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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t mention the jasmine!

962 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 31/01/2021 10:47

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
JackieWeaverFever · 09/02/2021 10:52

@IM0GEN

He thinks he’s the big boss and you are the children’s line manager. He’s drawing these issues to your attention so you can fix them.

They are not meeting their KPIs and it’s your fault. That’s why he hired you - to deal with these staff issues so he doesn’t have to.

That’s why he’s so ‘detached’ as a PP said. He honestly and truly believes it not his job to improve their performance - it’s Pollyanna’s.

Another upvote for im0gen She is spot on...

I also like this text.
They're fine with me. I guess you're just going to have to get used to parenting, and start having age appropriate expectations, and they need to get used to you. Start modelling better behaviour around them if you want them to behave better.

justilou1 · 09/02/2021 10:54

I agree with @MangoBiscuit. This gnome of a man has always got an agenda. If you tell him that his constant interruptions mean that you can’t cope, he will take that out of context and “show proof” of you “not coping”. He is notoriously tight-fisted and yet disinterested in stepping up. It’s logical that he sees the kids as your job. I think you need to spell it out just like that. “It’s a you thing, Geller - they’re fine with me. Get your shit sorted and stop whining to me all the time.”

Drinkingallthewine · 09/02/2021 11:24

If he thought you'd use all these text messages as evidence he's incapable of coping with a 50/50 split then he would likey stop whining to you all the time.
He wants the 50/50 for financial reasons, but is making it clear that he has cast you in the primary parent role. It's annoying but it might be no harm to just mute him and let him rant like that so that you have an extensive record of his inability to cope, should you need it in the future.

callmeadoctor · 09/02/2021 12:42

Oooh yes, good plan to use all his "not coping" texts for evidence!!

NettleTea · 09/02/2021 13:31

yes definately keep these texts.

but agree on muting him. you can block and you can unblock at whim. let the messages go to the ether. If you are not there to go running he will just have to cope and to be honest the girls will not be damaged long term by his awful behaviour in the short term, until he realises he actually cant cope and the contact can be rearranged to something more suitable, they can get into a better routine, and he can just bloody pay the maintanance.

but log it all. log it if you have had to go and get them (you dont have to go and get them)
log how many desperate calls/messages he has sent
log all the rubbish shit he is saying

its all evidence, but mute what he sends so it doesnt disturb you

1WayOrAnother2 · 09/02/2021 16:19

I agree on muting him - or getting a second sim! He has to parent minute by minute when it is his turn.

If there is an emergency, he can reach you in other ways.

Are your children able to contact you directly if they need to ? (They might be more reliable than him!)

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 09/02/2021 17:21

He's just escalating his comments to get a reaction from you.

Awful though it sounds, you need to ignore every single one that comes during the day unless it says 'DTx has just broken her leg jumping off the sofa and we're in the ambulance'.

And then scan through them for stuff you actually need to know. You don't need to know any of that. He's just whining.

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 09/02/2021 21:05

I lost it today.

He’d messaged several times in the morning and I’d ignored. At lunchtime I was on a call and he sent a message asking if I was there.

I ignored for 20 minutes. Then he sent another message saying ‘You’ve missed your chance. I wanted to get your view on something blah blah blah’

Turns out he’s got a friend of mine to print out all his house papers for him to sign as I’ve got the printer, but would I mind asking if she would witness it all for him?

I sent the text up above. Thank you, whoever composed it! Sorry, on phone so can’t go back to namecheck.

He hasn’t read it.

But on the plus side he hasn’t messaged me.

He doesn’t have 50/50 on the kids by the way. It’s more 65/35 weighted to me. Just feels like 50:50 at the moment due to home schooling

Watched High School Musical with the kids tonight. They absolutely loved it. I can’t see what all the fuss was about (and I love Zac Efron)

OP posts:
pointythings · 09/02/2021 21:19

Homeschooling won't be forever, and then you'll be properly shot of him. At that point you can go hardcore on all communication via solicitors only, plus a change of phone number so you can quarantine him from your life.

Sunbird24 · 09/02/2021 21:48

If he’s managed to ask them to print the docs out for him without your assistance then there’s absolutely no reason why he can’t ask them himself if they’ll witness it for him too. He’s deliberately being an arse.

