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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do

112 replies

Troisfoisfilles · 30/01/2021 18:45

So... sorry for this long one
I will give you some background...

Have been in a relationship for about 18 months. I love him a lot but not feeling like it’s reciprocated and think I need to give up.
I have 3 kids from previous relationship and he has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships. We don’t live together- I moved in with my parents a few years ago to save for a deposit and because my mum does the childcare while I work and he has 2 lodgers living in his house. I go to his every night after I put the kids to bed and we eat dinner together and spend the night together. I either then go straight to work or (at weekends) I go straight home. We never spend the day together ever!
I’ve never met anyone in his life- apart from his mum and that wasn’t until august this year. She seemed shocked that I even existed so obviously hadn’t known about me for long before that!
I’ve never met his friends or kids and I’m pretty sure they don’t even know about me. His status on Facebook is ‘single’ which really upsets me. I don’t have Facebook so he obviously can’t put ‘in a relationship with’ but couldn’t he just leave it blank???
There are no photos of me and him or just me on any of his social media sites. It’s like I don’t exist at all in his life apart from 7pm-8am!
Oh and last summer, I found out he was planning to cheat on me with another woman. The next day when he was at work, I left him a note, left his house keys on his table and walked out. Over the next few days he begged and begged and promised me it would never happen again and he’d do anything to get me back. I asked him to actually tell people about me and I wanted to meet family and friends. He agreed but still nothing (apart from his mum). I understand it’s difficult at the minute because of Covid but surely just to tell people he is with someone?!
He’s going round a friends tonight to have a drink with them for the friends birthday. I obviously wasn’t invited but I’m picking him up after. Yes I have told him he shouldn’t be doing it because of Covid but he says it won’t hurt and he hasn’t been out for ever for drinks (what about the rest of us??!).
And the final thing to really upset me... he has a rare day off tomorrow (he runs a business and works all the time) and he’s spending it taking one of his female employees 45 miles away to pick up a wall unit that she’s bought off Facebook and can’t get herself as she doesn’t drive!!

Well done if you got this far!

Any suggestions of what I should do about all of this? I’m really depressed and not happy with how things are going but I’m worried whether I’ll regret leaving him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Troisfoisfilles · 31/01/2021 12:22

@RandomMess

You tell him via text then delete and block on everything.

Do you think you may find on line counselling easier?

I have written out so many texts to him saying it’s over but I always delete them ☹️. I would find this much easier but I always think people are really slammed for breaking up via text. Yes I do think I would find online counselling much easier- I can’t talk to people in real life!
OP posts:
user13752257 · 31/01/2021 12:25

It really doesn't matter what you imagine other people may or may not be thinking about you ending this.

Unless you're planning to announce it on a billboard with your mobile number so people can tell you their thoughts it doesn't affect you.

Given how shabbily he has treated you, guilt is misplaced. It only needs a single sentence followed by blocking him.

RandomMess · 31/01/2021 12:25

Stop caring what other people think.

You can be factual.

I am still a secret so clearly you see this as FWB rather than a relationship with a future so I'm ending it now. Please do not contact me again.

Something like that?

Set up some counselling first? You can write that you have low self esteem to the point you can't end this relationship.

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 12:44

RandomMess’ text suggestion is a good.

I find it difficult to imagine that you are getting anything from this “relationship” and you’re risking the one you should have with your DDs

sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 12:53

Ffs. Your poor children. Lower priority than a shag with a guy who doesn’t acknowledge your existence outside the time you spend with his cock in you.

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2021 13:07

I can't believe your mum hasn't spoken to you about the situation. If my DD was vanishing every night to a bloke's house (who, presumably your family hasn't met?) and coming back the next morning and there was no other sign of a 'relationship' I'd be sitting her down and asking her what on earth she thought she was doing.

nimbuscloud · 31/01/2021 13:17

Does your mother know that he was in a pub last night and that you collected him?

nimbuscloud · 31/01/2021 13:17

Sorry - friends house - not pub.

Reinventinganna · 31/01/2021 13:21

‘Those of you that are just attacking my childcare choices, thanks for the advice and making me feel a bit rubbish about it but honestly, you have no idea about my actual circumstances and how my relationship with my children works.’

