Are my friends just rubbish?

[WinterHearts]

I'm trying to decide if I expect too much from friends or if they really are a bit rubbish.

I'm 32. My friends are all the same age. 2 are single but have lots of other friends and 2 are married, one with a baby.

I'm single and apart from these few friends and a very very small family (parents, no siblings, grandparent) that's it. They are all who contact me. (when they contact me)

It seems they can go weeks without checking in on me/starting convo via message and for me thats too long. I would like to speak to them every 4-5 days each. I don't do social media so we don't speak on that.

Recently, i've been feeling pretty lonely and getting upset alot about the lack of contact. I messaged two of my friends yesterday saying I was a bit down, the 1 messaged me back offering sympathy, but didn't reply to my following message. (she has a baby, yet i've seen her online since so shes not too busy to reply) The other said she would call me today (but didn't) and this seems to be a regular thing, her saying she will contact me and then doesn't. Yet she does contact me sometimes randomly, usually a week or more later by which point i'm annoyed she didn't keep her word and don't feel like talking anyway (of course I do and don't mention how I feel but :() Meanwhile these two friends are very 'facebooky' and on the rare occations I do log in I see them posting things.

I just feel forgotten and lonely. And I question if these friendships work for me a lot. Its like social media or other people are more important to them than me, yet they have expressed in the past that i'm an important friend to them, so why don't they check in more often knowing i'm alone? I can go days without speaking to anyone other than my Mum! At the same time I know if I fell out with them or distanced, then i'd literally have no one. Just ranting and trying to make sense of it all. :(

I think what the OP wants is for the people who say they are her friends to actually show that they care, other than writing back a simple text. To actually be proactive in showing it. I think it just depends on what you define as 'friend'. I can talk about all manner of things with casual acquaintances or total strangers, but I wouldn't call them 'friends'.

I have noticed that some people expect others to be there for them, to soothe and nurture when when they're down, yet when the tables are turned they are no where to be seen. They're all then busy, doing stuff, spinning too many plates to actually be caring and see how their friend is doing. They become flustered or resentful when it's then their turn to reciprocate.

If you think your friends sound like this then I think you need to lower your expectations and not invest time in them like you used to. I think you need to probably be around a lot more people, which is going to be difficult right now so I sympathise. You need to meet new people when thus is over so you can find friends who have a similar friendship style to you.

Hi OP, you're not wrong for expecting a bit more initiation from friends. However, this pandemic has been very stressful for everyone, so I wouldn't take it personally. People spend so much time on call/video for work, it can be hard to want to get back on the phone for a friend - just emotional fatigue.

The one thing I would say though, as friendships are all different. I have some friends who will check in every few days, and others who I don't hear from for weeks on end. It's different personalities and priorities. Also, in your 30s is when people focus more on relationships and family (which can suck for the single friend), but it's your cue to try and make new friends at the same life stage as you. Don't cut off your existing friends but friendships do evolve, and some just cannot be as close as they once were - no ones fault, just life.

And if you are really lonely, I would invest more time into dating and trying to find a partner, because as sad as it is to admit, the only person who will prioritise you is a partner. With everyone else, past a certain age you will come after kids, partner, family, other closer friends.

i'm a lot like @vdbfamily. i'm extremely introverted and i really don't like to initiate phone calls. also talking wears me out, i can be home all weekend and not talk to anyone and it doesn't bother me in the least. however, 9 times out of 10 if someone calls me i will gladly chat away.

like a pp, i have friends that i talk to once a year, sometimes every other year and some understand, others have dropped me. but i understand so there are no hard feelings.

i dont even have young children, a partner, or a busy life outside of work. but by the end of the day i'm drained and talking requires energy that i usually dont have. on the weekends i'm trying to re-energize so i avoid long conversations even then. it's nothing personal, i'm like that with my dd (who is grown and living in the house with me) and my ds.

Hope you're ok op don't get yourself upset it is hard times. Have you considered staying with your parents a couple of days a week to ease the loneliness? X