Don’t mention the jasmine!

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

I know I sound weak. I’m not, I’m really not.

But every time I get her sleeping in her bed she goes to his and it all comes tumbling down and then I have to start again.

I think try a mattress on the floor in your room so at least you have the bed to yourself.

I’ve tried that. She won’t.

Even with me lying in bed with my hand down touching her.

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I’ve tried that. She won’t.

Even with me lying in bed with my hand down touching her.

She's massively unsettled. It will pass. X

But also it's fine to rage!! Could you slip into her bed at some point so you get some sleep

No idea what tactics are required.
What about a calm talk to both. & give them a sad heartfelt explication, its all new, you all need to get used to the new house/situation, you will never leave them. But.... you are doing everything you can, & you need all 3 to pull together, for school, for "entente" & for sleep... it will all be alot more harmonious if everyone is rested, (all 3) & pull together & cooperate than make it a constant battle.

& yes get up & go to her bed.

I wouldn't worry too much at her sleeping with you (and yes, sneak into her bed when she is asleep). xxx You are all doing great, you don't have to be supermum, just relax for the time being. (covid not helping either x)

Sorry about last night’s sleep related tantrum.

I meant to get up to move but fell asleep. DD2 squeezed in at some point and we all slept til 7.

The problem is that she gets very wound up and has fixated in her head that she can’t get to sleep. Then she just goes into complete meltdown and it’s game over for 2 hours of raging and destroying and lashing out. You can see her struggling to control herself, it’s heartbreaking. We’ve been through this numerous times with her therapist, pastoral support and her paediatrician.

On top of this DD2 (entirely understandably) every so often has a meltdown about attention being on DD1 and that she is allowed to sleep in my bed whilst DD2 can’t.

I would let them both sleep in your bed and go elsewhere 🤷🏽‍♀️

It will eventually stop and whilst Gellar is undoing your work there it probably no point trying to work on it

My DD has sleep anxiety. She got really stressed if she couldn't fall asleep. It's worse in summer.

Cold bedroom, complete darkness and no screens an hour before bedtime helped. But ultimately she's just growing out of it.

A but outside the box but could you buy another single in their room pushed up against DD1 bed with a small gap, you may get kicked less!!

TBH it's probably the smell and calm of your room as much as anything.

If she is anxious by nature could she be scared that you are going to leave, like her Dad has? She needs to be close so you can't leave?

Hi Polly,
Firstly - I think you`re doing a great job. I´m not surprised that the girls are unsettled and want to be near you - but I can completely understand that it drives you nuts sometimes.
I really struggled with having my own space and I would feel resentful about lying in a bed in the darkness waiting for my girls to go to sleep. Eventually I decided that yes, they could sleep in my bed, but I was going to find a way that I would also be able to relax. So, I took my wine/tea, whatever, plus my ipad/kindle and headphones into bed. The girls were allowed to sleep in the bed, but strictly to sleep, not look at the screen, not talk, but lie quietly and sleep.
It became a much nicer space for us all. They knew the rules, and knew they were allowed to be there, and I was more relaxed. Could this work?

I can get my son to sleep by doing the relaxation that my yoga teacher does with us. In a nutshell you tell her to Lie down on her back, let everything flop. Feet arms etc. then you talk quietly & slowly. Tell her to breath in thru nose, out thru mouth, to bottom of her lungs, she feels abdomen fill & empty etc.tell her to imagine her toes relaxing . Then gradually you talk about the soft weight in her (move up her body), feet. Ankles, calves, knees, thighs, pelvis, feel it heavy, pressing inti the bed, etc, then on up to stomach, chest, shoulders, upper, lower arms, fingers, neck, face... relax, breath, then if she isnt asleep. (I am, & Ds is,) you tell her to picture herself , she is in a beautiful place(one that she will love) virgin forest with waterfalls & tropical birds song, warm sun on her face. Water drops running down the leaves glistening etc... a puppy sleeping in a patch of sun... whaterver you can conjure up....
It works😊

It takes 20 mins or so, but her tantrums are longer so time well spent.

