Not sure what to do

[Troisfoisfilles]

So... sorry for this long one
I will give you some background...

Have been in a relationship for about 18 months. I love him a lot but not feeling like it’s reciprocated and think I need to give up.
I have 3 kids from previous relationship and he has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships. We don’t live together- I moved in with my parents a few years ago to save for a deposit and because my mum does the childcare while I work and he has 2 lodgers living in his house. I go to his every night after I put the kids to bed and we eat dinner together and spend the night together. I either then go straight to work or (at weekends) I go straight home. We never spend the day together ever!
I’ve never met anyone in his life- apart from his mum and that wasn’t until august this year. She seemed shocked that I even existed so obviously hadn’t known about me for long before that!
I’ve never met his friends or kids and I’m pretty sure they don’t even know about me. His status on Facebook is ‘single’ which really upsets me. I don’t have Facebook so he obviously can’t put ‘in a relationship with’ but couldn’t he just leave it blank???
There are no photos of me and him or just me on any of his social media sites. It’s like I don’t exist at all in his life apart from 7pm-8am!
Oh and last summer, I found out he was planning to cheat on me with another woman. The next day when he was at work, I left him a note, left his house keys on his table and walked out. Over the next few days he begged and begged and promised me it would never happen again and he’d do anything to get me back. I asked him to actually tell people about me and I wanted to meet family and friends. He agreed but still nothing (apart from his mum). I understand it’s difficult at the minute because of Covid but surely just to tell people he is with someone?!
He’s going round a friends tonight to have a drink with them for the friends birthday. I obviously wasn’t invited but I’m picking him up after. Yes I have told him he shouldn’t be doing it because of Covid but he says it won’t hurt and he hasn’t been out for ever for drinks (what about the rest of us??!).
And the final thing to really upset me... he has a rare day off tomorrow (he runs a business and works all the time) and he’s spending it taking one of his female employees 45 miles away to pick up a wall unit that she’s bought off Facebook and can’t get herself as she doesn’t drive!!

Well done if you got this far!

Any suggestions of what I should do about all of this? I’m really depressed and not happy with how things are going but I’m worried whether I’ll regret leaving him!

The only thing you are in his life is the woman who appears in his bed as if by magic every night.

He is showing no commitment to a relationship with you whatsoever.

You need to end this ASAP. Please ask yourself what made you stay in this for so long? Why do you love him? What do you like about him? Maybe speak to a therapist?

I find it bizarre that you leave your children every night.

Good lord. So much wrong here. I'm amazed you have the energy for nightly sex when you are doing all you say you are doing. I feel sorry for your dc and your mum. You're being used by this bloke as a regular shag and a taxi too. You're using your mum. Put your dc first and raise your bar.

He begged and begged and promised me it would never happen again and would do anything to get me back. I asked him to actually tell people about me and I wanted to meet family and friends. He agreed but still nothing (apart from his mum).

He cheated (making arrangements to cheat is cheating) and then manipulated you. He made false promises...but you stayed.

You are excluded from meaningful parts of his life. He projects himself as single and you do not feature in his SM or his social/family life. You have allowed him to marginalize and pigeonhole you to meet his sexual needs.

You’re on a dead-end street, OP. Don’t you deserve an equal, loving relationship based on mutual respect? Walk away from this using loser asap.

OP why do you allow this person to keep you as his dirty secret? Of course his DM is in on it too.
Hrth but I've read most.
Has your family met this person?

And my kids know I go to my boyfriends every night.

What ages are your daughters?
And hopefully the responses to your thread will help you to realise that the relationship with this man is completely dysfunctional. At least you have not had a baby with him.

I say "as good as gold". I don't say, "well, grandson got up twice for a wee, and grandaughter came into the sitting room asking for a drink"

This. I took me until the kids were much older and DD told me to realise my one with SN was just as much/way more trouble for my mum and dad the odd times I left them as he was for me.

You are leaving them daily for, quite simply, a shag with a shitbag. This will feed into their relationship with you, and their relationship with Nan. Frankly she is actually the most reliable relationship in their lifes, you barely even live with them!!!. (Be careful if you are claiming benefits as a singleton) Sod whether your sometime shag comes with you to France, have you given any consideration at all to how the kids will feel being removed from ther joint primary caregiver?

You may even find you mum has been so involved in the kids life she has way more legal rights than you anticipate.

You need to start living in a way that fits in with your long term goals and reprioritise your children

This is a non relationship that you are treating with way more importance than it is worth

@MartiniDry

Yes honey, I read your posts. I said what I said.

When I babysit my grandchildren my daughter thanks me and asks how they've been upon her arrival home.
I say "as good as gold". I don't say, "well, grandson got up twice for a wee, and grandaughter came into the sitting room asking for a drink" because those things are trivial. They happen but aren't worth mentioning.

The chances are that my daughter also thinks that her children sleep throughout the night every time I babysit them.

You're wasting time on a man who has no respect for you or for your family. You're obviously intelligent and articulate. You don't need a using jackass. Set your sights higher, for all your sakes, please.

