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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t mention the jasmine!

962 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 31/01/2021 10:47

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
IM0GEN · 01/02/2021 17:47

I think he’s saying that this is neither fun nor easy. For 8 years he has only been doing the fun, rewarding and easy parts of parenting.

So therefore this part of parenting must be your work. And if you don’t take over RIGHT NOW then your daughter won’t get into the best grammar school and her life will be a failure and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

“ This is what I was afraid of - that the children wouldn’t cope with the divorce. But you wouldn’t listen “

Or alternatively social workers will come and take her away because she’s not keeping up in maths. That will be your fault as well.

Social workers don’t have much to do right now anyway, what with the huge rise in domestic violence, child neglect and poverty. I’m sure they will be happy to come round and deal with your Dds maths.

Or perhaps it’s the school’s fault because they won’t have her in class Maybe once he explains that he is a Busy and Important Man who shouldn’t have to waste his valuable time home schooling his own children, they will see the light.

Catmaiden · 01/02/2021 18:03

Just disengage, and ignore him. Google "grey rock" technique, and apply it!
He is such a twat, though Angry

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2021 18:27

Oh my god 😂

The email he has written school!! I need to laugh at this, hence sharing this choice paragraph so you can all enjoy it

‘It fills me with no joy at all to write this. I simply don't know what to say or do. She clearly wants to be in school, which quite understandably she can't be everyday and the result is she is almost deliberately not concentrating.

I'm open to advice, but also feel very low about the whole experience.‘

OP posts:
mbosnz · 01/02/2021 18:31

Was there an 'alas' at all in the entire missive? Or an 'alack'?

pointythings · 01/02/2021 18:32

Well, he's given the staff at the school a good laugh, which is a great kindness on his part.

I can just see him sitting at his desk, drooping dramatically, with his hand flung up to his forehead. Kind of like the picture.

Don’t mention the jasmine!
SwanShaped · 01/02/2021 18:33

Well he’s pretty much summed up lockdown learning hasn’t he! Social services are gonna be even more busy if that is now worth a referral....

CheshireCats · 01/02/2021 18:33

He is still trying to take up your time/ draw you in. Not only do not reply to his drivelsome texts/emails, but explicitly say , you are separated/ divorcing. You are either working or busy with other things when he has the girls. He needs to deal with issues as their parents and stop texting you unless an emergency occurs.
Also, don't offer to stop work and go and get the girls - he is paying you a settlement based on 50/50 care. That means he has to adult/parent all on his own during his time. Otherwise, your shl will be going for 70/30 care with more maintenance payable. I think you will have to spell it out to him clearly ( in words of one syllable!?)

Inaseagull · 01/02/2021 18:41

Geller remembered it was his day for home schooling.

RandomMess · 01/02/2021 18:48

I'm embarrassed for him!!!!

FelicityPike · 01/02/2021 18:49

Jesus suffering....
Cringe.

Sunbird24 · 01/02/2021 18:54

That’s so getting printed out and pinned up in the staff room...

Sunbird24 · 01/02/2021 18:55

Are the girls switching tomorrow so she’s in school and he’s got the other one? Can’t wait to see what his next life or death problem is...

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/02/2021 19:05

Bless his heart

Cavagirl · 01/02/2021 19:06

Long time lurker here OP....
Delurking to say please just let this one with the school etc play out with him, don't intervene to "fix it".
All his messages etc are based upon his fundamental belief that you are the ultimate "owner" of issues with the girls and therefore he reports back dumping his catastrophic thoughts on you, for you to solve.

Now the school is also the owner of this particular problem, in his mind, although no doubt they will be less accommodating.
If you keep engaging, keep offering to pick up the pieces, help, you are simply reinforcing his belief that you are the ultimate "owner" of your girls, and his job is simply to report issues to you, in order for you to fix them.
Meanwhile he's only paying you for 50/50.
Please find a way to zone him out and force him to manage his own issues - it will either result in him stepping up Hmm or more quickly realising that the better solution is more time for them with you and paying up accordingly.
He needs to bloody grow up and unfortunately he will need to learn that the hard way, for that you will need to make yourself sit on your hands for a bit, play the long game!

