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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t mention the jasmine!

962 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 31/01/2021 10:47

Can’t believe I’m onto my third thread.

Previous one here

Been packing the car to go to the tip. It’s rammed! Cat has been out for the first time and thankfully returned.

Greatly enjoyed my walks this weekend. Got an 8 miler in yesterday but the best part was coming back, lighting the fire and getting into a hot bath. Had a zoom with friends last night, touch too much red wine, but it was so much fun.

You’re all right re the petition. It doesn’t matter, he’s just jackbooting. Someone asked what I’d put in, sorry but I’m not comfortable sharing that at present, been advised to keep it to myself whilst it’s ongoing.

Geller is, however, incredulous that I’m not willing to carry on sharing Amazon Prime and Music Unlimited.

The weighted blankets have arrived so I’m just about to go sort out the laundry and the girls run. Been enjoying Radio 2’s musical weekend, but I can’t understand how Steve Wright is still on.

Tip run, then they come back. Roast chicken with bread sauce and roast gnocchi and board games this afternoon in front of the fire I think. Sounds like he’s been running them ragged, lots of walks etc which is good as means I don’t need to!

How’s everyone else spending their Sunday?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
Catmaiden · 08/02/2021 18:38

Stop venting to us and TELL HIM.
And then get a new phone and keep your old sim only for him, so you can turn him off when he has them!

user141631863 · 08/02/2021 18:40

Seriously, change your number for everyone except him and leave him to talk into the ether.

This is just a way for him to control you and it's working right now.

Catmaiden · 08/02/2021 18:42

Honestly he's a toddler, having tantrums and you are just feeding his attention seeking. Stop this, now. You can do it, really you can Flowers

RandomMess · 08/02/2021 18:43

This is him deliberately keeping you focused on him using the girls as emotional blackmail.

Sunbird24 · 08/02/2021 19:22

I think it was suggested a while ago, if he won’t stick to not messaging random crap while you’re working have you considered getting a new SIM card to use for everyone but him?

Mix56 · 08/02/2021 19:29

If it was me, I would say next time you are face to face. Inform him you are blocking his number when the girls are with him, He needs to pull his fucking "Big Girls Pants on," You have a job. He has said he wants to do 50/50, he either is a parent or he can jack it in...Then do it. What is the worst he will have to do? call an ambulance ?
You would only need to do it on a few days for him to understand.
Fucking Hell, he has a management position with minions, why is he crying to Mummy every 15 minutes ?

mbosnz · 08/02/2021 19:35

Or there's doing a head tilt, and saying 'really? They're fine with me. I guess you're just going to have to get used to them, and start having age appropriate expectations, and they need to get used to you. . . and maybe start modelling better behaviour around them if you want them to behave better?'

RandomMess · 08/02/2021 19:40

The irony that he says they need s full attention all the time etc, yet that is exactly what he wants your full attention and needs someone to validate how great he is every step of the way as if he were still 7.

Mix56 · 08/02/2021 19:47

yes, but in a way its the same as with a small child, You are the grown up, you can decide.

Pippapotomus · 08/02/2021 20:15

This isn't 50/50 parenting. It's him babysitting while you work and he's doing a bad job.

billy1966 · 08/02/2021 20:24

OP should pick up a NEW basic phone for the twat and block him on her existing phone...far simpler.

QueenoftheAir · 08/02/2021 21:22

he is personally very wrung out...very upset by DDs behaviour...their table manners are appalling

Another lurker deluding.

What’s really noticeable in the way he talks about HIS own children is how dissociated he is from them. As if he’s had nothing to do with their upbringing, their learning, their table manners.

It’s really quite chilling to read, that a parent should be so passive. If he were a mother, there’d be all sorts of interventions for him, not the children. Medicos etc would be seeing it as a mental health issue in him.

RandomMess · 08/02/2021 21:24

They are his 2nd family yet seems to have learned zero parenting skills, no empathy, no understanding. Even with maturity and hindsight he is utterly clueless that you get back what you put in.

IM0GEN · 08/02/2021 21:31

He thinks he’s the big boss and you are the children’s line manager. He’s drawing these issues to your attention so you can fix them.