So in the many years before I started staying at my boyfriends every night, which was July last year, they slept through every night but now they don’t?!

Do your kids not bounce in and give you a hug in the morning?

Nope because they cant. Who do you think they will be doing that to.

Did you spend Christmas Eve at his? Christmas night?

How do you think they will feel when they are older that you left them every night so that you could go to a mans house for a shag? Does that not bother you ?

@nimbuscloud

Did you spend Christmas Eve at his? Christmas night?

No. Both of those at home

Please end this relationship you deserve someone that truly loves you, that is proud to be with you.

This is trashing your self esteem!!!

When I read this I was embarrassed for you, you leave your children, and they know about it to see a man who is not your boyfriend-he is a man you visit, eat dinner with and have sex with, and I bet you pay for and cook the food. I hope in a few years time after you stop communicating with this man you look back and see what an idiot your being and laugh. He is not planning a future with you, if anything I bet you find in the next few months he will be misteriouy busy in the evenings, with his new actual girlfriend who he is putting himself out for, spending time with and taking days off for. I can not believe you are collecting him from his pals and have not been invited and you are ok with this-I bet he pretends you are the Uber driver. Don’t let yourself be treated like this.

@Troisfoisfilles

That’s what I thought- he’s just keeping his options open. I’m not all that pretty which I think is the reason he won’t tell anyone about me. He’s waiting for someone prettier to come along. But he’s also making plans for our future. I’m planning on moving to France over the next 5 years and he’s saying he’s coming too. He’s working hard now to save enough money to do so. And he even said the other night ‘my wife to be in the future’. Just very confused!

Yeah, sure he is.

Anyway op, leaving aside answers about your dc/mum - did you pick him up last night?

What are you proposing to do about this "relationship" after the reactions you've had?

What has gone so wrong in your life that pick up a man from a party he shouldn't be at and drive him home so he can have drunken sex with you?

Your children may well sleep through but there is no way all three go to bed at 7pm on the dot while you slip out of the door to deliver sex to a man who makes you feel worthless.

Stop. Just fucking stop it. You have the honour and joy of three young children, who want and need you and think you are wonderful. It is appalling that you put this man above them.

He doesn't sound like your boyfriend. He sounds like a man who uses you for sex and errands.

That's a reflection of who he is, not your value. But your low self esteem is probably why you feel it's ok and why he targeted you.

You have three looked after kids, good job, savings, stable supportive home life and are planning a move to France.

Sounds like you are a very capable, interesting woman.

Why are you with such a wet blanket.

He almost cheated on you last summer, you asked him as part of the forgiveness to tell others about you and he didn't do that. Not good enough to tell his friends about you but good enough to be his taxi after an evening out.

Screw that. He'll slow you down.

Find a nice Frenchman when you get there. You'll get there quicker without him.

If he tries the "begging to change" routine again and you do think it might work, make sure he shows it with actions not words before you even consider continuing with this relationship.

Have a few evenings off going to his. Do not be a taxi for him next time he asks and have a think, do you really want to take him to France because you will be more stuck with him then.

Honestly the "almost cheated" would have been enough for me but it was early days then.

France will be more fun without him.

You sound great he sounds boring. You can do better than boring.

Give him his keys back.
Onwards and upwards.

@Troisfoisfilles The title of this thread is 'Not sure what to do?' and you have come on here asking just that.

Everyone has told you the same thing - dump him. This man is using you for sex and nothing else. You aren't part of his life, he is behaving like a single man and he is stringing you along because the situation suits him just fine. He is displaying no commitment to you or the relationship.

You asked for advice and you've been given it. I don't know what else to say.

Thank you to those that are taking the problem that I asked about and offering advice on it. It is hugely helpful for me.

Those of you that are just attacking my childcare choices, thanks for the advice and making me feel a bit rubbish about it but honestly, you have no idea about my actual circumstances and how my relationship with my children works.

I did pick him up last night- at 10pm. He wasn’t drunk and we spent a nice hour together watching tv before bed.
I know I need to get rid, I really do. I knew that before I asked the question- I just needed some help with it. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I hate people knowing my business! Much easier on here where no one actually knows me.
I did go to see a counsellor once but I couldn’t physically tell her anything so it was a waste of time and money.
I’m really rubbish at confronting anyone. Always been a major problem. I’m just so worried whether I’ll be ok after making that push to get rid of him!

I’m just so worried whether I’ll be ok after making that push to get rid of him!

How could it be any worse than it is now?

You tell him via text then delete and block on everything.

Do you think you may find on line counselling easier?

If you stay with him your self esteem will deteriorate.

Yes, you'll probably have some painful emotions for a while after binning him, but they will be temporary and survivable.

Staying with him is like trying to treat chronic headaches by bashing yourself over the head with a cricket bat each morning.

You need to take yourself out of that situation if you want things to improve.

If you want to make some changes, perhaps Google "cci resources self esteem" - there's some free CBT-based modules you could start working through.

Therapy is as much about the relationship as what is discussed. It takes the right person, the right time, and trust. Rare is the person who meets a new therapist and instantly shares their innermost secrets.