Don’t mention the jasmine!

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

Once you can move it, there are a couple of yoga with adriene vids on YT that are for tight neck. I'm the same lately, just had a video catch up with PT and he pointed out how much I've been doing this past month, in all aspects, and I'm sheepishly in agreement that I need to ease off. But in the meantime, Adriene - but only if it's possible. You know your body. Also, guess this is me delurking! Almost did it to say hi to fellow Northerners, I'm from the place they're producing the Novavax vaccine. Almost did it a second time to say my DS sounds like your DD1 and also steals my bed space, and advise separate duvets for you both!

I’ve used magnesium spray to ease back and neck pain. But I’m hesitant to suggest it as your pain might be from the deep heat.

Mag spray! Good idea. Now I just need to find it...

It’s definitely muscular. It’s eased a lot today, have done a run and a walk.

Yoga with Adrienne a great idea to - I love her.

Sun is out and it’s so glorious we had lunch outside. Almost made me forget the kids made me cry this morning, they were being so horrid to each other.

Oh, I’ve had a very long email from him detailing how the new few weeks will play out (according to him). He includes the phrase ‘Now, on X, I’ve a board meeting so I can’t do pick up that day (one of his contact days) so I will have them the night before instead.’

Erm...twat. And I hate that word so I don’t use it lightly. I will consult Camilla, along with you all 😂

“ Now, on X, I’ve a board meeting so I can’t do pick up that day (one of his contact days) so I will have them the night before instead.’”

No, you will forgo that day because that’s not MY problem.

Do not let him start a habit of chopping & changing his days! If he has issues with a particular date when he’s supposed to have them he needs to either arrange childcare or ask you very nicely.

No. His problems with childcare on his days are exactly that: his. His to own, his to sort, his to have the nightmare of dealing with. The default is not and cannot be to dump them in your lap so that you are (still) the solution to his problems.

The schedule is the schedule. You don’t swap. Otherwise you are setting a precedent.

Maybe 50/50 isn’t so doable for him? Hmmmmm......🤔😬

Absolutely do not swap.

He either has them on set days as per agreement or forgoes contact altogether.

He is back to wanting 50:50 and expecting you to facilitate it around his commitments and wants.

I would be tempted to just "no I cannot have the DC on YOUR CONTACT DAYS"

However is the current agreement 50:50 or not? Letting him cancel altogether well then provide evidence that he cannot manage close to 50:50.

Let him sink his own ship?

A 50/50 schedule is exactly that. It's not 50/50 until it doesn't fit Geller. Can you imagine his reaction if you did the same? You would bend over backwards for your DC but he only plays the parent when it suits his narrative.

I'm a lurker, who has been HUGELY impressed by your resilience and good humour thus far... and I am deluding to say, absolutely DO NOT swap days for his convenience! Days x, y, z are you, a, b, c is him. If he chooses to prioritise his work over his children, he forfeits that day.

I think it's important at this stage to stick strictly to your respective days because I suspect this little twat may go off whining to Court and the first thing the Court will look is what the pattern has been between split and case. If you've bent over backwards to ensure 50/50, that's the pattern that will endure regardless of the fact it's to your detriment. If it's actually 30/70 because of Geller's work, it's difficult for him to get past that...

*delurking not deluding

Absolutely do not accommodate him!
What pp have said. It's up to Geller to sort his schedule out to parent HIS children.
(previous poster, with a namechange)

Lurking....came in late but the delicious sounding food swept me in... just another to vote do not swap days, not unless he will do the same for you (and he won’t).

I think you must tell him that he will need a babysitter if he is unable to care for them on his watch.
Parenting involves commitment, planning & yes, sometimes being inconvenienced.
You will not be able to de schedule or swop your work or other commitments every time he has something more important.

Would you expect him to do pick-up on your day if you had a work commitment? I'm guessing not. Would he be happy doing pick-up on your day if you had a work commitment? I'm guessing not. You, I suspect, already have strategies, support networks, and coping techniques in place. His, I suspect, has been relying on you to do it all. He is going to have to learn new strategies, create a different support network, and create coping techniques. Now, is as good a time as any. If he wants 50:50, he's going to need them.

