (0808 2000 247) and/or your local Women's Aid or equivalent www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

you can't ask someone to stay out of their own home for an indefinite time period, without having the police involved
You can ask - you just can't make them do it. If the husband here wants to preserve his image towards his family and friends, for instance, he may actually agree to stay away.

I've spoken to my mum and she is appalled that I'm going through this, she says it's not right and it's no wonder I'm confused because he's wearing me down so he gets what he wants.

I've emailed him and said he needs to go ahead with this separation, I don't have anywhere to go at the minute, I've been looking for months and I'm getting nowhere.

The chances are the house is going to be getting sold anyway so neither of us will be living in it permanently.

I feel like I'm living someone else's life, we've always had our ups and downs but it's never been this bad. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore, he's not who I thought he was and it hurts. I'm confused, upset, scared of the unknown, miss him, don't miss him. One minute I feel like I'm the bad guy, the next I feel like he is. He's either moping around and saying hateful things or he's telling me how much he loves me and how he will do anything I want because he doesn't want to lose me.

Ianar, from OP's post at 9.24am He's just constantly groping me which is getting on my nerves

It sounds to me that your instinct is telling you he's making you unhappy and you no longer want to be with him.

Has the counselling helped you gain any clarity? I would keep going, alone, to see if it can help you make a final decision.

It sounds like he's a bit domineering. He places a lot of emphasis on sex which is strange to me as it's only one element of a relationship. And he doesn't seem to mind applying inappropriate amounts of pressure on you to do sexual acts you aren't keen on. That's wrong.

You deserve someone who is respectful of you. Who, even when the relationship is rocky, understands that your wants and your limits matter.

I think you've done the right thing. I hope he starts to listen to you soon x

OP have you ever read "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?
There are extracts here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Free pdf version of 'why does he do that' here OP, well worth a look www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I've emailed him and said he needs to go ahead with this separation
Brilliant, good job.

This is a confusing time right now, but by the sound of your previous threads, it's been pretty crap all round. Nothing is black and white - if you want to find a reason to stay, you'll always find one - but your OP reads as if you're only wavering because he's making you.

Take care of yourself and your mental health as best you can and it might be a bit easier to stay strong. Seek help. Don't let him make you feel guilty: even if you are instigating the breakup, that doesn't make you the baddie - a breakup may be the best thing for everyone involved.

@ravenmum

I've emailed him and said he needs to go ahead with this separation Brilliant, good job.

This is a confusing time right now, but by the sound of your previous threads, it's been pretty crap all round. Nothing is black and white - if you want to find a reason to stay, you'll always find one - but your OP reads as if you're only wavering because he's making you.

Take care of yourself and your mental health as best you can and it might be a bit easier to stay strong. Seek help. Don't let him make you feel guilty: even if you are instigating the breakup, that doesn't make you the baddie - a breakup may be the best thing for everyone involved.

Things haven't been amazing for a good while, I go off at him over something small like forgetting to put the dishwasher on because he always forgets and it's me that has to wash stuff up by hand. He leaves the kids stuff in his car and goes to work so it makes life difficult for me because they don't have a pushchair/car seat/coat/school work.

In isolation I look like I'm being horrible but when it's the same over and over again it drives me insane, I'm like I may as well do it myself. I have often wondered if I'm moody with him because I'm not happy with him as well and just the smallest thing annoys me and I can see that a marriage shouldn't be this way. We should be a team who build each other up but I feel like we tear each other down.

I can't help but think maybe we would both be happier apart, it's scary of course and there will be difficult times ahead but it could actually be the best thing. He might end up finding somebody who is absolutely perfect for him and go on to buy the perfect house and the perfect car. I've no idea what I want for my future, I might be happy to be on my own long term and it could be that marriage and all it entails isn't what's right for me.

I'm almost excited at the prospect of a new future, of finding out what's out there for me. I was lying awake in the early hours this morning worrying about him coming back and then I thought about a life without him and felt a lot calmer.

I'm just scared I think, worried about money and not being able to afford to do anything with the kids whereas he will have a load of money and can take them to the zoo, safari park etc on his days.

If he wants sex and you don't then it's not going to work