JaneExotic · 01/02/2021 19:17

Primary headteacher here.
We are getting some emails like that.
We would say yes, we agree, it’s a difficult time at the moment for everybody. Is she unsafe? No? What support do you think she needs?
Why aren’t you able to offer that support? etc
We weed out the ‘oh it’s hard and I can’t do it’ brigade from the ‘my family is really struggling and any advice you can give would be appreciated’ parents.

On another note, a good tip for PDA/ASD children is to use a timer and/or a timetable. Pictures or words to break it down further into ‘now’ and ‘next’, with even snacks and free time built in.

This works because it removes the conflict of the parent being the bad guy, making demands etc. The child has an inanimate object making the decisions which is easier to accept.
You then become a team - ‘yes, love, it’s frustrating doing this maths, isn’t it? But that’s the ‘now’ activity. The timer says just 5 minutes more and then it’s snack next.’

Hopefully that doesn’t sound too patronising!

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 01/02/2021 19:17

Oh, Jesus. If I got something that pathetic in my inbox, I'd be forwarding it without comment and then picking up my phone for the Whatsapp that would be incoming for a reaction text.

He's mentioned SS because he's escalating his attention seeking behaviour. He probably thinks that somebody will sit you down and tell you that the only reasonable course of action is for him to move in with you and your DC will become hopeless dole layabouts as a result of the shame of not attending Grammar School if he bewails his fate to the Headteacher.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2021 19:19

I’ve found an old episode of Bake Off and I’m eating cookie dough 😆

He is going to bed with them at 8pm.

I don’t have a child problem. I have a soon to be ex-husband problem.

He’s not got 50/50 by the way - is more like 70/30 - but he is helping out as if I’m doing it all then I can’t earn

I need an early night I think. God knows what school will say.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/02/2021 19:29

Why do you even know that he is going to bed with them at 8pm FFS

He has verbal diarrhoea.

I would be so irritated I would be responding "I give not one shiny shit about your bedtime"

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2021 19:31

@JaneExotic thank you so much (great name!) that’s exactly the approach I use with her, except not with a timer, so I’ll try that. I feel totally embarrassed on his behalf to be honest when I read the whole email. Maybe our HT (who is amazing, the whole staff are) will realise that this is him and not me?!

I’m really worried that he’s taking it out on her/them. Not in a safety way, just lots of stressing and snapping.

Yes, tomorrow they swop over.

Going to make a cuppa and go to bed. I feel completely dispirited and like I’m letting them down leaving them with him.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 01/02/2021 19:32

Ah, hadn't realised he's got them overnight. I'd switch your phone, computer etc off so he can't disturb you any further.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 01/02/2021 19:33

@RandomMess have had a hailstorm of other messages ...he is personally very wrung out...very upset by DDs behaviour...their table manners are appalling...updates on his house purchase and work..

I haven’t responded to any of them.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 01/02/2021 19:33

And yes to a private email to the school, telling them you have nothing to do with his complaints and this is all on HIS time with them as parent.

harknesswitch · 01/02/2021 19:47

Good work on not responding op, as difficult as it might be.

Kakiste88 · 01/02/2021 20:01

Delurking having read since your first thread. Well done on the move, divorce and everything.

Just wanted to add to the responses that I'm also a teacher and if we got an email like the one Geller sent it would be read out to much amusement. He's betraying his own complete lack of parenting ability of not being able to handle his own children (which just shows how much the burdens of parenting fell on you when you were still together)

katmarie · 01/02/2021 20:02

You have better willpower than me Polly, I desperately want to message him 'fuck off you TWAT!!!!!' and I've never even met the man. No jury in the land would convict you. And I'll give you an alibi!