YY to @Mix56. If you are very generous you can pass on the details of a known babysitter or a well known childcare website, or just "I've heard after school club is good".
If not "oh dear, that's awkward for you".

I think you have to decide what you want to happen to the girls when he inevitably let's them down. If it's childcare then make that clear to him and your solicitor. If you want first refusal before childcare then let your solicitor know so that can be written into the agreement. I would also want to make it clear that he does not dictate the swapping of days, he asks you, nicely, and should be prepared for the answer to be no. He still thinks you're his employee.

Oh that fucker genuinely makes me ARGH out loud and now I have to explain to the dog why I’ve woken him up!! He is indeed a twat. His days his problem unless genuine emergency aka I’m in hospital obvs OR he asks nicely and you are ok with it, the absolute fucker

It's complete deja vue - back to the beginning of splitting of him wanting 50:50 but failing to deliver it daily.

Do you have a current contact schedule?

Just say that doesn’t work for me. We will be sticking to the contact schedule.

Also if you haven’t already it may be worth telling your friends what’s going on. In case he tries to get them to help you out to accommodate his preferred changes.

Magnesium oil is available on Amazon or Holland and Barrett it really helps when my shoulders go into spasm and with migraines, actually helps with sleep too.

Ummmm... I think we know the cause of the pain in the neck!

He's still trying to call all the shots isn't he! His work commitments are nothing to do with you and they are his to sort out around his children.
I can't get over the cheek of TELLING you what you'll need to do to accommodate him.
Absolute idiot.
Stick to your guns!

His days are his responsibility. If he's struggling with childcare he either needs to pay for this, or ask you very nicely.

I'd probably want to let rip about how he intends to deal with 50/50 parenting if he can't even organise to now, and dig my heels in and not help via email. I'd probably say I'd arranged something I can't get out of so he has to sort himself out. I'm even dressed and sober

But that's not going to help, other than making you feel better for a few minutes. I'd respond via your solicitor and see what she thinks.

It's wound me up and I don't even know him

Don’t give him any warning about the 50/50 yet. He’d arrange a nanny just to be spiteful. You have definitely arranged your own work plans around your OWN access arrangements, so you won’t be facilitating HIS.

Actually, I like the idea of leaving it to the solicitor. But making sure it’s last minute, just to affect him the most.

I have just read all three threads, and YOU are MARVELLOUS! If you were near me, I’d drive round with a bottle of gin and a massive thumbs up.
I am sorry for all you have to go through and have gone through with your girls. But boy, oh, boy, you’re doing great!
Gelled sounds like a massive man child. I am sorry you have to deal with his crap.
Re all his messages: can you get a cheap Pay as You Go sim and handset and use that for his crap only? Freeing up your ‘real’ phone for work? Just tell him you lost your phone/changed your contract whatever?
Re the girls and wanting your bed: they’re going though a massive upheaval at an age that’s already tricky (I remember 7-8 w my daughter: it had some hideous moments. Her happy, safe place was our bed. Still is at 12, but very rarely. When there’s stuff going on in her life, head, school, etc and after a long period around 5-8 of trying everything (bribes, threats, promises, strategies - all of it), we tried just relaxing around her need to sleep in our bed, and acknowledge that she needed the comfort. (I KNOW how that sounds!!). It helped a lot. She comes in on a rare occasion now, when lockdown bites or she has a health worry (slight anxiety about health issues, very long separate story). But we just let her (and one of us fecks off to her bed instead. Which is nice, and in the largest quiesest room of our tiny house, so not really a sacrifice ;)
But, honestly, with the separation and all the Geller bullshit, I can see why the girls need you extra and that reliability and being near you At All Times. Which puts extra pressure on you. But they sure as hell don’t get that warmth, comfort and stability from the volatile manchild so utterly focused on his own needs and wants.
You are amazing. I hope you continue to thrive and do well. I am certain you’ve had tonnes of advice and messages, but still wanted to Chris up and say, Iread it all. And I am I. Awe of your levelheadedness, clear headedness, persistence in what you need to do for you and your girls. Utter ovaries of steel & I bloody salute you!