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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what to do

112 replies

Troisfoisfilles · 30/01/2021 18:45

So... sorry for this long one
I will give you some background...

Have been in a relationship for about 18 months. I love him a lot but not feeling like it’s reciprocated and think I need to give up.
I have 3 kids from previous relationship and he has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships. We don’t live together- I moved in with my parents a few years ago to save for a deposit and because my mum does the childcare while I work and he has 2 lodgers living in his house. I go to his every night after I put the kids to bed and we eat dinner together and spend the night together. I either then go straight to work or (at weekends) I go straight home. We never spend the day together ever!
I’ve never met anyone in his life- apart from his mum and that wasn’t until august this year. She seemed shocked that I even existed so obviously hadn’t known about me for long before that!
I’ve never met his friends or kids and I’m pretty sure they don’t even know about me. His status on Facebook is ‘single’ which really upsets me. I don’t have Facebook so he obviously can’t put ‘in a relationship with’ but couldn’t he just leave it blank???
There are no photos of me and him or just me on any of his social media sites. It’s like I don’t exist at all in his life apart from 7pm-8am!
Oh and last summer, I found out he was planning to cheat on me with another woman. The next day when he was at work, I left him a note, left his house keys on his table and walked out. Over the next few days he begged and begged and promised me it would never happen again and he’d do anything to get me back. I asked him to actually tell people about me and I wanted to meet family and friends. He agreed but still nothing (apart from his mum). I understand it’s difficult at the minute because of Covid but surely just to tell people he is with someone?!
He’s going round a friends tonight to have a drink with them for the friends birthday. I obviously wasn’t invited but I’m picking him up after. Yes I have told him he shouldn’t be doing it because of Covid but he says it won’t hurt and he hasn’t been out for ever for drinks (what about the rest of us??!).
And the final thing to really upset me... he has a rare day off tomorrow (he runs a business and works all the time) and he’s spending it taking one of his female employees 45 miles away to pick up a wall unit that she’s bought off Facebook and can’t get herself as she doesn’t drive!!

Well done if you got this far!

Any suggestions of what I should do about all of this? I’m really depressed and not happy with how things are going but I’m worried whether I’ll regret leaving him!

OP posts:

nimbuscloud · 30/01/2021 21:06

He’s using you for sex. And you are using your mother. What does she think about being left with the sole responsibility of your 3 children every night ???

Crumpetloverrr · 30/01/2021 21:23

Wow three small children (assume they are very young if they are in bed at 7pm) and they all sleep all night every night!

Arrierttyclock · 30/01/2021 21:25

Urgh what is the point on this relationship! What's the benefits!? Bin him!

Onwednesdayswewearblack · 30/01/2021 21:58

Can't get over the fact you leave your kids for this loser every night.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2021 22:06

Every night?

You know you're being a mug, right?

And you're picking him up too aren't you? Even though he shouldn't have gone.

Aminuts23 · 30/01/2021 22:06

I can’t believe you leave your kids every night with your parents then go to work from your BFs house. So your parents do the morning routines with the kids?
You are prioritising a man who doesn’t care about you and you’re completely taking your parents for granted. Put your children first

nimbuscloud · 30/01/2021 22:09

Are you intending to live with your parents for ever? You’ve been there for years now.

Oreservoir · 30/01/2021 22:18

So are you a teacher then? In normal times you would take your dc to school or does your mum?
What are you going to do when they're older?

I don't normally ask questions on here but your situation is bizarre.
Regardless if your dc are awake or not every night you pass responsibility for them to your dm.

Personally I think your dp is using you and you should bin him.
I also think you should consider if you're using your dm. My sil used to get left with her dgc who was asleep, it still annoyed her though because she was then stuck in the house whether she liked it or not.

Itstimetoquit · 30/01/2021 22:25

Don't pick him up,you have become an option,dump him x

Original poster

Troisfoisfilles · 30/01/2021 22:29

Let me say something here....

My mum actually does very very little for my kids.
She gets up most days at 11-12. She doesn’t move much from the sofa, where she either just watches tv or plays on her phone.
I do all of the childcare apart from when I am work, when she does the school runs. I do all of the household cleaning, I do the cooking for all of them- including my parents, all the washing etc etc. I am also doing all of the home schooling right now.
My mum actually does very little.
And I pay her for the school runs- when they were at school obviously. In fact, I paid her more than I would a childminder!
I pay rent to my parents- exactly half of the whole rent, I don’t live there for free.
One of the main reasons I moved in was because my mum was having to come over to my house at 7.30am to get the girls ready for school everyday and it was too much hard work for her. My parents pretty much begged for me to move in with them as it would save all of us money and be easier for my mum. I didn’t want to! I miss my old house like crazy and really miss having my own place.
And for getting back to the original point here, this has nothing to do with my mum or my living situation. I was asking what I should do about my boyfriend!

OP posts:

Hazelnutlatteplease · 30/01/2021 22:32

Your kids will have got up in the night and they will know. They definitely will know when you are not there in the morning because you have gone straight to work.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 30/01/2021 22:35

Who gets the kids breakfast if you're are work and your mum is in bed until 11?

