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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t mention the jasmine!

962 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 31/01/2021 10:47

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
RandomMess · 18/02/2021 14:36

Glad you have had a better day.

You will deal with your weight when you are ready to. It's always easier when you are sleeping well etc. Try not to drink alcohol or eat sugar in the late evenings they disrupt your sleep!

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 18/02/2021 16:05

Good run! It's almost spring like eh? Don't worry about everything at once you need to be kind to yourself and restricting food prob won't help. Drink gin tonight but save some for tomorrow (or turn your phone off if you can)

1WayOrAnother2 · 18/02/2021 16:15

You can deal with everything... just not all at once.

Have your gin tonight and think about being another step closer to freedom - 'enough unto the day'!

I agree aboutturning off the phone - can anything good come from it tonight?

pointythings · 18/02/2021 17:10

PollyAnna in the interest of self-preservation I think you need to limit the number of goals you set yourself here. Running - great, gives you that high. Selling stuff - great, gets rid of relics of the past and gives you a bit of extra cash. Apart from that you are dealing with the divorce and all its fallout, not just for you but for your girls, and holding down a job in lockdown. Your relationship with sugar can really, really wait.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 18/02/2021 18:59

@pointythings

PollyAnna in the interest of self-preservation I think you need to limit the number of goals you set yourself here. Running - great, gives you that high. Selling stuff - great, gets rid of relics of the past and gives you a bit of extra cash. Apart from that you are dealing with the divorce and all its fallout, not just for you but for your girls, and holding down a job in lockdown. Your relationship with sugar can really, really wait.

This ^

justilou1 · 18/02/2021 20:01

She is getting rid of a really big relic from the past... He’s being served his divorce papers tomorrow! Woohoo!!! Bet it comes as a shock.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 18/02/2021 21:33

I think he’s been served today. Or at least that the email has been received re spousal.

He’s sent me an email demanding to have the girls 50:50. Wordy as usual, and ends with this treasure:

“Life for both of us might change again in years to come, but let’s not worry about that right now. Right now, the girls seem relaxed and our situations (arguably, especially mine) makes things work, so let’s keep that good spirit there for them. All four of us will change and evolve over time, and that’s part of life.”

Desperately upset and worried and can’t even hide to cry as I’ve got them in bed with me.

Wasn’t anything to do with having my phone on...although that is going off now...came through on my laptop as we finished tonight’s film and the girls got excited I’d an email from Daddy.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/02/2021 21:37

You have tonnes of evidence that he can't handle 50:50.

It's ok to be really really upset.

You know it's about the money and that really hurts Thanks

CheshireCats · 18/02/2021 21:40

He won't get 50/50.
You have so much evidence he can't cope. Hugs x

Lougle · 18/02/2021 21:42

The girls do not seem relaxed and your Ex is anything but relaxed when he has them. They are also unsettled when they return from him to you.

Don't let him repaint the situation.

justilou1 · 18/02/2021 21:51

He’s deluded. (As usual.) Oh, and communication should be going to solicitor anyway.

justilou1 · 18/02/2021 21:55

I also love the “Demand! Demand” Implied threat” followed by pukey, falsehood attempt at pretending things are “normal”.

Although given that he hasn’t stopped asking you to “do all the things” for him, they still are. The only thing that’s different, is that you have stopped.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 18/02/2021 22:15

Bloody hell Polly that's some very recent history he's trying to rewrite, isn't it? They are nowhere near settled with him and he on knows it. This strikes me as being all about the power over you that he gets from threatening 50:50. He knows he's out of control of all of this because he sees it crumbling round him, so to give him back some power he's making it sound like it's a blissfully stress-free translation for you all. What a turd. Sending very unMumsnetty hugs over the fact you can't cry right now, and that's because - as always - you're putting your girls first. You wonderful mum x

frazzledasarock · 18/02/2021 22:18

Take a deep breath.

They always want fifty fifty or in my case twatface demanded 8 nights a week 🙄

He won’t get it, he has sent emails to school, he has been blowing up your phone, he’s been messaging your friends. All saying he can’t cope.

Don’t respond to him. Decide how you want this to work, you know what your girls can cope with, and go for that.

He was never going to be reasonable or realistic about contact arrangements. They never ever are when they realise they have to pay for their own children.

Remember this is the dickhead who wouldn’t buy his children much needed laptops for school work but got himself an iPad.

No way will he get fifty fifty. Have you told your solicitor about the iPad. I would.

katmarie · 18/02/2021 22:22

He doesnt want 50/50. He just doesn't want to spend the money. You have plenty of evidence to prove that 50/50 is not in the girls best interests and ultimately that is what has to drive any arrangement for them. You know this because you're a brilliant mum who puts her children first. He doesn't get this at all because once again he is putting his bank balance first, just like he did when he let you struggle and worry about money while he was squirreling away his half a million pound pension.

Let your solicitor deal with him, concentrate on you and the girls. You don't need to waste time and energy on his shit, you're paying someone else to do that, might as well make the most of it.

C0RAL · 19/02/2021 01:07

Can I just check - is this the same man who emailed the head teacher to say that she would HAVE to give his child a school place because he couldn’t cope with her ?

The man who suggested that social services might have to get involved as his DD couldn’t do her maths ??

