Are my friends just rubbish?

[WinterHearts]

I'm trying to decide if I expect too much from friends or if they really are a bit rubbish.

I'm 32. My friends are all the same age. 2 are single but have lots of other friends and 2 are married, one with a baby.

I'm single and apart from these few friends and a very very small family (parents, no siblings, grandparent) that's it. They are all who contact me. (when they contact me)

It seems they can go weeks without checking in on me/starting convo via message and for me thats too long. I would like to speak to them every 4-5 days each. I don't do social media so we don't speak on that.

Recently, i've been feeling pretty lonely and getting upset alot about the lack of contact. I messaged two of my friends yesterday saying I was a bit down, the 1 messaged me back offering sympathy, but didn't reply to my following message. (she has a baby, yet i've seen her online since so shes not too busy to reply) The other said she would call me today (but didn't) and this seems to be a regular thing, her saying she will contact me and then doesn't. Yet she does contact me sometimes randomly, usually a week or more later by which point i'm annoyed she didn't keep her word and don't feel like talking anyway (of course I do and don't mention how I feel but :() Meanwhile these two friends are very 'facebooky' and on the rare occations I do log in I see them posting things.

I just feel forgotten and lonely. And I question if these friendships work for me a lot. Its like social media or other people are more important to them than me, yet they have expressed in the past that i'm an important friend to them, so why don't they check in more often knowing i'm alone? I can go days without speaking to anyone other than my Mum! At the same time I know if I fell out with them or distanced, then i'd literally have no one. Just ranting and trying to make sense of it all. :(

Hi op,

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely its such hard times atm. Your friends are being rubbish but probably not intentionally. Why don't you ask when they're free for a call and you ring them as I know having a baby myself you can easily get sidetracked. Just explain how lockdown is effecting you and could you call once a week or so when free. Plus plenty of mumsnetters will chat. Hope you're ok x

You're not expecting too much. They should be making more of an effort IMO. What would happen if you rang them? Maybe try that. Can I ask why you're not on social media?

I think with apologies you are pinning too much on them. My three closest friends and I (who I’ve been friends with for at least 30 years, I’m 50) wont always call when we’ve said we will or check in on a very regular basis but we’ve busy lives, no offence taken and we’ve been there for each other through relationship break ups, deaths, fertility drama’s etc.

Covid has made things very hard and it’s easy to become introspective. When it’s possible, perhaps look to meet new people and try new things - not to replace your existing friends but to add to them. Don’t hang your hat just on them is what I’m saying (badly!).

You're expecting too much. These people are busy. They love you but you can't rely on them to be the only ones that keep in touch.

I know a lot of people and there is no way that I could contact the mall every 4-5 days. Sometimes I go through phases of being more in touch with some but otherwise it depends on what is going on in my life.

Widen your network and be more proactive.

And get on social media. You can keep up a lot more there

Hi OP

Same age as you. Most of my friends are married. Practising being alone by myself and succeeding at it.

Unfortunately, it's gonna get worse. Less people contact me now and I'm starting to be okay with that rather than angry. I've learnt to self-soothe. Also, I don't over-estimate my importance in people's lives.

You'll be fine, I'm sure

I think you’re expecting too much.

If you want contact every 4/5 days you are going to have to instigate it as it sounds like their lives are fuller than yours, that doesn’t make them bad friends, it just means your at different stages of your lives.
I agree with PP re having an online presence, that may help these friendships flow better and also encourage new ones.

Op can you move in with parents during lockdown so you're not so isolated? I don't think you're asking much from friends but you might not feel as lonely then?

The reason i'm not on Social, is because it makes me feel MORE lonely. Seeing how much more full others lives are, seeing my friends speaking to everyone but me. So I prefer to stay off it.

I don’t contact friends for a particular conversation anywhere near that often. We have group WhatsApp groups and people post things on there as and when.

It sounds like you want or need more contact than these friends can offer-I don’t think that makes them rubbish friends though-you just want different things.

And for the record, if I don't hear from them I usually do initiate. But its if I don't, we can sometimes go 1-2 weeks or more until they contact me again.

“seeing my friends speak to everyone but me”, I’m sure they aren’t consciously ignoring you. Social media doesn’t reflect the real world or our friendships either, I’m sure I ‘speak’ to people more on it that I don’t know that well than the people I consider my closest friends. It’s just the nature of it.

At the end of the day, we don’t own our friends or their time. When I read your original post my first thought was that this was what someone could quite honestly write about me (or most of my friends). I’m guilty definitely of forgetting to call sometimes when I’ve said I will. But I’m there for all the important stuff. I really wouldn’t read too much into what might feel like neglect, I’m sure it’s not deliberate. But I would definitely busy your own life up more which I think is probably the crux of the problem here.

It's just so so hard at the moment. I have been feeling super lonely recently. I'm hesitant to suggest stuff as it sounds flippant. Can you geek out on something that you've never had time for before?

