Don’t mention the jasmine!

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

*chirp up (and other typos...) Sorry, long day, old glasses

One thing I was glad that I did when splitting with my exh was I stuck to set days/times as I knew he would take a mile if I gave him an inch of flexibility. It meant he had to arrange childcare and ask favours off family when he was working (can you imagine!) but 3 years on everyone is in a good routine, I know allow some flexibility but he knows it’s a favour and not my responsibility. Start as you mean to go on!

He's just going to ask your friends for childcare, though isn't he?

Well friends can't do lockdown whilst in lockdown unless he's formed a bubble 🤦🏼‍♀️

NC since last comment, but OP - please, and as so many others have advised you - do NOT do anything in the way of changing the agreed contact arrangements for him this time. It will set a precedent, and you'll find it almost impossible to be firm when (and it will be when, not if) he asks you again for 'just this once' to accommodate his needs.

Worse, he'll have evidence to show his solicitor that you DID facilitate his arrangements this first time, and that will weaken your position going forward.

When you have the DC in your contact time, OP, you know that - now you are formally separated - it's up to you to sort out clashes that happen in your time, and that any solution you find can't include your Ex. He's just not reasonable enough for that to even be a thought in your head, let alone an option.

Therefore, when HE has the DC in HIS contact time, it is up to HIM - now that you are formally separated - to find a solution that does NOT involve asking you (let alone expecting you to roll over and do what he wants you to do!).

As one wise PP said upthread, email him one line: "The current arrangements are in black and white and we are sticking to them to the letter. Clashes which occur on your contact days with the DC are your issue to sort out. I won't do it. Please don't contact me about this again."

TLDR: OP - do NOT accommodate his request to help out because he has a clash next week. Don't even TALK to him about it, just email him making it clear the subject is closed now, and at any time in the future.

(Apologies for the caps - not shouting at you, OP, just couldn't be bothered to bold those words! Sorry! )

Welcome to all lurkers and new posters

I have just pushed back!! You guys (and Camilla) are awesome - I feel soooo much better!

I said to him in the email that IF requests are reasonably phrased and within a reasonable timeframe I will consider them in future but that IF he continues to speak to me as if I am a childcare provider then I won't and future arrangements will be made via the solicitor.

This weekend I found out the friends he had been so disparaging about (remember them? The people he said he couldn't understand why I had them in my life) are booked in to help assemble a playframe in his garden once the rule of 6 comes into force. Oh, and he's asked MY friend if she can do some more printing for him.

I have made it very clear to them that I do not want him to take advantage of their good natures and that whilst of course I wish things to remain nice and friendly, that he needs to stand on his own two feet and understand that people have boundaries.

Ran 4 miles this morning in the fog and hail. Shoulder gradually getting better. Kids both in school today and whilst I have a mahoosive pile of laundry to put away, I have managed to get my bookcase up and 4 boxes of books out - house already feels happier - I have missed my books.

Honestly I feel on top of the world.

@StuckInPollyannaMode Long time lurker here .
Glad you are doing well and are making time for yourself with the your running ( something I would love to do but have dodgy knees) .
I really admire the way you've handled everything and the way you've stuck up for yourself and your girls .
Onwards and upwards as my mum always says

Well done for pushing back, I'd loved to have seen his face when he opened that email

He's got more front than Selfridges roping your friends in again, if they're generous enough to say yes then let's hope he shows his true colours to them soon

So pleased to hear you're in a great mood, you deserve all the happiness each day without him brings

Ultimately it is up to your friends to choose whether or not they want to be exploited by your ex. They're adults. It would be nice if they collectively told him where to shove it, but the desire to help and the sense of guilt if you say no is a powerful thing.

Funny you should be talking about bookcases - I have just finished redecorating our living room and have thrown our the existing bookcases (brother of DD2's friend has them as he is moving into his own flat) and replacing them with new. DD1 has sorted out all our books except the ones which explicitly belong to DDs into alphabetical order and by series within that. It's lovely, I know where everything is for the first time in 20 years!

He really is a user but your knee that he will delegate to a one and everyone whilst simultaneously dissing them as people

*knew

Every day, in every way, @StuckInPollyannaMode, you are getting better and better. And he is ... not!

Onwards and upwards! 🌹

re the climbing frame, the "friends" may have thought it was really a case of helping for the benefit of the DDs.
As for the printing, friend should really say to him, its 5p a page, & he should be buying one on line, they only cost £50. !
Glad you told him, in your own sweet time, to shove it. but does that mean you are swopping or not ?

No, I am not!

NEWSFLASH: he has just apologised.

I am AGOG. Literally, can’t remember the last time he apologised. Ever.

I’m still not doing it 🤣

Is it possible that the penny has finally dropped???

Absolutely not doing it! But well done him for finding and exercising his clearly very rusty and underutilised humility muscle by way of an apology. . . hopefully it gets even more practice in the future!

(Amazing what a dose of desperation can achieve in terms of the more or less minor miracles. . )

Apologised? What for, exactly? Everything?

@CannotOperateOnThisFailure don’t be ridiculous 😂

For upsetting me with the phrasing he used and his assumption that I would pick up the slack on this occasion

We’re not out of the woods yet 😂

So more "I'm sorry you thought I was treating you as an unpaid childcare provider on this occasion" rather than "I'm sorry I was a shit excuse of a husband and continue to be a shit father but I shall make it all up to you all by giving you a swift and generous divorce and stepping up to my responsibilities"

Yeah "I'm sorry you were offended" type of non apology. I bet.

"I'm sorry you feel I was treating you like a childcare provider"

Yes, notice he didn't say

"I'm really sorry for trying to treat you as an unpaid childcare provider, who I assumed would be at my beck and call (as would all your friends and relatives) for whenever I decided I couldn't fulfill my parental responsibilities and wanted to offload them on to someone else even though it was my time to parent my children"

You know with friends, sometimes they feel like there's more to be gained from the dickhead ex.... I'd distance myself if they are going around to his place. Let them be used. They'll find out what he's like, or not. That's their karma.

Go you, OP! You made sure he blinked first by hanging on and waiting. And now he is (or should be!) aware he can't try and pull stunts like that again.

Still might be worth - when the time comes for things to be officially in black and white and/or from your solicitor - that it's put in writing that childcare in his time is his responsibility, and likewise for you. You know, just in case his humility muscle (I love that idea!) isn't used very often and he does try asking again. Then you really can just rinse and repeat 'I will do what is written in the agreement'.

But you're amazing, OP! You've come so far in such a short time, and you are growing in strength every day. Sometimes I know you don't feel like that, but when all your posts are read in order on MN we can see a woman who has been through hell, is coming out the other side, and isn't just existing, but actually learning to live the life she wants to live. Bravo!