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 19/02/2021 07:17

There’s nothing like a good nights sleep and that was nothing like a good nights sleep!

@frazzledasarock 8 nights a week?! Ha.

I want to reply with a one liner:

After the messages and frantic call I had about them at the weekend, and the way they have been glued to me since, you must be fucking joking.

And then hand it over to my solicitor.

@C0RAL yes, that’s right. The same chap who wants a Cutlery Consultant to come in and sort their table manners out, who sends constant negative messages about their behaviour, who seems to have no joy or pleasure in their company. @RandomMess is right, this is about the money and that hurts like hell. He is impressed with how they have adjusted - That’s because I’ve been working my arse off to make it like that for them!! This is the guy who called and messaged me on Saturday practically in tears unable to cope with them.

I am done being kind. In return he is patronising me and pushing me around.

Last night DD1 was in bed with me and awake for an hour at 3am talking to me. She said that Daddy shouts a lot more than me and his face is always red and that he isn’t fun like he used to be. That she likes it here more and doesn’t like going between us. That says it all to me.

Is it totally underhanded to ask the girls what they want? I in no way want to put them in the middle but are they old enough for their wishes to be taken into consideration?

OP posts:
C0RAL · 19/02/2021 07:57

Sorry you didn’t sleep well 🙁.

I’m not an expert but i think their wishes won’t be considered much as they are young, and it will be judged in their long term interest to have some sort of relationship with their father. But of course that doesn’t mean 50:50 . The most important thing is stability for them so unless he’s been doing 50% of childcare for the last 8 years and can prove it........

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/02/2021 08:07

I mean on the plus side he has left a MASSIVE paper trail of how he’s not coping and how the girls aren’t adjusting so luckily he’s fucked himself but still horrible that you have to fight it.

Lougle · 19/02/2021 08:17

I think they're behaviour speaks volumes about how they feel and it would undermine your situation if you asked them. At the moment, you have written proof that he's not coping and two girls who genuinely demonstrate how they feel. If they were asked, they couldn't say anything that would indicate that you are manipulating those feelings. If you ask, then they will say 'Mummy asked us and we told her we didn't like it at Daddy's' which would indicate that you're influencing them.

Let it play out for now, but keep a record of every text, every call, every email. Keep a diary of how they are when they return from him. Let your SHL advocate for you.

katmarie · 19/02/2021 08:19

The level of delusion he is living with is truly impressive. Glad you're finding your anger though, he doesn't deserve your endless patience. Save that for your kids.

While the girls are quite young, and so their wishes would be given limited weight, I think how they feel about going to their father's needs to be at least recorded somewhere, in case he seriously wants to dispute living arrangements. It might be worth keeping a diary or journal of their feelings, behaviour when they come home etc, alongside all the messages and emails from him. It's all part of the fuller picture, and will help show that you are focused on what's best for them, as well as supporting their right to a relationship with their dad as much as is possible.

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 08:44

This whole reaction also means he really didn't expect you to go through with the divorce! All those discussions at mediation around finances completely ignored!

Glad you have found your anger. Write down what DD said along with the time etc.

frazzledasarock · 19/02/2021 09:32

If you're in the UK, the children's wishes and feelings are considered in the overall picture.

My girls waited with agonising eagerness for the magic tenth birthday which is when (at that time) CAFCASS the courts listened to the girls. My younger DC was very upset thinking she'd be forced to carry on with contact without her big sister, but the courts kept them together and contact ended when my eldest turned ten and begged for it to. My younger DC more pragmatic and told the CAFCASS officer exactly how mean daddy was.
And thankfully CAFCASS listened.

I would also add your DC's wishes, not lend massive emphasis on it, as kids change their minds. But definitely mention this is causing anxiety in your DC and they cling to you after contact, they say daddy is angry and mean and shouty they prefer it at home. And they present unsettled behaviour following contact eg wanting to sleep in your bed being angry/upset (whatever their behaviour is).

Make a diary of rough events to refer to if need be, your threads here will be a good place to collate data from.

When twatface demanded eight nights a week, the email I fired off to my solicitor started something like, well he can fuck right off to the far side of fuck, and get some maths lessons whilst there. My solicitor christened it the FRO response and then in future would send me correspondence from twatface going 'FRO?'.

I wouldn't be nice during a divorce. Go for the jugular. Go for what is yours and your DC right.

You can be sure as anything your ex won't be being considerate and nice or thinking of the wellbeing of you and your girls.

furryboots12 · 19/02/2021 09:47

Hello! I’ve just finished reading your 3 threads, it’s like a novel I couldn’t put down! I’ve laughed with you and cried for you. It’s amazing how much you have been through in the last few months! As many have said before: you are remarkable! Keep strong, don’t let him get inside your head, log his texts, emails, rants to head teacher, note down that DD says he’s angry and shouty when they’re there. Don’t respond, and if you do keep it short and sweet, if you get emotional or swear he might try anything to suggest you’re not coping. He sounds delusional and desperate. He may even be trying to make you angry on purpose so he can use it against you!

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 09:54

I do agree you need to ditch your people pleasing female niceness. His email is all about playing in guilting you into to being "nice" aka a pushover. During your marriage he pulled all the strings and ran around being the lovely wife at all times. No more.