Sex I don't want

[mightbealittlebitmad]

So my husband and I have been going through a trial separation for less than 2 weeks. I'm all over the place at the minute, lockdown is really getting to me and I'm struggling with the kids and no escape from anything. Sometimes I feel like I miss him and that I'm trying to escape from my life and by leaving him that will do it but then maybe that's a fantasy.

I've told him all of my mixed up feelings, said I'm not trying to mess with his head but this is how I feel.

The reason for the separation is because I've not been happy for months, since lockdown was lifted a bit in the summer and I had my life back I didn't think I wanted him in it. I muddled along for a bit until I told him everything and we tried to work on it but I was still left feeling confused. Intimacy from my side had disappeared and I just wanted to be left alone and not touched at all. It led to so many arguments because he felt rejected and told me I was making his life miserable. When I said I was thinking about leaving he said I was selfish and that he hated me, breaking up our family for no reason.

After talking last night he says he wants to come back, I wasn't sure, it's hardly been any time at all and I'm bound to be feeling all over the place, we've been together for 14 years so not having him around will take some adjusting to. He's not happy that I'm not jumping for joy about him coming back but has said that when he does he is expecting some form of action in the bedroom. Even during this separation he's all over me when I've specifically said I don't want him to be. He says if he doesn't get any form of sexual activity when he comes back it will just lead to arguments and he will be miserable. He says it's a huge part of a marriage and something we should want to do.

Now I don't disagree that it is an important part of a marriage but I'm really not interested at all. I hate the way he knows that I don't want to do it but is putting pressure on me to try it because I might like it.

He thinks because I said I might have missed him it means we have to stay together and that we can't make any life altering decisions during lockdown. I agreed with the drastic decisions and said I was willing to do a long term separation but he would need to move to somewhere he could have the kids because at the minute having to be in the house isn't helping my emotions. We agreed that it probably wasn't helping us having to spend time together so he said I should go out but there is nowhere to go if it's freezing and horrible weather so long term it's just not going to work.

I really don't know where to go from here. I feel like maybe I have been messing with his head so he has every right to be angry with me and feel like I'm not putting out because I'm punishing him and on a power trip withholding the one thing he really wants.

It's certainly not intentional, I've been going along with a lot of stuff to keep him happy which he knows.

At his request I'm seeing a counseller to try figure out what's going on in my head.

I'm flip flopping between agreeing to whatever he wants for an easy life or telling him I'm moving out as soon as I can find somewhere to live (not easy, being on furlough and using UC to top me up means private landlords won't touch me and the demand for a council house is insane) He on the other hand has a secure well paid job and would find it no problem renting short term but I would struggle to pay the mortgage even with UC.

I'm just so confused.

@Iwonder08

OP, I know on MN it is considered sexual abuse if a husband express his desire to have sex with the wife and she doesn't want it. I disagree. With a rare exception of consensual celibate marriages, lack of sex in the marriage is wrong and abnormal. Your husband has a healthy sex drive, you either don't want to have sex at all, or just with him.. It is not clear. If you are happy with every other aspect of your marriage(it doesn't sound like it) you should seek therapy and address your lack of sex drive with a qualified professional. If you are not happy with your marriage in general then get divorced. It is unreasonable to expect one partner to tolerate lack of sexual intimacy.

That's not what's happening here. He's making her do things she doesn't want to do. That is abuse. Look it up before you disagree and defend men that treat women like that.

Oh it's not just on MN. It's the whole friggin world. Educate yourself

Iwonder08, this man pressures op to perform sexual acts she doesn't enjoy and have sex when she doesn't want it. He is not after a normal loving sexual relationship, he is coercive. He's created the problem by making sex a nightmare for his partner instead of fun.

So not only is he sexually abusive, he rings you when your out constantly? Checks your phone location? Opens the bathroom door via the inside lock when your in the bath even though you have 2 other toilets in the house?

Seriously you're doing the right thing leaving him, it's normal to have doubts along the way but keep going and stay strong. Re read your old threads if you get cold feet and keep at the counselling alone too! Do not go to counselling with him, it's advised against to go into counselling with an abusive partner.

Have you seen this?

He wants me to think of some fantasy that we can do together, he said so last night. He's just constantly groping me which is getting on my nerves and I told him but he just said he would love it if I did it to him and he just likes to touch/look at his wife because he finds me so attractive.

The day he left he asked if I wanted to exchange flirty text messages so that we could go back to the beginning again and I'll fall back in love with him. He's adamant he will never find anyone else/doesn't find anyone else attractive and doesn't want to live without me.

Oh OP. He's a controlling sex pest bastard.
I'm cross and sad for you at the same time.

This is not normal to be treated this way. He's treating you like a possession.

Please please please get some help.

He doesn't get to choose if he lives without you or not. YOU get to choose to live without him.

It doesn't matter what he says.

Op his behaviour is disturbing. The sexual coercing combined with controlling behaviour is worrying. Please don't let him back.

@gettingfedupagain

Have you seen this?