They are not meeting their KPIs and it’s your fault. That’s why he hired you - to deal with these staff issues so he doesn’t have to.

That’s why he’s so ‘detached’ as a PP said. He honestly and truly believes it not his job to improve their performance - it’s Pollyanna’s.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/02/2021 21:39

Big hugs Polly

SortingItOut · 08/02/2021 21:57

Can you mute just his texts/messages so your phone isnt pinging constantly?

I did this to my ex husband when he kept hassling me over the breakdown of our marriage. I would check his messages once a day when I was in the right frame of mind to deal with him.
Most of the time I read the message and ignored him.

Lougle · 08/02/2021 22:00

If you have an Android phone, you can block messages from his number, then view blocked messages once per day, say.

CheshireCats · 08/02/2021 22:37

Polly, you are letting him be in control of you (sadly not of his own children though..)
You have got to stand up to him and tell him to stop calling and texting you. You don't even need a daily update with him.
As others have said, get a new phone/put a new sim in an old phone and keep the old number just for him. Check it once a day.
You have got to be strong now - you have done amazingly so far, done all the hard work to get here. Now you have got to firmly establish your boundaries and stop him controlling you.
You can do it - you are nearly there!

Giraffey1 · 08/02/2021 22:44

I know it s hard but you have to find a way to disengage from his messaging especially during the day. Can you not block him on your main phone , buy a cheap sim only phone with anew but her which he can use.but don’t turn it on during the day and don’t respond to any of his messages even when you do read them. It’s time for you to recalibrate. Don’t allow him to keep dictating the way you engage. It will also gradually retrain his expectations.

And no, you don’t go and collect the children, they will be ok.

wifterwafter · 09/02/2021 07:53

I think you need to be absolutely clear to him that his time with them is his time and you don't need to know their every move, how he is or isn't coping etc. This is his way of punishing you and once he knows it won't work he might actually start concentrating on them.

If that doesn't work then a solicitors letter would be my next step.

justilou1 · 09/02/2021 07:59

Haven’t you sent a solicitor’s letter addressing this shit already, @StuckInPollyannaMode?

katmarie · 09/02/2021 08:31

@IM0GEN

He thinks he’s the big boss and you are the children’s line manager. He’s drawing these issues to your attention so you can fix them.

They are not meeting their KPIs and it’s your fault. That’s why he hired you - to deal with these staff issues so he doesn’t have to.

That’s why he’s so ‘detached’ as a PP said. He honestly and truly believes it not his job to improve their performance - it’s Pollyanna’s.

I think this is an excellent description of the situation. @Polly, I hope you're ok this morning. He's a shit, and sadly he's not going to change. Don't let him grind you down.
KleineDracheKokosnuss · 09/02/2021 08:54

They're fine with me. I guess you're just going to have to get used to parenting, and start having age appropriate expectations, and they need to get used to you. Start modelling better behaviour around them if you want them to behave better.

^^

Send this! Then get another sim for use with everyone else. Don’t give him space or lodgings in your head.

MangoBiscuit · 09/02/2021 09:25

Pollyanna, do you want 50/50, or do you want a different split and him to pay maintenance? If he's as much like my exH as he sounds, he'd be happy with less time with them, but less happy about having to pay anything.

Can you reply to his messages with the same question every time "This is YOUR time with the girls. Are you saying you are unable to parent them?"

He is just basically lining up the evidence against him for getting a 50/50 split, if you choose to push back on it. If he realises you're nudging him to give an admission that he can't handle 50/50, he might start thinking twice about messaging you.

As others have said though, you need to disengage from this, for your own sake. You are NOT responsible for how he behaves, whether or not he takes responsibility and steps up. You are NOT responsible for his relationship with the girls. If he's going to act like a dick and mess that up, that's on him. You do NOT fix it. You have to focus on sorting out the bits you are responsible for, and can control. A happy, healthy home for you and your girls when they are with you. Including your own well being and happiness, so that you can model for your DDs, how you cope with stress, and how you treat others.

MangoBiscuit · 09/02/2021 09:28

Oh, and I meant to say. We agreed, via the solicitors, that all contact would go via Whatsapp. I then archived him, so he doesn't always show in my list, and set him on mute, so I don't get notifications. I can then deal with him when it suits me.

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