Don’t mention the jasmine!

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

I would be tempted to email headteacher and tell just how embarrassed you are by his lack of parenting skills and contacting them!

Perhaps it is email contact only from now only so you can filter them all into a Gellar folder?

Medical emergency he can phone you.

I’d do it. Email the teacher and apologize. Just say you’re divorcing and this is what happens the first day you start ignoring his messages so you can do your own work. She’ll be able to read between the lines.

I had a meeting with my dc’s Head teacher when I divorced the twat.

I apologised and explained I was divorcing an abusive dick any communication from him was not my opinion or thoughts it was just him.

School was super understanding and DDs both had CBT with the school SENCO to help them cope. God I loved that woman and the time and effort and compassion she gave my DC.

I remember the head teacher telling me they had plenty of experience of this sort of situation and that she completely understood.

I feel like he's trying anything to get your attention, even stooping so low as to embarrass himself to the school.

Well done for ignoring him n

I can honestly say I've never wanted someone to shit in their hands and clap at the level I need Geller to do so now. What an absolute albatross.

I've seen toddlers have more successful strops than him! What a pathetic little man.

You need to convey to him when you have them they are your children, your responsibility and when he has them , the same. The only time you need to immediately share child information is illness or emergency.

Can you not put your phone on night mode while you're working so that you only get calls from certain people?

He's word vomiting about everything to you because you used to be in the house to receive it.

You're not there to receive his internal dialogue now and you need to make it very clear so that he doesn't keep doing it months or years down the line.

It's hard when people split up because the evening company and general chatter isn't there and some people absorb it and cope or find other outlets (like you have here) and some think that they can carry on using their ex partner as their word sponge only now it's all done via messages and the context is wrong and it all becomes a bit pathetic because the person on the receiving end doesn't really give a shit if they've had a good day at work or not or if the car needed a new tyre.

I found the only way to deal with it is to either say very bluntly "I am not the person you need to be talking about this with" or to ignore all messages apart from the ones about picking kids up or if they're poorly etc. They get the hint eventually but URGH you definitely don't need their offloading while you're trying to process your own.

Men are generally shit at this process and I'd brace yourself for about 6 months time when he does the "I still love you can't we try again" madness. Their process is utterly baffling tbh.

Buy a burner phone. Tell him you have a new number. Let the burner phone burn take all his compost-corner texts and phone calls. Block him on your other phone. Compartmentalisation. It's a very long word but it works.

@Sicario

Buy a burner phone. Tell him you have a new number. Let the burner phone burn take all his compost-corner texts and phone calls. Block him on your other phone. Compartmentalisation. It's a very long word but it works.

This one usually works better the other way around - give everyone except him your new number.

Otherwise if he has your "new" number and your "old" number but isn't getting a reaction on the "new" one he might catch on, or at least try the "old" number too until he gets a response. Then ou end up with his nonsense on both numbers as he hedges his bets.

If he's in the dark and only has the one number then he can't reach out his tentacles to you.

He really doesn't understand what being separated means, does he?

@justilou1

I’d do it. Email the teacher and apologize. Just say you’re divorcing and this is what happens the first day you start ignoring his messages so you can do your own work. She’ll be able to read between the lines.

Definitely clarify with the school.

You need to let them know he's insisted on 50/50 and is now looking after his children for the first time.

He's a twat. You owe him nothing.
I wouldn't care about his rep in the school.

@sapnupuas

I feel like he's trying anything to get your attention, even stooping so low as to embarrass himself to the school.

Well done for ignoring him n

This. Wtf goes through their heads. Keep ignoring him and literally only check at lunch and dinner. Ideally dinner only. Start as you mean to go on.

Upvote for a new phone number for you. I recently got a SIM only deal for £9pm. Dig out an old phone and get going.

Also upvote for a clarifying email to the teacher. His messages to you about your children are JUST APPAULLING.

Also I am 9,000 pages late but a motivational phrase i like is the only way out, is through.

