So my husband and I have been going through a trial separation for less than 2 weeks. I'm all over the place at the minute, lockdown is really getting to me and I'm struggling with the kids and no escape from anything. Sometimes I feel like I miss him and that I'm trying to escape from my life and by leaving him that will do it but then maybe that's a fantasy.
I've told him all of my mixed up feelings, said I'm not trying to mess with his head but this is how I feel.
The reason for the separation is because I've not been happy for months, since lockdown was lifted a bit in the summer and I had my life back I didn't think I wanted him in it. I muddled along for a bit until I told him everything and we tried to work on it but I was still left feeling confused. Intimacy from my side had disappeared and I just wanted to be left alone and not touched at all. It led to so many arguments because he felt rejected and told me I was making his life miserable. When I said I was thinking about leaving he said I was selfish and that he hated me, breaking up our family for no reason.
After talking last night he says he wants to come back, I wasn't sure, it's hardly been any time at all and I'm bound to be feeling all over the place, we've been together for 14 years so not having him around will take some adjusting to. He's not happy that I'm not jumping for joy about him coming back but has said that when he does he is expecting some form of action in the bedroom. Even during this separation he's all over me when I've specifically said I don't want him to be. He says if he doesn't get any form of sexual activity when he comes back it will just lead to arguments and he will be miserable. He says it's a huge part of a marriage and something we should want to do.
Now I don't disagree that it is an important part of a marriage but I'm really not interested at all. I hate the way he knows that I don't want to do it but is putting pressure on me to try it because I might like it.
He thinks because I said I might have missed him it means we have to stay together and that we can't make any life altering decisions during lockdown. I agreed with the drastic decisions and said I was willing to do a long term separation but he would need to move to somewhere he could have the kids because at the minute having to be in the house isn't helping my emotions. We agreed that it probably wasn't helping us having to spend time together so he said I should go out but there is nowhere to go if it's freezing and horrible weather so long term it's just not going to work.
I really don't know where to go from here. I feel like maybe I have been messing with his head so he has every right to be angry with me and feel like I'm not putting out because I'm punishing him and on a power trip withholding the one thing he really wants.
It's certainly not intentional, I've been going along with a lot of stuff to keep him happy which he knows.
At his request I'm seeing a counseller to try figure out what's going on in my head.
I'm flip flopping between agreeing to whatever he wants for an easy life or telling him I'm moving out as soon as I can find somewhere to live (not easy, being on furlough and using UC to top me up means private landlords won't touch me and the demand for a council house is insane) He on the other hand has a secure well paid job and would find it no problem renting short term but I would struggle to pay the mortgage even with UC.
I'm just so confused.