Glad you’ve had a good movie night with the girls, even if you didn’t enjoy HSM as much as they did!

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 09/02/2021 22:33

Probably means his new secretary hasn't actually agreed to it and he thinks that getting you to ask her to witness will mean that she is led to believe that you told him to ask her.

LannieDuck · 09/02/2021 22:59

It doesn't sound like you lost it, it sounds like you successfully ignored him and then attempted to establish some boundaries.

MangoBiscuit · 10/02/2021 00:17

@LannieDuck

It doesn't sound like you lost it, it sounds like you successfully ignored him and then attempted to establish some boundaries.
Indeed! Well done Pollyanna. It does get easier.
justilou1 · 10/02/2021 01:40

You might need to warn your friend that she might be next in line

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 10/02/2021 06:38

Oh I did lose it - just with myself and not him!! There were tears and rants and much stomping

I don’t know why I can’t lose it at him. I’ve never been good at confrontation. I think @IM0GEN has hit the nail on the head with the KPI analogy. Also- whoever said his passivity is chilling- is right. It’s never his fault, never his responsibility

Slept well last night though. Which is something, considering DD1 is absolutely glued to me. Won’t go into her own bed at all. Decided not to fight it right now, she clearly needs it for some reason.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 10/02/2021 07:48

He got one of your friends to print out your divorce papers. This is odd in itself.
Did s/he leave them on his doorstep, or did he go to their house ? (Covid rules)
This would wind me up, but I suppose that is the intention.
1st using your friend as a secretary, & then using your friend to witness divorce. He is pressing your buttons.
As for not answering phone, well done, keep going.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 10/02/2021 08:45

He's such a fucking twatbadger. He's doing as much as he can to push your buttons please don't engage, let him stew, cheeky bastard using your friends!!
You really need a new sim ( don't give him new number, keep old one for him and give new one to everyone else. Agree with WhatsApp too so you can mute and ignore. I'm soooooo angry on your behalf ( not helpful I know) keep on cuddling those lovely kids , you are their safe place and doing a great job.

IM0GEN · 10/02/2021 09:39

@Mix56 is right. He didn’t need to answer or even read you text because his messages were to inform you, not ask you a question.

He wanted to let you know

  • that he has found another PA to replace you
  • that person is someone you consider to be your friend
  • she’s really on his side has not yours

And because he wanted you to be focused on him and his needs and not your work.

Personally I think you are doing the right thing NOT to show him how angry you are. He is doing this deliberately because he’s really really angry at you and he enjoys winding you up. It shows him that he still has power over you and can control you.

If you lose it with him he will then tell everyone how you are not coping without him. And that you are probably having a breakdown - let’s face it there’s no other logical explanation for you leaving him is there?

I know you are angry and frustrated at him, but I think it’s best if you act bored and uninterested rather than showing him how you really feel.

Come here to rant. Or tell your friends - the trustworthy ones I mean. I’m a bit Hmm at your “friend” his new PA.

Grrrpredictivetex · 10/02/2021 09:55

You're doing a great job @Pollyanna. Do hope you're keeping a diary of the children's behaviour after time with Dad. This may be a powerful tool if it goes to court.

NettleTea · 10/02/2021 11:21

brilliant news on sending the message.

justilou1 · 10/02/2021 12:39

Yep... You have all the proof you need that none of this was ever about the kids at all. It’s about keeping you dangling like a fucking marionette. I take it this “friend” of yours is single? I wouldn’t let her have any insight into your life at all, other than you and the girls are fine thanks.

mbosnz · 10/02/2021 12:41

Tee hee, I bet there will be a bit of stomping and raging at his end when he reads that. . .

cjm10979 · 10/02/2021 13:00

Just a thought....
You know you can block his number during the day and unblock in the evening. That way you can still receive calls and text from others without having to turn off your phone.

He might try using another phone...

Original poster
StuckInPollyannaMode · 10/02/2021 14:05

It's a really, really REALLY good friend. And it's the house papers, not our divorce papers. She's married.

I called her.

HE had told HER that I'd suggested she could print them!! That was apparently the only reason he'd asked her.

She'd left them in a box on the doorstep for him to pick up so hadn't seen him.

We're now both cross.

OP posts:
LemmysAceCard · 10/02/2021 14:07

cheeky lying bastard.