Pansypotter123 · 30/01/2021 22:46

What time do your children get up then? Who feeds them breakfast and gets them dressed? What time are you getting home in the morning now you're home schooling?

Original poster

Troisfoisfilles · 30/01/2021 22:48

My mum gets their breakfast when I am work. She gets up late at weekends and during school hols/weekends etc.
And my kids know I go to my boyfriends every night. And they really do never get up at night- they never have. They’ve all slept through the night since a few months old!

OP posts:

Original poster

Troisfoisfilles · 30/01/2021 22:49

@Pansypotter123

What time do your children get up then? Who feeds them breakfast and gets them dressed? What time are you getting home in the morning now you're home schooling?

I get back home every day at or before 8. I breakfast them, make sure they’re dressed and do their hair ready for their lessons (and mine) to start at 9.

OP posts:

AntiHop · 30/01/2021 22:55

It sounds exhausting flitting between your parents' house and his.

MartiniDry · 30/01/2021 22:57

I can't get past the bit where your Mum provides the childcare for your 3 children, which allows you to save money while under her roof, and to top it off you leave your 3 children with your mother every night and all night while you stay over at your boyfriend's house.

Does your poor mother have no life of her own?

It sounds like your boyfriend is using you and needs to be shown the door, but I can't have much sympathy with you in view of how you're using your own mother.

My advice: Dump the boyfriend, put your kids first, and respect your mother. That still gives you sufficient time and space to find a considerably nicer man.

Remona · 30/01/2021 22:58

Any suggestions as to what to do?? Dump him!!

He’s not your boyfriend. He’s never told anyone you exist, you’ve not met any of his friends, you never go anywhere together. You simply go to his house every evening - that in itself tells you everything you need to know. He’s using you for sex, plain and simple.

Original poster

Troisfoisfilles · 30/01/2021 22:59

@MartiniDry

Does your poor mother have no life of her own?

It sounds like your boyfriend is using you and needs to be shown the door, but I can't have much sympathy with you in view of how you're using your own mother.

My advice: Dump the boyfriend, put your kids first, and respect your mother. That still gives you sufficient time and space to find a considerably nicer man.

Did you not read my posts above?!

OP posts:

Resigned2021 · 30/01/2021 23:00

One of the main reasons I moved in was because my mum was having to come over to my house at 7.30am to get the girls ready for school everyday and it was too much hard work for her

She didn’t “ have” to - she was doing you a massive favour. She’s still doing you a massive favour because she’s housing all of you and taking responsibility for your children every night. What would happen if they threw up in the night or had a bad dream? How are you even able to go between the households?

Anyway the “boyfriend “.... I’ll put that one in inverted commas because I fear he isn’t really a boyfriend he’s the guy you’re sleeping with. He’s not that into you I’m afraid.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/01/2021 23:04

Sorry op but you are putting your household in danger of a disease that can kill
For a bloke who pretends it and you don't exist

Take him out of the equation and you are the potential problem here COVID wise

pog100 · 30/01/2021 23:07

OP you've had loads of people telling you exactly what to do with your bf, dump him immediately because he isn't a bf. You are someone he has sex with at night.
Otherwise all you are going to get is hundreds of people judging the way you look after your children, none of whom have a clue about the way it actually works for you and your family.

MartiniDry · 30/01/2021 23:11

Yes honey, I read your posts.
I said what I said.

When I babysit my grandchildren my daughter thanks me and asks how they've been upon her arrival home.
I say "as good as gold". I don't say, "well, grandson got up twice for a wee, and grandaughter came into the sitting room asking for a drink" because those things are trivial. They happen but aren't worth mentioning.

The chances are that my daughter also thinks that her children sleep throughout the night every time I babysit them.

You're wasting time on a man who has no respect for you or for your family. You're obviously intelligent and articulate. You don't need a using jackass. Set your sights higher, for all your sakes, please.

Lipz · 30/01/2021 23:33

Your whole situation is fucked up.

Your bf is using you and you're using your mother.

You are 18 months with him and have never met anyone in his life. That's not normal. You've never seen him during the day, that's even more weird.

Your bf is using you for sex, I'm sure you are aware of this? A relationship is much more than calling to a person's home at night and having sex. He's getting free sex with no strings.

If you are happy leaving your children every night, all night, for a booty call then carry on, otherwise you need to take a good hard look at your life and see that how you are behaving is not right. Put your children first, be there for them and stop making excuses that they never wake, of course they wake, you're just not there to see it, your poor mother is probably exhausted and not awake when they do.

Oh and him carrying on seeing people and going to parties is not on, he doesn't give two shits about you, otherwise he would be looking out for you and ensuring he wasn't putting you or your family at risk from covid, and you need to have a word with yourself still seeing him after he's been around god knows who, and collecting him after his parties, wtf is all that about. What does he want.... Oh let me guess, a night with his mates that you haven't met, a load of drink, then gullible gf picking him up and having a shag, sure he has a great life hasn't he.

wirldsgonemad · 30/01/2021 23:55

Well you're attending to his physical needs, that's all you are to him. Show yourself some respect and bin him.

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