Agree with PP that they will have busy lives, but clearly they are busy with someone or other and I don't think the OP is unreasonable in being annoyed that one of those 'someones' is not her. I don't think it takes much to check up on friends and keep in touch regularly - some people are just shitty. I do think however, you need to make an effort to go out and do things and try and meet other people. I have been both of these types of people at different points of my life. I will admit I have been the shitty one and not checked up on certain friends as often, and in hindsight I should have done or maybe becoming too engrossed in my life and experiences that I would not think to put myself in others' shoes. And in the situation similar to yours, I find keeping in touch and initiating conversation with a wide range of friends and friendship groups helps me to feel less lonely and resentful when I don't get the reaction I want from one, as in all probability when one is being shitty I have the others to talk to.

I wouldn't be able to cope with that much contact. I don't talk to my family that much. I only contact friends every few weeks/months. It's not as if there's much to say just now.

If I had a baby, I'd be too taken up with care to be chasing after a friend every few days.

If you need that much contact, you need a wider circle of friends.

Sorry but you are expecting way too much.

After a busy day at work / looking after DC and then cooking / washing up, the last thing I want to do is speak to anyone. It's very time consuming when I only have an hour and a half to myself before bed.

I've managed to 'train' my DM to use texts instead of expecting a call. A few messages back and forth take little time but we know we're thinking of each other. Job done without having to get a hot ear while she keeps talking for 20 minutes.

And the same applies to social media. It's a good way to keep up with bits and pieces in people's lives without a big song and dance. You say you don't 'do' social media - maybe you should start. You don't need loads of randoms as friends, just people you actually know.

Finally your comments about being cross if someone calls later than they've said brought back memories. I had a friend like that. If I couldn't call on the day I said I would I'd get a slightly tight lipped response and she'd need to be won round. In the end it wasn't worth calling at all if I was going to be in trouble. She wasn't my mum!

Why don't you get yourself on Facebook so that you can keep up to date that way and also send texts to these friends that they can reply to without having to plan in half an hour.

Do they know each other and do you have a group chat? That can be a good way of keeping in constant light contact without needing to dedicate a chunk of time to an individual person.

I do think expecting each of them to get in proper contact with you more than weekly is probably unrealistic I’m afraid though - people have a lot going on right now.

People have their own shit going on, OP. They care about you, but sometimes there just isn't room in someone's brain for anything other than all the stuff they have to deal with right there in front of them. Keep getting in touch - they'll appreciate it, and appreciate it when they do.

Do you have fun conversations when you do speak or does it tend to get a bit heavy?

Sorry, but the whole wanting people to check in on you, makes it sound like you're expecting a lot of emotional support? And that can be a bit draining and off-putting, especially if it's long-running. Everyone's got their own stuff going on, especially in these times, and sometimes all people want to deal with is light and fluffy. And yes, friends are supposed to be there for you, but it depends on how much emotional bandwidth a person has available sometimes?

It doesn't sound as though you are well suited to the friends you have it they aren't meeting your expectations. You're not wrong to want a more intense friendship but not everyone can give that, especially at the moment. I don't talk to my mum every 4-5 days, my friends would have no chance - especially if I thought it was going to be an emotionally draining pep talk. I'm sorry you're lonely but I'd run a mile from someone if I thought they were keeping tabs on my online activity and when I did/didn't contact them.

Btw I don't contact my friends with 'heavy' stuff all the while. Most of the time if I start a conversation, I'll ask about them. The conversation is usually general 'what we've been up to' chat, sometimes it light hearted, but I try my upmost to NOT be a drag. Sure sometimes I mention that I'm down, but they don't know to the extent. For example, they won't know that today I've been crying over this. If I were to speak to them tomorrow, I'd keep it light, ask them how they are doing. So wouldn't say I'm draining, probably just boring eh?

Could you set up a group WhatsApp?

I do think that you're expecting quite a bit. I had a friendship implode for the same reason my friend wasn't happy that I wasn't calling or messaging every 2-3 days. Reality is I have a young child and a full time job combined with family worries and lock downs its knackering I don't have much time for myself. Social media is my downtime and doesn't take much in the way of brain power.
Its not to say that your not valid in your feelings of isolation but maybe find other ways? Can you meet another for a social walk and have a few set up every few days?

No, your friends aren’t being rubbish. I’m not in touch with any of my friends every 4-5 days. I doubt many people are. It tends to go in fits and starts. I might be in touch with a friend 3 times in a week and then not speak/message them for 3 weeks.

The only way to have the contact you crave is to have more friends. Appreciate this is not particularly helpful advice during a pandemic!

Could you arrange to go for some walks with friends? I don’t think I’m a bad friend but I don’t do phone chat. evenings can be so busy with work, school, meals, bedtimes that I’d rather schedule a proper time to catch up uninterrupted.

I would find every 4-5 days pretty intense. Once a fortnight at most is the most often I'd want to speak to someone for a chat, and during lockdown, less than that. When I had a baby or toddler I prioritised sleep over everything (and I don't regret that).
You living alone wouldn't make me think I should call more, unless I knew that you didn't want to live alone. I would assume it was a choice you were happy with if you didn't tell me otherwise.
It seems that you are mismatched with your friends about how much input you need. You can't change them, and you can't see them if they don't want to, so it looks like you have to work on acceptance.