That's scarily accurate although I'm sure he would disagree. A couple of nights before he left he told me I was making him miserable and I needed to sort myself out because if I didn't give him any he would move in with his friend for the whole of lockdown and not see the kids. I ended up agreeing to try the following night and to see what happened. We did, I didn't want to but had already agreed I would and previously when I've said oh not tonight, tomorrow and then not been in the mood he's sulked because he was looking forward to it all day.

Anyway the next morning he was so happy because I had tried and we were getting back on the right track whereas I just felt used so I told him to go move in with his friend to see if time apart helped.

He doesn't phone me constantly, it was feeling constant because I was barely getting any time to myself so when I end up getting a phone call to see what I was doing I got annoyed because I wanted to be left alone.

I can't deal with him moping around, last week he came to see the kids but barely spoke to them because he was so miserable that I said I was coping fine without him and wanted it to continue. That's when he said I couldn't be in the house when he came round.

I am worried about coping financially without him, I don't have anywhere to go at the minute. I've tried so many private rentals and they've either gone before I can get a viewing or they don't want someone in my financial situation. I've put my name down for a council house but I've no idea how long that will take.

I have nowhere else to go whereas he is in a much better position to rent somewhere and leave me to claim UC to help pay the mortgage short term.

Constant groping (unwanted) is also sexual abuse.
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Jesus, he's revolting. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. Either you both agree to stay together and he agrees not to pester you for sex, or you split up. You shouldn't be getting drunk in order to have sex and he shouldn't be blackmailing you or, let's call a spade a spade, raping you.

You need legal advice as I've already said, about the financial and housing situation.

It doesn't matter if he disagrees. It doesn't matter what he thinks. It doesn't matter with his threats. It's all hot air from an abusive man trying to manipulate you. He senses he is losing his grip on you so is increasing his demands for you to make him happy.

Speak to a professional about your options. You can't think clearly with him around. That is his intention so you don't think for yourself. He is constant noise in your head to keep you exhausted.

Forget what he thinks or feels.

Put your phone on silent. Don't answer. Don't respond. Grey rock until you get your plan

I feel completely alone too which isn't helping. My friends are getting fed up of my messages to discuss the latest bit of drama, my mum thinks it's all normal and that he's just being a man. I'm like a prisoner in my own house, isolated from the outside world because of this lockdown. It's wearing me down, I'm desperate to be back at work around other people but that's not looking likely until May.

I was in a much better place mentally when I was at work, I was still having doubts about the marriage but I was a lot happier than I am now. It's another thing that was causing tension in the marriage, I unfairly resented him for being able to go to work and talk to people in person every day whilst I was stuck at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go. He was getting fed up at my frustration at the neverendingness of it all. His life has largely remained unchanged whereas mine has been turned upside down and I'm feeling the strain of homeschooling and moody hyper children.

As you're married, you have a claim on the home and assets. As you are suffering abuse, you may be able to get legal aid.

Speak to Women's Aid
Speak to the Rights of Women.
Speak to a solicitor.

You may be able to get an occupation order for the house and a non molestation order if you're willing to go down that route.

@category12

As you're married, you have a claim on the home and assets. As you are suffering abuse, you may be able to get legal aid.

Speak to Women's Aid
Speak to the Rights of Women.
Speak to a solicitor.

You may be able to get an occupation order for the house and a non molestation order if you're willing to go down that route.

I don't want any of that. I'm willing to move out, let him stay here whilst we sell the house unless I can get a contract drawn up to say that I'm taken off the mortgage but the house needs to be sold in X years and I get 50/50 of the money.

I don't even want any furniture, he can literally have the house as it is apart from my kitchen stuff, the main quilt and one TV.

I agreed yesterday for him to move back in and I would just do what he wanted because I'm tired of going round in circles so now if I tell him I've changed my mind I'll look like I'm playing mind games.

He's coming with me to my counselling session this week so maybe we can sort something then.

I'm trying to keep things civil because it's no good for the kids otherwise. He's already said he will make my life difficult and will never forgive me. I just need him to be a grown up about it, accept things and continue to co parent which unfortunately for him means talking to me.

GOD DONT LET HIM COME TO YOUR COUNSELLING SESSION
No good counsellor would allow that if there is abuse involved. Or if they do, you need to change counsellors.

Sorry for capitals! That is your space and your time and now he wants to invade that too. He wants to invade everything.

Get legal advice

@mightbealittlebitmad

I'm trying to keep things civil because it's no good for the kids otherwise. He's already said he will make my life difficult and will never forgive me. I just need him to be a grown up about it, accept things and continue to co parent which unfortunately for him means talking to me.

These are empty threats. Who cares if he never forgives you? Like that is your concern right now? Again, he's making it about him.

He wont be what you need him to be. He wont be a grown up. Be who YOU need yourself to be.

An abusive man will never be someone you can expect to behave like a grown up.

As long as you can support yourself and the kids, then getting out is more important than material things, I agree. But be aware you may come to regret giving up too much - and it will not make him behave better, he will not be grateful, he will still see himself as the injured party. He may make it difficult to sell the property. (And you may not be a high priority for social housing while you own a house without support from domestic abuse services).

And him coming to your counselling session is a terrible idea.