I'd tell him clearly this has to stop,you will be blocking him on your phone, he can email if there is an emergency, an emergency involves, a bucket of blood /high fever/unconsciousness

Your girls are normal children, & most parents are struggling, but he unwilling to try to help her calmly. Not surprising she gives up if he is unable to keep polite & calm, the things he says to you, like writing to school, not getting into grammar school, social services, he will also have said to Dd yesterday in his lashing out . This has to stop.
Other than being undermining, frightening & hurtful, is not fair or true. & importantly wont encourage her/them to continue or improve
& when you get them back you get the fall out if bad behaviour to boot

Are they in the same class at school?

Yes they are - single entry form

Yes that's exactly what I'm worried about @Mix56 - that he'll have said all this to her.

@StuckInPollyannaMode maybe when you tell him that the verbal downloads to you have to stop you can firmly add that you sincerely hope he has not mentioned any of this to DD as it can only negatively impact her.

It may, make him stop and think clutching at straws here at least not say anything further.

I do think you are handling this incredibly well, I would have exploded at him by now!

OP,
Obviously retain all these texts.
Find out from your daughter has he said anything at all to her.

If he has, query by text why he would do that.
A paper trail I think will be invaluable to you going forward.
Such a fxxkwit isn't going to change overnight.
You and your daughters may come to the conclusion that very limited contact is in fact in their best interests.

As the saying goes "prepare for the worst, hope for the best".

This is why I would tell him the texts need to stop and it is emails only (nice paper trail, filter to folder so easier to ignore).

Phone for medical emergencies only.

If I understand correctly it is only since dd2 has been doing her schoolwork with with him on his days that she has started to "go off", not understanding etc
She was coping better than DD1 before anyway.
This problem with school seems like it is all to do with his inability to parent.
Would it be possible for them to do 5 half days each?

Just catching up on your new thread. I think you need to send him a message to say when he is parenting the DC you do not want to hear from him unless it is an emergency. Not enough to tell him to only contact you about the DC, as you will get a diatribe of drivel all day like you have been receiving.

@StuckInPollyannaMode
Have these messages and comments only started since he's been served with divorce papers? I'd mention all this to your SHL.

Just popping up to say my god, he is SUCH a dick. Polly you are well rid.

Well I've picked DD1 up from him and she's happy as anything - was very quiet in the car coming back but has wolfed a bowl of baked beans and some fruit and is happily singing along to her assembly.

I'm going to make a note of it all and start messaging stuff he needs to know just once a day - ie DD1's medical appointment info and reports - his messages started at 6.42 this morning. When I picked her up at lunchtime he was all sighy and going for a walk to clear his head because he just needs some space.

OK, said I

@Grrrpredictivetex no, he's always been a bit like this, but I'm finding it absolutely overwhelming now - he's just so relentlessly negative about them, it's never the positive side of things. No wonder I turned into a cup half empty sort of person.

@Mix56 Much as I'm happy to lay things at his door, that is perhaps a little unfair - she can be a monkey - I caught her on YouTube the other day rather than her lessons!! But she is usually much more focused yet she is the one who struggles more to read. I read with them every night and day by the way, and her maths is much stronger than DD1s, so it's swings and roundabouts, I just keep plugging away and hoping one day it will stick!

From my point of view we'll do what we can and keep on keeping on, but I'm not going to stress about it nor let the kids do so. To be honest I'm still laughing about his inability to do Year 3 maths.

Just heard from 2 other parents - friends of mine more than his - that he is obviously really struggling and is messaging them. I feel sorry for him but he's not my problem any more, I need to focus on the kids and minimise the impact on them.

I feel like I have a permanent hangover at the moment, a bit sick and headachey. Not in a Covid way! More emotionally if you know what I mean?

Positive things. I have washed my bedding so have a nice clean bed to climb into tonight, the snowdrops are out, it's stopped raining, and it's chicken and gammon pie tonight. And I've got my girls back, so we can have lots of cuddles later.