Melatonin? GABA supplement (that stuff zonks me out!)

its really hard with PDA (which I think you have said you are considering) and the more anxious she is, the more she will meltdown in her 'safe' place - which is your home. It shows exactly that she is getting distressed going to his place.

its not because she wont do it, she simply cant. I think many people dont understand that about PDA - they really would if they could, but the anxiety makes it so so hard for them. My daughter who is 20 and PDA has had a meltdown this morning and gone back to bed. now she is feeling sick from the anxiety and eating a small amount.

Its hard to know what to address and what to ignore, and to ignore in a way that is 'Im ignoring you deliberately because you will kick off if I attempt to help' but in a kind and gentle way.

next week is half term. Try to remove as many demands as possible. choose your battles. make requests outside of yourself - so that you are not setting them, but its school, or its 'covid rules' or suchlike.

Delurking to suggest an audio book. My niece who was a horrible sleeper lies in bed and listens to Harry Potter or Roal Dahl.

Gives her something to focus on and she pops off to sleep. Means my brother and sil don’t have to fight her. Even if she is still awake an hour later, she is still in bed and relaxed.

Delurking having read all your threads and I think you are doing an amazing job. Hang in there!
My DD (also 8) is a sleep refuser and generally sleeps in our bed or wanders through in the middle of the night. She too is very anxious and refuses to sleep on a mattress next to me. When she has a night when she can't get to sleep and starts stressing, just like your DD, there are a few things I have found that help. Firstly accepting that she will be in my bed again, and not beating myself up about it - the goal is for everyone to sleep, secondly if she's getting stressed, accepting that it is going to take longer than normal. Anything less is then a bonus. I know if I get stressed about it, it's going to take twice as long, so that helps focus me. We have a strict routine of bedtime story, 5 min chat then sleep time. I (try to) calmly tell her that she doesn't need to worry about getting to sleep, because I know it will happen, she has managed it every night so far! Yes, it sometimes takes longer but that's ok, I tell her, there's no rush and you will get there eventually and besides, closing your eyes and resting them counts as sleep. Then we do a few deep slow breathes together. This seems to calm her a little and takes the pressure off. I let her talk a little more if she's still anxious. My DD likes to have some soft music on in the background (it's the same music every night so she knows what to expect). And then I sit next to her while I read/work/Mumsnet. No talking allowed, but cuddles are.
Obviously I have the advantage of only 1 DD to manage, so this may not work for you. And I sound like I'm always calm, I'm not at all, it takes every ounce of energy not to lose the plot and I don't always succeed. They are very long bedtimes.

The great thing about being a single parent is that you can focus on your children's needs without having to worry about another grown up's needs as well.

I would personally buy as big a bed (king-size or bigger!) as possible and let both girls sleep in it with you as they please. Hopefully a bigger bed would make this less uncomfortable for you, and to be honest you'd all be a lot happier if sleep was happy and not stressful etc :-)

When I left my arsehole ex I bought a super king size bed and we all slept together much happier kids and mum! Don't beat yourself up about it kids need their constant safe person in times like this, as soon as I embraced it and made it comfortable it helped my mental health too.

Thanks for all the supportive comments about bedtime. I’ll just take the pressure off. I have a super king in the garage but can’t fit it in my bedroom here!

I’m so fricking cold. Can’t get warm today. Been for a walk in the snow with a friend. Had absolutely delicious crab and chips last night for takeout, now have tea and chocolate and the fire.

He’s got them this weekend and I’ve had 3 messages and a phone call about their behaviour.

I’m so tired. It’s exhausting. And I dread to think the damage he’s inflicting with shouting and lecturing them.

But at least I’m not living with him anymore.

You're not living with him any more, and they get to live with you most of the time - they have a place where they can get away from him too. They have a great Mum who knows what their Dad is like, cares about them, and will do what she can do to mitigate the damage his not so royal arsehole ship does to them.

And three messages and a phone call - the frequency is going down!

Get yourself in a nice hot bath, @StuckInPollyannaMode. That will leave you an a lovely warm glow. Add a few drops of essential oil if you have any (lavender tends to be my go-to), have a good hot drink in bed watching TV/Netflix) and just let go of the day.. 🌹

If he keeps shouting & bawling at them and belittling them, they’re going to refuse to go with him.