Well you kind of outlined your circumstances and said that you prioritise a man over your children. What are you teaching your daughters?

annonymousse · 31/01/2021 13:22

What would happen if you just didn't turn up at his one night? Would he pursue you? If you struggle with confrontation you owe him nothing. You could just drop out of his life silently.

Spartacusdome · 31/01/2021 13:31

Ah just ditch him. Focus on yourself. He’s a total knob who doesn’t appreciate you. Just text.

‘This is going nowhere. I’ll post your keys.’

HighSpecWhistle · 31/01/2021 13:31

  1. you won't regret leaving him. You'll regret staying with him. If he was serious about you, things would have moved forwards by now and you'd have plans to be merging your lives.

  2. arranging to cheat on you is as good as cheating. And to do it within 18 months, when you should be in the honeymoon phase, shows he's really not committed to you or your relationship.

  3. you definitely should not pick him up from the drinks. You may take Covid back to your mum which is really unfair for her. Don't be a doormat, say no.

I wouldn't be happy in your situation, seems like you've settled for a low quality "relationship" which is a shame when you have the opportunity to meet someone who actively wants you in their life.

Original poster
Troisfoisfilles · 31/01/2021 13:33

I’m sorry but I really don’t prioritise him over my children. If they were ever ill, I wouldn’t go. If they ever asked me not to go, I wouldn’t go. If there was ever an issue with any of them, I wouldn’t go.
I literally spend almost every one of their ‘awake minutes’ with them. I only go while they are asleep!
And if you knew my mum, you would not be asking about my choices regarding that matter.
My family have met him. He comes round for an hour or so a few times a week. They all like him because he works hard and seems like a nice guy (which he is apart from this part of him) and my girls adore him- they get far more attention from him than they do their own dad!

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 31/01/2021 13:36

Red flags,you havnt met his family or friends?if he loved you and was proud to be with you surely he would be telling everyone about you !

nimbuscloud · 31/01/2021 13:43

and my girls adore him- they get far more attention from him than they do their own dad!

Almost every single thread on MN where a poster has an issue in a relationship always has this line - my children adore him.
They don’t. He’s just a man that you sleep with. Stop deluding yourself. You mean absolutely nothing to him. If you did you would be sharing his life in a meaningful way.

YouAintKingDingALing · 31/01/2021 13:48

Of course you're prioritising him over your kids. He's socialising with friends despite lockdown, you're facilitating that by picking him up. You're potentially passing covid onto your mum and your kids. How is that prioritising your kids? I'm gobsmacked.

I can't even be bothered to go into the other many many issues.

PegasusReturns · 31/01/2021 13:55

Your daughters adore someone who they have spent only an hour a week with for a year or so?!

This is getting weirder and weirder!

Original poster
Troisfoisfilles · 31/01/2021 14:31

@PegasusReturns

Your daughters adore someone who they have spent only an hour a week with for a year or so?!

This is getting weirder and weirder!

It’s usually 2-3 hours a week. And yes, they adore him. They all crave male attention because they’re dad is an alcoholic loser who never contacts them!
OP posts:
sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 14:36

They all crave male attention because they’re dad is an alcoholic loser who never contacts them

Christ, this gets worse. So they ‘crave male attention’ and you let them get that from a guy who treats you like an unpaid prostitute and taxi driver???
look at the example you’re giving them of how to let men treat you.

Any chance you could show them how to not accept scraps from the table from men?

nimbuscloud · 31/01/2021 14:39

It’s usually 2-3 hours a week.
And yes, they adore him. They all crave male attention because they’re dad is an alcoholic loser who never contacts them!*

And you see nothing wrong with that? Really?

Reinventinganna · 31/01/2021 14:39

It might be good to be single for a while and work on you. You seem to go for men who don’t treat you well. Take time to work on your self worth.

Don’t let people treat you like this.

Reinventinganna · 31/01/2021 14:40

Your mum might be absolutely amazing but she isn’t mum to your dc. You are!

PinkiOcelot · 31/01/2021 14:41

OP you know you need to dump him. Whilst your wasting your time on him your missing out on meeting someone who will appreciate you as you should be appreciated. X

Santaiscovidfree · 31/01/2021 14:42

I ended a marriage by text. Sometimes it is the only way.
My dc were very attached to him but I wasn't being a mug to appease 3 small dc..

TheChip · 31/01/2021 14:44

What do you feel you should do, OP?
If you are only sticking around because you fear you might regret doing so, what is it you would miss?

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